There has been much talk in the media about the ways in which people in Britain still feel discriminated against because of their regional accent. There is a huge diversity of regional accents in Britain, which bring colour and personality to the language, and this should be celebrated not denigrated. There are no good or bad accents – verbal communication is about clear diction, not pronunciation. It goes without saying that commenting adversely on a person’s pronunciation or indicating that it is not ‘correct’ is the height of bad manners.
Many of these problems stem from the notion of ‘received pronunciation’, a phrase that was first coined in the 1869. It is also known as the ‘Queen’s English’ or ‘Oxford English’. Received pronunciation is an accent, not a dialect; its speakers use Standard English, avoiding non-standard constructions and local vocabulary. It is therefore impossible to detect the geographical origins of RP-speakers. It is estimated that only 3 per cent of English-speakers in the UK use Received Pronunciation.
Received Pronunciation originated in the public schools and universities during the 19th century, which were populated by members of the ruling elite. Their speech patterns – based on a geographical nexus that embraced London, Oxford and Cambridge – came to be associated with the middle-class Establishment.
In 1922 the BBC selected Received Pronunciation as a broadcasting standard (it is also called BBC English), believing that this standard pronunciation would be widely understood throughout the UK and overseas. However, RP represented only a very small social minority, and this decision effectively excluded regional accents from the airwaves, probably contributing to negative perceptions of regional accents.
For much of the 20th century Received Pronunciation represented the voice of education, authority and power. For this reason, people who sought social advancement often felt it was necessary to modify their accent, thereby disguising their regional roots. This has changed in recent years, and a vast range of accents are represented in all walks of life – from media, sport, the arts to the traditional strongholds of RP such as politics, the City and academia.
Old habits die hard, however, and recent research would seem to indicate that there is still discrimination against regional accents. Because of the traditional associations of RP with the corridors of power, it would appear that some diehards feel that it is permissible to patronise people who do not speak Standard English, or even feel it is legitimate to offer advice on ‘correct’ pronunciation.
The only time it is ever acceptable to correct someone’s pronunciation is if they mispronounce your name, in which case it is fine to gently repeat it with the correct pronunciation – perhaps with an acknowledgment if it happens to be unusual or difficult to get right.
The new academic year is usually an exciting time for everybody; there is a sense of novelty for pupils who have just started at school, and even for those who are coming back, there’s the feeling of a fresh start, a chance to get together with old friends, as well as some unfamiliar faces and intriguing possibilities. Initially at least, it is a largely positive time, suffused with a sense of optimism about all the wonderful opportunities that might lie ahead. However, this is not always the case…
Hot on the heels of our advice about how navigate parents’ evenings at school, we received a question from a parent who wanted to know how to deal with ‘unsatisfactory teacher experience’. Her situation is not an uncommon one; her son complains he is not learning anything from the new teacher, and he feels that the other groups are doing better work. From the parent’s point of view, there are several factors to consider.
Whilst there is often consensus amongst students as to which teachers are ‘good’ and which are deemed less so, the experience that a student has of an individual teacher is deeply personal and can vary hugely from subject to subject and student to student. A teacher recruitment advertisement in the late 1990s in the UK ran with the strap line, ‘you always remember a good teacher’. For many of us it prompted a nostalgic conversation about our own teachers and the impact that some made on our lives, none more movingly than former Arsenal Striker turned TV presenter Ian Wright’s tribute to his teacher and mentor Sydney Pigden.
Not many of us have had Ian Wright’s experience but we can all concede that a good teacher is the teacher that engages us in their subject, perhaps when we thought that was an impossible goal, and helps us to achieve and often surpass our expectations and those of others.
Ask your child to try to be specific about what it is that isn’t working and what, if anything, they have done to let the teacher know.
It is quite possible that your child enjoyed a great relationship with his/her previous teacher and has been slightly wrong footed by a new approach. The first few weeks of term are all about pupils and teachers getting to know each other and a quiet word at a parents’ evening or a quick email just to ask how the teacher thinks your child is doing as they are feeling a little unsettled, might be a good place to start.
Sometimes, whether they liked a teacher or not, when they move on children can be disorientated by having to get to know a new teacher and feel frustrated by the prospect of building a new relationship. The older the students and the longer their experience with the former teacher, the more difficult it is for them to adapt.
Although there is much in place nowadays in terms of rigorous teacher training and ‘best practice guidelines’, teachers are very different, and each one has their own areas of specialism and preferred teaching style, which will naturally develop the more experienced the teacher becomes. Some teachers are brilliant when it comes to their subject knowledge but perhaps less adept at delivering that to the students, whereas others may not be quite so expert, but work extremely hard to ensure that all children can access the subject.
It is not always easy when you first arrive at a school as a member of staff to get a feel for the culture of the school. This can be especially difficult when you’re faced with a class of students who are eager to learn, as students, particularly more academically able students, can find it challenging to admit in front of their peers that they don’t understand something. Teachers should not expect to be their students’ friend, but they do have a duty of care to ensure that every child in their class makes progress.
