The first day at school is a milestone both for your child, and yourself. Many parents are filled with mixed emotions, proud of their child’s independence, but sad to see them taking their first steps away.
Returning to an empty house after dropping off your child at school for the first time can be a depressing moment, so if you're not rushing into work, make sure that you’ve got plenty to keep you busy. You could arrange to exploit the free time and meet a friend for coffee or lunch, or spend more quality time with a younger pre-school child. You will soon be meeting other parents at the school gate, and a whole new life will be opening up for you, so don’t despair.
However anxious or distressed you may feel, remember to stay polite and positive when you drop off your child. If you’re friendly to the class teacher and other parents, you will be laying down good foundations for your child’s time at school. It’s easy to become so preoccupied with your own child that you sweep aside other parents and their concerns. You certainly don’t want to come across as a neurotic, over-demanding trouble-maker – while teachers are well trained and experienced enough to deal with this, other parents may recoil, and this could have an impact on your child’s social life.
Ease your child into the school habit by following this advice:
• Both children and parents will be understandably nervous. Help your child out by concealing any heightened emotions; they’ll cope much better if you’re taking the whole thing in your stride, and not over-emoting extravagantly.
• Talk about starting school well before the actual date; show your child where it is, involve them in buying the uniform and equipment. You could even do a trial school run, so they’re familiar with the route and location.
• It can help if you read stories about starting school in the run-up to the first day, or talk about your own schooldays in a positive way. This will help the child to understand that going to school is something that everyone goes through, an inevitable part of growing up.
• Over the summer holidays practise putting the uniform on; get your child used to any fastenings, velcro, zips and so on, and they won’t be panicked when they need to use the loo or change into PE kit.
• While it is important to talk positively about school, don’t turn into a compulsive cheerleader – your child will pick up on your underlying anxiety. You will need to acknowledge that they might feel tired or overwhelmed and you should explain (more than once) that the teacher is there to listen and to help.
• Explain that each child has a designated peg (it helps if they can recognise their own name when it is written down and read the label), and practise hanging up coats and putting shoes on or taking them off. Gently point out that your child must look after their own clothes and belongings – if you’re lucky you might be able to give them a sense of responsibility for their possessions, which will pre-empt countless visits to the lost property box.
• Try and instil positive feelings in your child about the first day; remark on how smart they look in the new school uniform, hand out a brand new pencil case or lunch box to mark the day, take a photograph as they set out to school.
• Follow the school’s guidance on saying goodbye; generally, it’s best to make it short and sweet. If you start emoting over your child it will inevitably cause upset, so keep it brisk, positive and cheerful.
• Be ready and waiting to pick up your child after school. Make sure that they’ve coped with the new environment – check that they managed to find the loos, negotiated the lunch queue etc. Any practical teething problems can be ironed out immediately. Don’t bombard your child with questions straight away – the first day at school is always exhausting, and you can subtly extract information over the course of the evening.
• Never dismiss your child’s anxieties. Problems that seem trivial to you may appear to be insuperable to an anxious five-year-old.
• Sometimes you have to leave a screaming child in the capable hands of the reception teacher – it’s obviously extremely distressing for you, but most children do not cry for long after their parents have left. If the school is cooperative, you can always ring up the office later in the morning to check how it’s gone.
• If your child doesn’t want to go to school, or complains of a tummy ache, don’t panic – you will need to find out why, as gently as possible. Bear in mind that children will often make extremely dramatic statements: “Everybody hates me”, “Nobody will play with me”, which are usually not true. The first course of action is to discuss the issue with the class teacher – you will find it reassuring, and staff at school, who are well used to these problems, will pay your child a little more attention at break and lunch time.
• It’s easy to get into a state about how your child is faring in the school playground, and most of us have conjured images of a lonely figure on the sidelines while everybody else plays happily together. This is the stuff of nightmares, not reality – schools are extremely proactive when it comes to ensuring that children are socialising and playing together.
Image: 'The Plumb-pudding in Danger' by James Gillray, depicting British Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger and Emperor Napoleon of France
In an era of political upheaval, we find ourselves forced to witness a daily drama where questions of loyalty, probity, trust, populism, integrity and wisdom are played out on the political stage.
We have decided to take a leaf rom the book of Rev Dr John Trusler, who speculates on all these questions in his A System of Etiquette (1805), which is so much more than a mere guide to etiquette and manners, providing a detailed speculation on how to behave in all walks of life. He turns to Advice to a Son by Sir Francis Osborne, a statesman under Charles I, in providing his invaluable guidance.
Dr Trusler sees public life as an arena in which a gentleman can display upstanding values, such as loyalty and integrity. He execrates broken promises, and believes that a gentleman’s word is his bond and his good reputation is priceless. However, his elevated sense of morality does not prevent him from being very cautious about the notions of friendship and trust, and he firmly believes that to be over-confiding or foolishly credulous is very hazardous. It is, in his view, safer to look at friendships with a cynical eye and to operate with the utmost discretion. Finally, he strongly exhorts his readers to ‘call wisdom to the helm’ when they find that their own errors have trapped them – they should never let their resistance to admitting they were wrong lead them towards disaster.
