We’ve all experienced the slightly queasy feeling that comes when watching too many lifestyle shows or reading too many lavish ‘at home’ features in the glossy magazines. Will our own more modest, and possibly messy, homes live up to the highest standards? Are we succumbing to hosting pressure?
Most of the time we accept that they don’t and we’re quite happy to muddle along but having visitors, especially if they are staying for a night or two, can bring all these anxieties to the fore. Realistically, how much effort should we be making to accommodate our guests? And how can guests alleviate hosting pressure?
Most of us would agree that inviting guests to a house that is undergoing renovation, where they will have to pick their way around paint pots and ladders, is inadvisable (unless you know them really well). But nobody expects perfection: the most that you can ask of yourself is that your home fulfils the following expectations:
•Is it clean?
Squalor, especially in bathrooms and the kitchen, is never going to be popular with guests, so at the very least ensure that communal spaces are dusted, hoovered, mopped or wiped down.
•Is it tidy?
This does not mean that your home must be a model of pristine organisation – simply that surface clutter should be tidied away, or at least moved out of the way and organised or stacked. You do not want your guests to feel that they are picking their way through the accumulated detritus of family life; apart from the sense of chaos it generates, it will make them feel that you have made absolutely no preparations for their arrival.
•Is it comfortable?
This is the very nub of good hosting and will require a bit of thought and experimentation. Sit in each of your dining or kitchen chairs, and if they’re unforgivably hard, provide cushions or backrests. In the same spirit of inquiry, test out your sofa and ensure that tables are within easy reach for snacks and drinks. If your guests are staying over, test the bed and bedside light, and ensure that there is somewhere for them to stow their bags and hang their clothes.
•Is it warm?
This is a consideration in the winter, when it is vital to ensure that your guests are warm enough. Don’t stint on heating in the living rooms, especially if you have older guests who feel the cold. Check out drafts in the dining room and use draft excluders and curtains to reduce cold air. Provide extra blankets or bedcovers and ensure that your duvet is an adequate weight for winter. Putting a hot-water bottle in a guest’s bed to take the chill off icy sheets is always a kind gesture.
•Is it welcoming?
This is the elusive quality all hosts seek and, as long as the requirements listed above are fulfilled, much of the welcome will come down to the hosts’ behaviour, first and foremost. Of course, guests will appreciate small gestures, like flowers in the bedroom, a wrapped tablet of scented guest soap, an array of alluring creams and lotions, a pristine bottle of mineral water and an intriguing selection of reading matter beside the bed.
But there really is no need to go overboard: it is all too easy to pile on the hosting touches until your home begins to look like a hotel and your guests begin to feel overwhelmed by your exacting sense of hospitality. It is much more effective to concentrate on a warm welcome, a generous provision of drinks and delicious food, and a relaxed acceptance of your guests’ quirks and foibles.
If you become too focused on the ‘perfection’ of your home you are liable to come across as a controlling host, someone who over-organises their hospitality and sticks rigidly to their meticulous plans, unable to accommodate unexpected requests, setbacks or eccentricities.
The best guests are appreciative and undemanding. They do not arrive in your home with a list of demands or expectations and are happy to go along with the host’s plans – in other words, they are willing to put themselves in the host’s hands. Here are some examples of the ways in which guests can hinder hosting aspirations:
•Making demands before the event
It is helpful for guests who are vegetarian or vegan, or who suffer from serious food intolerances or allergies, to give their hosts adequate warning. However, hosts should not be expected to cater for special weight-loss regimes or quirky diets. If possible, guests should eat as much as they can of the food provided and leave it at that. If they feel that they cannot do without certain ingredients (eg oat milk or gluten-free bread), then it might be a good idea to bring these items with them, apologise to the host and explain that they don’t want to add to the host’s burden.
•Making home-improvement suggestions
We all know, when we are shown around someone’s house, that the expected response is admiration and appreciation. Even if you find their home dank, dark and dreary, you must find something positive to say. It is never a good idea to weigh in with your inventive ideas for bringing more light into the kitchen, or knocking through the sitting and dining room, or fitting an extra shower room in the utility space. If your host is anxious for your home-improvement expertise, you can be sure they will solicit your opinion, and if they do not do so, it is recommended you keep your mouth shut.
•Arriving with random leftovers
A good guest will, of course, arrive with suitable hospitality gifts – wine, flowers, chocolate are always a safe bet. A guest might feel moved to bring something more substantial, for example a platter of artisan cheeses or a side of smoked salmon. These are undoubtedly generous gifts, but tread carefully because you do not want to look as if you are supplementing inadequate provisions from your host. If in doubt, you could always ask your host beforehand.
Worst of all are the guests who arrive for the weekend, or even for dinner, bearing a strange selection of items from their fridge because they “do not want them to go to waste”. While that desire is laudable, most hosts will feel insulted, and very possibly inconvenienced, by these offerings, because they will have already put a great deal of thought and planning into the food they are going to provide.
If you do make a mistake when it comes to offering hospitality gifts, and your contribution to the host remains undrunk or untasted, do not reclaim it when you leave. That is adding insult to injury and overlooks the possibility that the hosts are looking forward to indulging in your gift when everybody has gone home.
•Having their own agenda
If you’re staying with friends, you’re effectively putting yourself in their hands, so it is rude and inconsiderate to arrive at their house with a bucket list of places you want to visit. Your hosts will no doubt have planned activities for the weekend and will not appreciate your input – if they want your opinion about the day’s plans you can be sure they will ask you for it. Suggesting that you all go and visit your old friends who live nearby, or inviting them to your host’s house, might well be perceived as an act of treachery, so tread carefully.
•Taking “make yourself at home” too literally
This is a cliché that is often misinterpreted. What the host actually means is that you should relax, sit comfortably and comply with their wishes. They do not mean that you should lie down on the sofa, messing with the tv remote when everyone is talking, fiddle with your laptop while eating breakfast, help yourself to food from the fridge or drinks from the cabinet. Recognise the limitations of this request and do not interpret it literally.
•Inviting the dog
Not all hosts are dog-owners or dog-lovers, so if you’re devoted to your pooch think carefully when you are invited to someone’s home. If in doubt, ask politely, and take no for an answer – never try to wheedle an invitation for your dog from an unwilling host.
If you do bring your dog for an overnight stay, make sure you come equipped with adequate supplies of food, dog bowls, dog biscuits, dog toys and a basket. If you let your dog sleep on your bed at home, bear in mind that many people will not approve, so clarify sleeping arrangements beforehand and never make assumptions that your host will be as tolerant of your dog as you are. If you detect any discomfort about the whole dog question, whether you are bringing the dog for a meal or a weekend, it might be better to make alternative arrangements.
Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JP Morgan, has been in the news recently decreeing that his employees should stop answering their emails when other people are talking in business meetings.
It has certainly become apparent that the old rigid rules and hierarchies of formal business meetings are beginning to break down. This may be attributable to the advent of hybrid working and online meetings, which has brought a whole host of behavioural changes, but it also connected with the increasing informality of the workplace. This has led to a drive towards democracy, a resistance to hierarchies and traditional notions of respect and deference. The belief is that a more relaxed and informal atmosphere will encourage junior members of staff to contribute to discussions and will foster an atmosphere where new ideas are encouraged, and nobody feels too cowed to speak.
But how relaxed can a business meeting ever be? If people sitting around the table are not attending, or multitasking, or reading their emails, is that acceptable? Many more junior staff members will never have experienced a formal, or semi-formal, business meeting, so will take comparative informality as a starting point.
We all have shorter attention spans these days: reflexively, we tend to reach for our phones when we are not fully engaged. Meetings inevitably involve a great deal of listening to other people talking; obvious signs of inattention are inevitably undermining and frustrating.
