In 1605 Parliament was the focus of dissent and conspiracy, when a group of thirteen Roman Catholics, led by Guido (Guy) Fawkes, plotted to blow up Parliament and kill King James I, a Protestant ruler who sought to rid the country of Catholicism. The plot was foiled and the 36 barrels of gunpowder that had been secreted in a cellar beneath the House of Lords, were never exploded. The conspirators were tried for treason and brutally executed.
On the night that the plot was discovered, bonfires were set alight to proclaim the safety of the King. The event, which has resonated throughout the centuries, is known as Bonfire Night. On 5 November the near-assassination of the King is commemorated with bonfires, fireworks and burning effigies of Guy Fawkes.
The dark roots of this annual festival have been subsumed by the intervening centuries. Most people now see it as a chance to eat char-grilled sausages and potatoes, get together with friends, and enjoy the fireworks that light up the sky all over the country. In some parts of England, in particular Kent and Sussex, the bonfire traditions have been more resilient. In the town of Lewes, the 5 November is also used to commemorate the burning of 17 Protestant martyrs in the town during the reign of Queen Mary in the 16thcentury. Other towns and villages have their own Bonfire Societies, which prepare all year for the celebrations, which include elaborate parades, costumes, spectacular firework displays, bonfires and the burning of increasingly topical effigies – Guy Fawkes has been supplanted by a selection of figures in the news, from Vladimir Putin and Osama bin Laden to Saddam Hussein, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson.
Some people see Bonfire Night as a kind of extension of Halloween – an opportunity to enjoy a week of fireworks and celebrations. Others still maintain that Halloween in its present version is an American import and prefer to adhere to the uniquely English ritual of Bonfire Night. Many people will eschew purchasing their own fireworks and opt for the safe spectacle of civic displays, but for others the opportunity to build a bonfire and let off fireworks is a major thrill.
For people who love their own pyrotechnics, and who are planning a back garden bonfire celebration, it is sensible to keep your fireworks well within the law, and to be hyper-aware of the impact on neighbours:
• If you’re having a bonfire night party, warn the neighbours, and preferably invite them. Be particularly meticulous about this if you know they have dogs and cats. Many pets are completely petrified of fireworks and will need to be shut up for the night.
• It is generally understood that fireworks on private property should not be let off after midnight on Bonfire Night, so observe the curfew, and don’t torture the neighbourhood with ear-splitting bangs and whistles. Check local by-laws to ensure that more strict guidelines have not been imposed in your locale.
• It is against the law to set off fireworks in the street or in other public places without permission from the local council, so if that happens you are quite entitled to complain to the police.
• You are permitted to have a bonfire in your garden, but there are laws against burning any substances that might release harmful fumes – this will include plastic, rubber or painted items. If you stick to firewood, you won’t be endangering anyone’s health, and your bonfire will be delightfully aromatic. If you’re going to burn a guy, ensure that it is made of natural materials (eg fabric and straw).
• It is vitally important that you keep your bonfire contained, and that the smoke is not causing a nuisance, or obscuring visibility on an adjacent road. Be aware that if your fire gets out of control or damages a neighbour’s property (for example by burning a fence), you will be liable for any destruction and costs incurred. To minimise any risk, it is always a good idea to set your fire on soil, rather than on a grassy or overgrown part of the garden, which can easily ignite if dry.
• Light fireworks at arm’s length, using a taper, then stand back. Never throw a firework. Don’t go near fireworks that have been lit – even if they haven’t gone off they could still explode. Have buckets of water handy for emergencies – they’re also useful for cooling down spent sparklers, which can get very hot (hold them in gloved hands). Never leave matches or lighters lying around.
•Safety is paramount, especially where children are concerned. If you have invited round friends with children, you must do your utmost to ensure that they are supervised at all times, kept well away from the fireworks, and not allowed to encroach on the bonfire where flying sparks are a real hazard.
• If you are holding a bonfire party, be careful about alcohol. Try and have the firework display before too much drink has been consumed, as disinhibition and danger really don’t mix. It’s probably a good idea, therefore, to serve drinks and food well away from the bonfire.
• Ideally, make one sensible adult responsible for supervising the bonfire. They can keep it stoked up, ensure that it’s not getting out of hand (have some buckets of water nearby just in case), and they can also ensure that it is properly extinguished at the end of the evening – pour water over it, stamp on the embers, then spread sand over them.
• If you hate the whole hullabaloo of Bonfire Night, try to be tolerant. It isn’t against the law to light bonfires in private gardens, or to let off fireworks before midnight. The whole thing might make you feel grouchy, but you may very well not have any legitimate grounds for complaint. So try to resist the urge to protest, recognise that your neighbours are entitled to celebrate and convince yourself that it’s an exceptional circumstance. Early November can feel like a cacophony of deafening explosions (especially as people seem to celebrate for several days before and after the 5th), but it will soon be over.
We all know that compliments oil the wheels of social intercourse – a positive remark about a person’s appearance creates a warm glow that will permeate any interaction. But when did you last give somebody genuine praise?