“Promise cautiously, but keep it inviolably. Make not your promises too cheap, nor promise to the full extent of desire, lest tiring in performance or becoming a bankrupt in power, you forfeit repute and purchase certain enemies for uncertain friends.”
It is all too easy to promise the earth, on the lazy assumption that – further down the line – promises can be forgotten and broken, and you will not be held to account. This is very rarely the case, especially in public life, and leaving a trail of broken promises will ultimately harm your reputation, ensuring that people see you as unreliable and untrustworthy.
“It is easy to keep an enemy at arm’s length, the difficulty is how to guard against a friend. This is done by communicating no more to him than discretion or necessity shall warrant you to reveal. Trust a friend therefore no further than the line of reciprocal interest doth extend.”
Close friendship can easily lead to a tendency to trust too much and to confide more than you should – these acts of trust may come back to bite you, especially if it is in your friend’s best interests to betray you. You are much more likely to behave with discretion and caution if you are surrounded by people who clearly prioritising their own interests.
“Do not imagine those more capable of trust, whom you have formerly obliged. Charity seldom goes to the gate but it meets with ingratitude. Those proving for the most part the greatest enemies, that have been bought at the dearest rates of friendship…”
Favours given are frequently believed to create reciprocal bonds of gratitude and obligation, but it is a mistake to believe that these acts of charity will ultimately be paid with interest. In many cases, the feeling of indebtedness that benevolence engenders can create feelings of enmity.
“Covet not fame, for experience has taught us that she carries a trumpet which gathers round her generally more enemies than friends. Let your conscience be your sole applauder; popularity is but a public breath, and like air rushes most forcibly into a vacuum – wise men slight it.”
Seeking fame and celebrity at any cost is a dangerous game, which is likely to win you enemies. It is therefore advisable not to make popularity your main goal, but instead to focus on doing the best job you can, while remaining firmly constrained by your own conscience.
“Before you join any party, consult all the objections that can be made against it, but once resolved, desert not your party on any account: if you perceive the post you are in to totter, you may procure your preservation by all honest endeavours, but never change sides. If you cannot with prudence continue where you are, retire.”
Thoroughly investigate and research any group or party before you declare your allegiance to it, but from this point on remain loyal to your choice. Even if it is clear that your position is in jeopardy, or that the edifice to which you have pledged your loyalty is in danger of collapse, you must not switch sides. If all else fails, you should simply resign.
“Should you find yourself strike upon the rock of danger, or be moored in an inconvenience, cast obstinacy over-board, and call wisdom to the helm, which with the aid of moderation and compliance, will always keep an error from growing worse, if not expunge it quite.”
Allowing yourself to become ensnared in erroneous thinking, which you then compound by adhering to your opinion no matter what, is a dangerous policy. Enlist wise advice, accept that you have been wrong and re-group. Your ability to follow advice and switch direction will be much more impressive than a dogged belief that you are right.
Some members of the older generation have chosen to opt out of the whole digital universe, even if it is increasingly difficult to do so. They feel happy to adhere to their traditional choices: letters, calls on their landlines, newspapers, television. If this is a definitive decision, they will undoubtedly find nagging and proselytising about the joys of the internet exhausting and irritating.
However, an Office of National Statistics report in 2021 showed that internet use amongst people aged 75 and over had risen to 54 per cent in 2020, and this figure is likely to have risen during the pandemic lockdowns. It is becoming increasingly apparent that most of our everyday functions are linked to internet access – from doctors’ consultations and appointments to online banking and bill management, we find ourselves ever more tied to new technology.
Rail companies are considering ditching paper tickets so people can only book online, car parks are increasingly making the transition to apps and digital payments, supermarkets are rolling out yet more self-service card-only check-outs, and any attempt to make contact with the local council or the utility companies will inevitably be met with a recommendation to visit the website, where the nearest you can get to personal communication is a chatbot.
This brave new digital world trumpets speed, convenience and efficiency, but many of us have discovered that, when things go wrong, it is nigh on impossible to talk to a real person or engage in any meaningful human contact.
All these problems are greatly magnified for older people who are tentatively learning to use the internet, or a smartphone, for the first time. Actions that have become intuitive for successive generations of computer and phone-users are baffling and unnatural for older digital novices. Websites and apps are frequently not designed with failing eyesight in mind, and older people often find it hard to navigate complex, multi-click user journeys or even to understand the arcane new vocabulary of the internet. The multiplicity of passwords and log-ins can cause a distressing information overload, and all too often people feel locked out before they’ve even begun.
In addition, the internet has opened us all up to ever more creative forms of fraud and deceit. Older people are vulnerable to plausible fraudsters who cold-call them and persuade them to give away vitally important security information, or to download software or click on links, giving fraudsters access to bank accounts or computers. It is scarcely surprising that some older people are extremely wary of the whole digital world.
