Image: Robert Burns and Jean Armour, 1878, The Rev George Gilfillan
Seismic social upheavals have occurred since the Victorian period, especially in relation to love and marriage. This Valentine’s Day, we have been examining, with the help of the invaluable Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette (1860), mid-19th century courtship rituals and etiquette.
We are used to meeting people in myriad ways. If we cannot meet the love of our lives through more traditional methods (workplace, university, mutual friends, parties etc), then we now have recourse to a plethora of dating apps, which use algorithms to assess compatibility and suggest perfect matches. Once we meet someone, we have infinite freedom to get to know them, to spend time together, to live and travel together. We can conduct our romantic lives away from the prying eyes of parents, untrammelled by expectations of immediate engagement and wedding bells. It was a very different story for our ancestors…
…A gentleman has in one way or another become fascinated by a fair lady, possibly a recent acquaintance, whom he is most anxious to know more particularly… At this point we venture to give him a word of serious advice. We urge him, before he ventures to take any step towards the pursuit of this object, to consider well his position and prospects in life, and reflect whether they are such as to justify him in deliberately seeking to win the young lady’s affections, with the view of making her his wife at no distant period.
When he has satisfied himself on this head, and found no insurmountable impediment in his way, his next endeavour will be, through the mediation of a common friend, to procure an introduction to the lady’s family.
If a Victorian gentleman wanted to be considered a man of honour, his only motivation for paying court to a young lady was to eventually seek her hand in marriage. If he dallied and flirted with a number of young women of his acquaintance and made no steps in the matrimonial direction, his reputation would be compromised, and vigilant parents would take all the measures necessary to ensure that he had no further access to their daughters.
Young people are naturally prone to seek the company of those they love; and as their impulses are often at such times impatient of control, etiquette prescribes cautionary rules for the purpose of averting the mischief that unchecked intercourse and incautious familiarity might give rise to. For instance, a couple known to be attached to each other should never, unless when old acquaintances, be left alone for any length of time, nor be allowed to meet in any other place than the lady’s home particularly at balls, concerts, and other public places except in the presence of a third party.
Young people in the Victorian era were fiercely chaperoned and had no privacy. Social intercourse was strictly circumscribed, and courtship was inevitably a decorous affair; couples really had very little opportunity at all to get to know each other in private. This must have inevitably meant that most couples embarked on the life-changing commitments of engagement and marriage based on a very limited acquaintance.
A lady should be particular during the early days of courtship while still retaining some clearness of mental vision to observe the manner in which her suitor comports himself to other ladies. If he behave with ease and courtesy, without freedom or the slightest approach to licence in manner or conversation; if he never speak slightingly of the sex, and be ever ready to honour its virtues and defend its weakness; she may continue to incline towards him a willing ear.
His habits and his conduct must awaken her vigilant attention before it be too late. Should he come to visit her at irregular hours; should he exhibit a vague or wandering attention give proofs of a want of punctuality – show disrespect for age – sneer at things sacred, or absent himself from regular attendance at divine service or evince an inclination to expensive pleasures beyond his means, or to low and vulgar amusements; should he be foppish, eccentric, or very slovenly in his dress; or display a frivolity of mind, and an absence of well-directed energy in his worldly pursuits; let the young lady, we say, while there is yet time, eschew that gentleman’s acquaintance, and allow it gently to drop.
Meeting members of the opposite sex must have been a nerve-wracking experience. Because of the severe limitations placed on couples during courtship, they were enjoined to be extremely vigilant. Unable to form the ties of intimacy that we take for granted, they were forced to assess future partners by their appearance and behaviour. Ladies could judge a prospective partner’s credentials on the basis of his general manners and demeanour, the respect he showed her parents, his seriousness of mind and lack of frivolity. They were recommended to closely observe his behaviour around other young ladies; any signs of flirtatiousness or disrespect for the female sex in general were clearly red flags.
It would be well also for the suitor, on his part, during the first few weeks of courtship, carefully to observe the conduct of the young lady in her own family, and the degree of estimation in which she is held by them, as well as amongst her intimate friends. If she be attentive to her duties; respectful and affectionate to her parents; kind and forbearing to her brothers and sisters; not easily ruffled in temper; if her mind be prone to cheerfulness and to hopeful aspiration, instead of to the display of a morbid anxiety and dread of coming evil; if her pleasures and enjoyments be those which chiefly centre in home; if her words be characterised by benevolence, good-will, and charity: then we say, let him not hesitate, but hasten to enshrine so precious a gem in the casket of his affections.