Praise is different from compliments, because it focuses on behaviour and character traits, rather than on physical traits or specific abilities. If you tell your host that their signature dish was delicious, you’re giving a compliment; if you say “you’re such a good cook”, you’re giving praise. In a work context, if you tell your colleague who was giving an important presentation “you looked really smart”, you’re giving a compliment; if you say “your PowerPoint was really well put together”, you’re giving praise.
It should be obvious to most of us that giving praise where praise is due is an excellent way, especially in the world of work, of ensuring that people are positive and well-motivated. It ensures that they feel noticed and that their efforts are being endorsed. Given the positive benefits, it is surprising how many of us are miserly about giving praise and positive approbation.
Employees who feel that they are labouring away in a back room, unnoticed and unrecognised, are far more likely to quit and move on. If you want to retain valuable employees, or ensure that your team is working well together, remember that giving praise is an excellent way of boosting their commitment.
Think about using the following techniques:
• Focus on individuals
Signal out individuals who have made an outstanding contribution for special praise. While it’s always good to boost a team, generalised praise can feel bland and diffuse, whereas focusing on an individual who has done exceptional work is targeted and effective.
• Praise the unsung heroes
It’s easy to be bewitched by super-confident, articulate team-members, because they always seem to make an impact. But you should remind yourself that much of the most effective hard work may be in the hands of quiet, conscientious, super-efficient employees, who prefer to remain in the background. It’s always a good idea to recognise that they’re indispensable.
• Concentrate on the positive
Don’t get too bogged down in mistakes. Everybody makes errors, and of course these should be noted so that people can learn from their mistakes. But if your tendency is to focus much more on failures than successes, you will rapidly find that you’ve got a thoroughly de-motivated team on your hands. Try and offset criticisms with praise, and don’t dwell on the negatives.
• Try and be specific
A throwaway and generic “well done everyone” is easily forgettable. But if you focus in on one particular thing – “I thought the way you used the data and graphics in the presentation to make the argument was really persuasive”, it will be memorable.
• Pass praise on
If you’re dealing with a client or a member of the public who makes positive remarks about one of your employees or colleagues, be sure to tell them straight away, and always add your own endorsement. Praise should always be disseminated, not hoarded.
• Give credit where credit is due
All too often, an overworked or distracted manager or team leader ascribes success to the wrong person or overlooks the hours of background work that has gone into a brilliant presentation, sales pitch or client meeting. The person who fronts up a project, handles the presentation or interfaces with the client is often the recipient of all the praise, whereas their job would have been impossible without the support and hard work of colleagues. It is very important for managers and team leaders to be observant and pay attention, and to ensure that they understand exactly how the workload has been distributed amongst colleagues. If you find yourself the recipient of praise and feel that it would be better directed, or shared, elsewhere, it is always a good idea to point this out – hogging the limelight is never attractive and colleagues may be understandably resentful if they feel you’re elbowing them out.
• Never damn with faint praise
You should always give wholehearted praise, and if you really don’t feel that the situation warrants it, don’t give it. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of a loaded comment like, “I’m quite surprised you managed to put a report together, considering you know so little about the topic.” If you give praise grudgingly, it will come across as a stifled criticism, and this kind of passive aggression has no role in the workplace.
There has been much talk in the media about the ways in which people in Britain still feel discriminated against because of their regional accent. There is a huge diversity of regional accents in Britain, which bring colour and personality to the language, and this should be celebrated not denigrated. There are no good or bad accents – verbal communication is about clear diction, not pronunciation. It goes without saying that commenting adversely on a person’s pronunciation or indicating that it is not ‘correct’ is the height of bad manners.
Many of these problems stem from the notion of ‘received pronunciation’, a phrase that was first coined in the 1869. It is also known as the ‘Queen’s English’ or ‘Oxford English’. Received pronunciation is an accent, not a dialect; its speakers use Standard English, avoiding non-standard constructions and local vocabulary. It is therefore impossible to detect the geographical origins of RP-speakers. It is estimated that only 3 per cent of English-speakers in the UK use Received Pronunciation.
Received Pronunciation originated in the public schools and universities during the 19th century, which were populated by members of the ruling elite. Their speech patterns – based on a geographical nexus that embraced London, Oxford and Cambridge – came to be associated with the middle-class Establishment.
In 1922 the BBC selected Received Pronunciation as a broadcasting standard (it is also called BBC English), believing that this standard pronunciation would be widely understood throughout the UK and overseas. However, RP represented only a very small social minority, and this decision effectively excluded regional accents from the airwaves, probably contributing to negative perceptions of regional accents.
For much of the 20th century Received Pronunciation represented the voice of education, authority and power. For this reason, people who sought social advancement often felt it was necessary to modify their accent, thereby disguising their regional roots. This has changed in recent years, and a vast range of accents are represented in all walks of life – from media, sport, the arts to the traditional strongholds of RP such as politics, the City and academia.
Old habits die hard, however, and recent research would seem to indicate that there is still discrimination against regional accents. Because of the traditional associations of RP with the corridors of power, it would appear that some diehards feel that it is permissible to patronise people who do not speak Standard English, or even feel it is legitimate to offer advice on ‘correct’ pronunciation.