What is the bare minimum we can expect from attendants at work meetings? Many of us don’t like meetings, seeing them as tedious and time-wasting, but if we’re required to attend them, we should focus on making meetings count and ensuring that they’re no longer than absolutely necessary. We’ve put together the following guides to basic business meeting survival, both in real life and online:
•Dress for the meeting
Depending on your workplace, this may not mean formal business attire, but at least accept that certain types of clothing will just make you look as if you’re not taking the meeting seriously. These include cycling gear; running gear; beachwear (short shorts, flip flops in particular). All of these clothes will send a simple message: you’d rather be out and about than sitting in a meeting. This certainly may reflect what you feel, but it is not what you should be communicating to your colleagues and bosses.
Even if you’re online, pay attention to your dress. People will be alert to signs that you are not fully committed to your work and are in fact exploiting the skiving opportunities that working from home provides. Don’t give them extra fodder for suspicion.
•Control small talk
Inevitably, there will be some small talk at the beginning of meetings, especially if you enjoy friendly relations with your colleagues, but it is important to ensure that this does not get out of hand, as it is difficult to bring everyone back to the matter in hand and focus is lost.
So, keep your opening remarks to the “how are you?” variety, rather than more in-depth “how was your holiday?” type enquiries. If you find yourself confronted by garrulous colleagues, who see meetings as a great opportunity for endless chit-chat, try and shut this tendency down, by giving concise answers and, if necessary, saying something like “should we get started?”. As long as you are friendly and communicative with people outside the context of a meeting, this shouldn’t be taken amiss.
•Streamline your meeting
The whole point about meetings is that you come together as a group to communicate with each other. If people who are invited to meetings who have little perspective on what is being discussed, or who are relevant only to part of the discussions, it is inevitable that they will become bored and restless and might start fiddling with their phones and answering their emails.
Think carefully about who you invite to meetings; or consider inviting relevant team members for certain discussions only. Do everything in your power to ensure that the group who are gathered together are tight-knit and focused, and that everyone has something to contribute to the discussion. Flabby, over-populated meetings, with loose agendas and no sense of direction inevitably lead to feelings of ennui and distraction.
•Practise your listening skills
You’re in a meeting to interact with other people and that means listening to what they have to say. We’ve all experienced the tedium of a meeting that is going nowhere, or a speaker who has very little to say. But it is imperative that you sit up straight and look attentive and interested. This means focusing on the speaker, mirroring their facial expressions (eg smile when they say something amusing) and laughing occasionally.
Do not slouch in your chair, fiddle with your hair or face, doodle, exchange grimaces with your neighbour, or toy with your phone. This is particularly important when you’re online, as it easy to forget the unforgiving scrutiny of the camera when you’re comfortably lolling around at home.
•No eating!
It is fine to have a cup of tea or coffee or a glass of water. It isn’t acceptable (unless it is a so-called ‘working lunch’) to bring food into the meeting and eat it while other people are talking – everyone will become transfixed by the contents of your sandwich. This is particularly true on-screen, where chewing looks comically exaggerated.
•Put phones away
The simplest policy is to put your phone away or turn it off when you’re called upon to interact with colleagues at a meeting. That way, you will not find yourself tempted to glance at the screen or respond to notifications.
Some people would argue that answering their work emails at a meeting is an excellent use of time, allowing them to maximise ‘down-time’, when people are talking about subjects that are not their concern. But if you streamline your meetings policy, this really shouldn’t happen. And it is a fine line between productive work-related emailing and catching up (however briefly) with text messages or social media.
Above all, it is deeply off-putting for a person who is putting their all into making a presentation, arguing a point, pitching an idea to glance round and see a sea of bowed heads as people pore over their phones. Don’t delude yourself that this doesn’t happen online – any kind of distraction, from glancing at your phone to reading your emails or looking at your on-screen notifications – is completely discernible, and the screen magnifies your lack of engagement.
•Beware your self-view camera
This is an obvious trap for people who are attending online meetings: if you’re narcissistic, there is a tendency to use your camera as a mirror substitute, and if you’re not careful you’ll be caught preening and pouting on screen, much to your colleagues’ dismay. If you’re insecure or self-conscious, you might be given to anxiously checking your image, which will greatly increase your discomfort. If you feel vulnerable to either of these traps, turn off your camera.
•Give meetings a chance
We probably have all suffered from times when we feel that we are being overwhelmed by meetings and would dearly love to be left alone to get on with our work. But a well-targeted, focused, tightly run meeting can be an excellent way of progressing and making key decisions and, most importantly of all, it is a highly effective way of building bonds and relationships between colleagues.
Are you a curious person? Is it your instinct when meeting a new person to ask questions and gently probe? Or are you more likely to hold forth?
If you’re naturally curious and questions come easily, you will no doubt have been nonplussed by the people you meet who are happy to answer your questions, but never once reciprocate, appearing to exhibit a complete lack of curiosity or desire to form a connection with you. This can be deeply off-putting and many a potential friendship or relationship founders on these conversational obstructions.
It is considered polite to ask questions, because it clearly demonstrates an interest in other people. So why do some people not do it, and why does questioning sometimes turn into interrogation, where oppressive over-questioning can make the ‘target’ clam up?
Obdurate non-questioners might appear to manifest a complete lack of curiosity for a number of reasons:
•Over-sensitivity about the very act of asking questions
Some people are tentative about asking personal questions because they feel they might appear to be prying or invading another person’s privacy. Unfortunately, while this reluctance might stem from a sense of tact and delicacy, it tends to develop into an all-round non-questioning stance, where even the most innocuous enquiries are not part of the conversational armoury.
•A tendency to perform
Some people do not see conversations as primarily a means of connecting; instead, they see them as a forum for projecting their own personality. They want to impress their conversational partners and do so by wresting control of the interaction and holding forth. Questions have no place in this dynamic.
•A lack of curiosity
Conversational non-questioners may be not particularly curious about themselves, or other people. They might not be particularly self-reflective and tend to focus on concrete observation, rather than investigating and interrogating.
•Feeling pressurised
Some people find the whole give and take of conversation, especially in the early stages of getting to know a stranger, makes them feel pressurised and under the microscope. They prefer collaborative conversation, based on banter, observation, finding common ground. They might bond with other people when involved in a mutual activity, which might range from a trivial challenge, such as locating the source of the canapés at the party, to dealing with a crisis.
While asking questions is generally an effective conversational technique, there are certainly circumstances where the act of questioning can be problematic:
Conversational Competitiveness
Not all questions are benign; some people ask questions because they want to pigeon-hole other people, assess their comparative wealth and status, identify whether they are worth cultivating and so on. When subjected to this kind of interrogative barrage the target may very understandably withdraw into a shell and refuse to engage in the investigative process. They reply in monosyllables and do not ask questions themselves because they are uncomfortable.
Intrusiveness
Some people are not just curious, they are nosy. They can never extract enough information from the people they meet and are always digging deeper, sometimes straying into dangerous territory. There are certain conventions in British society about questions that should not be asked – eg age, financial status – but intrusive questioners trespass into these conversational thickets without a backward glance. It is understandable if their targets simply refuse to play ball and ask reciprocal questions back – they are probably looking for an escape route.
Deflecting Interest
Some inveterate questioners use their curiosity about other people as a way of deflecting interest in themselves. For whatever reason, they do not want to be subject to scrutiny or be called to account for themselves – traditional questions relating to topics such as job, home, familial status may stray into difficult territory and no-go areas (eg unemployment, divorce, bereavement). So, they form an effective shield around themselves and their vulnerabilities by launching a barrage of questions.
Asserting power
Interrogations are a way of putting yourself in the driving seat of the conversation. You can use questions to manipulate and steer the conversation, setting the agenda and controlling the discourse. Asking questions can be a kind of powerplay, where answers are not sought to gain a greater understanding, but instead to dominate and control.
There are so many situations in which asking questions and displaying curiosity is not only the polite thing to do, but also the interesting option. You will be able to steer the conversation, find some surprising new pathways, avoid getting stuck in boring cul-de-sacs. So how do you get it right?