But if, on the other hand, he should find that he has been attracted by the tricksome affectation and heartless allurements of a flirt, ready to bestow smiles on all, but with a heart for none; if she who has succeeded for a time in fascinating him be of uneven temper, easily provoked, and slow to be appeased; fond of showy dress, and eager for admiration; ecstatic about trifles, frivolous in her tastes, and weak and wavering in performing her duties; if her religious observances are merely the formality of lip service; if she be petulant to her friends, pert and disrespectful to her parents, overbearing to her inferiors; if pride, vanity, and affectation be her characteristics; if she be inconstant in her friendships; gaudy and slovenly, rather than neat and scrupulously clean, in attire and personal habits: then we counsel the gentleman to retire as speedily but as politely as possible from the pursuit of an object quite unworthy of his admiration and love.
Similarly, prospective suitors were encouraged to observe the behaviour of ladies within their own domestic sphere with close attention. Signs that they were respectful to their parents, dutiful, industrious, cheerful and – above all – home-loving, were all seen as indications that they would make excellent prospective wives. Any signs of vanity, petulance and frivolity were danger signals – no gentleman would want to form a lifelong relationship with a flirt, who thought more about her petty pleasures than her duties to her husband.
As you celebrate Valentine’s Day, spare a thought for our Victorian ancestors. For many of them, choosing a life partner was little more than a shot in the dark, and getting engaged to be married was in many cases an attempt to please or placate anxious parents or to reinforce social status. It is easy to take our freedom of choice and relaxed rules around romance for granted but we should rejoice in the fact that we are not forced to make life-changing choices based on rigid social expectations and a limited drawing room acquaintance.
“Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast.”
Jane Austen
There is a plague of humblebragging on social media. This hybrid of humility and boasting, often wrapped up in a quasi-complaint, is seen by many people as an excellent way of disguising self-promotion, but its insincerity is transparent and deeply off-putting.
There is nothing new about false humility, as the quotation from Jane Austen (above) attests. But whereas Austen was beadily observing and gleefully exposing telling examples of false modesty in the small social circles that congregated in 19th-century drawing rooms, today’s humblebrags frequently go beyond the merely conversational, and are blazoned across the internet for all to see.
There are two distinct types of humblebrag. The first relies on a complaint: “I hate looking so young – even schoolboys are flirting with me!” is a thinly-disguised boast about youthfulness and attractiveness. The second type relies more heavily on humility, often served with a substantial helping of wide-eyed disingenuousness – “Why do I always get asked to do the important presentations?” or stagey incredulity – “I can’t believe they chose meto make this speech in front of so many famous people!”
A report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2015 identified humblebragging as “a distinct – and ineffective – self-presentation strategy”. It is ineffective because it is fundamentally insincere, an attempt to conceal boastfulness beneath a more self-effacing veneer. In fact, studies have found, that most respondents would prefer to witness straightforward self-promotion rather than humblebragging, for the simple reason that it is more honest.
There seems to be a consensus that humblebragging is ineffective and unlikable. But how do you promote your abilities and accomplishments whilst still getting people to like you? The answer seems to be that sincerity and straightforwardness will have more positive impact that any of the circuitous strategies to elicit sympathy and praise that we have already discussed. If, for example, you find yourself in a job interview and are asked what strengths you would bring to your work, try to answer straightforwardly, rather than hiding behind an off-putting mask of humility: “I’m organised, efficient and I’m an effective communicator”. If you are asked in an interview about your greatest weaknesses, don’t respond with a classic humblebrag, for example: “I get so fixated with getting the job done on time that I work ridiculously long hours”. Instead, identify a genuine weakness but try to give it a positive spin: “I’m aware that my time-management skills aren’t as efficient as I’d like them to be, but I’m working to improve them.”
As far as the bragging is concerned, why not wait for other people to offer praise and compliments, rather than feeling compelled to be your own promoter and spokesperson? You will find that other people will always react more positively to you if you share credit when it’s due, are always generous in your support of other people, and are honest about the hard work and effort you have had to put into your achievements.