If you spend every waking moment online and communicate almost exclusively through digital media – emails, social networking, video calling, texting and so on – you may find it difficult to accept that not everyone is the same.
Don’t wax lyrical about the convenience of online shopping and the delights of social networking to someone who has shown no interest in even owning a computer and is probably alarmed by the prospect. Respect the decision and accommodate it – make phone calls or send letters if necessary, or act as a digital proxy – and never complain.
If, however, you see tentative signs of interest, then it is worthwhile gently pointing out that the internet has its uses – sharing family photos, downloading podcasts and crosswords, emailing…
If your hints bear fruit, think carefully about useful ways in which you can initiate older people into the online universe, keep them safe, and help them to get the maximum benefit from the digital world.
Ways to Help
• Establish what the person wants to do online and make this a priority. In the first instance, it will dictate what kind of equipment they should choose.
• Help choose a broadband supplier or mobile provider and assist with the initial setting up of connections.
• Help them to choose the right equipment: a desktop pc might be the best choice, as there will be a larger, more legible screen and a more robust keyboard. However, they may be more interested in a tablet, which can be carried around the house, or used while sitting in an easy chair.
• If they are interested in a smartphone, choose a model with a large screen and magnify the display to ensure it is legible.
• Put all the most important contact numbers into the smartphone, if they have elected to use one, and demonstrate accessing them.
• Set the computer or tablet to load automatically to the most frequently used software and sites.
• Set up the browser home page with bookmarks to the user’s favourite sites. Ensure that the browser typeface is set to a legible font.
• Set the browser to remember passwords and log-ons on frequently visited sites.
• In the word processing programme load up a letter template, and display the icon prominently on the desktop.
• Go through all the privacy settings on social networking sites.
• Download an email programme and set up an email account. Save important email addresses, and install junk filters.
• Create a reference sheet that lists the most common keyboard commands – open, copy, paste, save.
• Take it slowly: maybe just concentrate in the first instance on a couple of useful websites (eg weather forecast, tv guide, news site). If the new user finds they can navigate to these sites, they will have a sense of achievement and feel ready to take more on.
• Mind your language. Words like ‘icon’, ‘browser’, ‘cursor’, ‘reboot’ are part of everyday parlance, but may very well be baffling to a new user. You might find words like ‘little picture’, ‘exploring window’, ‘pointy arrow’, ‘start up again’ are more useful. This may feel patronising, but if you have established that digital terminology is incomprehensible, creative language will be extremely useful.
• Remember that it is always easier to learn if you are actually doing, rather than observing someone else. If an older person has to sit and watch you darting around the screen with rapid clicks of your mouse or rattling out commands on a keyboard they may feel understandably daunted. Sit them down in front of the screen and let them do it from the outset, and remember an endless supply of patience is a virtue.
• If you feel that your pupil is really getting the hang of things, slowly initiate them into the internet world. In the first instance, this might simply be a matter of showing them how to use Google, and taking them to websites that chime with their interests – gardening, recipes, online chess and so on. You can also demonstrate the wonderful world of social media, podcasts and streaming.
• Once you are confident that they are in control, and only then, you can introduce them to the world of online banking and online shopping, but remember that this must be accompanied with dire warnings about fraud awareness and safety online.
• Finally, you may just have to accept that an older person is never going to become an internet wizard. You may be able to teach the basic commands, and bring your pupil to the point where they are able to send an email and navigate to a website and no further. You may still have to retain responsibility for other digital tasks, but at least you have opened up a little window into a new world.
The road to godparenthood is littered with good intentions. Being asked to officiate at the font is highly flattering; it feels like an endorsement of your credentials as a respectable adult, a vote of confidence in your personality, morals, good sense and so on.
Unfortunately, the glow of self-satisfaction can mask some harsh realities. Are you actually prepared to commit to a (possibly arduous) programme of bonding with a small child? Many of us have a godparent who used to be great friends with our parents but who have been a fleeting presence in our own lives. Some of us are, or have been, that elusive godparent and should never have agreed to take the job in the first place.
Eighteen years of birthdays and Christmases stretch out before you; will you be able to stay the course? Do you suspect that greedy ulterior motives have informed your selection? Is your childlessness or wealth a factor that has been taken into consideration? (Better gifts, help with school fees and potential legacies all rear their ugly heads…)
If you confront these issues head-on and still feel an overwhelming urge to say yes, then at least do it properly. Commit the child’s birthday to memory or note it in your diary or calendar – it will avoid embarrassing hints and nudges from the parents. If you don’t trust your ability to come up with the goods year on year, set up an annual standing order, or ask your wine merchant to set aside a suitable annual bottle, which will be available for drinking on your godchild’s 18th birthday (champagne will be a hit with both sexes).
Now comes the difficult bit. You really should make some effort to form a relationship with the child. Don’t panic if it doesn’t happen immediately – boring babies soon turn into chatty small children, and many people, especially those with no children of their own, will find that age is a definite improvement. If you really find face-to-face sessions with your godchild unbearably taxing, try and set up a relationship by letter or email – it’s better than nothing…
Eighteen years will soon flash by, and you may even find you have acquired a friend or ally. The demands on your bank balance are finite, but the relationship may prove to be lifelong.