•Start by listening
Don’t make the mistake of lining up your next question and waiting to deliver it. You may well be so focused on your next move that you interrupt the conversational flow or find yourself asking a question that has already been answered. Instead, concentrate on really hearing what is being said and formulating responses (not necessarily questions) that are focused and appropriate.
•Detect reluctance
If someone is giving monosyllabic replies to your questions, or refusing to elaborate when they answer, you must accept that they are not open to being interrogated. Maybe your questions are intrusive, or the person with whom you are conversing is feeling defensive for some reason. But when they display reluctance, you need to change conversational tack. You could tell an anecdote, make an observation, draw out an opinion (possibly by airing your own ideas), which are all legitimate, not-interrogative, ways of moving the conversation forwards.
•Elicit, don’t solicit
All too often, people solicit information by asking direct questions, which can come across as intrusive or nosy, and provoke a negative reaction. Eliciting is a much more subtle way of obtaining information. It might involve making an observation about yourself, or your own feelings or opinions as a means of extracting a response: prefacing your remarks with phrases like “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I think…” are a diplomatic way of inviting feedback, without making a bald demand.
•Demonstrate that you have heard the answer
Sometimes people ask questions because they are conditioned to do so – questions and answers are the basic building blocks of small talk. But they are not truly interested in the answers, they do not listen to them intently or react to them. A good conversationalist will hear the answer and use it as a springboard for an observation or a further question. Above all, they will react to every answer – not just verbally, but also through their body language (eye contact, nodding, appropriate facial expressions). It is not only asking questions, but really listening to the answers, that creates a sense of respect and connection.
Setting forth from your home base, whether for business travel or holidays, involves portable luggage, which ensures that our clothing and grooming essentials are always to hand when travelling. We’ve been pondering this very basic need and looking at the history of luggage and luggage-related etiquette.
Young British gentlemen who embarked on the ‘grand tour’ of Europe in the late 18th century travelled in grand style and were frequently accompanied by an entire carriage dedicated to extensive wardrobes and even including indispensable items of furniture. Even a more modest Victorian gentleman traveller would have totally eschewed today’s portable cases. Travelling was the prerogative of the upper classes, who toured the world on steamships and packed a vast array of ‘essential’ items in bulky trunks, built of wood and leather on robust iron frameworks, which were constructed to withstand heavy seas and the danger of water damage. These behemoths were carried on to steamships and trains, or conveyed into hotels, by fleets of porters and bellhops. The traveller totally repudiated responsibility for his own luggage, but this freedom came at a very high price, which few could afford.
Recognisably modern, and portable, suitcases began to appear at the end of the 19th century. Travel was becoming more widely available for the masses, and they were roaming far and wide – making day trips to seaside resorts such as Brighton and Blackpool or venturing further afield to stay in huge resort hotels in countries such as Switzerland, Germany and Italy. Armed with Baedeker’s pocket-sized tourist guides (first published in 1827), an indispensable Bradshaw’s guide to Europe’s railway network and one of the new-fangled portable suitcases, late Victorian tourists began to explore the world. It was a golden age of travel, which was no longer the exclusive preserve of the wealthy and leisured classes.
By today’s standards the first suitcases were bulky and unwieldy. They were constructed of leather, wicker or thick rubber cloth, which was stretched over a rigid frame. Nevertheless, these hefty pieces of luggage were seen as symbols of freedom and opportunity, signifiers of a society that was both socially, and physically mobile. Inevitably, suitcases mutated to mirror the form of transportation that was most dominant. As trains were gradually supplanted by cars, suitcases became lighter and cheaper. A cardboard suitcase could easily be lodged in the car boot and was perfectly adequate for a motorist’s needs.
With the advent of air travel, luggage evolved yet again. Limited storage capacity on aeroplanes meant that bags were restricted to certain size and also needed to be robust enough to withstand rough treatment by baggage handlers. Passengers were obliged to walk, with their luggage, through increasingly extensive airports, and wheels and extendible handles turned bags into trolleys, ensuring that no heavy lifting was required.
Fully equipped with a suitcase or wheelie bag and ready to hit the open road, the next pressing question is: what should we pack? As well as supplies of clothing, it is imperative that our bags also contain our grooming and hygiene essentials. These small, and often fragile items clearly need to be contained within their own, protective container: the ubiquitous wash bag.
This utilitarian item of luggage also has an interesting history. In the 18th and 19th centuries gentlemen would have been the proud owners of magnificent dressing cases, containing bottles and jars of colognes and aftershave and items such as a razor and leather strop, scissors, a toothbrush, mirror and hairbrush. Frequently these boxes were made of exotic inlaid woods and were lined with silk or velvet. Glass jars were often bespoke items made of cut glass, with silver stoppers. These beautiful objects were aesthetically pleasing status symbols, considered to be an essential feature of the distinguished gentleman’s equipment.
Ladies had their own version, known as vanity cases, which contained all the grooming products considered essential for a woman on the move. Within their luxurious padded interiors, they housed a range of decorative bottles and jars, hairbrushes, combs, comprehensive manicure sets. Crystal, silver, gilt and ivory were much in evidence, while the exteriors of the boxes were veneered with exotic decorative woods from all over the world.
In the late 19th century, when steamships and steam trains opened up remote parts of the world and tourism became more commonplace, travelling dressing cases were introduced. These were heavy duty leather holdalls with a wooden frame, which opened at the top and sides, in the manner of an old fashioned ‘doctor’s bag’, to reveal an array of bottles, brushes, mirrors, manicure and writing sets. Frequently given as a 21st birthday present, these elaborate bags were made to order and were frequently adorned with monograms and coronets and endowed with bespoke fittings, such as silver and gold mountings, engraved accessories, and cut-glass bottles.
Nevertheless, these leather holdalls were unwieldy and heavy, requiring the services of porters and servants. It is scarcely surprising, therefore, that the mass movement of troops at the beginning of World War I demanded a more pragmatic option. Charles Doppelt was a German immigrant to the US who manufactured sturdy leather wash bags for the US military. These handy items were dubbed ‘Dopp bags’ or even ‘Dopps’ and have continued to be manufactured ever since in the US. They were the inspiration for the modern toiletry bag, which has continued to evolve – for both sexes, and are now made in a range of materials, from calfskin and waxed leather to canvas, cotton and velvet.
Wheelie bags, rucksacks, and lightweight holdalls have been universally adopted by the 21st-century traveller. But despite their convenience, they are still bulky items to lug around and good manners need to be deployed to ensure that luggage is never an inconvenience to other people.
•If you are checking in to a hotel it is usual to tip bellboys or porters who take your luggage to your room. Rates vary, but if one unit is equivalent to a pound, dollar or euro, then you should tip one or two units per item of luggage.
•If you have taken a taxi to your hotel, or to the station or airport, it is normally part of the service for the taxi driver to put your luggage in the boot and take it out at the other end. You should, of course, tip the driver – 10-15 per cent is usual in the UK.
•On trains, buses and undergrounds, do your utmost to ensure that your luggage is not causing an obstruction. Do not dump your suitcase on a spare seat – you haven’t paid for it and, even if the transport is empty when you get on, you may well be using up valuable space that could be better occupied by human passengers who board subsequently.
•Do your utmost to ensure that luggage does not block aisles or obstruct the leg space of passengers sitting opposite. Many trains and buses have luggage racks near the doors, or overhead luggage racks, where you can stow bags away safely.
•If you see someone struggling with a heavy bag when boarding, it is always a polite gesture to offer to help them stow it in the luggage rack (if you are strong enough to do so).
•Offer to help people stow their bags in overhead luggage racks on aeroplanes – these are quite high and difficult to reach for those of us who are short of stature, so be attentive during boarding and disembarkation and make sure that you’re on hand if assistance is required.
•Be aware at all times of people who are struggling with their luggage, for example when boarding a train and, if you are able to help, offer to do so.
•If you have a rucksack on your back, remove it on crowded public transport and place it between your feet. A substantial rucksack greatly increases the amount of physical space you occupy, and if you are blithely unaware of your large ‘humpback’ you will end up bumping into fellow passengers.