The humblebrag is part of the pervasive trend towards shameless self-presentation on social media – the implausible yoga pose, the exquisitely presented home-cooked lunch, the adorable children and captivating pets. Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s acceptable just because everyone else is doing it.
While success can alienate, especially if you boast or humblebrag about it, failure unites. If you must share personal updates with your social networks, make sure they are genuinely humble; you’ll garner more respect for revealing that you’ve walked around all morning with your flies undone than you will for your record-breaking marathon time.
“Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.”
William Shakespeare
Society is changing at a rapid pace and formalities and traditions are being discarded as we all seek the holy grail of tolerance and inclusivity.
These 21st-century attitudes are beginning to have a noticeable impact on 20th-century dress codes. While there’s still a time and place for dressing up – many of us still adhere to dress codes for weddings, smart parties or formal events – this change in attitudes is most apparent in the workplace.
The absolute uniformity of the City of London, where hordes of bowler-hatted, suited and umbrella-wielding workers appeared like clockwork during the rush hour, is long gone. In March 2019, Goldman Sachs, one of the biggest banks in the world, relaxed its dress codes, and formal business attire was no longer de rigueur. Other financial and legal companies followed suit and increasingly smart casual clothes, for example chinos, a jacket and open-necked shirt, were visible on the streets of the City of London.
Changing perspectives on workplace attire have been rapidly escalated by the impact of the Covid lockdown and the increased popularity of hybrid and flexible working. Once a workforce has become used to wearing casual clothing when they are working from home, it is harder to reinstate rigid adherence to formal dress clothes when they return to the office.
A flexible attitude to how employees dress brings many benefits. It advertises that the workplace environment is open and accommodating. It encourages employees to feel relaxed and comfortable when they are at work. Above all, it allows employees to assert and express their individuality, rather than making them feel like conventional corporate drones. The freedom to choose how to dress has long been recognised by the creative, media and new technology sectors, where it is associated with free-thinking inventiveness and innovative ideas.
Relaxed dress codes are also more inclusive, allowing minority groups to dress as they please, and to reject enforced adherence to conventional codes, which are not compatible with their background or beliefs.
Nevertheless, many companies – especially those that involve client or customer interactions – are still reluctant to dispense with dress codes. They feel that their employees are required to represent the corporate brand, not undermine it. They may also assert that smart business attire is associated in many people’s minds with maturity, experience and authority. Customers who are seeking important financial or legal advice, for example, may feel more trusting of a smart suited adviser than someone wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Eventually, perhaps, these attitudes will erode further, and customers and clients will find the non-threatening accessibility of casual clothes more attractive and engaging than the authoritative carapace of the business suit.
The new relaxed attitudes are now beginning to extend beyond the workplace, into areas of British life that have conventionally been bastions of formality and tradition. On 2 February 2023 the Jockey Club announced that formal dress codes would no longer be in place at any of its fourteen racecourses, in a drive to make horseracing ‘accessible and inclusive’.
Up to now racing dress codes have been complex and proscriptive. Racegoers have had to interpret a range of instructions relating to hats, jackets, ties, dress lengths, and footwear. Jackets have been required even during steamy summer heatwaves, shorts and trainers have been completely repudiated and racegoers have been denied entrance because their dress is considered ‘unsuitable’.
All this has now changed and, apart from the Queen Elizabeth II stand on Derby Day at Epsom where formal daywear is still required, racegoers can now wear what they want. The Jockey Club has stated that people will enjoy a day’s racing more if they feel comfortable and relaxed, and hope that their new policy will encourage more people to attend their horseracing events. Racecourses not run by the Jockey Club, most notably Ascot where formal dress codes rule supreme, will continue to make their own rules.
The Jockey Club has listed an exception to its new informal rules: ‘offensive’ clothing. Clearly, whether you are working in an office in the city or enjoying a day’s racing, you will need to make certain judgements about what you wear. It is extremely challenging to find a universally accepted notion of what is offensive, but it is reasonable to expect employees – especially in more conventional workplaces – to opt for smart casual clothes, rather than exploiting the new freedom and turning up for work in sportswear, beachwear, jeans, flipflops and trainers. Employees should certainly default to smarter clothing choices and be sensitive to the workplace culture and their colleagues before going too far down the road to casual comfort.
