Nicknames have a long and distinguished history in Britain. For example, the Prince Regent was called ‘Prinny’ and the Duke of Wellington ‘Nosey’. They are still popular amongst the aristocracy, while public schools and the armed forces are still bastions of the nickname.
Nicknames are, first and foremost, a sign of group solidarity. They can be common currency amongst a group of friends (perhaps becoming more widely used if the person concerned is a celebrity) and using them is an effective way of asserting membership within a clique.
For many people nicknames are a sign of affection and intimacy. They may be humorous or teasing, but above all they indicate that you know someone well and like them. Some people acquire nicknames in childhood, which they carry happily into adult life.
Positive nicknames may well play with the person’s real name; men often have nicknames based on their last name, such as ‘Smithy’, a legacy of the public school tendency to refer to pupils by their surnames. Or they may affectionately highlight a person’s personality attribute (‘Sunny’ for the relentless optimist, ‘Eeyore’ for the comically gloomy).
Sometimes nicknames can be sarcastic, insulting or alarming and are wielded as instruments of aggression. The ruthless mobster Al Capone was ominously dubbed ‘scarface’. Nobody would argue that calling someone who is obese ‘porky’ is complimentary.
If you have been saddled with a nickname that you really don’t like, then you must tell other people that you would prefer to be addressed by your given name. If you do so politely, most people will respect your wishes. If they forget and lapse into old habits, it’s fine to gently remind them. After all, your name is intrinsic to your identity, and you should therefore have some degree of control over what you are called.
Given that nicknames – positive or negative – come from a position of familiarity you should tread carefully when you are introduced to someone by their nickname. If in doubt, ask the person if they are always called by their nickname, or whether they would prefer you to use their forename.
If you are the person with the nickname and your friends blithely use it when introducing you to strangers, it is helpful if you give a brief explanation of why you have the nickname. If you are happy for it to be used (after all, some people prefer their nicknames to their real name), then of course you can say so: “My real name is Victoria, but everyone calls me Queenie”. If you really don’t want your nickname to be bandied about to all and sundry, now is the time to interject with a swift plea: “Spike is my nickname, but I prefer to be called “Michael”.
Many of us don’t have a nickname that highlights a personality trait or physical characteristic, but we do shorten our forename. The list of shortened English names is compendious and ever-growing. Many people prefer a shortened, monosyllabic version of their name, which they feel comes across as direct and dynamic. Alternatively, they may opt for a name that is not strictly an abbreviation, but is derived from their forename (Beth, Nell, Ned, Dottie). Or they may opt for a unisex version of their name (Billie, Frankie, Charlie, Georgie). Try to notice how people refer to themselves and be cautious about how they are introduced by their friends – they may well loathe the way their name has been mangled and be desperate to return to their original given name. Once again, if there is any ambiguity, it is polite to ask the person what they prefer to be called.
If you have a name that is invariably shortened (Alexandra, Margaret, Harrison, Theodore) you will probably need to take control of the narrative. You may need to politely intervene when you first meet people: “Everybody calls me Theo, but I really prefer Theodore”. Or, if you prefer a shortened form, you should say so: “I know Alexandra is a bit of a mouthful, so please call me Alex.”
Be wary of nicknames in a professional context. Sometimes names are derived from a person’s age or physical characteristics and, even if they are meant affectionately, they can easily be interpreted as discriminatory. You might find it amusing to call an older colleague ‘Gramps’; he or she might find the nickname ageist and take offence. Remember that nicknames related to age, gender, sexuality and race may all fall foul of the Equality Act of 2010 and dismissing criticism of them with an airy “it’s just office banter” really isn’t good enough.
Finally, respect social and professional boundaries. Your friend or sibling might be perfectly happy for you to call them by a childhood nickname but will feel mortified if you start referring to them as ‘Bunny’ or ‘Squishy’ in a professional context. Sometimes nicknames really shouldn’t stray out of the confines of family, partnership or friendship circles. Many of us present different faces to the world and if we choose to do so, our wishes should be respected.
The immediate kneejerk response to most criticism is to reject it. Even if the criticism is totally unjustified, however, and your indignation is entirely understandable, you should not lose your temper. If you wish to set out to prove that you are being misjudged, then you will need a cool head and calm nerves. An intemperate reaction will do little to establish yourself as the kind of person who never puts a foot wrong.
None of us likes having our faults or mistakes listed, but none of us is perfect and we all do have faults and make mistakes. If the criticism is justified, then you must accept it with as good grace as possible. This is, of course, easier said than done. It is all too easy to react emotionally to criticism, to exaggerate and distort what has been said. For example, you may have submitted a project report at work and been told that you’d failed to supply any clear recommendations. Instead of focusing on the actual, constructive, remarks you fly off the handle, interpreting the criticism as a sweeping statement of lack of confidence in your abilities. This is a prime example of how, if you allow emotions to take over, you can easily become swept up in a maelstrom of negativity, which renders you blind to the actual truth of what has been said.