•Wheelie bags are extremely convenient, but if you are pulling them along quaint cobbled streets in a historic city centre, they will make a terrible racket. If it is late at night and the streets are quiet, be very mindful of the disturbance, and if possible, carry the bag over short distances to avoid waking up the entire neighbourhood.
The ease and convenience of travelling abroad has certainly been transformed since the days of steamer trunks, dressing cases and porters. But you should still be aware of bulky luggage and do your best to ensure that you do not irritate the people around you.
Top: ‘A railway station’, wood engraving by W.J. Linton, the Wellcome Collection
The British are well known for their maze of circumlocution, the roundabout ways in which they avoid saying anything uncomfortable and instead skirt around the edges of confrontation, criticism or disagreement.
These polite phrases have permeated English language and culture, and no doubt cause a great deal of confusion to visitors from countries where language is much more direct. However, it is second nature to most English people to deploy these phrases and, of course, we all know what they mean.
Their purpose is to smooth communication, soften any rough edges, and create an atmosphere of harmony. However, we all know that many of these phrases should be heard or read in context and acknowledge that they are often passive aggressive, using soft words to mask feelings of anger and frustration. Simple words/phrases like “I think” or “maybe” are universally used to indicate polite tentativeness rather than brutal certainty, while “Would you mind?” is used to preface many an unpopular request (and of course is never to be interpreted literally).
A recent study by Trinity College London highlighted the top polite phrases used by English people and revealed that 83 per cent of people surveyed admit that they avoid confrontation at all costs and 46 per cent use so-called polite-isms to relieve tension. This indirect communication, which is so characteristic of English speakers, is challenging for learners of English, who must acquire these skills in order to navigate academic, professional and social life in Britian.
We’ve taken a look at some of the top phrases identified in the study and have divided them into the following three categories:
These are phrases that take feelings of tetchiness and irritability and translate them into bland, ‘relaxed’ polite-isms. The underlying translation is clear, and some of these phrases may also carry – depending on the situation – further layers or irritability and aggression:
“Can I just squeeze past you?” This means “Can you please move out of the way?” but also carries a strong undercurrent of “and why haven’t you noticed that you’re causing an obstruction?”
“Sounds fun, I’ll let you know” means “I’m not coming” but also carries a distinct whiff of “and please leave me alone”.
“I beg your pardon?” This is perhaps one of the most direct polite-isms, which generally means “I’m furious/What are you trying to say?/Did I hear you right?”. With the emphasis on ‘beg’, it is an unusually clear indication of annoyance.
“Sorry, I’m a bit busy right now!” is a phrase that screams “Leave me alone!/Go away and leave me in peace!”
“No rush, when you have a minute” translates as “Please hurry up” but carries a distinct undertone of “Haven’t you noticed that you’re keeping me waiting?”
“With all due respect…” is a great weapon used in arguments, which means “You’re completely wrong” and implies “I’m now going to tell you why.” This phrase is often wielded when disagreements have become extremely heated and respect for each other’s view is in short supply.
“As per my last email” is the universal cry of the person who has been ignored or overlooked and means “I already told you this”, with a clear frustrated subtext of “Have you even bothered to read what I said?” This cri de coeur has entered the litany of polite-isms since the advent of digital communications; presumably in days gone by “As I said in my last letter” would have also been a contender.
“Sorry, could you say that last bit again” is a fine example of passive-aggression, which clearly signals that the speaker is so bored that they have switched off completely and means “I haven’t been listening to a word you’re saying”.
These phrases use the simple technique of, when trying to say something unpalatable, coming up with an expression that means the exact opposite of what you really want to convey. It is universally appreciated that this strange deception will be spotted a mile off, but is acknowledged because it shows a valiant effort to find something positive to say:
“I hear what you’re saying” of course means “I don’t agree with a thing that you’ve said” and inevitably this phrase is often followed by the word ‘but’.
“Not to worry!” this plucky example of British stoicism means “It’s all gone to hell, but let’s keep calm and carry on.” It is generally wheeled out when our backs are against the wall and our options are severely limited.
“I’ll bear it in mind” is an egregious example of avoidance, since we all know it means “I’m not going to consider it for one minute”
“It could be worse”, a phrase that is usually only trotted out when the worst that was feared has actually happened, is another example of relentless optimism, which is maintained in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
“That’s one way of looking at it” is another phrase that tacitly acknowledges opposition but refuses to deal with it, since what it really means is “You’re just so wrong!”
Many of these circumlocutions have evolved to deal with ‘difficult’ situations, where other people have not done what they undertook to do, have not come up to expectations, or have been disappointing. The following phrases clearly highlight their shortcomings, and the attendant frustrations, but in very roundabout ways:
“Just a gentle reminder…” The use of the word ‘gentle’ is a real giveaway here, since the thrust of the message is “Why on earth have you not got back to me/done what you promised?”. The frustration is palpable.
“Happy to help” – this quasi offer of help clearly communicates reluctance (note the manipulative use of the word ‘happy’). The speaker is grudgingly saying “I suppose I’ll have to help out, but I really don’t see why…” A very similar phrase, “Happy to discuss” uses the same formula to convey an absolute reluctance to discuss the matter any further.
“I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know either way”. This clearly means “Why have you not got back to me?” but the baldness and frustration of the statement is masked by the pseudo-politeness of ‘appreciate’ and the meaningless padding of ‘let me know either way’.
“I’m sure it’s just me, but…” This is a classic circumlocution, which means “This is your responsibility and nobody else’s”. By purporting to take responsibility, the speaker is doing the exact opposite and apportioning blame.
“It’s certainly an interesting idea…” The use of the word ‘interesting’ here is a death blow, since it clearly indicates the precise opposite, that it is a truly terrible idea, and cannot be countenanced.
Now we are all well versed in the top-ranking British polite-isms, we have put together some sentences that ooze British euphemisms and evasions (with the unadorned translation in brackets).
A simple glance will reveal that the unvarnished truth is aggressive and sometimes offensive, whereas the circumlocutory niceties tend to soften the blow and maintain a feeling of calm and composure – as long as you know how to interpret these phrases and don’t get lulled into a false sense of security:
“Could I just squeeze past you? No rush, when you have a minute!”
(Get out of my way and do it now!)
“Thanks for the invitation, sorry I haven’t replied, I’m a bit busy right now. It sounds fun, I’ll let you know”
(I’ve received your invitation – I wish you’d just leave me alone. I won’t be coming.)
“With all due respect, I’m not sure this is the way to proceed. As per my last email, I have several reservations.”
(This no way to carry on. As I’ve already pointed out, I completely disagree.)
“I hear what you’re saying and I’ll bear it in mind.”
(I don’t agree with you and I’m not going to do what you ask.)
“Not to worry! It could be worse.”
(This is an absolute, unmitigated disaster.)
“Just a gentle reminder about the mail-out we discussed last week. Happy to help.”
(Why haven’t you sent the mailout as we discussed? And don’t ask me to help.)
“I’m sure it’s just me, but your figures don’t appear to add up. Happy to discuss.”
(Your figures don’t make any sense – sort it out and don’t bother me with it.)
A lingering waft of scent can transport us to another time and place with extraordinary vividness. Our sense of smell is directly connected to the limbic system, the primitive part of our brain where emotions and memories are stored and processed.
Fragrance and memory are clearly intertwined: whether it is the pervasive herby aromas of a first Mediterranean holiday, the woody scents of an autumn evening, the heady perfume of roses in your parents’ garden, the exotic smell of spices simmering in your grandmother’s kitchen, or the fragrance worn by your first partner.
Fragrances do more than stimulate memory and desire, they can also affect our behaviour in the present moment, triggering a physiological response. Many fragrances possess strong associative properties, and work easily to alter the mood, promoting increased alertness and positivity, or creating feelings of calm, tranquillity and relaxation. They can be helpful in alleviating stress, easing insomnia, providing clarity and focus. Refreshing and revitalising scents include: orange, citrus, grapefruit, lemon, lime, cypress, eucalyptus, peppermint, pine, tea tree, thyme. Calming and relaxing scents include: vanilla, lavender, sandalwood, rosewood, frankincense, neroli, chamomile and jasmine.