It may only seem like yesterday we packed the Christmas decorations away, but the reality is that before we know it, the Easter holidays will be upon us, and with it, for students in the last three years of school – a great opportunity for some focused revision time! As former GCSE and A Level teachers, our consultants at Debrett’s Education know all too well the difference made to students who make the most of structured revision.
Since the A Levels returned to becoming linear (whereby students are assessed and awarded at the end of two years of study), the challenge for students has become to retain and then impart the knowledge and information gained over two years of study in the form of exams in the summer term of Year 13. The implications of failing these exams are huge, with many long-term plans and dreams dependent on a successful outcome.
However, it is not just Yr 13 who might be in search of a bit of extra support – Yr 12s who are only a short term away from having to make their university applications, will be conscious of the fact that their predicted grades will be make-or-break in terms of which universities they should approach, and of course, for those students facing GCSEs, A Level and further education courses are also dependent on achieving at the those Level 6s and above.
Hence, much to the dread of so many teens, the need for a well-organised, structured revision schedule becomes a vital part of the Easter holidays and the peak revision time for consolidating the knowledge gained.
We know of course that there are many students who are happy to organise themselves into a revision schedule, but there are always some who need extra support. Formal Easter revision courses run by schools and colleges are popular, and a great opportunity for those who need a routine and help keep the motivation and momentum going. These intensive revision courses focus on subject-specific topics, fill in any gaps in knowledge or understanding, and teach exam techniques that many students need help with. As well as consolidating knowledge, many courses will run assessments and provide feedback so students can see exactly how they are performing and highlight areas that may need more work. This, in turn, will boost confidence and help students to be “exam ready”.
Courses range from intensive subject focus day courses to residential courses, with varied durations, from weekend courses to ones lasting two weeks. Many schools will offer revision sessions for their own students, but there are other courses run at independent colleges, previously known as “crammer colleges”, that also offer high-quality intensive revision courses. Similarly, there are a number of residential programmes are often run at boarding schools over the Easter break. Residential courses are very popular for overseas students, especially those who cannot return home for the holidays. These courses are an ideal way to use the holidays to manage their revision in a more formal structured environment.
We are not suggesting on any level that the students have been inadequately prepared by their teachers – far from it – but inevitably there is so much to take in at both GCSE and A Level and so much work to be covered just ensuring that the specifications are covered, that the luxury of concentrated and personalised exam preparation may just be that. For some students just hearing the same information being reinforced by a different voice can make all the difference. The benefit of a formal revision course is that students are kept focused and organised, the time has been utilised effectively, and students can confidently approach their exams knowing they have done a solid course of revision.
If you would like more information about which courses are available and where, or just a chat about how best to support your child, through these next few months, please give one of our consultants a call on +44 (0) 203 848 9201, or fill out the enquiry form on our website education.debretts.com
Remembering the names of people to whom you have been introduced can be a haphazard business. Some names are unusual, absurdly inappropriate, comic or pretentious, and will therefore stick in your mind. Many names are instantly forgettable, and more drastic measures need to be taken.
Remembering names in a business context is particularly crucial, as it indicates that you are focused on the job in hand and that you care about your professionalism. Potential clients and customers will always react positively if you remember their names but may feel subtly disrespected if you do not.
We’ve all forgotten names at one point or another, but if you feel you are an inveterate name-forgetter, you might want to experiment with the following measures:
• Remind yourself of the name of someone to whom you have just been introduced by using his or her name once or twice, but try not to overdo it, or you will look like an importunate salesman or appear ingratiating.
• Concentrate on the job in hand. Often you instantly forget names because you are not fully focused on the conversation; maybe your mind is elsewhere, or you’re thinking about a question you need to ask. If you’re not really listening to what you are being told, you will never retain it.
• Use visualisation techniques. For example, as soon as you hear the name, mentally blazon it across the person’s forehead. Or pick out a striking physical characteristic (the person’s hair, height, eye colour, spectacles etc) and couple it with their name in your memory – Sarah/glasses; Malcolm/beard; Lydia/curly hair. If the name conjures up a visual image (Angela/angel; Leo/lion) use it.
• Use association. It is often easier to remember names if you are already familiar with them, eg if the person you are meeting has the same name as your father, sister or best friend. But if these connections do not already exist, try and create them. Take the name and attach it to something or someone you already know – Charlotte, for example, could be connected to Charlotte Brontë, Queen Charlotte, Charlotte in North Carolina or Charlotte Rampling.