Bearing all this in mind and given that the new school year is still relatively young, it is a good idea to start with a gentle word/email of enquiry. This will be particularly effective if you explain that you want to support your child, who is motivated to do well but is feeling a bit unsettled. This might prompt a discussion and a rethink in terms of teaching approach. Always start with a positive – mention how much your child enjoys this subject, but then note that he/she has become a little disheartened… is this something that the teacher has noticed too? Is there something that can be done to get them back on track? A positive, collaborative approach is usually the most productive.
Even if others in the class feel the same, only focus on your child, don’t be tempted to cite any other child’s experience to reinforce your position as this will tend to put the teacher/school on the defensive. If other parents also feel strongly about the teacher, tell them to do what you are doing.
It is always possible that you are dealing with a worst-case scenario – this really is a bad experience and your child is not making the progress that they should. If this is the case, you should be aware that there will be a chain of command in place, and the teacher will have a Head of Department who is responsible for the performance management of the staff and ensuring that all pupils are making the progress that they should. If you have tried the conciliatory and supportive approach in the first instance, and the evidence is there to show that progress is not being made, you will have to escalate your complaint and take it up the chain of command. It is not unreasonable to expect the school to put strategies in place to support your child and, for that matter, the teacher.
Those of us who have risen to the Sober October challenge, and have eschewed alcohol for a month in order to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support, may well be breathing a sigh of relief as November dawns… Christmas is now looming, and the period of winter sociability is beckoning. With Christmas entertaining and celebrations in mind, we’ve been taking a look at the contents of our drinks cabinets.
Spirits and cocktails are increasingly fashionable and if you aspire to a respectable drinks cabinet, you should certainly equip yourself with a range of spirits, and the means to offer both aperitifs and digestifs to your guests. You might feel that you should dispense with the more extreme versions of cocktail-making (replete with umbrellas, sparklers and fruit salads), and leave the theatrical concoctions and dramatic cocktail-shaking to the professionals. But you should certainly be able to offer your guests a timeless classic, such as gin and tonic.
Many spirits come laden with the dogma of expertise; pour a blended whisky on the rocks for an aficionado and await their withering censure. True whisky connoisseurs are safest spending more than less – being forced to settle for no-frill cheap brands is considered as distasteful as swigging out of a bottle.
To some extent, the traditional rules around serving spirits have been diluted by fashion, so take them or leave them. But remind yourself that, traditionally, whisky should be served in a heavy-bottomed tumbler with an accompanying small jug of still, room temperature water. It should be sipped languorously. Water allows the nuances of the flavours to open up, so chilling it with ice prevents the aromas from unfolding. Honour the quality of the bottle; save the very best for those who will appreciate the rare offering.
Ouzo, absinthe and pastis should also be served with water (and ice to taste). Keep vodka in the freezer. Cognoscenti believe that ice should be made with distilled water, as there will be no impurities causing cloudiness. However, it will make no difference to the taste.
Beyond mere drunkenness, some spirits have secondary effects – good and bad. Tequila is an upper, absinthe a mind-opener, not least because it’s high in proof; to some it’s the green fairy, to others green poison), and gin a depressant (take heed if you are prone to getting maudlin when you drink).
Aperitifs, or before-dinner drinks, should both stimulate the appetite and awaken the palate, as well as, critically, aid sociability. You should not, therefore, serve overly sweet, fruity or complex aperitifs before dinner. A White Russian, for example, (vodka, coffee liqueur and cream) will summon disapproving sighs; an aperitif should not be permitted to suppress hunger or numb taste buds. If in doubt, you can always opt for a non-spirits-based aperitif such as sherry or vermouth.
The rule for serving aperitifs is generally to opt for clear spirits over dark ones. You will never go wrong with a stylish dry martini (gin and vermouth garnished with an olive or lemon peel), though beware, it contains no mixers, and is therefore very potent. If you’re stuck in a mind-blank panic, stick to a classic such as gin and tonic. Gin has become a connoisseur’s drink in recent years, and hundreds of local distillers are turning out exotic blends, which use fragrant spices and fresh citrus fruits as well as the traditional juniper. Follow manufacturer’s recommendations and choose a tonic water that complements the specific blend.
Digestifs (after-dinner drinks) may not do much to aid digestion, but they are undoubtedly effective nightcaps. They are usually more alcoholic than an aperitif (and usually served neat): safe options include darker spirits such as brandy, cognac, Armagnac and whisky. Brandy is a distilled spirit made from fermented fruit juice; it can be made using grapes or fruit (Calvados, for example, is made from fermented apples). Cognac, on the other hand, is made from white grapes from a specific wine-producing region in southwestern France. Cognac is distilled twice, whereas Armagnac – which comes from the Gascony region of southwestern France – is distilled once. Whatever its provenance, serve brandy or cognac in bulbous brand balloons that can be cradled in the palms to warm the spirit, intensifying the dark bouquet and enhancing the flavour.