Fragrances are broadly divided into the following categories:
• Citrus
Fresh and energising, these are essential oils obtained by extracting the zest of fruits such as lemon, mandarin, orange, grapefruit or bergamot, combined with orange flower products. Citrus eau de colognes are worn by both men and women.
•Floral
These fragrances use a single flower as their main component, for example rose, violet, jasmine, lily of the valley.
•Fougère
Meaning ‘fern’ in French, but not actually representing a fern fragrance. They are made of a blend of woody and mossy notes (eg lavender, oak moss), with a bergamot top note.
•Chypre
Warm leathery notes, combined with citrus freshness. They were originally intended to capture the smell of Cyprus – dry warmth, tree resins, eg oakmoss and labdanum (a resin from the rock rose plant), citrus, and a hint of white flowers.
•Woody
Warm and opulent, this group is dominated by scents such as cedar, patchouli, sandalwood, vetiver, with top notes of lavender.
•Oriental
Inspired by ‘mysterious’ Eastern smells, these fragrances combine woody notes with incense and spices (vetiver roots, patchouli leaves, sandalwood, amber etc) and soft powdery notes, such as vanilla.
•Leather
Designed to reproduce the fragrance of leather (patchouli, birch tar, tobacco), with floral top notes.
•Fruit notes
From a range of berries to lush juicy fruits, such as peaches and apricot and tropical fruits such as coconut and pineapple, there is a wide range of fruit-based fragrances to choose from. These are very prevalent in products such as shower gel, soaps and lotions.
Citrus and top notes: fragrances will, for the first 20 minutes, be dominated by fresh, fruity and citrus notes. These are the instant hit, the first odour you’ll smell, but they are short-lived – they are there as a scented handshake to welcome you.
Heart notes: after 20 minutes, the heart notes will begin to emerge from the citrus notes. They were always there but were just overpowered at first. These are the flowery, spicy and woody smells and they should last for two or three hours. Essentially, this is what your fragrance will smell like for most of the time that you wear it.
Base notes: once the heart notes have evaporated, the base notes are left. Often there to act as fixatives for the skin – they can be vanilla, musky, woody or smoky notes – these are the smells that are noticeable on your clothes the morning after.
By choosing to wear a fragrance you are finding an effective way to enhance your wellbeing and self-esteem and boost your confidence. A scent will increase your personal space, too, as your fragrance will extend the area you inhabit. Conversely, if you overuse fragrance, other people will feel that their space is being invaded by your over-powerful and dominant aroma, so it is best to treat fragrance with caution.
Given the undeniable power of scent to influence mood, it seems sensible to use fragrance as tool in your armoury, which along with your choice of clothing and your perfect grooming, can project strong and positive associations to the world. A signature fragrance will become something that confers distinction upon you, that will make you stand out from the crowd and will make you memorable.
While women often choose to wear a fragrance as a reflection of who they are, men tend to wear it an accessory, in the same way as cufflinks might be. They have a ‘wardrobe’ of fragrances to fit with the mood, the occasion and their clothes.
Faced with an array of different fragrances, the temptation is to start spraying willy-nilly. Don’t go into sensory overload: it is best to try a maximum of just five different scents. Choose ones that you think you like and spray a few squirts onto a paper scent strip.
Take it away and smell it again 20 minutes later. By then, the fresh citrusy top notes will give way to the flowery, spicy and woody heart notes, which is how it will generally smell on you.
If you still like it, then spray it on your skin, but make sure you do it when you’re feeling in fine physical fettle and in a good, upbeat mood, as your body will be balanced, and your olfactory sensory system will be functioning at its peak. Fragrance should be sprayed onto body areas that are naturally warm, which will allow the scent to develop to its full potential. The first area should be your pulse points – your wrists and around your neck – as these are warm places where the blood is close to the skin.
Give a fragrance time to develop on your skin; after about 20 minutes you should be able to judge if this is the fragrance for you. Bear in mind that everyone experiences fragrances differently, because of the unique personal emotions that are associated with them. However, recent scientific research has proved that most people tend to prefer scents that they can correctly identify, such as vanilla or cut grass.
Beware: your nose adapts to familiar smells, making them seem less strong. If a smell has been around you for a while, your brain will assess it and, if it is safe, will regard it as part of the background ‘noise’. It’s a primitive function that means recognisable smells seem less strong than new and potentially dangerous ones. You will therefore not be able to smell your fragrance as clearly as you did on the day you first wore it, so resist the urge to splash it on more thickly.
Some fragrances will suit different times of day better than others. In the office, a lighter fragrance is generally more suitable; a heavier fragrance is best at night.
Bear in mind that, if eating out, there are some scents – like fougère fragrances – that will overpower the plate in front of you. Oriental fragrances with vanilla or other edible notes, however, often go well with food.
There is a seasonal element too: the smell of incense and wood is out of place in the summer, while citrus and fresh flower notes make little sense around the fire on a cold winter’s day.
When applying fragrance your aim is to titillate and tantalise, not to smother and overwhelm. Bear in mind that there is one failsafe method of testing whether a fragrance is right for you: if your partner doesn’t like it, bin it. Ideally, choose fragrances when your partner is present and listen carefully to their feedback – ignore a negative response at your peril, as an unappealing olfactory stimulus is a powerful deterrent.
If you choose well, wearing a good, distinctive fragrance shows that you care. The fact that you have taken trouble to attend to your physical presence in the world shows that you respect the people with whom you’re interacting, the hallmark of good manners.
Have you ever been socially upstaged? While there is no doubt that we all seek attention when we interact, most of us acknowledge that attention-seeking is a reciprocal game. We want to be noticed, observed, listened to and understood, and it is attention that oils conversations, consolidates contacts, forges friendships and reinforces relationships. But we acknowledge that we must also pay attention to other people – it’s all about give and take.
This civilised back and forth is predictably disrupted when a social upstager enters the scene. These are people who crave the spotlight, who thrive on attention, and are ruthlessly prepared to upstage anyone else who stands in their way.
They’re at their worst when it comes to big occasions (especially birthdays, weddings and funerals) where the focus is clearly on other people (eg the marrying couple or the family of the deceased) . They think nothing of dressing to kill, eclipsing the real stars of the show. And that is only the beginning – they dominate conversations, elbow key people out of photo line-ups to ensure they get front row billing and do anything to guarantee that they’re noticed and talked about, even if it means stealing the limelight by making their own ‘significant’ announcement (pregnancy and engagement are favourite options), behaving badly, getting drunk, starting a contentious argument, having a fight, making an ill-advised pass. It’s all grist to the mill. In the words of Oscar Wilde: “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
•Relentless Self-Promotion
The essential message of the upstager is “look at me!” and they convey this in a range of ways. They may dress flamboyantly or provocatively or speak loudly and assertively. Their focus of interest is themselves, so they talk compulsively about themselves, their own lives and interests, their own dramas, without ever pausing to draw breath, ask other people questions, listen attentively to their responses, or react to what they’re saying. The give and take of conversation is completely lost on them.
•Showing Off
Often their way of putting themselves centre-stage is to be boastful or over-competitive. They feel that by reminding other people that they are successful/wealthy/attractive/happy they will remain the focus of attention and admiration. These tendencies can be greatly exaggerated by drink and accompanying feelings of disinhibition. Many an upstager starts off the evening in a mood of sober discretion; their behaviour deteriorates and becomes more blatant as the evening (and the alcohol) wears on.
•Showcasing Knowledge
Bringing conversation around to areas of expertise or arcane knowledge and rendering the assembled company speechless with displays of know-how is another effective way of monopolising attention. Sometimes the expertise is only purported and the upstager is blatantly improvising and fabricating, but most people are too polite to call them out.