• Use mnemonics: Think of something memorable that rhymes with the name or make up a simple ditty.
• Repeat the name when you say goodbye. Every time you repeat a name you are increasing your chance of remembering it in the future and using it at the end of the conversation sounds natural and unforced.
On being introduced, it is quite permissible to ask for a name or title to be repeated, and even, if it is a complicated or unusual name that you still haven’t grasped, to ask for it to be spelt out. It is far better to show a genuine desire to get someone’s name right that to act as though it isn’t worth committing it to memory.
Unfortunately, the British cannot use an equivalent of ‘Monsieur’ or ‘Madame’ without a last name, which can be a very effective way of concealing your forgetfulness. You cannot really call someone ‘Mrs’ or ‘Miss’ (other than schoolteachers) and should only use ‘Sir’ for a schoolmaster, or if you are in the forces. Don’t use other terms (‘darling’, ‘dear’, ‘sweetie’ etc) to paper over the fact that you’ve forgotten someone’s name. These are terms of endearment and complete strangers may well feel suspicious to find your conversation peppered with them.
Above all, don’t become so obsessed with remembering the name that you fail to participate in the conversation. If you do forget, don’t panic – you can generally negotiate your way through a conversation without naming names, and you can always find out later. If you have a partner, you could arrange a secret signal whereby they come over and introduce themselves to the person whose name you’ve forgotten, which may well elicit a reciprocal self-introduction so that the elusive name is revealed before you compromise yourself. If all else fails, a charming and self-deprecating “I’m so sorry, I’m terrible at remembering names, I always do this…” should dig you out of the hole.
You know how difficult it is to remember names, so do not be offended when people cannot get your name into their head, just repeat it patiently, and try not to take the memory lapse personally. However, if a person blanks you several times at successive gatherings, then it is rude of them, unless they have a genuine problem. Try your hardest not to do the same to others.
If someone gets your name wrong, correct them as soon as possible, enunciating clearly and firmly but politely, so there is no mistake. It can be very embarrassing for both parties if such errors persist.
“The bridegroom elect has on the eve of matrimony no little business to transact… It is the gentleman’s business to buy the ring; and let him take special care not to forget it; for such an awkward mistake has frequently happened. The ring should be, we need scarcely say, of the very purest gold, but substantial. First, that it may not break – a source of great trouble to the young wife; secondly, that it may not slip off the finger without being missed – few husbands being pleased to hear that their wives have lost their wedding rings; and, thirdly, that it may last out the lifetime of the loving recipient, even should that life be protracted to the extreme extent…Having bought the ring, the bridegroom should now put it into his waistcoat pocket, there to remain until he puts on his wedding vest on the morning of the marriage; to the left-hand pocket of which he must then carefully transfer it, and not part with it until he takes it out in the church during the wedding ceremony.”
Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette, 1860
The bridegroom’s responsibility for purchasing the ring, and the terrible embarrassment that he might suffer if he forgot it or dropped it, was a source of anxiety that dated well back to the Victorian era. In Victorian times, the bridegroom took charge of the ring on the wedding day, and it was the best man’s duty merely to ensure that the groom had the ring safely stowed in his pocket; he was not responsible for carrying the ring himself.
Before the big day the ring (or rings) must be selected and purchased. While the Victorian bridegroom described above was solely responsible for choosing and purchasing the ring, with all the worry about procuring the correct size that this errand entailed, these days most couples will purchase wedding rings together. They represent a considerable outlay, and a joint decision is therefore vital.
For brides it is essential to choose a wedding band that complements the engagement ring – the two rings will be worn on the same finger, so they must look good together and fit comfortably.
There are three ring shapes to choose from: D (curved edge), flat (straight edge) and court (tapered edge).
The engagement ring and wedding band should be made of the same metal, otherwise over time the stronger metal will wear away the weaker one. The most popular metals for wedding bands are: gold (which comes in a range of shades, tones and carats); white gold (which may need to be re-plated every ten years); platinum (an expensive option that will never need to be replated); titanium (durable yet lightweight). Those who prefer to wear silver jewellery should consider white gold or platinum.
In terms of style the general rule for both men and women is the wider the hand, the thicker the band should be.