A household drinks cabinet should include a selection of glasses (Martini, highballs, tumblers, balloons) and basic cocktail making equipment (muddler, shaker, strainer). Stockpile all-purpose spirits (vodka, gin, Cointreau, bourbon, rum, whisky). Ensure that you have plentiful supplies of lemons and limes. You will also need Angostura Bitters (an aromatic blend of herbs and spices from the Caribbean that is an essential ingredient in pink gin and greatly enhances a classic Mojito) and Crème de Cassis, a blackcurrant liqueur that is essential for making Kir Royale, a champagne cocktail. Include a standard array of mixers (ginger ale, cranberry juice, orange juice, tonic water, soda water) and you’re ready to start serving.
“I think the greatest sound in the world is the human voice” Miles Davis
In the early years of this century voicemail was rejected by the younger generation of mobile users in favour of texts. For some years, texts seemed to rule the world, a universally popular way of communicating. But in 2013 WhatsApp introduced the voice note, which allowed users to send a short, recorded message; other apps followed suit and the landscape was once again transformed. WhatsApp reports that around seven billion voice notes are now sent per day worldwide.
Yet voice notes are not universally popular, and for many people the jury is still out. A YouGov poll in June 2022 reported that 22 per cent of respondents with smartphones liked receiving voice notes, and 25 per cent of respondents disliked doing so. The whole topic is clearly very divisive, and these are just some of the arguments:
Voice notes are extremely convenient. You can send them while you’re doing something else – for example cooking, driving or walking. You don’t have to down tools and focus on your phone.
Voice notes are better for sensitive topics, because the modulations of the human voice communicate a subtle range of emotions that simply cannot be conveyed in a short text. We all know how attuned we are to the human voice and how quickly we can pick up signs that all is not well or detect when someone is not being wholly honest. Cancelling a date with a ‘something’s come up’ text is bland and uninformative. Leaving a voice note will speak volumes about whether you’re genuinely harassed and regretful, or just making up excuses.
Voice notes are a way of bypassing the exhausting etiquette of text messages, where you’re having to second-guess and interpret gnomic utterances such as ‘ok’ or decide whether emojis are sarcastic or ironic.
Voice notes are essentially monologues, so they give you a chance to speak, uninterrupted, without fear of being cut off or talked over.
A voice note might be convenient for the sender, but it may not be ideal for the recipient. Listening to a voice note requires a certain amount of disruption – you may have to stop what you’re doing, find a quiet place, or dig out your headphones or earbuds.
It’s difficult to multitask where voice notes are concerned – with an incoming text you can glance at it, and even briefly reply, when you’re working on your laptop, in a video call, watching tv (though this is not recommended when you’re eating, talking with friends or driving). Voice notes require focus.
The tone of the human voice speaks volumes, but you may prefer conversation to monologue. Some people really don’t like feeling they’re being talked at – they would rather receive a short text asking if it is convenient to take a call.
Some people find it hard to leave voice notes. They find it very difficult to ad lib without any feedback and run out of steam. They miss vocal cues and responses, even if it is someone mumbling vague noises of assent down the line.
Wherever you stand in the debate, it’s important to observe good voice note etiquette:
• It’s always thoughtful to fit the medium of communication to the recipient. Older people might have only just mastered the art of texting and find voice notes altogether too much. Only send them to people who are likely to listen to them and take them in their stride – it might be a good idea to check first.
• Don’t send long rambling messages; try to keep your recording under two minutes, otherwise your weary listeners will be forced to speed up the recording. Think about what you’re going to say before you press ‘record’ and stick to your subject.
• Don’t test your listener’s patience with long pauses, repetitions, ums and ers, and fillers (eg the repetitive use of the word ‘like’).
• If you are sending a recording to convey specific information or to ask a question, get to the point straight away. Don’t bury the point of your message at the end of your recording – a frustrated or interrupted listener might not make it to the end.
• Don’t send ridiculously short voice notes, such as ‘I agree’ or ‘yes, that’s fine with me’. If your message is under five words long, you should certainly send a text.
• Make sure your recording is audible – don’t send voice notes in crowded rooms, at noisy stations or when you’re walking along a busy road with huge buses and lorries thundering past. Remember, there’s nothing more frustrating than a barely audible recording.
• Don’t convey important news, for example announcing that you’re getting married or having a baby, by voice note. You want to give the recipient of the news the chance to react and celebrate with you and sending a voice note will deprive them of that pleasure.
• Voice notes are great for spontaneity – the minute a thought pops into your head you can just press record. But it’s a good idea to pause first: don’t send voice notes in the middle of the night, when notifications might rouse people, and avoid sending voice notes when you’re drunk.
• When it comes to playing back voice notes keep the volume down if you’re in a crowded space, or preferably use headphones – you never know just how private the message will be.
• Don’t use voice notes for practical information: instructions, directions, dates, telephone numbers, addresses. Recipients will be really irritated if you do, as accessing the information is needlessly difficult.
• Don’t send work-related voice notes – in a professional capacity it is always preferable to use written communication, so there’s a tangible ‘evidence trail’ in case problems or queries arise.