The only time it is ever acceptable to correct someone’s pronunciation is if they mispronounce your name, in which case it is fine to gently repeat it with the correct pronunciation – perhaps with an acknowledgment if it happens to be unusual or difficult to get right.
The new academic year is usually an exciting time for everybody; there is a sense of novelty for pupils who have just started at school, and even for those who are coming back, there’s the feeling of a fresh start, a chance to get together with old friends, as well as some unfamiliar faces and intriguing possibilities. Initially at least, it is a largely positive time, suffused with a sense of optimism about all the wonderful opportunities that might lie ahead. However, this is not always the case…
Hot on the heels of our advice about how navigate parents’ evenings at school, we received a question from a parent who wanted to know how to deal with ‘unsatisfactory teacher experience’. Her situation is not an uncommon one; her son complains he is not learning anything from the new teacher, and he feels that the other groups are doing better work. From the parent’s point of view, there are several factors to consider.
Whilst there is often consensus amongst students as to which teachers are ‘good’ and which are deemed less so, the experience that a student has of an individual teacher is deeply personal and can vary hugely from subject to subject and student to student. A teacher recruitment advertisement in the late 1990s in the UK ran with the strap line, ‘you always remember a good teacher’. For many of us it prompted a nostalgic conversation about our own teachers and the impact that some made on our lives, none more movingly than former Arsenal Striker turned TV presenter Ian Wright’s tribute to his teacher and mentor Sydney Pigden.
Not many of us have had Ian Wright’s experience but we can all concede that a good teacher is the teacher that engages us in their subject, perhaps when we thought that was an impossible goal, and helps us to achieve and often surpass our expectations and those of others.
Ask your child to try to be specific about what it is that isn’t working and what, if anything, they have done to let the teacher know.
It is quite possible that your child enjoyed a great relationship with his/her previous teacher and has been slightly wrong footed by a new approach. The first few weeks of term are all about pupils and teachers getting to know each other and a quiet word at a parents’ evening or a quick email just to ask how the teacher thinks your child is doing as they are feeling a little unsettled, might be a good place to start.
Sometimes, whether they liked a teacher or not, when they move on children can be disorientated by having to get to know a new teacher and feel frustrated by the prospect of building a new relationship. The older the students and the longer their experience with the former teacher, the more difficult it is for them to adapt.
Although there is much in place nowadays in terms of rigorous teacher training and ‘best practice guidelines’, teachers are very different, and each one has their own areas of specialism and preferred teaching style, which will naturally develop the more experienced the teacher becomes. Some teachers are brilliant when it comes to their subject knowledge but perhaps less adept at delivering that to the students, whereas others may not be quite so expert, but work extremely hard to ensure that all children can access the subject.
It is not always easy when you first arrive at a school as a member of staff to get a feel for the culture of the school. This can be especially difficult when you’re faced with a class of students who are eager to learn, as students, particularly more academically able students, can find it challenging to admit in front of their peers that they don’t understand something. Teachers should not expect to be their students’ friend, but they do have a duty of care to ensure that every child in their class makes progress.
Bearing all this in mind and given that the new school year is still relatively young, it is a good idea to start with a gentle word/email of enquiry. This will be particularly effective if you explain that you want to support your child, who is motivated to do well but is feeling a bit unsettled. This might prompt a discussion and a rethink in terms of teaching approach. Always start with a positive – mention how much your child enjoys this subject, but then note that he/she has become a little disheartened… is this something that the teacher has noticed too? Is there something that can be done to get them back on track? A positive, collaborative approach is usually the most productive.
Even if others in the class feel the same, only focus on your child, don’t be tempted to cite any other child’s experience to reinforce your position as this will tend to put the teacher/school on the defensive. If other parents also feel strongly about the teacher, tell them to do what you are doing.
It is always possible that you are dealing with a worst-case scenario – this really is a bad experience and your child is not making the progress that they should. If this is the case, you should be aware that there will be a chain of command in place, and the teacher will have a Head of Department who is responsible for the performance management of the staff and ensuring that all pupils are making the progress that they should. If you have tried the conciliatory and supportive approach in the first instance, and the evidence is there to show that progress is not being made, you will have to escalate your complaint and take it up the chain of command. It is not unreasonable to expect the school to put strategies in place to support your child and, for that matter, the teacher.
Those of us who have risen to the Sober October challenge, and have eschewed alcohol for a month in order to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support, may well be breathing a sigh of relief as November dawns… Christmas is now looming, and the period of winter sociability is beckoning. With Christmas entertaining and celebrations in mind, we’ve been taking a look at the contents of our drinks cabinets.
Spirits and cocktails are increasingly fashionable and if you aspire to a respectable drinks cabinet, you should certainly equip yourself with a range of spirits, and the means to offer both aperitifs and digestifs to your guests. You might feel that you should dispense with the more extreme versions of cocktail-making (replete with umbrellas, sparklers and fruit salads), and leave the theatrical concoctions and dramatic cocktail-shaking to the professionals. But you should certainly be able to offer your guests a timeless classic, such as gin and tonic.