The perfect fit will incorporate a small amount of leeway for swelling (allow enough space for a cocktail stick to slide in and out easily).
An engraved message or date inside the band adds a bespoke touch.
It was not traditionally customary for men to wear wedding rings; this changed during the Second World War when soldiers began to wear wedding bands as a reminder of their home and their wives. These days, it is an increasingly accepted practice, though by no means compulsory. Many couples see the rings as symbolic of their love and equality; some men simply do not like to wear jewellery. This is something the couple must discuss beforehand, and they must agree as far as possible to accommodate each other’s wishes.
The giving of the ring/s generally takes place immediately after the exchange of wedding vows in both religious and civil wedding ceremonies. Nowadays it is conventional for the ring to be the responsibility of the best man, and if the couple is exchanging rings, he can look after both. There is no hard and fast rule, however, and other members of the wedding party can be enlisted to hold the rings until the vital moment – for example the maid of honour, chief bridesmaid or mother of the bride.
For brides who already have engagement rings, it is traditional for the wedding band to sit underneath the engagement ring. Some brides therefore choose not to wear the engagement ring on their wedding day, giving the wedding band precedence. Alternatively, they simply temporarily swap the engagement ring to the right hand and move it to its proper place once the ceremony is concluded. It is also perfectly fine to leave the engagement ring on the correct finger and allow the wedding band to be slipped above it – the two rings can always be swapped later.
Many people have no desire to carry on wearing a ring after a marriage has imploded. Unlike engagement rings, wedding rings are not treated as outright gifts, so you may want to consider the following options:
Give the ring back to your ex-partner. At least it won’t lurk in your dressing table drawer reminding you of an unhappy chapter in your life. If the ring is a cherished family heirloom, you should certainly give it back to your ex-partner.
Save the ring for your child. It may seem to be a symbol of failure for you, but for your child it represents family bonds, and they may not want to see it lightly abandoned.
Alternatively, you can recycle the ring and have it incorporated into a new piece of jewellery or reappropriate the ring. It is perfectly acceptable to wear your wedding ring on a different finger, or on a different hand.
Autocorrect technology owes its origins to the word processing programmes that evolved in the 1980s, when language was checked against a dictionary to make sure the spelling was correct.
Today, users of word-processing programmes have all become accustomed to the wavy red lines that alert us to misspelt words, and we are increasingly dependent on the computer to monitor our grammar and spelling. A study in 2012 revealed that two-thirds of adults in Britain could not spell ‘necessary’ and one third ‘definitely’ without using the spell-check feature.
While these handy resources may have been detrimental to our spelling abilities, making us lazy and dependent, most spell-checker facilities will alert us to misspelt words or ungrammatical writing and will offer us alternative suggestions, which we then must opt to use. It has been argued that this process is a form of education, which alerts us to our writing errors and may encourage us to learn from our mistakes. Spell-checkers are something of a blunt instrument; assessing words and phrases with no contextualisation inevitably leads to mix-ups. No system is perfect, and we have all learnt the hard way that documents need to be carefully proofread before they are sent out.
The autocorrect feature on our smartphones is much more problematic. This predictive technology dates to the 1990s and, in the smartphone era, has become increasingly sophisticated. The language model on phones automatically suggests words and phrases when the user starts to type, based on algorithms that analyse how people use language. To remain effective, auto-correct programmes must continuously update, relying on internet data from consumers to harvest the latest vocabulary trends.
As texting has become the default method of communication for many people, autocorrect has become a major feature in all our lives. Our priority, in all our communications, appears to be speed and convenience and predictive technology undoubtedly makes texting faster. It is particularly useful when it comes to using apostrophes when contracting words (that’s, it’s, we’ll, you’ve etc) which, if autocorrect is off, requires the user to switch keyboard views to access punctuation, a frustrating process that slows down even the fastest texter and is liable to lead to the total abandonment of proper punctuation.
But any smartphone-user will be horribly familiar with the myriad mistakes that autocorrect can make. These range from the frustrating (“I hope you’re we’ll”) to the disconcerting (“I’m sure our mating (meeting) will be very productive”). These errors are blindingly obvious, but our texts are frequently riddled with them because we are rushed, careless and overly trusting of technology, and we send autocorrected texts without checking them first.