As the seasons turn, we celebrate annual rituals. Supermarkets are overflowing with pumpkins, ghoulish decorations, themed sweets and children’s costumes. It must be Halloween…
It is thought that Halloween may have its roots in the Celtic feast of Samhain, which took place in the autumn. Once the summer harvest was complete, the long, dark nights of winter beckoned, when it was believed that the veil between the living and the dead was lifted, and ghosts wandered the earth. The day was marked with bonfires, feasting and ‘guising’ – the wearing of costumes, possibly animal heads and skins. Historians speculate that these ancient traditions were assimilated, probably in 9th-century Scotland, into the Christian festivals of All Saints and All Souls. These ‘holy days’, which took place on the 1 and 2 November, paid reverence to saints and martyrs and honoured the dead. Halloween, or ‘All Hallows’ Eve’, was the night before All Saints’ Day (‘hallow’ means ‘saint’), the 31 October. The ancient pagan rituals survived, and the Halloween festival continued to be celebrated in Scotland and Ireland.
In due course, Halloween customs were transported by immigrants to North America. These sombre origins were transformed in the US in the 20th century, when Halloween became an enjoyable chance to dress up in spooky costumes, decorate the house and go trick or treating. This version of Halloween eventually spread to the UK, where it has been enthusiastically embraced – this year, Halloween spending is estimated to reach £687 million.
Children love Halloween. It is a chance to unleash their creativity, to devise crazy costumes and what’s more to parade around the neighbourhood in them, to the general approbation of adults. Collecting a generous booty of sweets and treats from the neighbours is an added bonus.
Halloween dares children to flirt with scary experiences in the context of play, and in a safe space. It’s a good way for them to push their boundaries and explore what frightens them in a light-hearted atmosphere – brushing up against dangling spiders and festooned cobwebs or being confronted by a bowl of squishy eyeballs is all part of the fun and helps build their resilience.
“Trick or treat?” should be an ice-breaking formula, not a real threat. Children who are confronted by unwelcoming householders should be advised to beat a hasty retreat. Very young children will need to be accompanied by adults or older siblings when out trick or treating. In safe, confined neighbourhoods slightly older children may be safe enough paying Halloween visits on their own (or observed at a safe distance by anxious parents).
Undoubtedly, there are many people who have no wish to participate in these Halloween antics, and it is important that their wishes should be respected. So, if you are planning Halloween celebrations, pay careful attention to your own etiquette and take the time to ensure that children also understand how to behave:
• You will of course explain to your children that they must only visit houses where lights are on, and preferably where a jack o’lantern is on prominent display.
• Explain that they should only ring the doorbell once – a repeatedly-ringing bell is the curse of many a Halloween.
• Children should be reminded that they should stick to garden paths – no trampling across flowerbeds and lawns to reach the front door.
• Tell your child to only take one sweet from any proffered bowls when they’re out trick or treating. The probability is that they will be encouraged to take more, but it’s polite to start modestly.
• If children don’t like the look of the sweets on offer, tell them they must not turn up their noses at them – it’s more polite to take a sweet anyway.
• Impress upon your child that it’s rude for them to riffle through the bowl looking for a favourite sweet. Explain that they should just take the first sweet that comes to hand.
• Most importantly of all, remind your children that they should say a clear and audible thank you to every householder who gives them sweets.
• If you are out trick or treating with children in your own neighbourhood, remember that it’s their special night, so don’t spend interminable (to small children) amounts of time chatting to neighbours on doorsteps.
• If you’re willingly on the receiving end of Halloween visitors, make it obvious that you’re happy to see them – turn on lights, open curtains, put out your lit pumpkins. Ensure that your path is free of obstructions and trip hazards. If you’ve got dogs, keep them behind closed doors; small children might be genuinely scared by an over-enthusiastic and noisy pet.
• Equip yourself with a bowl of shop-bought treats. Home-made sweets would undoubtedly be more delicious, but parents will discourage children from taking unwrapped treats because they don’t know what they contain.
• Greet your visitors with enthusiasm and admiration, no matter how peculiar they look. Never ask them what they are – small children will be crushed by your inability to see the (to them) blindingly obvious.
• It’s best not to leave out unsupervised bowls of treats. No child will be able to resist scooping up the lion’s share at the beginning of the night, which will leave lots of disappointed visitors.
• If you don’t want any part of the festivities, turn out your lights, or go out for the evening. If you are driving on Halloween, be extra cautious – there will be gaggles of over-excited ghosts, vampires, witches and zombies threading their way through the neighbourhood and they may not be watching out for cars.
Main image: Abbotsford House, Scottish Borders
We are all aware of Britain’s rich heritage of historic houses, castles and gardens, and many of us enjoy visiting stately homes that have been preserved for the nation, which welcome large numbers of visitors and offer a carefully curated and informative experience.
Debrett's has partnered with Historic Houses, the country’s largest collection of independent historic houses, castles and gardens. These are properties that may be owned by individuals and families, whose ownership of the property stretches back for centuries, or by charitable trusts, businesses and institutions. Historic Houses is a cooperative association that represents, advises and supports owners so that they can make their properties accessible to the general public. Sharing their own history allows them to invest in the future of their houses, safeguarding our heritage for generations to come. Hundreds of Historic Houses member places open as tourist attractions, and most of those offer free admission to Historic Houses members.
But now imagine the thrill of delving deeper into our past and gaining access to hundreds more privately owned houses that only admit visitors on rare occasions, for very special owner-guided tours. That’s one of the extra treats awaiting those who explore Historic Houses' 'Invitation to View' offering.