That said, you are entitled to assess the criticism as objectively as possible and consider that it is unjustified. Sometimes people dole out criticism simply because they are coming up against a different world view, a different set of priorities or a different way of doing things. They react to that perceived difference by criticising, but this is an emotional response, not an objective critique. If you are the recipient of this type of criticism, it is entirely appropriate to point this out: “I know this is not the way you would approach the problem, but I think you’ll find my results are just as reliable – it’s just our methodologies that differ.”
You might also consider that a critical remark does not always come from a helpful point of view. Sometimes people wield criticism as a way of asserting themselves, of eliminating the competition, or asserting their superiority. They are using criticism as an instrument in their own power struggle, and their remarks say more about their ambition or ruthless self-assertiveness than your failings. If you feel you are on the receiving end of this sort of criticism, rise above it with a display of flawless civility and exaggerated gratitude – they might even have the grace to feel embarrassed.
Consider the context of the criticism – a comments thread at the end of an online post is hardly the place where you are going to find nuanced and considered critiques; insulting remarks and crude negativity in this sort of forum is an unfortunate epidemic, which should be taken with a pinch of salt. Anyone who offers anonymous criticism is not worthy of notice, and their online comments may well be about self-promotion or troublemaking, rather than constructive feedback. Similarly, if the criticism is made in an unfair way (perhaps when you are unable to answer back or offer any defence), or at the wrong time, or in front of the wrong people, then you may rightly point this out.
If, on the other hand, criticism is handed you by someone you respect or admire, then you must listen carefully and take stock. That means thoroughly addressing all the points that have been made – don’t just cherry-pick the remarks that you find acceptable, which will come across as evasive. If you can’t remedy the situation without the help of others, then you must ask for that help. If the solution lies entirely in your hands, then you should acknowledge this and take the necessary steps. If there is no solution to the problem, then you must explain the situation and ask for understanding and tolerance.
Turn the negative experience of being criticised into something positive. See it as a useful opportunity to improve, or to identify and eliminate bad habits. Restrain the hurt inner child who hates being criticised and try and cut through your own feelings of dismay and dejection. Remind yourself that it is simply your actions that are being criticised, not your entire persona. Set yourself the task of graciously thanking the critic for their insights and recommendations. Other people may well observe your cordial behaviour and you will gain kudos and admiration for being resilient and positive. Acknowledge the validity of the critique, then embark on a simple course of action: rectifying what you have got wrong and doing better.
It’s the beginning of the year and many couples will be contemplating tying the knot at some point in 2023.
Traditional church weddings, with all the trimmings, are not to everyone’s taste or may be inappropriate for cultural or religious reasons. Many people opt for a secular register office marriage or a civil partnership and are now able to benefit from a growing choice of ‘approved’ venues, both indoors and outdoors.
Since 2019 both opposite and same-sex couples in the United Kingdom can choose between a civil marriage ceremony or civil partnership.
A civil partnership will give your relationship legal recognition and it will also give you legal rights and responsibilities, which are almost identical to those of marriage. When registering a civil partnership, you and your partner are required to sign a civil partnership document in front of two witnesses. If you wish to end the partnership, you will have to apply to the court for a legal termination. Civil partnerships can be a simple transaction in front of a registrar, or they can include a ceremony (see below).
A marriage, unlike a civil partnership, is legalised by the exchange of vows, and can be ended by a divorce. The ceremony, which is conducted by the registrar, is attended by two witnesses. Couples who choose to go down this route can legally refer to themselves as ‘married’; civil partners may not.
All civil marriages must incorporate a statutory declaration by the registrar about marriage. The couples then utter declaratory and contracting words: in the declaration they state that they know of no legal impediment to their marriage; in the contracting words they formally take each other as wife or husband – they may choose a short form of vow or opt for a longer form of vow, which involves traditionally worded promises. Additional, personalised vows and promises may be added, but these must be agreed with the registrar.
In both cases, couples are required to give a minimum of 29 days’ notice to the superintendent registrar of the district where the wedding will take place of their intention to marry or form a civil partnership. There is no requirement that either or both of you live in the district where your chosen venue is located.
Although it is not legally binding, a humanist celebration allows you to deviate from traditional forms and write every single word of the ceremony yourselves (including religious content, if you so desire). If you choose to go down this route, you may opt to book a date to legally register your marriage/partnership beforehand – this could simply be a matter of attending the local register office with two witnesses.
Couples choosing secular weddings are no longer confined to register offices operated by the local council. There is now a huge range of ‘approved’ venues available, which encompass everything from hotels, theatres, galleries and stately homes to piers, bandstands, pavilions, log cabins, vineyards and boats.