Many autocorrect errors are bizarre and surreal, rendering our texts meaningless and often requiring a follow-up text explaining the autocorrect mis-function and apologising for the confusion – hardly a time-saving process. But in some cases, the autocorrect errors are genuinely offensive and liable to distress or offend the recipient and require more abject apologies.
There is, of course, one simple way of avoiding all these pitfalls, which is to read your texts carefully before pressing ‘send’. This means sacrificing a few seconds of instantaneous communication, but a tiny delay will ensure that your texts are lucid and unambiguous. This is particularly important when you are texting work colleagues or clients – silly errors will make you look slapdash and negligent, which will hardly enhance your professional reputation.
While we have all come to accept that, much of the time, text messages are abbreviated and colloquial, they are a highly effective means of communication, and their primary function should never be impeded by laughable or embarrassing errors.
They were everything to you once, and – if you’re lucky – they will still be central to your life. But there’s no doubt that one of the more painful aspects of growing up is disentangling yourself from your parents in order to be able to strike out on your own.
Adolescence aside (a period where feelings run amok and rejection is in the air), you want to strike a balance between respect for your parents and their way of doing things and recasting yourself an independent human being. This delicate balance is hard to maintain, and inevitably there will be times when parents get on your nerves, interfere excessively in your life, and make their disapproval palpable. Similarly, there will be times when your parents find you cold, confrontational and relentlessly self-interested.
There are many ways in which you can improve your relationship with your parents and vice versa. Being aware that your parents are separate human beings, with their own problems and priorities, refusing to take them for granted and treating them with civility will all go a long way towards constructing a satisfying adult relationship:
• Put the casual grumpiness of adolescence behind you and always treat your parents with courtesy and respect. Good manners, consideration and gratitude will reassure your parents that you are not taking them for granted.
• When you go back to your parents’ house, remember that it is no longer your home, and don’t treat it as such. This means tidying up, helping with the washing up and other chores, and asking permission to use the washing machine, switch on the television, help yourself to food from the fridge.
• Don’t treat the parental home as somewhere to go for a bout of pampering. While many parents would be happy to look after you during a period of genuine convalescence, just being completely exhausted because of an over-active social life and demanding job isn’t a good enough reason to expect them to be at your beck and call.
• Turn the tables and show some interest in your parents. Ask them questions about their past, their friendships, jobs, holidays and so on. Try and see them as people with their own stories to tell, not just part of the background furniture.
• Wherever possible, involve your parents in your life. Tell them about your friends, and from time to time incorporate your parents into your social life. Send them photos or emails, or communicate with them via social media, or set up a family WhatsApp group. Even if you live a long way away, don’t make them feel that you’ve distance has obliterated them from your life – you can always organise a regular video call to reassure them that all is well.
• Keep in touch. Establish a regular pattern of emails, phone calls, meetings etc. and keep to it. There’s no rule about how often you should be in contact with your parents, but – whatever the pattern – you should stick to it.
• From time to time your parents may disapprove of your choices – of partner, job, house, pet, children’s names etc. etc. Disapproval, especially if is vocally expressed, can be very hard to tolerate. Try not to fly off the handle and instead accept that your parents have a unique relationship with you, which may make them feel entitled to articulate their feelings. Keep calm and consider their objections rationally. It’s very likely that you won’t agree, in which case you should state firmly and politely that this is your own choice, and you feel strongly that decisions about running your own life are nobody else’s business.
• Admit your own mistakes. This is very difficult to do, but remember you have a lifetime with your parents, and it’s good to clear the air from time to time. Owning up to your errors will also pre-empt any tendency to indulge in ‘I told you so…’ gloating.
• If you’re ready to listen, try eliciting your parents’ opinion. It will demonstrate that you respect them and there’s every chance that some of their advice will be invaluable – growing up and becoming independent doesn’t necessarily mean rejecting their good counsel.
• Your parents are vulnerable too. As you grow older the tables may turn, and you might find yourself in the situation where you’re looking after them, and they can no longer look after you. Adjust your image of your parents as they get older – don’t persist in seeing them as the invulnerable titans of childhood. Accept that age will bring frailty and uncertainty and recognise the changes that maturity will bring.
• Compliment your parents. They have showered love and affection on you (if you’re lucky), but they need to hear good things about themselves, especially as they get older. So, give them some positive feedback. Compliments on more trivial things, such as their appearance, garden or cooking, will make them feel like ‘real’ people in your eyes. More profound gratitude – for sacrifices made, money spent, support given – will make it all seem worthwhile.