Private owners are the custodians of their own legacy; by inviting members of the public into their homes they are greatly enriching Britain’s historic and cultural landscape, and anyone who joins their tours should be appreciative of the access they are being offered. It is imperative, therefore, that visitors to historic houses are polite and considerate, ready to listen and learn, and appreciative of the insights they have gained on their visit.
Most historic houses are not set up to welcome younger children (under the age of fourteen), because they are often packed with fragile contents. If you do want to bring younger children, you will need to check with the owner in advance and see if they are able to accommodate you – don’t just turn up on the day with small children in tow.
Hosts will be very happy to try and accommodate any dietary or access requirements you may have but will only be able to do so if you give them plenty of advance warning. Many private houses are not easy to get around for those who have trouble with stairs, or walking or standing for long periods, and teas cannot always be laid on that cater for all possible allergies, intolerances, or religious prohibitions, so if you are affected by any of those things, seek advice about whether or not you’ll get the best out of a tour before booking.
It would be rude to keep a house-owner, and other visitors, waiting, so make sure you’re not late. However, you should also ensure you don’t arrive too early, because the owners may well be preparing for your visit and it can be awkward to put away lawn mowers or tidy up children’s rooms when guests have already arrived and are waiting in the garden. There is an ideal arrival window of somewhere between fifteen and five minutes before the advertised start time.
You really don’t need to bring large bags with you – many houses won’t have the facilities to store them while you’re on your tour. Avoid carrying rucksacks, which can be very hazardous in confined spaces. It’s easy to forget that you’ve got a bulky object on your back, and many a precious vase has been smashed by someone wearing a rucksack turning around in a tight space….
Nobody will be dressed up for the tour, so choose clothes that are warm (you may well be looking at the garden) and comfortable. Under no circumstances should you wear stiletto heels, which can wreak terrible damage on wooden floors and other fragile surfaces. You will be doing a lot of standing, so it is sensible to wear flat, comfortable shoes.
These tours offer the great privilege of giving you access to someone’s home. You will be taken into essentially private spaces, and you must respect that this is an act of trust. It would be entirely inappropriate to open closed cupboards or pick up personal items. The owners will certainly appreciate your interest and curiosity, but they do not want to feel that strangers are prying into their private lives.
Questions are always welcomed. You may have thought of some before your visit, based on your knowledge of the house, family, or area, or they may occur to you as you go round. They’re a chance to learn, and to help the group learn. Asking genuine questions is a great way of showing your host your interest and appreciation and may even entice them to share further stories or spaces.
We are all compulsive photographers nowadays, ever ready to take pictures on our phones and post them on our social media accounts. But when you are visiting someone’s home, it is imperative that you ask the permission of the owner and check specifically that they are comfortable with photographs being shared. There have been cases in which photos posted online have revealed key pieces of information about security, helping burglars to raid houses and take valuable historic artefacts.
Most tours end with tea and cake or even a light meal. This is an excellent opportunity to talk further with your host, and with other tour guests. You’re likely to have a lot in common with other people who enjoy these tours, and it’s a great way to meet new, like-minded people. So, rather than hunkering down at the corner table, be friendly and open and show that you are willing to chat.
It is only polite to take a few moments to say thank you to your host for the time they have given you and the insights they have shared.
At a time when violent disagreements and unseemly spats are part of our daily news diet, when social media is awash with dissent and recriminations and pitched battles between so-called colleagues appear to have become the norm, we have been contemplating the elusive goals of conformity and consensus.
We have turned to ‘How to Behave’ (1856), a comprehensive guide to etiquette and manners by Samuel Roberts Wells, and note that it speaks, in its customary magisterial tones, on the subject as follows:
“Conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the rights of others and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you cannot sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong, but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.”
Mr Wells rightly recognises that, even if agreement in a group or professional body is partial or not truly heartfelt, it behoves you – especially in a public position where your behaviour is open to scrutiny – to conform to the general view. Open dissent will detract from fragile consensus; discussion, disagreement and persuasion, which can be both challenging and constructive, should never be allowed to publicly undermine the appearance of accord.
“You may choose your company, but having chosen it, you must conform to its rules till you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must ‘do as the Romans do’.”
You are entitled to choose your own alliances and associations, both social and professional, but once you have done so you should adhere loyally to their prevailing beliefs.
“We are sovereign individuals and are born with certain ‘inalienable rights’; but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights cannot conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed.”
Our individual goals, aspirations and ambitions may conflict with any group enterprise in which we have chosen to participate. We should be aware that asserting our refusal to conform with a consensus may well exclude us from a position where we have the power to influence it.
These general principles should be borne in mind in any situation where you are seeking consensus or competent and harmonious decision-making. In the professional context, effective teams strive for consensus in the following ways:
A forum is created in which each person in the team is given the opportunity to make suggestions or float ideas in a group discussion. It is essential at this point that everybody gets a fair hearing and that ideas are not shot down, dismissed or derided.
Once the ideas are all on the table, the group can jointly review them, ask for further explanation, maybe consider combining similar ideas, and work together to effectively prioritise them according to their effectiveness.