During the Covid pandemic, rules were relaxed to allow outdoor weddings, and in 2022 it was announced that these changes would become permanent in England and Wales. In essence, if an approved venue holds a licence to conduct weddings in a permanent structure on its premises, then it is allowed to hold weddings anywhere on its premises – not just in the structure, which was previously the case. So as long as the venue holds a civil ceremony licence you can choose to have your ceremony anywhere within its boundaries. Laws are even more relaxed in Scotland, meaning that you can have your ceremony wherever you choose, providing landowners’ permission has been sought and the registrar notified.
A register office marriage or partnership ceremony is fairly short (15–25 minutes). A civil marriage normally follows a traditional format, interspersed with music and readings, which must be agreed in advance by the superintendent registrar. The ceremony must be strictly secular; it is not permitted to use religious words in the ceremony, but it may include readings, songs, or music that contain reference to a god as long as they are in an “essentially non-religious context”. Hymns are not permitted.
Civil partnership ceremonies follow the same pattern – instead of the vows before the registrar, the couple may choose to make promises and pledges of commitment.
Marriages and civil partnership ceremonies tend to follow this pattern. The choice is entirely yours and should be discussed beforehand with the registrar:
If you are deciding to go down a civil marriage or partnership route there are multiple choices to be made. Many couples will still favour the trappings of a church wedding: they will want to include a best man, they may want the bride to process to the front, the bride may want to wear a white wedding dress, carry a bouquet and so on. Note that registry offices may be processing several weddings a day, and you will be restricted, therefore, when it comes to decorating and personalising the venue. For this reason alone, an approved venue may be a better option. Bear in mind that the nature of the ceremony and celebration is dictated to a certain extent by the choice of venue. A full white-dress traditional-style wedding might not sit comfortably in a rustic woodland or beachfront venue, whereas it would seem entirely appropriate in a beautiful stately home or country house hotel.
Other couples may rejoice in the freedom from conventional restraints that a civil ceremony offers and may be keen to showcase their eccentricities, passions and individuality. They will revel in the chance to shed the time-honoured shackles, opting for non-traditional music, non-conventional dress codes, or ‘themed’ celebrations. In contrast, some couples will seize opportunity to choose a minimalist ceremony with only their witnesses in attendance.
The choice is yours. Try, at the very least, to choose a venue that will enhance the ceremony you have devised and serve as a suitable backdrop to both the formalities and any subsequent celebrations.
Above all, keep your guests well informed. You do not have to go down the customary wedding invitation route, but it is essential that your invitations clearly spell out the order of events, the nature of the venue and, above all, the dress code, be it traditional or wildly unconventional.
This time of year can be very challenging. As the year turns and we celebrate new beginnings, it is easy to get swept along by the winds of change. If you have any feelings of dissatisfaction with your job, or fear that your career is stagnating, January is a month when you may be more than usually tempted to throw in the towel and resign – possible without having lined up an alternative.
The pandemic lockdowns, which began in March 2020, have had a major impact on the job market. Forced to work from home, no longer juggling school runs and daily commutes, many people brought a new perspective to bear on their working lives. Many chose to leave roles that demanded a return to the office, others re-calibrated their working lives to embrace remote as well as office working. Some people saw the writing on the wall, leaving jobs that had long been dissatisfying, and branching out into new avenues, from re-training to self-employment and business ventures.
The so-called ‘great resignation’ has forced many employers to re-evaluate working practices. They have offered flexible, ‘hybrid’ working patterns and have also improved benefits, such as leave entitlement and health insurance packages, for employees. They may have been forced to reappraise their office culture, perhaps offering more on-site perks, such as yoga sessions or table tennis tournaments, or incentives such as subsidised parental leave, to ‘lure’ employees back to the office for at least some of the time.
We are told that it is a job seeker’s market, and this undoubtedly encourages many people to contemplate making a major move in the first few weeks of the new year. Christmas casts a long shadow, and the job market can feel very stagnant in December; it springs into life in January, and it is easy to feel that everybody is on the move, and that opportunities missed in January will be lost for ever.
It is really important when you are thinking about your career that you do not become swept along by a prevailing mood, or unduly influenced by decisions that are taken by your colleagues. If you are surrounded by people who are excitedly talking up their new starts and stimulating opportunities, it can feel very depressing to feel that you are the unadventurous one who has been left behind. But remember, moving jobs is a uniquely personal decision and should never be contemplated at a time that is not exactly right for you. The job market is fluid and other opportunities will arise. Bear in mind that the January surge in new opportunities will mean that there are far more candidates in the pool. Competition might be fiercer at the start of the year, and there is an argument that it is better to wait until spring before making a move.