Traditionally, a child has three godparents; a boy has two godfathers and one godmother and a girl has two godmothers and one godfather. Nowadays it is possible to have several godparents and the mix may vary irrespective of the sex of the child. So when approached to be a godparent, the first question to ask is ‘why me?’
• Parents approach friends or family members to be godparents for many reasons and they often choose specific friends for different reasons. It is less likely today that, as a godparent, you will be expected to become the child’s legal guardian should anything happen to the parents. However, if this were to be the case, there would need to be a formal statement of the parents’ wishes to accompany their will.
• If the parents are religious they will be looking for you to provide spiritual and moral guidance: find out what that means to them in practice and check that you share the same values, not just on religious matters, but on wider moral or ethical ones too. If you don’t, are they happy for you to share your values with their child when they get older?
• If the parents are not religious, they are usually seeking a ‘mentor’ who will watch over their child and steer him or her through life with love and care. Most importantly, they may also see the godparent as the person who will be there for their child should relationships at home become strained.
• Parents usually select godparents who will complement, or compensate for, their personal characteristics or interests. What are you expected to bring to the mix – adventure, glamour, sporting prowess, culture, humour, sobriety, sociability? Make no mistake, they will have mentally assigned to you some aspect of their child’s development; are you able to deliver?
• In some circles, godparents are regarded as trophies and are selected on the basis of the social and career opportunities they may afford the child in later life. If you feel this is the case then beware: your life as a godparent will be plagued by requests for favours and you will be expected to spend a fortune on gifts and treats.
• Some adults collect godchildren like stamps; they end up with an impressive collection but never do anything with them. So if you haven’t got the time or interest, then be honest and decline the role.
Assuming that you do want and accept the role, here’s our guide to being a good godparent:
• Ñever forget a birthday, Christmas or other significant date: it doesn’t matter if you’re a bit late but to neglect the big days in the life of a child is unforgivable.
• Call them on their birthday or at Christmas: if they never hear your voice you will always be a stranger to them.
• Find ways of keeping in touch at other times: when you go away on trips, send them postcards; if you see something in a magazine that might amuse or interest them, cut it out and send it.
• Show them how you dare to be different: let them see they don’t have to follow the herd and that it is alright to stand out from the crowd.
• Give interesting rather than expensive gifts: an unusual trinket from a foreign trip will be more meaningful than the latest electronic game or gadget – it’s tempting, but ultimately a bad idea, to splash the cash if you’re feeling guilty about neglecting your duties.
• If you have several godchildren, try and get them together once or twice a year so providing them with a ready-made circle of contacts and support for later life.
• Spend time with your godchild alone: do things which interest the child and give parents a break, that way you make friends with your godchild, who will return happy to refreshed and grateful parents.
• Never criticise or undermine their parents: it may be tough, but your job is to help the child understand their parents’ position and provide wise advice on how to deal with it, not to side with the child or deepen any existing rifts.
• When your godchild is old enough, share your mobile phone number and invite them to call you at any time for a chat.
• Try and be there occasionally for sports days, school plays, graduations: do not steal their parents thunder, but your godchild will appreciate your effort to be part of their life.
• Speak to your godchild as your equal: you have a unique opportunity to be one of their first grown-up friends who won’t judge or nag, and with whom they can share fears and doubts without looking silly.
How should you behave after you resign? Once you’ve submitted your letter of resignation and agreed your period of notice you are embarking on a strange interregnum. You may well feel that, mentally, you have already left the building, but resisting the temptation to embrace the vacancy, and behaving well throughout those strange few weeks may well have benefits both for yourself and your former colleagues.
Clearly, the more senior position you occupy, the more important it is to seek a ‘good’ resignation, not least because any tendency you have to down tools and absent yourself may well lead to feelings of lack of direction and inertia amongst your (soon-to-be-former) staff. They may well be asking themselves ‘is anybody home?’ and losing confidence in their employers, which could cause lasting damage.
The reasons for your resignation may well be an important factor in how you comport yourself. If you feel your hand was forced by dissent and disloyalty, or if you have suffered unfair treatment at the hands of your employers, you may well be overwhelmed by a vengeful desire to sabotage and disrupt. This can be manifested in minor, provocative acts of disloyalty and disengagement, but it is dangerous to let these feelings escalate to the point where you are doing real damage.
Unsurprisingly, ‘garden leave’ is popular with many businesses, especially when senior executives are resigning and they are in possession of confidential information, or have important client contacts. They are asked not to work during their notice period, even though they continue to be paid, and are still subject to the terms of their employment contract – for example, confidentiality. This arrangement safeguards employers against vengeful or unscrupulous resignees, who may well be tempted to poach clients or breach confidentiality for the benefit of their new company.