Many spirits come laden with the dogma of expertise; pour a blended whisky on the rocks for an aficionado and await their withering censure. True whisky connoisseurs are safest spending more than less – being forced to settle for no-frill cheap brands is considered as distasteful as swigging out of a bottle.
To some extent, the traditional rules around serving spirits have been diluted by fashion, so take them or leave them. But remind yourself that, traditionally, whisky should be served in a heavy-bottomed tumbler with an accompanying small jug of still, room temperature water. It should be sipped languorously. Water allows the nuances of the flavours to open up, so chilling it with ice prevents the aromas from unfolding. Honour the quality of the bottle; save the very best for those who will appreciate the rare offering.
Ouzo, absinthe and pastis should also be served with water (and ice to taste). Keep vodka in the freezer. Cognoscenti believe that ice should be made with distilled water, as there will be no impurities causing cloudiness. However, it will make no difference to the taste.
Beyond mere drunkenness, some spirits have secondary effects – good and bad. Tequila is an upper, absinthe a mind-opener, not least because it’s high in proof; to some it’s the green fairy, to others green poison), and gin a depressant (take heed if you are prone to getting maudlin when you drink).
Aperitifs, or before-dinner drinks, should both stimulate the appetite and awaken the palate, as well as, critically, aid sociability. You should not, therefore, serve overly sweet, fruity or complex aperitifs before dinner. A White Russian, for example, (vodka, coffee liqueur and cream) will summon disapproving sighs; an aperitif should not be permitted to suppress hunger or numb taste buds. If in doubt, you can always opt for a non-spirits-based aperitif such as sherry or vermouth.
The rule for serving aperitifs is generally to opt for clear spirits over dark ones. You will never go wrong with a stylish dry martini (gin and vermouth garnished with an olive or lemon peel), though beware, it contains no mixers, and is therefore very potent. If you’re stuck in a mind-blank panic, stick to a classic such as gin and tonic. Gin has become a connoisseur’s drink in recent years, and hundreds of local distillers are turning out exotic blends, which use fragrant spices and fresh citrus fruits as well as the traditional juniper. Follow manufacturer’s recommendations and choose a tonic water that complements the specific blend.
Digestifs (after-dinner drinks) may not do much to aid digestion, but they are undoubtedly effective nightcaps. They are usually more alcoholic than an aperitif (and usually served neat): safe options include darker spirits such as brandy, cognac, Armagnac and whisky. Brandy is a distilled spirit made from fermented fruit juice; it can be made using grapes or fruit (Calvados, for example, is made from fermented apples). Cognac, on the other hand, is made from white grapes from a specific wine-producing region in southwestern France. Cognac is distilled twice, whereas Armagnac – which comes from the Gascony region of southwestern France – is distilled once. Whatever its provenance, serve brandy or cognac in bulbous brand balloons that can be cradled in the palms to warm the spirit, intensifying the dark bouquet and enhancing the flavour.
A household drinks cabinet should include a selection of glasses (Martini, highballs, tumblers, balloons) and basic cocktail making equipment (muddler, shaker, strainer). Stockpile all-purpose spirits (vodka, gin, Cointreau, bourbon, rum, whisky). Ensure that you have plentiful supplies of lemons and limes. You will also need Angostura Bitters (an aromatic blend of herbs and spices from the Caribbean that is an essential ingredient in pink gin and greatly enhances a classic Mojito) and Crème de Cassis, a blackcurrant liqueur that is essential for making Kir Royale, a champagne cocktail. Include a standard array of mixers (ginger ale, cranberry juice, orange juice, tonic water, soda water) and you’re ready to start serving.
“I think the greatest sound in the world is the human voice” Miles Davis
In the early years of this century voicemail was rejected by the younger generation of mobile users in favour of texts. For some years, texts seemed to rule the world, a universally popular way of communicating. But in 2013 WhatsApp introduced the voice note, which allowed users to send a short, recorded message; other apps followed suit and the landscape was once again transformed. WhatsApp reports that around seven billion voice notes are now sent per day worldwide.
Yet voice notes are not universally popular, and for many people the jury is still out. A YouGov poll in June 2022 reported that 22 per cent of respondents with smartphones liked receiving voice notes, and 25 per cent of respondents disliked doing so. The whole topic is clearly very divisive, and these are just some of the arguments:
Voice notes are extremely convenient. You can send them while you’re doing something else – for example cooking, driving or walking. You don’t have to down tools and focus on your phone.
Voice notes are better for sensitive topics, because the modulations of the human voice communicate a subtle range of emotions that simply cannot be conveyed in a short text. We all know how attuned we are to the human voice and how quickly we can pick up signs that all is not well or detect when someone is not being wholly honest. Cancelling a date with a ‘something’s come up’ text is bland and uninformative. Leaving a voice note will speak volumes about whether you’re genuinely harassed and regretful, or just making up excuses.