Exploit the ‘new broom’ mentality that prevails at this time of the year to sit down and objectively assess where you stand career-wise. If it helps, write down the pros and cons. Look at factors like salary, job satisfaction, flexibility, promotion opportunities and assess them. Examine other factors that may be undermining your job satisfaction – bad team dynamics, a line manager who seems to be blocking your progress, lack of acknowledgment for a job well done.
If this accounting process takes you straight in to negative territory, where the cons are decidedly outweighing the pros, then you might indeed be a candidate for the January job search and resignation. But before you leap, think carefully about your next steps and don’t act impulsively.
If your assessment of your current situation is more evenly balanced, you might contemplate looking at the areas that are causing you problems and addressing them. This might very well mean talking to your manager about your situation – maybe you need to discuss your salary, your career path or your colleagues. Nobody finds these conversations easy, but it will help if you do following:
• Make an appointment to speak to your boss and explain what you want to discuss – don’t try and snatch a quick five minutes by the water-cooler.
• Come well prepared. If you are asking for more money, it is not enough to simply state that you need more, or that you can’t manage on what you’re paid. Research comparable roles, establish an industry ‘standard’ and present evidence to back up your case. You may well need to assert your own proficiency and provide examples of your achievements and talents.
• If you have complaints about managers or colleagues, beware of sounding relentlessly negative. Embed negative comments within a framework of positivity, concede that you understand that certain things are difficult or challenging, then clearly state your objections. Indicate what steps you have taken to mitigate the problems yourself.
• If you have special requests, like more flexible working hours or reduced in-office time, indicate that you are aware that you are seeking a special favour and say how appreciative you are of your employer’s open-mindedness and flexibility. They will be softened up by your complimentary and grateful tone and more likely to want to oblige you.
• If you want to discuss your career path and possible promotion opportunities, don’t be apologetic about it. It is a good sign that you are ambitious and wish to map out a future for yourself, and your employer will see it as a positive. Be realistic: talk to other people about their career progression and establish that you are not seeking the impossible. Then clearly state your career goal, and frankly ask your employer about your chances of achieving it within your current job setting and during an acceptable time frame.
Remember if any of these discussions are met with a stonewalling refusal to listen, or to contemplate pay rises and promotions, even at an agreed point in the future, or irritation or frustration at your presumption, then your pathway is clear. Your current job is a dead-end and it’s time to think seriously about jumping ship.
Acquiring a sibling can lead to a lifetime of competition, as you fight tooth and nail for love, attention and resources. But it shouldn’t be like that…
Even if your childhood was dominated by sibling rivalry, or blighted and distorted by obvious parental favouritism, making the transition into adulthood gives you the opportunity to rebuild and consolidate these vital relationships.
As with all relationships, you should try to be observant and empathetic. Relapsing into the worst habits of childhood – competitiveness, teasing, a tendency to put younger siblings down or defer to older siblings – will preserve childhood patterns, preventing you from moving on and progressing.
It is important to embrace change as you and your siblings grow older. You will need to renounce the ingrained feelings of childhood and accept siblings as they currently are, rather than as you remember them being.
Some siblings never fully discard the competitiveness of childhood. They may still be contending for a parent’s love or may simply find childhood patterns of fighting tooth and nail hard to relinquish. A little sibling rivalry might be a good thing, spurring you on to greater achievements in your life and your career. But it can turn sour, replicating the patterns of your childhood and causing family tensions.
As adults, we have the maturity and experience to unpick and address these emotions, something we were never able to do as children. If attempts to find a path through the difficulties fail, we can also set boundaries or put some distance between ourselves and our siblings in order to prevent the situation from deteriorating further.
Follow these recommendations to ensure that you have a civilised relationship with your siblings. With your shared childhood and family background, you can create a special bond and accept that siblings know you in ways that can never be replicated. You may even find that your siblings – far from being your natural enemies – are the best friends you’ll ever have.
• Don’t take the sibling relationship for granted, make time for each other. This means communicating regularly, organising meetings and social events. It is easy to assume that siblings will always be there when needed, but don’t underestimate the risk of drifting apart.
• Accept siblings for who they currently are. Everybody changes and persisting in maintaining an outdated view of a sibling could ultimately be seriously alienating.
• Forget about childhood slights, fights and tensions. That was in the past, and you shouldn’t hold adults still accountable.
• Forget the embarrassing anecdotes; harping on about childhood tantrums, pratfalls and tragedies won’t endear you to your siblings, especially when they are introducing you to new friends or potential partners. You may have the power to inflict agonies of embarrassment on your siblings; it is a sign of maturity and consideration not to wield it.
• Similarly, don’t be the one person who’s keeping a meticulous record of adolescent folly; recalling fashion mistakes, drunken debauches and dating disasters will undermine your siblings’ attempts to put their past behind them. We all reinvent ourselves to some extent when we reach adulthood and siblings should respect that.