• Create a really detailed job description, so that your successor is comprehensively briefed and understands all the minutiae of your role. Cooperate fully and positively if you are asked to train your replacement.
• Discuss priorities with your manager and ensure that you understand if any open-ended projects require completion before you leave. If this is going to be problematic in the time available, be up-front about it, so that you don’t simply walk out and leave everybody in the lurch.
• Arrange meetings with colleagues and the rest of your team to discuss priorities during your notice period and also to look ahead and review the role your replacement will be required to fulfil.
• No matter how angry or badly treated you have felt in the past, make it a priority to present a calm and positive demeanour to all and sundry.
• Bad-mouth your employers to clients and contacts outside the organisation, who may well be avid for gossip and may even be keen to pick up scraps of intelligence that can be used against your employers. Ultimately it will do you reputation no good at all if you are seen as bitter and vengeful.
• Don’t disparage your company to the colleagues you’re leaving behind. You may well have legitimate grievances, but stirring up dissent and discontent amongst your colleagues will only leave them feeling unmotivated and unhappy after your departure.
• Don’t gloat to the colleagues you are leaving behind over your new job. You may feel like a very lucky rat w ho is leaving a sinking ship, but exulting over the fact that you’ve escaped and found a better job elsewhere is not going to win you any friends.
• No matter how keen you are to leave, conceal your feelings of indifference and inertia. Don’t make a performance of your disengagement with the job in hand – you’ll just undermine everyone’s morale.
Remember, leaving a good lasting impression and ensuring that there is a smooth transition following your resignation may have unforeseen positive consequences in your future career. Your good behaviour will enhance your professional reputation, ensuring that you will always be able to secure favourable references from former bosses and improving your employability in the future.
There has been much commentary on social media about the increasingly bizarre tendency for pubs and restaurants to serve food in a wide variety of receptacles that bear no resemblance to a plate. At one end of the spectrum we’ve probably all encountered wooden boards and slates; the more extreme end encompasses everything from miniature shopping trolleys and upside-down umbrellas to goldfish bowls.
Clearly the search for novelty and talking points is relentless, while the pressure to create photogenic dishes that will make their way on to Instagram and the like is intense. But the fact is that food is for eating, and any receptacle that makes food less appetising or simply inaccessible is clearly not doing its job. Many of us will have watched, crestfallen, as ice cream, served on a slate, melts and runs inexorably on to the table. The more hygiene-conscious amongst us will ponder how some of these novelty items are cleaned; a cracked wooden board looks like a breeding ground for bacteria. The array of weird and wonderful receptacles appears to be a prime example of the triumph of style over substance…Over-elaborate presentation of the food becomes the talking point, and there is a suspicion that the wilder flights of fancy are masking dishes that are at best mediocre.
It seems strange that many novelty receptacles are taking us back to the dark ages of dining, when ceramic or metal tableware was not readily available. People in the Middle Ages ate off slices of coarse bread, which – at the end of the meal – were thrown to the dogs, or given to the poor as alms. These were known as trenchers (from the old French word, ‘tranchier’, meaning ‘to cut’). By the 16th century bread trenchers were replaced by more practical versions, made of wood for most of the population, and pewter or precious metals for the wealthy. Everyday trenchers, made of thin slabs of wood, were imported in large quantities from the Baltic region, or simply home-made.
By the end of the 16th century, wealthier people were beginning to use platters, initially made of pewter or fine metals. When costly Chinese porcelain began to arrive in Europe, the appetite for it was insatiable. The Dutch created much more affordable tin-glazed earthenware, called Delftware, which also became hugely popular in the 17th century. Eventually, after much experimentation, Europeans began to manufacture their own porcelain, pioneered by Meissen in 1708. By the mid-18th century French aristocrats were dining exclusively off porcelain tableware and the British followed suit. Wealthy aristocrats commissioned increasingly elaborate items of decorated tableware, which became a status symbol. Britain’s reserves of china clay were a crucial factor in the growth of British porcelain and other pottery. Decades of experimentation by innovators such as Josiah Wedgwood led to a boom in the manufacture of British earthenware and stoneware, which were much more affordable than porcelain. By the 19th century pottery had become a standard item in working class households and the true era of the plate had begun.
These eminently practical items have evolved over many centuries to become an indispensable part of everyday life. They can be merely functional, or beautiful and stylish objects that will enhance your table as well as your food. Why settle for anything else?
With so many contemporary designs and shapes available, these are simply guidelines, not rules:
• Side plates: Usually about 6 inches in diameter, these plates can be used for small starters or amuse-bouches, and also can be used for bread and butter.
• Pudding plates: Usually about 8 inches in diameter, these plates are used for puddings but can also be used for side salads. Not all puddings are suitable for these plates – for example a crème brûlée would be better served in a ramekin.
• Dinner plates: Usually about 10 inches in diameter and used to serve all main meals. These are the most indispensable items in your plate collection, so think carefully before you invest and bear in mind that plates with a larger diameter may not fit in your dishwasher.