Voice notes are a way of bypassing the exhausting etiquette of text messages, where you’re having to second-guess and interpret gnomic utterances such as ‘ok’ or decide whether emojis are sarcastic or ironic.
Voice notes are essentially monologues, so they give you a chance to speak, uninterrupted, without fear of being cut off or talked over.
A voice note might be convenient for the sender, but it may not be ideal for the recipient. Listening to a voice note requires a certain amount of disruption – you may have to stop what you’re doing, find a quiet place, or dig out your headphones or earbuds.
It’s difficult to multitask where voice notes are concerned – with an incoming text you can glance at it, and even briefly reply, when you’re working on your laptop, in a video call, watching tv (though this is not recommended when you’re eating, talking with friends or driving). Voice notes require focus.
The tone of the human voice speaks volumes, but you may prefer conversation to monologue. Some people really don’t like feeling they’re being talked at – they would rather receive a short text asking if it is convenient to take a call.
Some people find it hard to leave voice notes. They find it very difficult to ad lib without any feedback and run out of steam. They miss vocal cues and responses, even if it is someone mumbling vague noises of assent down the line.
Wherever you stand in the debate, it’s important to observe good voice note etiquette:
• It’s always thoughtful to fit the medium of communication to the recipient. Older people might have only just mastered the art of texting and find voice notes altogether too much. Only send them to people who are likely to listen to them and take them in their stride – it might be a good idea to check first.
• Don’t send long rambling messages; try to keep your recording under two minutes, otherwise your weary listeners will be forced to speed up the recording. Think about what you’re going to say before you press ‘record’ and stick to your subject.
• Don’t test your listener’s patience with long pauses, repetitions, ums and ers, and fillers (eg the repetitive use of the word ‘like’).
• If you are sending a recording to convey specific information or to ask a question, get to the point straight away. Don’t bury the point of your message at the end of your recording – a frustrated or interrupted listener might not make it to the end.
• Don’t send ridiculously short voice notes, such as ‘I agree’ or ‘yes, that’s fine with me’. If your message is under five words long, you should certainly send a text.
• Make sure your recording is audible – don’t send voice notes in crowded rooms, at noisy stations or when you’re walking along a busy road with huge buses and lorries thundering past. Remember, there’s nothing more frustrating than a barely audible recording.
• Don’t convey important news, for example announcing that you’re getting married or having a baby, by voice note. You want to give the recipient of the news the chance to react and celebrate with you and sending a voice note will deprive them of that pleasure.
• Voice notes are great for spontaneity – the minute a thought pops into your head you can just press record. But it’s a good idea to pause first: don’t send voice notes in the middle of the night, when notifications might rouse people, and avoid sending voice notes when you’re drunk.
• When it comes to playing back voice notes keep the volume down if you’re in a crowded space, or preferably use headphones – you never know just how private the message will be.
• Don’t use voice notes for practical information: instructions, directions, dates, telephone numbers, addresses. Recipients will be really irritated if you do, as accessing the information is needlessly difficult.
• Don’t send work-related voice notes – in a professional capacity it is always preferable to use written communication, so there’s a tangible ‘evidence trail’ in case problems or queries arise.
As the seasons turn, we celebrate annual rituals. Supermarkets are overflowing with pumpkins, ghoulish decorations, themed sweets and children’s costumes. It must be Halloween…
It is thought that Halloween may have its roots in the Celtic feast of Samhain, which took place in the autumn. Once the summer harvest was complete, the long, dark nights of winter beckoned, when it was believed that the veil between the living and the dead was lifted, and ghosts wandered the earth. The day was marked with bonfires, feasting and ‘guising’ – the wearing of costumes, possibly animal heads and skins. Historians speculate that these ancient traditions were assimilated, probably in 9th-century Scotland, into the Christian festivals of All Saints and All Souls. These ‘holy days’, which took place on the 1 and 2 November, paid reverence to saints and martyrs and honoured the dead. Halloween, or ‘All Hallows’ Eve’, was the night before All Saints’ Day (‘hallow’ means ‘saint’), the 31 October. The ancient pagan rituals survived, and the Halloween festival continued to be celebrated in Scotland and Ireland.
In due course, Halloween customs were transported by immigrants to North America. These sombre origins were transformed in the US in the 20th century, when Halloween became an enjoyable chance to dress up in spooky costumes, decorate the house and go trick or treating. This version of Halloween eventually spread to the UK, where it has been enthusiastically embraced – this year, Halloween spending is estimated to reach £687 million.
Children love Halloween. It is a chance to unleash their creativity, to devise crazy costumes and what’s more to parade around the neighbourhood in them, to the general approbation of adults. Collecting a generous booty of sweets and treats from the neighbours is an added bonus.
Halloween dares children to flirt with scary experiences in the context of play, and in a safe space. It’s a good way for them to push their boundaries and explore what frightens them in a light-hearted atmosphere – brushing up against dangling spiders and festooned cobwebs or being confronted by a bowl of squishy eyeballs is all part of the fun and helps build their resilience.