Debrett's, the renowned authority on modern etiquette, has partnered with Poly, a global provider of pro-grade audio and video solutions, to create a guide for global etiquette in the hybrid workplace.
The guide offers updated advice for the hybrid work era at a time when etiquette in the office – whether at home or at work – has never been more important.
Read it here:
The most effective table manners are the ones that will never get you noticed, or cause dismay or consternation in your fellow diners. If you sit up straight, chew with your mouth closed, serve other diners, resist bolting your food and manage to talk civilly to your neighbour as well as eating, you will certainly pass muster. The main aim is not to look greedy or voracious, and any small errors in relation to the more arcane rules of cutlery-wielding, salt-shaking, bread-buttering, and fingerbowl-dipping will be overlooked because your demeanour is civilised and courteous.
Follow these general guidelines and you will ensure that your table manners never fall short or let you down.
• Sit up straight
When taking a seat at the table, sit a comfortable distance away, so that with the elbows bent the hands are level with the knives and forks. Do not tilt the chair or hunch forward over the plate. Sit up straight, sit square with hands in the lap and do not fidget. Do not put elbows on the table.
• Assist fellow diners
Make sure others have been offered anything they might want from the table, such as butter, water, salt or pepper. Help yourself last and never stretch across people. When things are out of reach or have not been passed along, ask a neighbour if they are going to have whatever it is, as a hint, or simply ask them to pass it.
• Serve with civility
Use the serving spoons and forks, not your own cutlery, to take food from a communal dish. If a spoon and fork or two spoons are provided, hold one in each hand, not in just one hand like a waiter. Use any spoons or ladles for sauces, rather than tipping from the gravy boat or jug. Salt is put on the side of the plate rather than sprinkled over the food, even if served from a grinder.
• Starter’s orders
Generally, do not start before everyone has been served, so look around and take a lead from others. An exception may be if it is a large party and the host asks people to start, as the food may get cold. Those who cannot tolerate very hot food should still pick up the spoon or knife and fork and look as if they are starting at the same time; this will ensure that their neighbours do not feel obliged to wait as well.
• Eat and talk
Never eat with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full. It is fine, however, to carry on eating during a conversation. This can be awkward if one person does not pick up their knife and fork out of mistaken courtesy, while the other person is talking. It is not rude just to nod, for example, or to wait a few moments for someone to finish a mouthful. Working out how to eat and talk is part of good table manners and an essential social skill. It is, however, impolite to continue eating during speeches or if there is a performance, such as singing.
• Pace yourself
Chewing food thoroughly, keeping the mouth closed as you do so, slows things down to a more civilised pace when eating with others. However, while bolting food is ill-mannered, so is making a production out of endless mastication or chewing in an exaggerated manner. The best table manners are always those that no one notices.
• Spitting out
When encountering an unexpected piece of gristle, or something that may be chewed to no avail, it is polite to be brave and to try to swallow it. If it is something which would be unsafe to eat rather than just unappetising, then cover the mouth with the hand, and quickly and discreetly put the offending item on the side of the plate.
• Noises off
Try to avoid making noises of any kind while eating, either with implements against the plate or teeth, or with the actual ingestion of the food, such as slurping soup. Avoid washing mouthfuls of food down with noisy gulps of water. It is best to leave a gap between eating and drinking and take small mouthfuls or sips of water or wine.
• Don’t double-dip
There are foods where dipping is part of the way of eating the food, such as satay or crudités. For most food, however, dipping into any communal bowl – say of mayonnaise – is not recommended. In the case of crudités with a communal dip, never bite the vegetable and then re-dip.
• Don’t mop up
It is very tempting to mop up sauce, or the last few mouthfuls of soup, with bread, but it should be resisted. Consume only what can be eaten easily with a fork or spoon.
• Behave discreetly
Express appreciation when the food first arrives but do so politely. Gestures such as rubbing the stomach or smacking the lips are inappropriate and look greedy. Similarly, when refusing a second portion, avoid big gestures and decline politely: a simple ‘no thank you’ covers most situations. There’s no need to say “I’m full” – if you want to soften your refusal a compliment such as “that was delicious” will go a long way.