• Develop a discrete, separate relationship with each sibling. Try to keep gossip about siblings to a minimum or you’ll have a disruptive impact on family dynamics.
• Being a sibling doesn’t give you carte blanche to interfere in a brother’s or sister’s life. It is important to respect boundaries and to recognise that if they require your help or advice, they will seek it.
• Don’t complain about your siblings’ behaviour to your parents. That represents a depressing reversion to childhood, when you saw your parents as the ultimate arbiters and were quite incapable of dealing with conflicts yourself. Once you’re an adult you need to take responsibility and sort out any problems yourselves.
• Be polite to your siblings. It’s all too easy to relapse into the teasing habits of childhood, or to take siblings for granted. If you find it impossible to forgo your childhood teasing, jokes and insults, remember that outsiders who are introduced to the family may well find this sort of communication alienating, or even alarming.
• Try your hardest to put the competitiveness of childhood behind you. Look to your siblings for lifelong acceptance, loyalty and support …
Divorce was once freighted with stigma, sleaze and social scandal and this is fortunately no longer the case. But, despite our more relaxed social mores, a divorce will inevitably have an impact on family and friends, who must be kept informed from the outset. Otherwise, your marriage breakdown will become the talk of your social circle, and you will become gossip fodder. Your in-laws, especially if you have children, must be prioritised to ensure that they continue to play a role in the life of your family.
A divorce, especially if children are involved, is for a lifetime, it is not merely a legal process. If you are civilised at the outset, you will be able to negotiate the years ahead with dignity; rage and vindictiveness may come back to haunt you.
For many people, the idea of divorcing with decorum is preposterous – this is a time when emotions are running high, when divorcing couples are forced to confront toxic feelings of betrayal, resentment and disillusion. But maintaining the civilised high ground, and armouring yourself with a carapace of good manners, is an effective way of retaining feelings of self-respect and reducing unnecessary animosity and distress. Good manners are all about communicating effectively: keeping correspondence temperate, remaining calm during encounters with your ex, ensuring that everyone is kept informed and that major decisions are matters of consultation.
Remain open and communicative throughout the entire process and you will mitigate some of the negative fall-out. Write letters to your ex-partner, communicate with him/her about your children, keep in touch with in-laws. Make sure that everyone is kept informed, including schools, your children’s parents, family doctors and so on.
• Don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor
It’s tempting to confide in a sympathetic lawyer, but it is foolish to do so while the meter is ticking away. Seek counselling from professionals or confide in close and trusted friends.
• Don’t waste your lawyer’s time
Arguing about which party should have the cream sofa or the best dinner service is not a good use of your lawyer’s time or fees. Try and resolve these issues with your ex-spouse, using a mediator if necessary.
• Communicate the news in person if possible
It’s best if you talk through your impending divorce with family and close friends: if this is not feasible, consider sending a handwritten letter or a personalised email. You will want to explain your decision, but avoid vitriol and accusations – intemperate remarks, in writing, will cause unnecessary distress. As with all bad news, text messages are inappropriate – it is hard to communicate emotional nuance using minimal words and emojis.
• Don’t be vindictive
Throwing your husband’s vintage wine collection down the loo or cutting your wife’s prized designer clothes collection to shreds may seem like a therapeutic act when you’re in the throes of rage and despair, but it can rebound on you and undermine your case. Judges will take a dim view of vindictive behaviour, so hold your head high and retain the civilised high ground.
• Keep communications open
If phone and face-to-face conversations with your ex-partner are quick to ignite into rage and recrimination, email or write regularly, and keep the correspondence focused and businesslike.
• Stay relentlessly polite and civilised
Defuse fallout amongst family and friends by meticulously observing the social niceties: send Christmas cards and birthday cards to in-laws, keep them informed of your children’s progress. No-one will be able to fault your good manners.
• Don’t try to curry favour with your children
Showering your kids with material goods and lavish birthday presents will antagonise your ex-partner and unsettle your children, making them dissatisfied with their old home.
• Don’t cross-examine your children about your ex
Children must redefine their relationship with both parents and will resent your attempts to invade that territory or extract information from them. They may react to probing by telling you what you want to hear, which can cause complications and misunderstandings.
• Protect your children
Recriminations should never be aired in front of them, and you should never confide in them. They lack the maturity and objectivity to understand and will find your distress frightening.
• Conduct handovers with dignity
Find a quiet place to hand over your children to your ex and avoid noisy cafés, shopping malls and petrol stations. Hand over your children in person – never drop them at the gate or the front door.
• Don’t be a divorce bore
Long tales about legal battles, dastardly financial dealings and flaming rows will soon have you struck off the dinner party guest list unless told with humour and self-deprecation.