“Trick or treat?” should be an ice-breaking formula, not a real threat. Children who are confronted by unwelcoming householders should be advised to beat a hasty retreat. Very young children will need to be accompanied by adults or older siblings when out trick or treating. In safe, confined neighbourhoods slightly older children may be safe enough paying Halloween visits on their own (or observed at a safe distance by anxious parents).
Undoubtedly, there are many people who have no wish to participate in these Halloween antics, and it is important that their wishes should be respected. So, if you are planning Halloween celebrations, pay careful attention to your own etiquette and take the time to ensure that children also understand how to behave:
• You will of course explain to your children that they must only visit houses where lights are on, and preferably where a jack o’lantern is on prominent display.
• Explain that they should only ring the doorbell once – a repeatedly-ringing bell is the curse of many a Halloween.
• Children should be reminded that they should stick to garden paths – no trampling across flowerbeds and lawns to reach the front door.
• Tell your child to only take one sweet from any proffered bowls when they’re out trick or treating. The probability is that they will be encouraged to take more, but it’s polite to start modestly.
• If children don’t like the look of the sweets on offer, tell them they must not turn up their noses at them – it’s more polite to take a sweet anyway.
• Impress upon your child that it’s rude for them to riffle through the bowl looking for a favourite sweet. Explain that they should just take the first sweet that comes to hand.
• Most importantly of all, remind your children that they should say a clear and audible thank you to every householder who gives them sweets.
• If you are out trick or treating with children in your own neighbourhood, remember that it’s their special night, so don’t spend interminable (to small children) amounts of time chatting to neighbours on doorsteps.
• If you’re willingly on the receiving end of Halloween visitors, make it obvious that you’re happy to see them – turn on lights, open curtains, put out your lit pumpkins. Ensure that your path is free of obstructions and trip hazards. If you’ve got dogs, keep them behind closed doors; small children might be genuinely scared by an over-enthusiastic and noisy pet.
• Equip yourself with a bowl of shop-bought treats. Home-made sweets would undoubtedly be more delicious, but parents will discourage children from taking unwrapped treats because they don’t know what they contain.
• Greet your visitors with enthusiasm and admiration, no matter how peculiar they look. Never ask them what they are – small children will be crushed by your inability to see the (to them) blindingly obvious.
• It’s best not to leave out unsupervised bowls of treats. No child will be able to resist scooping up the lion’s share at the beginning of the night, which will leave lots of disappointed visitors.
• If you don’t want any part of the festivities, turn out your lights, or go out for the evening. If you are driving on Halloween, be extra cautious – there will be gaggles of over-excited ghosts, vampires, witches and zombies threading their way through the neighbourhood and they may not be watching out for cars.
Main image: Abbotsford House, Scottish Borders
We are all aware of Britain’s rich heritage of historic houses, castles and gardens, and many of us enjoy visiting stately homes that have been preserved for the nation, which welcome large numbers of visitors and offer a carefully curated and informative experience.
Debrett's has partnered with Historic Houses, the country’s largest collection of independent historic houses, castles and gardens. These are properties that may be owned by individuals and families, whose ownership of the property stretches back for centuries, or by charitable trusts, businesses and institutions. Historic Houses is a cooperative association that represents, advises and supports owners so that they can make their properties accessible to the general public. Sharing their own history allows them to invest in the future of their houses, safeguarding our heritage for generations to come. Hundreds of Historic Houses member places open as tourist attractions, and most of those offer free admission to Historic Houses members.
But now imagine the thrill of delving deeper into our past and gaining access to hundreds more privately owned houses that only admit visitors on rare occasions, for very special owner-guided tours. That’s one of the extra treats awaiting those who explore Historic Houses' 'Invitation to View' offering.
Private owners are the custodians of their own legacy; by inviting members of the public into their homes they are greatly enriching Britain’s historic and cultural landscape, and anyone who joins their tours should be appreciative of the access they are being offered. It is imperative, therefore, that visitors to historic houses are polite and considerate, ready to listen and learn, and appreciative of the insights they have gained on their visit.
Most historic houses are not set up to welcome younger children (under the age of fourteen), because they are often packed with fragile contents. If you do want to bring younger children, you will need to check with the owner in advance and see if they are able to accommodate you – don’t just turn up on the day with small children in tow.
Hosts will be very happy to try and accommodate any dietary or access requirements you may have but will only be able to do so if you give them plenty of advance warning. Many private houses are not easy to get around for those who have trouble with stairs, or walking or standing for long periods, and teas cannot always be laid on that cater for all possible allergies, intolerances, or religious prohibitions, so if you are affected by any of those things, seek advice about whether or not you’ll get the best out of a tour before booking.
It would be rude to keep a house-owner, and other visitors, waiting, so make sure you’re not late. However, you should also ensure you don’t arrive too early, because the owners may well be preparing for your visit and it can be awkward to put away lawn mowers or tidy up children’s rooms when guests have already arrived and are waiting in the garden. There is an ideal arrival window of somewhere between fifteen and five minutes before the advertised start time.