•Dominating and Interrupting
Upstagers love to take control of conversations, and their chief weapons are interrupting and monologuing. Both these techniques disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of conversation and ensure that they gain a disproportionate amount of airtime. By shutting down other participants, they can ensure that nobody else has room to sparkle conversationally.
•Name-Dropping, Embellishing, Exaggerating
Elaborating and embroidering are closely related to boasting; upstagers are always able to grab the attention of the assembled company if they are prepared to throw discretion to the winds and use all their creative powers to transfix the audience. While their tall tales may well be compelling, the suspicion that they are not true can undermine their impact.
•Fishing for Compliments
Compliments are meat and drink to the upstager as they are clear confirmation that they are being noticed, and they can bathe in the positive approbation. Of course, compliments are not always forthcoming, so they might be driven to fishing for them, which they may do in a number of ways: they can elicit compliments by abject self-deprecation, which demands immediate rebuttal (“I know I’m looking an absolute fright…”); they can seek reassurance through compliments (“I wasn’t sure if this outfit really fits the dress code – do you think it looks alright?”); they can over-compliment their companions in the hope that a reciprocal compliment will be forthcoming (risky – they might just be met with a smug smile).
•Stirring up Dissent
Some upstagers use disruption as their secret weapon. They march into a social situation, pick an argument, or set well-known antagonists against each other, then take on various roles: referee, peacemaker, provocateur. Whatever option they choose, they are guaranteeing that they are centre stage, at the heart of the disturbance, which is where they long to be.
•Canvassing Sympathy
The most dismal way of grabbing the limelight is to play on people’s empathy and kindness. Announcing bad news (a financial crisis, an imminent divorce, illness, bereavement) on a social occasion – especially one where other people are expected to be centre-stage – is deeply manipulative. Fellow-guests feel steamrollered into reacting to the bad news and expressing their sympathy, but this is not an appropriate occasion for commiseration. It is always more appropriate to be discreet about personal crises and seek sympathy in private; if something terrible has happened that has completely overwhelmed you, then it is probably sensible to opt out of socialising altogether or confide in a close friend.
•Set boundaries
Upstagers can be very overwhelming and powerful, so it can be hard to counteract their antics. However, it is in your own interests to set boundaries and curtail their worst excesses. A lot of upstagers are not fully aware that they are hogging the limelight, they simply think they’re being lively and entertaining. So, it may be a good idea discreetly to point out the transgression. This might mean tactfullly explaining that their behaviour is dominating the evening or the occasion (“why not give Emily a chance to shine? It’s her birthday after all!”)…
•Respond positively
In the moments (however rare) when they’re not hell-bent on upstaging try and indicate that the dialled-down version of their persona is much more socially acceptable and likeable (“I really enjoyed our conversation with James – your questions about his trip to Africa really got him going!”).
•Use humour
This can deflect their worst excesses; affectionate teasing, rather than stony disapproval, is often a very effective way of curtailing upstaging behaviour. Teasing acknowledges the offence but does not dwell on it. It offers the offender a chance to climb down and apologise (“Oh sorry, I’m afraid I’m talking too much – Charlotte certainly thinks so!”), and the worst excesses of upstaging are effectively eradicated by humour and badinage.
As our work practices change, the boundaries between our professional and private lives become more traversable and ill-defined, especially for those of us who spend some of our time working from home. Online working, and the vast range of digital media platforms now available, means that everyone has myriad ways of connecting, and inevitably a substantial portion of online communication is unrelated to work and challenges our understanding of the concept of professional privacy.
In the days before mobile phones, office phone systems were probably abused – it was understood that employees were allowed to use the office phone line for private calls, within reason, and certainly there would be no criticism if the phone was used in an emergency. However, sitting at your desk, having a lengthy private chat on the office phone was not considered good business etiquette and many a boss had to have a word with employees who blithely made lengthy personal phone calls on their office phone. This was often a public transgression, witnessed by colleagues who were forced to eavesdrop personal phone calls in open-plan offices, which many found intrusive and embarrassing.
Nowadays, we all have our own mobile phones and have become increasingly addicted to them. We glance at them every few minutes, jump to attention when we see the screen light up or hear the beep of notifications and find ourselves easily led down the garden path of internet distraction when we pick them up to send a quick text. Since texting is unobtrusive and seemingly private, unlike the audible phone calls of days gone by, many of us feel that we have a carte blanche to use our mobiles for private texting throughout the day. But it is easy to let your phone distract you from the task in hand, and you need to ensure that you are using it sensibly and discreetly at work.
Follow these simple guidelines:
•Keep your phone out of sight (preferably in a bag or drawer). If it’s on your desk your eye will constantly be drawn to it, and you will find it hard to resist picking it up, looking at it, and fiddling with it.
•If you receive calls on your mobile that must be answered, do so away from your desk if possible. You can usually take a call in reception, in a corridor, on the stairs. But keep an eye on the clock and don’t get carried away.
•Put your phone on silent; your intrusive ringtones, beeps and alerts will not only distract you, but the people who are sitting nearby.
•Try and rein in your texting habit. If you’re constantly hunched over your phone, texting, people will assume that it is not work-related. Try and give yourself texting ‘windows’ throughout the day – for example, looking at your phone while you’re waiting for the kettle to boil in the communal kitchen, or while you’re eating your lunchtime sandwich.
•Don’t carry your phone around when you move about the office, and don’t take it into meetings. Never put it on the table in front of you at meetings, as it clearly indicates that your colleagues do not have your undivided attention and that’s just rude.
It’s not just about phones. Everyone can use their work computers to access messaging apps and social media, and – using the plethora of sites and platforms available – can maintain contact with friends throughout the working day. This can be done discreetly, and unless someone is looking over your shoulder, none of your colleagues will be aware that you are socialising, not working.
This is bound to happen, but just remember that it is a huge distraction – we’re all finding that digital media is making us jumpy and shortening our attention span. If you want to succeed professionally, it is your own responsibility to manage your time effectively and most employers will trust you to do so; fight the tendency to become distracted by allocating yourself ‘packets’ of concentrated time when you focus on the task in hand and do not let your attention stray.
As far as employers and management are concerned, they must accept that these new forms of communication are here to stay, and it would be unwise to be too draconian about their use and sensible to focus on some of their benefits. For example, instant messaging apps are a good way of communicating with employees, especially if the team is not physically together, with some members working from home.
Employees will inevitably be using social media. The important priority is to ensure that they use it well. You might well be able to use your employees’ social media fluency to build awareness of your company and brand. With good management, your employees may even become social media ambassadors for your brand.
No matter how friendly and convivial the work environment is, it is always sensible to draw clear distinctions between private and public life, and this is more crucial than ever in the social media era, when many of us chronicle our daily lives on public forums.
If you value your professional reputation, it is a good idea to review yourr privacy settings on all social media accounts. In the real world of work and career it is imperative to curate your own brand, and project a squeaky-clean image.
Of course, you will in any case need to be guarded about your personal data and online privacy. But you should also be aware that if you do not activate your privacy settings, your life will be laid bare for all to see, sometimes with detrimental consequences. It is a well-known fact that recruiters scour the social media of potential candidates, and this can set off alarm bells.
Dangerous areas are: political rants, pictures of substance abuse, provocative pictures. Also be aware that tagged photos, many of which were not posted by you, can still be seen on social media sites. If these images are really damning, you can request the tag to be removed through the site administrators. or ask the person who posted the photo to take it down.
In an online era how much privacy do you really have at work? If an employee uses his or her company’s IT systems – whether in the office or on a work-issued laptop at home – this use is likely to be monitored, because of the prevalence of cyber-threats. Privacy on work-issued computers is not recognised; your entire web-browsing history, for example, is accessible to your employer (though whether they exploit this access is another matter).
Employers can also access social media messages, chats and emails, and may do so to collect data about their workers’ effectiveness or attitudes. Remember that any office messenger service, such as Slack, can be monitored by your employer, so you should never use it for private chats. Indiscreet or inflammatory remarks about colleagues or criticisms of management policy might well come back to bite you.