• Don’t be a dating bore
Resist the temptation to re-live the low points of your marriage with a sympathetic new partner. Remember, detailed tales of communication breakdown, neglect, abuse and infidelity may set alarm bells ringing…
• It’s fine to say no
If you are invited to family occasions (e.g. your ex-partner’s remarriage, or the christening of a child with a new partner) remember you are under no social imperative to attend, and should only do so after closely examining your own feelings. Only go if you think you can cope without lapsing into animosity and bitterness but ensure that you have a friend who can monitor your behaviour, alcohol intake and emotions.
The etiquette guides of the 18th and 19th century are compendiums of sensible (and somewhat esoteric) advice on all matters related to self-presentation, communication, the relationship between the sexes, social customs and rituals, everyday behaviour and special occasions.
These are still important topics for the etiquette team at Debrett’s and we always enjoy looking through the guides to see what nuggets of historic advice are still applicable in today’s very different world.
We take as our starting point an invaluable list of ‘precepts’, which form part of the appendices to the Rev Dr John Trusler’s popular guide, A System of Etiquette, published in 1805:
Shew in everything a Modesty
Be not always speaking of yourself
Angle not for praise
Be easy in carriage
Listen when spoken to
Be choice in your compliments
Flatter delicately
Command your temper and countenance
Seem friendly to enemies
Never see an affront if you can help it
Avoid wrangling
Judge not of mankind rashly
Trust not too implicitly in many
Dr John Trusler
The ideal of behaviour in 19th-century society was to be gracious and easy-going, a good listener who did not see the need to boast or seek out approbation, who in turn was adept at dispensing compliments and gentle flattery. There was a general recognition that confidence, charm and ease were signs of strength. On the other hand, short tempered, bombastic people who spoke only of themselves and never listened to anyone else were seen as weak because they were unable to conceal their baser instincts – ambition, greed, competitiveness – beneath a civilised veneer.
In the clubs and drawing rooms of 19th-century Britain the emphasis was on always presenting an easy-going and affable exterior – under no circumstances would a gentleman lose his temper, get drawn into an argument, or make his feelings of enmity or contempt obvious. His ‘command’ of his countenance ensured that his facial expressions did not betray his emotions. He was advised to be measured in his judgment of fellow human beings, and to offer congenial companionship. He was, however, warned not to bestow his trust too easily – calculations and judgments about his fellow human beings were well-concealed beneath the bland exterior.
The charming and accommodating façade that was de rigueur in high society not only meant that the wheels of social intercourse ran smoothly, eliminating any unpleasantness, it also ensured that discretion was a highly valued characteristic. People learnt to conceal their true thoughts and feelings and were empowered by doing so. Getting ahead, being successful, climbing to the top of the social ladder were urgent priorities, then as now, but the social ascent was subtle and appeared effortless.
While it is easy to understand that these are charming traits, which would undoubtedly be considered extremely attractive in the social sphere, much of the above appears increasingly difficult to apply in the 21st-century world of work. We live in a fast-moving, dynamic society, which encourages the idea of social mobility. In our working lives, we are prone to self-assertion, convinced that we will not get ahead if we do not push ourselves to the front of the queue and get ourselves noticed. Modesty, or taking a back seat, is seen as an increasingly under-valued characteristic.
But perhaps our historic forebears had a more nuanced approach to self-advancement? Try adopting a 19-century demeanour. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve or fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. Moderate your emotions and present a calm and collected exterior. Be friendly and attentive to everyone, never make feelings of enmity obvious, and exercise discretion and self-control in all your relationships. You may well find that your popularity rises as your demeanour becomes more civilised, reaping you rich rewards.
This is the month of new resolutions and many people’s minds turn to their relationship with alcohol. After the over-indulgence, hangovers, regrets and recriminations of the Christmas season, it is not surprising that opting for a dry month, and possibly using new year abstinence as a stepping-stone to giving up drink altogether, is an obvious choice for many people.
But this simple decision can lead to many manners conundrums and should be approached with tact and sensitivity.
If you are the abstainer, it is quite tempting to make a song and dance about the decision. By proclaiming it to all and sundry you are making yourself a hostage to fortune, who will be reproached for falling off the wagon and dismissed as a lightweight whenever there is a lapse. For some people, creating witnesses to an alcohol-free journey is an effective way of monitoring and managing progress. But beware: trumpeting your decision from the rooftops can look very much like virtue-signalling, and people around you who have no intention of giving up drink may feel guilty and self-indulgent whenever you’re around. This may well lead them to avoid your company and you may find dry January turns into a period of enforced self-isolation, which might make it all the harder to stick to your resolution.
It is preferable, if possible, to be circumspect about your resolution to abstain. Don’t make a fuss when you’re offered alcohol, just discreetly ask for water or a soft drink. If you are challenged, make light of your decision to abstain, don’t turn it into a big production number. That way, you will not become a social pariah, whose sobriety is a living reproach to drinkers everywhere. Don’t take it upon yourself to lecture other people about the benefits of an alcohol-free existence or point out that they’re drinking too much and could benefit from a break. That is their business, not yours.