You really don’t need to bring large bags with you – many houses won’t have the facilities to store them while you’re on your tour. Avoid carrying rucksacks, which can be very hazardous in confined spaces. It’s easy to forget that you’ve got a bulky object on your back, and many a precious vase has been smashed by someone wearing a rucksack turning around in a tight space….
Nobody will be dressed up for the tour, so choose clothes that are warm (you may well be looking at the garden) and comfortable. Under no circumstances should you wear stiletto heels, which can wreak terrible damage on wooden floors and other fragile surfaces. You will be doing a lot of standing, so it is sensible to wear flat, comfortable shoes.
These tours offer the great privilege of giving you access to someone’s home. You will be taken into essentially private spaces, and you must respect that this is an act of trust. It would be entirely inappropriate to open closed cupboards or pick up personal items. The owners will certainly appreciate your interest and curiosity, but they do not want to feel that strangers are prying into their private lives.
Questions are always welcomed. You may have thought of some before your visit, based on your knowledge of the house, family, or area, or they may occur to you as you go round. They’re a chance to learn, and to help the group learn. Asking genuine questions is a great way of showing your host your interest and appreciation and may even entice them to share further stories or spaces.
We are all compulsive photographers nowadays, ever ready to take pictures on our phones and post them on our social media accounts. But when you are visiting someone’s home, it is imperative that you ask the permission of the owner and check specifically that they are comfortable with photographs being shared. There have been cases in which photos posted online have revealed key pieces of information about security, helping burglars to raid houses and take valuable historic artefacts.
Most tours end with tea and cake or even a light meal. This is an excellent opportunity to talk further with your host, and with other tour guests. You’re likely to have a lot in common with other people who enjoy these tours, and it’s a great way to meet new, like-minded people. So, rather than hunkering down at the corner table, be friendly and open and show that you are willing to chat.
It is only polite to take a few moments to say thank you to your host for the time they have given you and the insights they have shared.
At a time when violent disagreements and unseemly spats are part of our daily news diet, when social media is awash with dissent and recriminations and pitched battles between so-called colleagues appear to have become the norm, we have been contemplating the elusive goals of conformity and consensus.
We have turned to ‘How to Behave’ (1856), a comprehensive guide to etiquette and manners by Samuel Roberts Wells, and note that it speaks, in its customary magisterial tones, on the subject as follows:
“Conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the rights of others and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you cannot sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong, but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.”
Mr Wells rightly recognises that, even if agreement in a group or professional body is partial or not truly heartfelt, it behoves you – especially in a public position where your behaviour is open to scrutiny – to conform to the general view. Open dissent will detract from fragile consensus; discussion, disagreement and persuasion, which can be both challenging and constructive, should never be allowed to publicly undermine the appearance of accord.
“You may choose your company, but having chosen it, you must conform to its rules till you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must ‘do as the Romans do’.”
You are entitled to choose your own alliances and associations, both social and professional, but once you have done so you should adhere loyally to their prevailing beliefs.
“We are sovereign individuals and are born with certain ‘inalienable rights’; but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights cannot conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed.”
Our individual goals, aspirations and ambitions may conflict with any group enterprise in which we have chosen to participate. We should be aware that asserting our refusal to conform with a consensus may well exclude us from a position where we have the power to influence it.
These general principles should be borne in mind in any situation where you are seeking consensus or competent and harmonious decision-making. In the professional context, effective teams strive for consensus in the following ways:
A forum is created in which each person in the team is given the opportunity to make suggestions or float ideas in a group discussion. It is essential at this point that everybody gets a fair hearing and that ideas are not shot down, dismissed or derided.
Once the ideas are all on the table, the group can jointly review them, ask for further explanation, maybe consider combining similar ideas, and work together to effectively prioritise them according to their effectiveness.
The team is given the opportunity to cast their votes for the ideas that have been tabled. In successive rounds ideas that receive less than half the votes are eliminated, until a final vote can be held on three to five items.
If the team is divided down the middle and no clear option has emerged, this is the time for a further discussion, and at this point – if you are the stand-out who refuses to conform with the rest of the group, you will need to think about the wise words of Mr Wells and decide whether you are prepared, for the sake of resolution and harmony, to compromise.
Remember that, if you can make significant compromises to achieve consensus, there will be many benefits. The decisions that the team makes will have taken into account all the different perspectives of the team. By collaborating to reach a decision, the individual members of the team are more likely to feel well-disposed towards their colleagues, and less likely to experience feelings of rivalry or resentment, which often come from being overlooked or ignored. Eliminating disgruntled losers and ensuring that everyone is invested in the decisions made ensures that any agreed next steps are more likely to be implemented effectively.
Many parents greet the ritual of the parent-teacher evening with a mixture of dread and anticipation. It may well be a bit of a maelstrom and you may feel that time is too short or massively curtailed, but at least you will have an opportunity to discuss your child’s progress and get to know teaching staff a bit better.