Clearly this level of access can be corrosive, undermining employee trust, and therefore employers must tell employees if they’re being monitored, and why. It is within an employer’s rights to insist that equipment should not be used for personal matters within working hours, but in most cases, employers will feel they are fighting a losing battle to hold back the tidal wave of online communication.
In most businesses trust and flexibility will go a long way, ensuring that staff feel valued rather than disrespected. It is up to us all, as responsible adults, to draw lines between public and private concerns and to control our online compulsions, ensuring that we are able to compartmentalise our concentration, focus and prioritise.
Saying ‘thank you’ is an essential pillar of good manners, which (along with saying ‘please’) is endlessly reiterated to us throughout our childhood. It is a fundamental act of recognition and acknowledgement, which shows our appreciation for any act of civility or generosity – from holding a door open to hosting a dinner party – and has a powerful, positive impact on all social interactions.
It is surprising, therefore, that this simple gesture of gratitude is so often overlooked, both in our social and professional lives. Given its positive benefits, it is hard to understand why saying thank you is often deprioritised. The simplest explanation for this is heedlessness and distraction. We rush through our daily lives at full pelt, enslaved by the demands for attention that emanate from our digital devices, stressed and distracted, and we overlook the real-life scenarios that should be acknowledged. A classic example of this syndrome is the harassed customer in a coffee shop who orders a drink while making a phone call, grabs it from the barista and makes a swift exit without a word of thanks.
The more we allow these small interactions to go unmarked by gratitude, the more likely we are to forget out social obligations on occasions when thanks are expected – social media is rife with complaints and gripes from people who never receive thanks or acknowledgement for presents or hospitality, a fundamental social faux pas.
This is a great shame, as saying thank you improves your relationships, building trust with the people around you. It demonstrates that you are aware of acts of politeness, generosity, support or friendship and appreciative of them. It is also true that saying thank you is an investment in the future: by showing your appreciation you are demonstrating that you are a person who is worthy of generosity and kindness, and inevitably more will come your way.
We’ve looked at ways of bringing more gratitude into your life:
If you instil habits of gratitude in your children, you will be doing them a lifetime service. This encompasses simple ps and qs (“say please”, “say thank you”), but it also involves the much more arduous business of getting children to write thank-you notes for treats and presents. This will be much more effective if you can persuade your child by using empathy (“Wasn’t it nice of Grandma to remember how much you like painting?”), rather than by simply imposing your authority (“You can’t go out to play until you’ve written your thank-you letters”). You will inevitably encounter resistance to this whole business, especially amongst young children who find writing hard work, but it is worth sticking at it, because it will eventually become an engrained habit that your children will take into adulthood, where it will put them at a social advantage.
Monitor all your everyday transactions – from driving encounters, bus journeys and coffee shops to shopping, ordering food, buying drink. It is obviously vital that you always thank anyone who performs a service for you (in a shop, bar, ticket office and so on), and failing to do so is undoubtedly rude, because it is demeaning to the person who is serving you. Being busy or distracted is never an adequate excuse for this kind of disregard.
But also question whether you even notice when someone does something polite or helpful for you, when they are under no obligation to do so; this could range from giving way in a car to let you pass on a crowded street, to holding a door open for you or ushering you ahead of them in a queue. Once you start to look out for these small gestures you will see that they happen very frequently, and you will also find that a smile and a nod, wave or word of gratitude will bring both gratification to you and to the other person. Never overlook these small moments of engagement – they will school you in the art of gratitude and enhance your awareness of other people.
Traditionally, there was a whole apparatus of formal thanks for gifts and hospitality. Letters were dispatched in short order, and they followed a set pattern: opening with thanks; remarks on the pleasures of the occasion/appositeness of the gift; more general remarks; reiterated thanks.
But as letters have become increasingly rare and we’ve become more reliant on digital communications, these conventional missives have begun to be replaced by texts, emails and messages. While a letter or thank-you card always packs a more powerful punch (it speaks of time, consideration and effort) a digital message of thanks still performs the essential function of grateful acknowledgment.
More troublingly, we now seem to be entering an era when gratitude ghosting is increasingly in evidence. This is when gifts are received, and hospitality is enjoyed without a word of thanks – the act of generosity is simply met with a resounding silence. If you must admit that you have tendencies in this direction, just try and exercise your empathy. Imagine how you would feel if you had invested time, money and thought in choosing, wrapping and sending a present, and your efforts were met with nothing. Or envisage a situation where you had invited friends for dinner, shopped, cleaned, cooked a delicious meal, plied them with drink and conversation, only to be met with silence in the days after the event. It is not a great imaginative leap to realise that you would be left feeling hurt, overlooked and offended.
These negative feelings can act like a slow poison, infecting the giver with a resolve not to lay themselves open to this casual disregard. Is it surprising that serial non-thankers eventually find themselves struck off gift lifts or left without invitations?
Saying thank you isn’t just about everyday acts of kindness, generosity or hosting. Generosity comes in many guises, from giving someone a lift, helping with their shopping or gardening to helping them move house, looking after their children, or supporting them through a major illness or bereavement.
It often seems easier to thank people for small services, of the help with shopping or gardening variety, than saying thank you for major, life-changing acts of support or generosity. But these big gestures must also be acknowledged, and if you find it difficult to articulate the extent of your gratitude in person, a letter can be a very useful way of expressing more complex emotions.
Gratitude plays a major role in the workplace, and we all know that colleagues who take our assistance for granted, who never thank us for our time and effort, can easily undermine the working environment and make us feel resentful.
If you regularly thank your colleagues for their assistance and support, you will be contributing to a positive workplace culture, where everyone feels more engaged. You will also be consolidating team loyalty and productivity.
In a work context, a public thank you (whether it is on a workplace message app, an email thread, or in person in a meeting) is particularly valuable. Everyone is striving for recognition in the workplace, so they will be particularly gratified by thanks that are aired in a wider forum, where their efforts are acknowledged and noted by other colleagues, team leaders and management.
The person who is giving thanks will also gain kudos from the transaction. They will be seen as generous, honest, supportive and loyal. On the other hand, people who take sole credit for work, without acknowledging crucial advice and assistance, will be seen as untrustworthy and unscrupulous ladder-climbers and regarded with suspicion.
The revised and updated edition of our perennial classic, the Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman, is published on 1st May.
This encyclopaedic guide contains an eclectic miscellany of information for the modern gentleman, from our traditional advice on good manners, tailoring and dress codes to extreme sports, grooming, exercise regimes, travel tips, home comforts, collecting, driving, classic cars and gastronomy.
We believe that a defining characteristic of a modern gentleman is his savoir-faire. He is calm, competent, knowledgeable and worldly, able to deal with a myriad of different circumstances and challenges with charm and ease.
We hope that our new edition of the Guide will be an enlightening and entertaining companion. Our A-Z selection of sample topics below is intended merely to give a flavour of the range and diversity of its contents.
Great for cardiovascular ability and for improving fitness, aerobic classes became popular, primarily for women, in the 1980s, but are now equally enjoyed by men. Bodypump combines aerobic exercises with hand-weights, which involves high-repetitions with low weights, making it great for toning and fitness.
If you’ve had a bad day and don’t want to talk at the barbers, that’s fine, as long as you’re not silent to the point of rudeness. Talking on the phone makes the barber’s job impossible and is bound to cause irritation. When you first go to a new barber, tell him your style, your likes and dislikes – don’t just say “do what you think is best”. If you’re happy with your haircut, it’s normal to tip around 10 per cent.
Caviar is the roe of the sturgeon fish. It is best eaten as simply as possible, served at room temperature. A true connoisseur would never disguise the true taste of caviar with additions such as sour cream, lemon or onions. The average portion is approximately 30g. Test caviar’s freshness by placing a small amount on the fleshy part of your hand between your thumb and index finger – it should not smell fishy. Vodka is a perfect partner.