If you do decide to go for a dry January, you may well be doing it with your spouse or partner. Of course, this will make day to day life much easier, but it may give you a distorted idea about what’s acceptable. While some temporary non-drinkers may eschew hosting social occasions altogether, others embark on a folie à deux, convinced that it is acceptable to invite guests to their house and only offer them soft drinks. While not serving alcohol on cultural or religious grounds must be accepted, in general it is the social norm to look after your guests, anticipate their needs and desires, and make provision to ensure they are met. This means offering, at the minimum, a choice of red or white wine or beer, and not inflicting your own abstinence on other people. If you are unable to do this, you should hold back on hosting social occasions until you are either drinking again or have learnt to tolerate the sight of other people drinking.
Those of us who continue to drink and have no intention of giving up alcohol in January, should stick to our guns, and try not to let other people’s self-discipline undermine our resolve. But we must remember that choosing to drink is entirely our own decision and has no bearing on anybody else. It is all too common for the drinker, when confronted by the abstainer, to become stridently insistent on plying them with unwanted drinks, urging them on with remarks like “a little glass of wine won’t do you any harm”, or accusing them of being party poopers who are spoiling a celebration or big occasion.
It is always inappropriate to question the decision to abstain. On the contrary, you must respect it without interrogating it, and ensure that you are doing your best to facilitate the abstinence. If you are hosting, you must take refusals of alcohol at face value, and offer a range of alcohol-free alternatives to your guest. Ideally, you will have thought about this beforehand and laid in supplies of sparkling mineral water or delicious soft drinks, such as elderflower cordial, as well as providing carafes of tap water. This will mean that you can smoothly make the transition from dispensing alcohol to pouring a soft drink on demand, without having to get water from the tap, or scrutinising the fridge for alternatives. The best you can do is to seamlessly cater for the teetotaller with the minimum of fuss.
The fairy lights have finally been extinguished, the tree has been removed, the cornucopia of festive food in the fridge has been reduced to a few sad leftovers. The Christmas season is well and truly finished. As we confront the quotidian world of school runs, supermarket shopping, train strikes and crowded roads it is all too easy to put memories of feasting, fun and excess behind us and embrace the collective hangover that haunts us all in early January.
But before you beat a retreat, remember that there is one vital Christmas task that still needs to be completed (if you haven’t already done so) – the round of seasonal thank yous for presents and hospitality. Don’t let too much time elapse before you acknowledge generosity – it will inevitably look like a grudging afterthought, rather than genuine gratitude. A thank-you note will alleviate post-event feelings of anxiety, providing vital reassurance for gift-givers and hospitality-providers alike.
Traditionally, thank yous were always sent as handwritten letters – the deliberation and effort expended appeared to be commensurate with the gratitude experienced. Handwritten letters are probably still appropriate for older people who have not embraced texts or emails. The rest of us may choose this traditional option, send postcards or greeting cards, or emails. You can still follow the conventional format in all these media. If you choose to send a thank you by text or WhatsApp, it will inevitably be a much more cursory message. It is certainly better than no thanks at all but beware of sounding offhand or unappreciative – you don’t want to make light of what may have been a gargantuan effort.
Unless you have had an opportunity to thank the present-giver effusively in person, you should always send a thank you, even if you feel your presents were pathetic and the hospitality fell far short of your expectations. A thank you letter is not a certificate of commendation for a job well done; it is a social convention that serves to placate and reassure. It may well be used to relay genuine feelings of gratitude, but in less-than-ideal circumstances it will ensure that feelings of irritation and disappointment are safely stowed away and there is a consensus that everybody is satisfied. Remember, the person who bought the laughably inappropriate present, or served up the indigestible meal, was probably trying hard to do the right thing, and the effort made should certainly be gratefully acknowledged.
The basic principles of writing a good thank you are the same, whether you are responding to gifts or hospitality. For the thanks to sound heartfelt, you will need to express generalised gratitude, which should then segue into much more targeted and specific appreciation. This part of your letter can be the most challenging, especially if you were disappointed in a present or disconcerted by Christmas entertaining. But you must dig deep, find something positive to say, and sound as if you mean it. You can then move into more general news and round off your letter with a reiterated thank you.
Dear Will and Charlotte
Thank you so much for having us to stay this Christmas. It was so kind of you to take on the responsibility for the Christmas entertaining, and we all had a wonderful time. It was such a treat to be able to spend Christmas with all the family under one roof – I know it must have taken so much work and planning.
Opening general statement of thanks
We loved the ritual of drinking Buck’s fizz while we opened the presents and thought your insistence on taking the over-excited children out for a vigorous afternoon walk was absolutely inspired! It was so lovely to meet your neighbours when they came round for drinks on Boxing Day.