• Soup bowl: For formal dinners soup should be served in a wide shallow bowl with a flanged rim and a diameter of approximately 9 inches. In less formal settings, and especially when serving a puréed soup that will quickly lose heat, you may opt for a steep-sided soup or cereal bowl, with a diameter of about 5 inches.
Self-deprecation is a trait that permeates British culture. It is a national characteristic – evident in a sense of history that, possibly uniquely, dwells on ‘glorious’ failures (the Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Scott’s race against Amunsden). It is also a valued personality trait, which people find engaging and attractive.
The British have a horror of what they call ‘blowing your own trumpet’, and are deeply averse to earnestness, pomposity and self-importance. Statements that, in another culture, would simply be attributed as confident expressions of self-esteem, are interpreted in Britain as boastful and self-aggrandising.
If you want to avoid being misunderstood, learn to downplay your attributes and resort wherever possible to understatement. People will read between the lines and admire your modesty.
Self-deprecation can be deeply confusing to outside observers. The problem is that the British should not be taken at face value, and it would be wrong to judge their bumbling modesty, self-effacing apologies and downplaying of their own achievements as in any way genuine. In fact, the ability to conceal feelings of bombastic pride, superiority and self-satisfaction is a sure sign of social success and secure status in Britain. It takes great reserves of good luck and natural ability to rise to the position where you are confident enough to adopt an air of ironic self-deprecation and sheepish self-mockery. First and foremost, self-deprecation comes from a position of strength, not weakness; it is emphatically not an expression of lack of self-esteem, but an oblique projection of poise and self-assurance.
In many social circles it would be seen as hopelessly gauche to admit to striving hard for recognition or affirmation, be it taking exams (much is made of non-revision and inspired improvisation), or securing the top job (winging it at the interview with very little research or preparation is much admired). While it is perfectly possible that gallons of midnight oil have been burned during meticulous exam preparation, and much private anguish has been suffered before the important interview, it would be seen as bad form to own up to any exceptional expenditure of effort.
A tendency to broadcast achievements or boast about wealth or status is seen as ‘showing off’, a childish character trait that is greeted with opprobrium. Show offs are loftily disdained for exposing their insecurity, neediness and naked ambition.
Naturally, these strangely nuanced character traits are not shared by many other nationalities, and seem to fly in the face of contemporary admonitions, much aired on social media and in self-help advice, to stress your personal ‘brand’, believe in yourself and ascend the career ladder, wafted gently to the top on a cloud of self-belief and self-esteem.
But what happens to you when it all goes wrong? Or even when it doesn’t go quite as well as hoped and expected? When your blustering ambition and drive has fallen flat, where do you turn? If you have managed to hang on to a modicum of modesty and an ability to make fun of yourself, you will probably find that you are surrounded by supportive friends, who find it easy to relate to you, pick up the pieces, and help you move on. Even if you have succeeded in reaching the giddy heights of your aspiration, a sprinkle of self-deprecation and self-mockery will go a long way towards keeping your feet on the ground, ensuring that you are likeable and acceptable.
None of this means that we shouldn’t recognise other people’s success. We all need to avoid tall poppy syndrome, where we decry other people’s drive and ambition, and pour scorn on their achievements. Deprecating yourself is fine (as long as you don't overdo it), but that doesn’t mean you should extend your disparagement to everyone else. When you see other people thriving or flourishing, it is basic good manners to acknowledge their attainments and encourage their success. Failing to do so is an embarrassing sign of resentment and envy. If they choose to meet your compliments with a large dose of wry self-deprecation, so much the better…
You know you’re the luckiest person alive to have landed your perfect partner, but when it comes to their relations, the laws of probability may not be on your side. You’ve upset the balance of their family: at best you’ve swelled the ranks, further dividing the pot of love and attention; at worst you’re the cuckoo in the family nest, stealing their beloved son/daughter/brother/sister.
Even wonderful in-laws can create problems. If they’re warm, uncritical, unfailingly supportive, always pleased to see you, dedicated and hands-on with their grandchildren and generous at Christmas-time, this might play merry hell with your relationship with your own less-than-perfect parents or siblings. Families can be fiercely competitive, and you may find yourself the focus of an undignified tug of love, which can be extremely painful if children are involved.
Treat a bad in-law as you would childhood chicken pox. You don’t want it, you don’t deserve it, you can’t really do much to alleviate it but it’s a necessary evil and if you stay calm and are careful not to aggravate it, you’ll come out barely scarred. Comfort yourself with the thought that your partner chose to leave the bosom of his/her family and create a new family with you – if the in-laws are truly toxic then your cleverest plan is to sit tight, behave immaculately and trust that there will be no doubt about which family is the better bet. As for perfect in-laws, don’t boast about them to your own family (that way lies perdition), just secretly rejoice in your good luck.
• It’s your job to interpret your own family dynamic, customs and traditions for your partner. Don’t just leave your partner to sink or swim, give them some warning about no-go areas, things your family cherish, well-established family rituals, family feuds. This should be reciprocal, so you will be well briefed when it comes to dealing with your in-laws.