The team is given the opportunity to cast their votes for the ideas that have been tabled. In successive rounds ideas that receive less than half the votes are eliminated, until a final vote can be held on three to five items.
If the team is divided down the middle and no clear option has emerged, this is the time for a further discussion, and at this point – if you are the stand-out who refuses to conform with the rest of the group, you will need to think about the wise words of Mr Wells and decide whether you are prepared, for the sake of resolution and harmony, to compromise.
Remember that, if you can make significant compromises to achieve consensus, there will be many benefits. The decisions that the team makes will have taken into account all the different perspectives of the team. By collaborating to reach a decision, the individual members of the team are more likely to feel well-disposed towards their colleagues, and less likely to experience feelings of rivalry or resentment, which often come from being overlooked or ignored. Eliminating disgruntled losers and ensuring that everyone is invested in the decisions made ensures that any agreed next steps are more likely to be implemented effectively.
Many parents greet the ritual of the parent-teacher evening with a mixture of dread and anticipation. It may well be a bit of a maelstrom and you may feel that time is too short or massively curtailed, but at least you will have an opportunity to discuss your child’s progress and get to know teaching staff a bit better.
Given the time pressures, you will need to maximise the value of your 10–15-minute slot. This means asking sensible questions, listening carefully to what the teacher has to say, and avoiding getting side-tracked into fascinating, but irrelevant, conversational cul-de-sacs. You should also see parents’ evenings as another opportunity to meet and get to know fellow parents, which will be beneficial to your child’s social life. It is very important that you observe the social niceties, and don’t get incensed by teachers over-running or bad queuing etiquette. You don’t want to get a reputation as the stroppy parent who always makes a scene on these occasions.
We’ve put together some advice for navigating these important occasions:
You will need to follow the school’s advice and guidance on this. Many primary schools prefer to see parents alone, and if you have to bring your child along, they may well be able to play with their classmates while you chat. Some secondary schools encourage parents to bring their children, as they feel that participating in the conference encourages them to take responsibility for their own educational progress and priority-setting.
These events, especially in secondary schools, are highly orchestrated and their success is completely dependent on parents cooperating and following guidelines. While at primary school, you will only need to attend one meeting with your child’s class teacher, at secondary school you may have a long list of teachers to see, especially if your child is doing GCSEs. You will be able to book slots ahead and it is very important that you try to stick to them, and don’t encourage the teacher to overrun their allotted time slot when they’re seeing you. Once the booking system gets out of kilter, there will be all sorts of knock-on effects, and the whole event will become stressful.
Inevitably, there will be timetabling glitches, even in the best-run events and you will need to keep calm and flexible. If you arrive late at your meeting, through no fault of your own, barging up to the teacher and demanding that you be seen immediately, even if other parents are already in consultation, is unacceptable. You will have to sit it out, wait patiently; if there are two of you, you might need to split up to maintain your evening’s timetable. It’s very frustrating but shouting at teachers or berating other parents is counter-productive and may cause your child acute embarrassment.
Once you are seated opposite the teacher, you may feel that you have been given a carte blanche to discuss your favourite subject, your child. But you are at the school to discuss educational and social progress, not to indulge in meandering digressions your child’s eating, sleeping or tv habits. You might find this kind of discussion endlessly fascinating, but the teacher will be champing at the bit, anxious to get on to the evening’s main business.
Some parents find it helpful to jot down questions before the parents' evening, which will help ensure they remain focussed. Try to avoid asking general, open questions of the “how is Jamie getting on?” variety. Instead, keep the conversation focused by asking questions like “is Jamie on target/meeting expectations/working at above or below average?” If you have specific concerns (reading ability, focus in class etc), now is the time to raise them. It is also a good idea to ask about your child’s learning behaviour: does he/she participate fully in class discussions, appear engaged and interested? or, is he or she non-engaged, fidgety and distracted? If the latter is the case, ask the teachers about ways this can be addressed.
Here are some useful questions:
Is my child progressing in line with the school’s expectations?
What can he or she do to improve?
Is there anything he or she does particularly well or badly?
How much time should homework take?
Does he or she contribute in lessons?
How does my child get along with classmates?
What can I do to help?
We are all prone to judging our own children in relation to their contemporaries. It is very common for parents to ask how their child is doing compared to other classmates, in effect to ask for their class ranking. Teachers will not engage in this kind of discussion, so don’t waste their time.
Now is a good time – especially if your child has just started school or is in primary school – to check that they have settled in, are behaving well, making friends, socialising successfully. It can be very hard to get reliable answers to these questions from the child and you need to be observant about their social progress so that any problems can be nipped in the bud.
Teachers move in a world that is full of acronyms, mysterious grading systems and jargon-filled discourse. You are not an educational expert and may feel baffled and alienated by some of the terminology the teacher uses. If that is the case, just ask for an explanation. You are not expected to know these things, and teachers can easily get carried away and forget that you are very unlikely to do so.