Specific highlights of hospitality are acknowledged
We got home in record time and enjoyed a couple of days of peace and quiet with the children before gearing up for New Year’s Eve and our traditional New Year’s Day visit to the pantomime. Everyone is now completely exhausted and dreading going back to school and work! I’m so glad you’re able to come to us in mid-February.
General news and offers of reciprocal hospitality
Once again, many thanks for your truly heroic hospitality.
Final reiteration of thanks
Love from
Emily and Charles
Dear Grandma
Thank you very much for your very generous Christmas present. It was just what I wanted. I really needed some new headphones as my old ones were sounding really crackly!
General statement of thanks
We’re going on a school trip to the Brecon Beacons at the end of January, and it will be great to have my headphones so I can listen to music on the coach journey.
Specific thanks
I hope you had a good Christmas? We had a lovely time with Uncle James and Aunt Flora – it was great having Christmas by the seaside and we enjoyed watching the Christmas morning charity swim. I was able to practise skateboarding (my present from Mum and Dad) on the promenade.
News about Christmas
Next term I’m going to start football club on Saturday mornings, which will be fun. Mum says we’re going to come and visit you at half-term – I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
Further news and discussion about next meeting
Thanks again for the brilliant headphones.
Reiterated thanks
Love
Robin
Hogmanay is a New Year’s Eve celebration that is enjoyed all over Scotland, and its history can be traced back to pagan celebrations of the winter solstice. While it may not be such a major festival in the rest of the UK, elements of Hogmanay have been woven into all our celebrations at the turning point of the year.
It is considered unlucky to welcome in the new year in an uncleaned house. In Scotland this tradition of cleaning the house is known as “redding” and includes removing the ashes from the fireplace and repaying all standing debts.
These traditional preparations have a place in all our lives. After the indolence and indulgence of Christmas, and the inevitable visitors, cooking and entertaining, it is highly likely that all our houses are in need of a thorough clean and tidy-up, and psychologically, it is encouraging to approach a new year with the feeling that all the detritus of the old year has been swept away.
Bringing greenery into the house, as with the yule log before Christmas, is a symbolic gesture. Branches of rowan, placed on the threshold, are said to bring good luck, while mistletoe is believed to bring good health to a household (no more sleazy Christmas kisses). Hazel and yew are believed to protect the house and all within it. Juniper, burnt in the grate, suffuses the house with its pungent scent and windows are flung open to let in the fresh air, in preparation for the celebrations.
As the bells ring in the new year, people all over the country – not just Scotland – will be linking arms and singing Auld Lang Syne. This song was based on old Scottish ballads and poems and adapted by the great Scottish poet, Robert Burns. The phrase “Auld Lang Syne”, meaning “days of long ago” obviously spoke eloquently of the feelings of nostalgia that can suffuse us at this time of the year, and the ballad has gained worldwide popularity.
As soon as the bells have rung, people go to visit friends and family (known as “first footing” in Scotland) bearing a bottle of warming spirits, which is quite possibly a ritual dating back to Viking times. Their appearance brings good luck to the household, but the ‘wrong’ first-footer – variously identified as blonde men, redheads, women, people with flat feet – was traditionally considered unlucky, and it was quite acceptable to turn them away.
If you’re thinking about going first-footing, never turn up empty-handed. You should consider bringing the following: a bottle of spirits to toast the new year; a lump of coal to symbolise the bringing of comfort; a back bun or shortbread to indicate the household will not go hungry; a silver coin to signify prosperity.
The Roman celebration of the new year was centred on the two-headed Roman god Janus, who looked both forward and back. Many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies at this time of year, and this is thought to be the origin of the new year’s resolution – a belief that past evil spirits, entities or demons were banished when frailties, temptations, bad habits and past transgressions were denounced.
The Roman tradition of wiping the slate clean before ushering in a new year has survived throughout the intervening centuries. We are all seduced by the idea of a fresh start and feel opening a new diary or year planner has great symbolic significance. The start of a new year should be a springboard for banishing our worst habits and ushering in a new era of self-improvement, self-discipline, creative challenges, fitness targets and so on.
While all these goals are laudable, and sometimes life-changing, the aspirations of January have all too often been discarded by the dark days of February. Given that this may well happen, it might be wise to stay schtum about your projected programme of self-improvement, and simply smile enigmatically when asked about your new year’s resolutions. A proclamation of praiseworthy goals and targets can all too easily turn into virtue-signalling and if you regale people with a list as long as your arm, you’ll just make them feel bad about their own lack of discipline and zest for personal growth. If you fail to achieve the goals you have been broadcasting to all and sundry in the first week of January, you are then condemned to endlessly explaining that you have fallen by the wayside, and your evangelical passion for improvement will start to look distinctly shop-worn.