• Behave impeccably at all times. Whatever the provocation, keep your mask of good manners intact.
• If you are subjected to criticism of your housekeeping, child-rearing etc., smile graciously. Try and ignore the criticism, treating it as merely irritating white noise.
• If the criticism persists, you could opt for humour and self-deprecation. Shrug, smile charmingly, say ‘you’re probably right… I was always hopeless at this kind of thing’ and move on. With any luck your charm and good grace will show them up for the carping, sour-faced critics they really are.
Alternatively, you can go for the out-and-out adulation defence. Just turn your face into a mask of awe-struck admiration, sit (figuratively) at their knees and ask them to teach you everything they know. Alternate intent listening with nauseatingly effusive compliments, and they’ll soon get fed up with the mentoring role.
• Whenever possible, ask for advice from your in-laws (for example on financial or house-related matters, or parenting). They will feel flattered to be asked – after all, everyone likes giving advice. You will have your own views about whether to follow it.
• Try not to criticise your husband or wife to your in-laws. Even if they’re sympathetic and think their son/daughter is a bit of a wastrel, you can be sure that, at some level, visceral loyalty will eventually kick in. Your confidences may come back to haunt you and, if that is the case, will certainly be held against you.
• Similarly, be very careful about criticising your in-laws to your husband/wife. This isn’t necessarily a no-go area – some couples find criticising their parents’ behaviour both therapeutic and helpful – but you need to be sure that criticism isn’t going to elicit a defensive reaction, or be held against you in the future.
• Always stick up for your partner. You may find in some families that your support is enlisted when it comes to berating an errant son or daughter. No matter how tempting it is to side with your in-laws and reap the benefits, remind yourself that your first loyalty is always to your partner. If his or her parents’ criticisms are legitimate, they should be discussed later and in private.
• Take the lead from your partner when it comes to relating to your in-laws. You may enjoy chatting to your mother every day, while your husband rings his once every six weeks. Don’t berate him for the lack of contact; accept that every family dynamic is different.
• Whatever you do, ensure that both you and your partner present a united front. This is particularly important when dealing with potentially difficult issues, for example plans for Christmas.
• If you have reached a point where the in-laws really must be confronted – perhaps you have found their babysitting worryingly deficient or their interference in your life has become unbearably onerous – this must be done together. It is always a bad idea for you to take the lead role in any confrontation; your partner’s loyal support is imperative.
• Remember that good manners will get you a long way when it comes to building a relationship with your in-laws. Send thank you notes for hospitality and presents, and ensure that your children are similarly effusive. Bring gifts of flowers or drinks when you’re visiting. Note down birthdays and anniversaries and send cards and presents. Always remember to thank you in-laws for any help they have given you, for example babysitting or DIY, and never take these kind gestures for granted. Even if your meticulous courtesy is not appreciated, you will know you have done the right thing and cannot be found wanting.
• If all else fails, and you find yourself in an increasingly pernicious relationship with your in-laws, you should speak diplomatically to your partner and explain why you are finding it difficult. You may be able to negotiate with your partner about the amount of time you spend together – he or she might be willing to visit their parents on their own from time to time. It will help family harmony if you can manage to find a compromise; conceding that you owe it to your partner to spend some (limited) time with his or her parents, no matter how difficult, will certainly be less damaging than estrangement.
• Above all, remember your in-laws are individuals in their own right, not simply your partner’s parents. Their personalities and way of life have been formed by their own history, experiences, and family background. Don’t let your partner’s over-familiarity inform your own relationship with his/her parents. Make an effort to really get to know them – listen to their stories, look at family photographs, exchange confidences. The chances are that, by taking an interest in them as human beings, you will find new ways of making a success of this vital relationship.
We’re in peak holiday season and our etiquette experts have turned their attention to the wonderful world of out-of-office emails.
Who would have thought that these innocuous email footer messages could be so controversial? Yet there are many pitfalls that really should be avoided:
• Oversharing
Do you really need to share the details of your upcoming absence with your entire email circulation list? Do suppliers, potential clients, managers, or new contacts really need to know about the specifics of your holiday plans, your upcoming operation, your kids’ holiday schedule, your sabbatical aspirations etc.?
• Virtue Signalling
Few messages are more irritating than smug statements about emotional priorities. Even a simple statement like “I’m off work and am planning to spend some quality time with my family” seems designed to make the rest of us feel like workaholic wage slaves who are neglecting our nearest and dearest.
• Boasting
Using an out of office message to brag about your yacht, your second home in France/Italy/Spain, or your expensive hobbies is just tone deaf. Rubbing the noses of your colleagues or employees in your good fortune is not an effective way of fostering team spirit.
• Under-communicating
At the opposite end of the spectrum, a message that simply states “I am not here”, with no details of return date or alternative emails to try, is worse than useless. It states the obvious, and provides absolutely no solution, so is guaranteed to irritate the recipient.