‘Helicopter’ parents, who anxiously supervise every aspect of their child’s school life, or ‘tiger’ parents, who are fiercely ambitious for their children, can be the bane of teachers’ lives. Instead of arriving at the consultation with an open mind, they turn up with an agenda, make tyrannical demands, take copious notes. They lay down the law, rather than listening carefully and sensitively to what they are being told, and teachers feel patronised and disrespected.
If you know that your child is enjoying school, or is stimulated by a certain teacher’s lessons, take the trouble to say so. Parent-teachers’ evenings are exhausting for teachers, who will feel dispirited by a ceaseless barrage of questions and demands. Teachers are only human; they appreciate positive approbation.
If you have criticisms of the school, the teaching, negative feedback about the classroom dynamic, the workload etc., this is not really the forum for a full discussion. You can certainly indicate that you are dissatisfied or concerned, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule a meeting at another time to discuss these issues. Whatever you do, don’t manifest any aggression towards the teacher in question – you will be labelled as a troublemaker, and the teacher will become defensive and uncommunicative. Approach all problems with an “I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can work it out” mentality.
Inevitably you will find yourself sitting next to other parents as you wait for your consultation sessions. Now is the time to be sociable and friendly. Chat with other parents but keep it light – don’t immediately dive into in-depth criticisms of the school or the teachers (which other parents may find alienating). Try and avoid talking about your children’s progress; if you start swapping notes with other parents, you could fall into the boasting trap, or needlessly feed your own insecurities about your child’s progress. Be discreet and save these questions for the teacher.
In an increasingly informal world, it is easy to think that invitations don’t matter. The assumption is that a WhatsApp message or text will surely suffice, and for many events this is undoubtedly true. But, as a rule of thumb, the more planning, forethought, expense and ambition that you put into an event, the more important it is to get the invitations right. A well designed, clearly worded invitation is an eloquent social telegram, which your guests will need to decode. It will be sent out sufficiently early to alert them to the date, give them practical information (timings, venue, running order etc), and it will also give them much more subtle messages about the nature of the event (level of formality, dress codes etc).
Text invitations are extremely casual and throwaway and should not be used for anything other than very informal get-togethers (eg ‘Would you like to pop round for a glass of wine on Friday evening – around 6pm?). They should only be sent to people you know well, with whom you regularly socialise – you won’t have to load your short text message with extra information, such as your address.
Email invitations are acceptable for an informal event, but you should concede that they are a convenient substitute for an invitation, so don’t attempt to ‘mimic’ the real thing in the body of the email, which looks cheapskate.
Just write a short note explaining that you’re having a few friends round for an informal supper, for example. Make sure you mention the start time and venue (if it’s not taking place at home). If you would like a reply, say so in words, eg ‘let me know if you can make it’, rather than using the invitation code of RSVP. Add your full address under your sign-off, which will be a useful reminder for guests, and will mean they have your postcode easily available for Satnavs.
The term ‘printed’ covers a range of processes, from home-printed on lightweight card, to digitally printed at your local printshop, to engraved on thick card by a professional printer.
At the very least, these should include the following information:
• The name of the host and/or hostess.
• The name of the guest/s: this can be handwritten in the top left-hand corner or handwritten in the body of the invitation.
• The words of invitation reflect the formality of the event (‘request the pleasure of...’ is formal; ‘are having a party to celebrate…’ is informal).
• The nature of the event (drinks, cocktails, party, dinner). This may be placed in the bottom right-hand corner.
• The time and place where the event will take place
• RSVP (if this is to a different address than the party venue, then it should be given under the letters RSVP, usually in left-hand bottom corner. Alternatively, a mobile phone number or email address can be specified).
• If there is a dress code it should be stipulated in the bottom right-hand corner, eg ‘Black tie’ or ‘Smart casual’. If you are indicating the nature of the event (eg ‘Dinner and dancing’) in the bottom right (see above), this information should go above the dress code.
The style of the invitation should mirror the nature of the event. So don’t use an elaborate Copperplate script typeface or grandiose language like ‘Decorations’ and ‘Carriages at 2 o’clock’ if you’re having an informal party. Don’t say ‘cocktails’ if you’re providing a fruit punch, or ‘canapés’ if you’re planning on handing round sausages on sticks and bowls of crisps. Guests will use the invitations to gauge the nature of the event, and you don’t want to mislead or disappoint them. If your event is formal, however, follow the conventional design and typography, and use a standard sized invitation card of good texture, usually about 6x4.5 inches (15 x 11 cm)
White or cream card and a classic serif typeface, such as Garamond or Baskerville, are a safe and elegant default position for less formal events. However, the comparative neutrality of the design may be more challenging for guests who are trying to decipher the nature of the event, so you might have to pay more attention to the wording you use, or give some clue through the dress codes. You could say, for example, ‘drinks and buffet’ and specify ‘elegantly casual’.
If, on the other hand, you want to convey a very specific message about an event (eg a nostalgic party to celebrate a 60th birthday) then it is perfectly acceptable to use typography, colour, photographs etc. to create a strong message about what your guests can expect.