Men were always expected to hold doors open for women to pass through first, and it is still considered a polite gesture. But if a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t rush in front of her exclaiming “I’ll get that!”; most women do not expect to be ‘helped’ through doors by their male companions. Everyone who passes through a door should check behind them to ensure that they are not letting the door slam in someone’s face.
A mono-brow can be shaved easily, but it’s more effective to pluck between your two brows. Make sure you don’t over-pluck as, over time, the hair may not grow back – and you don’t want to look permanently startled. If in doubt, get it done by a professional.
A ‘signature’ fragrance is an important component in your personal armoury; it should be a memorable and individual reflection of your ‘brand’. Your fragrance is the finishing touch to your clothes and is an accessory in the same way that your cufflinks might be. You should, therefore, have a wardrobe of scents to fit with your mood, the occasion and your clothes. Spray a quick burst onto your chest after a shower – you will already be warm from washing and so, as the cologne heats up under your shirt, it will really open up.
If you’re visiting an art gallery, respect the silence, avoid loud conversations, and don’t talk on your phone. Be observant about other visitors and don’t intrude on their personal space. Appreciate the work, but don’t lecture your companions. Keep strong opinions to yourself (“Call that art!”). Don’t ‘hog’ paintings or barge in front of other people and never, ever touch the exhibits.
On the basis that one unit is equivalent to a dollar, euro or pound, tip bellboys or porters one or two units per case as they leave the room. If the doorman calls a cab for you tip one or two units. Leave housekeeping five units for short stays (more for longer) – never give the money to reception, it probably won’t reach the correct pocket. If you call for room service, give two units for supper, one unit for drinks (the exception is the USA where they will have added a 15 or 17.5 per cent delivery charge already).
The sequence of collar, cuff, sleeve, yokes, back and lastly, the front is recommended. The shirt should be damp (preferably from the wash), unbuttoned, with any collar stays removed. Iron the underside of the collar first, then the outside from the point of the collar to the centre. Cuffs should be ironed unbuttoned and unfolded; start with the inside first. Work sleeves from the top to the cuff. When ironing the yoke, fit it over the narrow end of the board. When ironing the front panels, work around the buttons and pay special attention to the panel with the buttonholes which will be on show when the shirt is worn.
Beat jet lag by drinking plenty of water before, during and after flying. Set your watch to the same time as your destination as you board and try to sleep accordingly – early morning flights that land at night tend to be less popular and you might be able to spread out and sleep. Don’t drink caffeine before the flight and don’t drink alcohol on board. Whatever your destination, try not to go to bed before 10pm. Eat minimally during the flight – food will leave you bloated and unable to drop off.
As a general rule, don’t kiss colleagues or clients, though it is becoming more common, so you will need to go with the flow, but remember two kisses can seem over the top in a professional environment. Usually go for the right cheek first but be prepared to change direction at the last minute – use humour to deflect embarrassment over the meet-in-the-middle mix-up. Cheek skin must make brief, light contact; avoid sound effects, air kissing and saliva traces.
There are multiple ways to lace a shoe, but there are three that are the most effective. The strongest, and best-looking, is to have the laces crossing parallel to one another. A basic criss-cross is also sturdy, though it doesn’t tend to look quite as good. A more stylish option is to criss-cross- the laces over the top, and then feed them up and underneath the eyelets, rather than across the tongue. Laces, generally, should be of the same colour as the shoe.
Protect wool and cashmere from moths by putting cedar blocks in your drawers and wardrobe. Small bunches of dried lavenders also deter moths. Make sure knitwear is clean before it’s put away and store for longer periods – such as the summer months – in sealed containers.
Unfold your napkin (never ‘serviette’) and place it in your lap before you start eating. It’s not there to act as a catch-all solution to messy manners, so never tuck it into your shirt collar. It’s okay to occasionally dab the corners of your mouth, if necessary, but avoid grand side-to-side wiping gestures. When you have finished eating, place your napkin, unfolded, beside your plate.
Hold the onion on its root end and cut vertically in half. Working from the top to the root, peel off the papery layers. Trim the pointed end, but not the root. Place on the board cut side down and make a series of parallel cuts that stop just short of the root. Then make a series of cuts across the onion at right angles to the earlier cuts, right up to the root. The diced flesh will fall away – the finer your slices, the finer the dice.
Port is a sweet, fortified wine from the Douro region of Portugal. Bottle-aged port spends little time in a cask. Cask-aged ports mature in wooden barrels until they are ready to drink. It is a wine to be laid down, as a cask-aged port that spends two years in a barrel will last 20-40 years in a bottle. In formal situations a port decanter will be placed on the table. You should help yourself then pass it on, always to the left. The tradition of passing the port originates from naval dinners where the port was always passed ‘port to port’ around the table, ie to the left.
Qigong (or Chi Kung) is an excellent form of exercise for men who want to move beyond the merely physical, who prioritise clarity of thought and improved mental focus. It combines meditation with exercise and is based on correcting the flow of energy that runs through the body. Most variations tend to involve breathing techniques, moving exercises, still postures and mental training. It is particularly good for correcting posture and mental discipline.
There is no technical proof of the sonic superiority of vinyl compared to CDs. However, what the two formats say about you is perhaps more important. CDs are functional and convenient; vinyl, on the other hand, points to a man who appreciates the art-form in his hand – from the seductive black grooves of the record to the attention to detail in the cover artwork itself. And running your fingers through a shop’s record racks always beats browsing online.
The groom should never pay. While it is traditional to humiliate the groom, exercise some restraint and go for a light-hearted option – you do not want the wedding to be called off because of a disastrous mishap. If you’re organising a stag-do, subtly find out the budget of members of the party – don’t propose going abroad if no one can afford it. Always check if your chosen venue allows stag parties – many don’t. Never arrange the stag-do for the night before the wedding.
Never say to a tailor: “You’re the expert, go off and make me a suit”. They will make something they like, but which you may not. If you don’t know exactly what you want, at least know what you don’t want. Don’t ask for something they don’t do; a traditional Savile Row tailor is unlikely to be too wacky. It is important to be flexible. Just because you have your heart set on a certain style it doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Once you have found a tailor you like, stick with him; it takes time to build up another relationship.
The only person who should know who your underwear is made by is you, so keep your waistband to yourself. You aren’t a rapper; trousers should cover your underwear. If you are wearing just boxers, remove your socks immediately.
Usually overrated and underwhelming, VIP areas rarely attract true VIPS and often lack the buzz and atmosphere of the rest of the venue. If, however, you are lucky enough to find yourself closeted with some recognisable faces, don’t act overly impressed. Never try to take a photo, no matter how subtle you think you are being, and don’t stare.
Three-piece suits are less common these days but can still look good. With the coat off, a waistcoat gives your upper half structure as it works in a similar way to a corset. A waistcoat lengthens the body – it allows you to wear a flattering fabric from neck to toe – so works well on larger men or those with shorter legs. Waistcoats should have six or seven buttons, but the lowest should always be left undone.
Different people will have different parameters for what constitutes acceptable viewing, reading and conversational material. A true gentleman will always err on the side of caution and will stick to safe topic and inoffensive language until he has judged his companions’ tolerance.
If you’re invited on a sailing trip, pack light and use soft luggage (storage space is limited). Always bring a spare set of everything as there’s a good chance you’ll get wet. Never wear leather-soled or hard shoes; always wear plimsolls, trainers or deck shoes. Ask for permission to board before stepping from the shore. Noise travels on the water, so keep your opinions about your neighbours’ attire to yourself. Never throw anything overboard and never argue with the captain.
If you notice someone has their flies undone, embark on the path of minimal embarrassment and remember discretion is critical. If you are on friendly terms, take them to one side and let them know. If, on the other hand, you are hoping they will become a business associate, it may be wise to keep your lips sealed and your eyes firmly above belt level. If someone draws attention to your own zip, trust that they have your best interests at heart and are not trying to humiliate you. Smile confidentially and thank them for saving you any further embarrassment.
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