Given the time pressures, you will need to maximise the value of your 10–15-minute slot. This means asking sensible questions, listening carefully to what the teacher has to say, and avoiding getting side-tracked into fascinating, but irrelevant, conversational cul-de-sacs. You should also see parents’ evenings as another opportunity to meet and get to know fellow parents, which will be beneficial to your child’s social life. It is very important that you observe the social niceties, and don’t get incensed by teachers over-running or bad queuing etiquette. You don’t want to get a reputation as the stroppy parent who always makes a scene on these occasions.
We’ve put together some advice for navigating these important occasions:
You will need to follow the school’s advice and guidance on this. Many primary schools prefer to see parents alone, and if you have to bring your child along, they may well be able to play with their classmates while you chat. Some secondary schools encourage parents to bring their children, as they feel that participating in the conference encourages them to take responsibility for their own educational progress and priority-setting.
These events, especially in secondary schools, are highly orchestrated and their success is completely dependent on parents cooperating and following guidelines. While at primary school, you will only need to attend one meeting with your child’s class teacher, at secondary school you may have a long list of teachers to see, especially if your child is doing GCSEs. You will be able to book slots ahead and it is very important that you try to stick to them, and don’t encourage the teacher to overrun their allotted time slot when they’re seeing you. Once the booking system gets out of kilter, there will be all sorts of knock-on effects, and the whole event will become stressful.
Inevitably, there will be timetabling glitches, even in the best-run events and you will need to keep calm and flexible. If you arrive late at your meeting, through no fault of your own, barging up to the teacher and demanding that you be seen immediately, even if other parents are already in consultation, is unacceptable. You will have to sit it out, wait patiently; if there are two of you, you might need to split up to maintain your evening’s timetable. It’s very frustrating but shouting at teachers or berating other parents is counter-productive and may cause your child acute embarrassment.
Once you are seated opposite the teacher, you may feel that you have been given a carte blanche to discuss your favourite subject, your child. But you are at the school to discuss educational and social progress, not to indulge in meandering digressions your child’s eating, sleeping or tv habits. You might find this kind of discussion endlessly fascinating, but the teacher will be champing at the bit, anxious to get on to the evening’s main business.
Some parents find it helpful to jot down questions before the parents' evening, which will help ensure they remain focussed. Try to avoid asking general, open questions of the “how is Jamie getting on?” variety. Instead, keep the conversation focused by asking questions like “is Jamie on target/meeting expectations/working at above or below average?” If you have specific concerns (reading ability, focus in class etc), now is the time to raise them. It is also a good idea to ask about your child’s learning behaviour: does he/she participate fully in class discussions, appear engaged and interested? or, is he or she non-engaged, fidgety and distracted? If the latter is the case, ask the teachers about ways this can be addressed.
Here are some useful questions:
Is my child progressing in line with the school’s expectations?
What can he or she do to improve?
Is there anything he or she does particularly well or badly?
How much time should homework take?
Does he or she contribute in lessons?
How does my child get along with classmates?
What can I do to help?
We are all prone to judging our own children in relation to their contemporaries. It is very common for parents to ask how their child is doing compared to other classmates, in effect to ask for their class ranking. Teachers will not engage in this kind of discussion, so don’t waste their time.
Now is a good time – especially if your child has just started school or is in primary school – to check that they have settled in, are behaving well, making friends, socialising successfully. It can be very hard to get reliable answers to these questions from the child and you need to be observant about their social progress so that any problems can be nipped in the bud.
Teachers move in a world that is full of acronyms, mysterious grading systems and jargon-filled discourse. You are not an educational expert and may feel baffled and alienated by some of the terminology the teacher uses. If that is the case, just ask for an explanation. You are not expected to know these things, and teachers can easily get carried away and forget that you are very unlikely to do so.
‘Helicopter’ parents, who anxiously supervise every aspect of their child’s school life, or ‘tiger’ parents, who are fiercely ambitious for their children, can be the bane of teachers’ lives. Instead of arriving at the consultation with an open mind, they turn up with an agenda, make tyrannical demands, take copious notes. They lay down the law, rather than listening carefully and sensitively to what they are being told, and teachers feel patronised and disrespected.
If you know that your child is enjoying school, or is stimulated by a certain teacher’s lessons, take the trouble to say so. Parent-teachers’ evenings are exhausting for teachers, who will feel dispirited by a ceaseless barrage of questions and demands. Teachers are only human; they appreciate positive approbation.
If you have criticisms of the school, the teaching, negative feedback about the classroom dynamic, the workload etc., this is not really the forum for a full discussion. You can certainly indicate that you are dissatisfied or concerned, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule a meeting at another time to discuss these issues. Whatever you do, don’t manifest any aggression towards the teacher in question – you will be labelled as a troublemaker, and the teacher will become defensive and uncommunicative. Approach all problems with an “I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can work it out” mentality.
Inevitably you will find yourself sitting next to other parents as you wait for your consultation sessions. Now is the time to be sociable and friendly. Chat with other parents but keep it light – don’t immediately dive into in-depth criticisms of the school or the teachers (which other parents may find alienating). Try and avoid talking about your children’s progress; if you start swapping notes with other parents, you could fall into the boasting trap, or needlessly feed your own insecurities about your child’s progress. Be discreet and save these questions for the teacher.