Whatever the nature of the event, do think carefully about the font you choose; it would probably be misleading to use a zany script like Comic Sans for a party to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, where you are paying tribute to an older couple and want to inject a little dignity into the design. On the other hand, Comic Sans may well be entirely appropriate for an 18th-birthday bash. If you want to imply that your event will be refreshingly contemporary, untrammeled by hidebound traditions, then perhaps you could choose a modern sans serif typeface, such as Helvetica, Gill, Futura or Franklin Gothic to subtly convey this.
Many hosts will fret about the possibility of their party being invaded by a horde of unpredictable, and occasionally intolerable, ‘plus ones’. It goes without saying that any guest who receives an invitation that specifies their name only and wants to bring their own guest, will need to contact the host and politely ask if it would be possible to bring a partner.
Nervous hosts, who are wary of being confronted by unanticipated guests, should not attempt to make any statement about ‘plus ones’ on the invitation. Add the name of the single invitee as usual and if you feel there is a risk that they will bring an uninvited guest, enclose a short handwritten note with the invitation, just saying that – because of space restrictions – you’re very sorry that you won’t be able to invite friends or partners.
If, on the other hand, you’re ready to welcome all comers, you can always write the name of single invitees and add ‘plus guest’.
Resignation is in the news at the moment, and we are all observing people in public life who refuse to resign, offer their resignation promptly, or are forced to resign (ie sacked). We have discussed the mechanics of resignation before on this blog, but today our etiquette experts are looking at the vexed question of when to go.
If you are feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, ready to move but not sure when to do it, take a look at our checklist:
• Are you thriving in your job?
If you feel that your job is well suited to your abilities, that you are being given plenty of opportunities to gain experience and acquire new skills, that you are stimulated and well-motivated, then you are thriving. However, this optimum state frequently proves elusive, and you may feel instead that you are stagnating, deprived of stimulus and new openings. This may be the moment to move on, although it would be sensible to raise your dissatisfaction with management before you make any final decision.
• Are you respected by managers and colleagues?
A successful career is buoyed up by the approbation and support of your managers and colleagues. If you feel that this vital approval is beginning to seep away, you may be in trouble. This is when you need to carefully examine your situation.
Do you feel you are doing a good job but are not getting the respect and support you deserve? If this is the case, you may need to address the problem directly with your managers and you may be able to change the narrative.
There is another possibility, and it will take unflinching honesty and ruthless self-appraisal to acknowledge it, which is that you are falling short in your work, and not meeting the expectations of your managers and colleagues. If this is the case, you have two choices: accept that you are not up to the job (perhaps you have been promoted to a level that is clearly above your abilities); or resolve to earn the respect that you feel is lacking – if you decide to go down this route, you should map out what you have to do and set yourself clear time limits in which to achieve these goals.
• Are there opportunities in your role for career progression?
All too often, feeling that you have reached the end of the road is a very good reason for resignation. We all of us want to feel that we are moving on, learning more, acquiring new skills, gaining respect. If you feel that you are bumping your head against a glass ceiling and there is nowhere to go, then you should consider resigning. But before you make the decision to do so, you should raise the matter with your manager, explain your frustration, and at least give your employers a chance to open new career avenues.
• Are you burnt out? Do you feel your energy is being sapped?
Sometimes a job simply gets too much. You work too hard, take your work worries home, carry a permanent burden of anxiety and stress. You might have a boss who is incapable of recognising that he or she is over-demanding and inflexible – your attempts to satisfy their demands are driving you into the ground. The physical symptoms of stress are undeniable: insomnia, exhaustion, loss of appetite and, in some cases, a tendency to seek over-stimulation or oblivion. These are red flags; if you love your job, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your manager and see if there is any willingness to ease your situation. If, on the other hand, these levels of stress are combined with ambivalence about your job, this is an excellent reason to resign.
• Are you being micromanaged?
If you feel that your every move is being monitored and controlled, that you have no agency, then you may well decide that it is time to move on. Some people respond well to micromanagement and are happy to have any sense of responsibility taken out of their hands. But if you are independent and self-motivated with a keen sense of initiative, you will inevitably find being over-supervised oppressive. As always, you should try and raise concerns with management before taking any decisive steps.
• Are you working in a toxic environment?
Sometimes your workplace turns nasty. This may well be caused by bad management or by unsustainable workloads, targets and deadlines, but a workplace has truly become poisonous when colleagues turn on each other, gossip becomes rife, bullying is part of the culture and betrayal and disloyalty flourish. Generally, when the culture becomes this toxic, you must recognise that it is rotten through and through and cut loose.
While it is possible to address most of these issues, we all know that this is easier said than done. Once a job has turned sour, or you have lost the respect of your colleagues, or you feel in turn that you have no faith in management, it may be very difficult to turn the situation around and resignation is clearly the only option.
You may feel embittered and disillusioned when you are forced to make this choice, but it is important that you remain polite and positive. When you send in your resignation letter, do not play the blame game – no matter how victimised you may feel, do not blame other people for your departure. Frame any criticisms you may have in an obliquely positive light (“I really appreciated Bob’s meticulous supervision of my work” or “I must thank you for the chance you gave me to gain experience and expertise and am looking forward to moving forward in my new role”). By not burning any bridges and you will ensure that you minimise any fallout surrounding your departure.