• Over-protesting
Using ‘out of office’ replies as a way of signalling how frantically busy you are (rather than to alert recipients to your absence) is not very professional. A message like “Due to the large volume of email messages I receive, I cannot reply to them all. If I have not responded within three business days, please try again” signals incompetence and grandiosity rather than industriousness.
• Self-importance
Using an out of office message on normal work days to advertise your inaccessibility is completely redundant. A message like “I am in client meetings between 10am and 4pm and will only be checking my emails after 4pm” is not intended to assist potential correspondents (who will surely be able to wait a few hours), but to signal to the world that you are an important, much sought-after person, who is in wall-to-wall meetings with clients.
• Overusing
Some people think nothing of using an out of office message whenever they leave their desk – whether they are at work-related meetings or on a lunch break. These redundant messages are simply ways of advertising indispensability, implying that – even when the guilty party has just popped out for a quick cup of coffee – there will be panic and consternation because they are not immediately available.
So how do you leave a helpful message that avoids all the above pitfalls? These are our recommendations:
• Remember to use an out of office message when you’re going to be absent for a day or more. It will ensure that people do not feel frustrated by your silence, or fear that you are ghosting them.
• Be polite. Don’t just launch in with “I’m on annual leave”. Preface your message with a greeting, such as “Thank you for your email”.
• Be concise. You really don’t need to add any elaboration to your simple message: “I am on annual leave until ….” Or “I am away from the office until…”
• It is important to give a specific return date – many recipients will be happy to wait until you return rather than pursuing an alternative route.
• If it is appropriate, direct your email correspondents to a colleague who can help, or alternatively give them details of a general enquiries number or help desk. Ensure that all the contact details are correct, and full names of members of staff and job titles are included.
• If you are directing enquiries to a colleague, make sure that they are available during your absence, are aware that you are enlisting their assistance, and are happy to be the point of contact while you are away.
• If you are reachable while you are away, say so. This might be a matter of adding a phrase like “I will be checking my emails from time to time”, or you might be willing to take phone calls. If that is the case, include your number: “I will be available on xxxxx xxxxxx” or “please text me on xxxxx xxxxxx and I will get back to you.”
• If you are reachable while you are away, but would prefer not to be contacted, it is quite acceptable to say “If your enquiry is urgent, please call me…”, which will deter most people and ensure that you are not inundated with calls.
• End your message politely. If you have not re-directed the recipient to a colleague, say something like “I will be in touch with you as soon as possible after my return.”
• Finally, remember to switch off your out of office when you return. It’s really frustrating trying to communicate with your newly-returned colleague and having your email bounce back when you can clearly see the recipient sitting on the opposite side of the office!
Many of us will have been confronted, at a formal dinner or in a renowned restaurant, with a daunting arrangement of cutlery. We all repeat the mantra that we have been told many times before – just work from the outside-in – and we do our best.
Yet, until as late as the 17th century, the British were used to food being served on large communal platters, and eating with their fingers or spoons. Forks, which had been used on the continent since the Middle Ages, were seen as effete and affected. Thomas Coryat, a 17th-century English travel writer commented: “The Italian…doe alwaies at their meales use a little forke when they cut their meat [and if] anyone should unadvisedly touch the dish of meate with his fingers from which all at the table doe cut, he will give occasion of offence unto the company, as having transgressed the laws of good manners.”
The English eventually began to recognise the hygiene benefits of using one’s own cutlery in the aftermath of the Great Plague of the 1660s and gradually began to adopt the fork, though it was an expensive item, which only slowly filtered down from the dining tables of the upper classes. By the Victorian era, the British had embraced the fork with a vengeance: there were forks designed for every purpose, from eating sardines to spearing asparagus. It is scarcely surprising that many diners began to feel cowed by extravagant arrays of cutlery.
The practical guide to cutlery that follows is interleaved with quotations from Routledge’s Manual of Etiquette (1875). In essence, the precepts and proscriptions remain much the same, but it is clear that the Victorian diner was subjected to a much more rigorous implementation of the rules:
Cutlery that you will encounter on a day-to-day basis includes: large knives and forks, small knives and forks, teaspoons, dessert (pudding) spoons and forks, and tablespoons.
Extras include blunt knives for butter, fish knives, soup spoons, and extra small spoons for coffee, or for salt and mustard.
Special jam spoons, or alternatively dessert spoons, should be used for jam or honey (the jars should be placed on small plates where the spoon can rest), not teaspoons.
Teaspoons are also used for tea and coffee (if extra small spoons are not available), or for eating grapefruit or boiled eggs.
The fork and spoon are the only utensils that should go into the mouth. Soup should be tipped into the mouth from the side of the spoon, which should never be held at a 90° angle, and there should be no sucking or slurping. Never lick the knife or eat off it.
“In eating soup, remember always to take it from the side of the spoon, and to make no sound in doing so.”
“We presume that it is scarcely necessary to remind our fair reader that she is never, under any circumstances, to convey her knife to her mouth.”
If using a knife and fork together, always keep the tines of the fork pointing downwards, and push the food on to the fork. Try to avoid turning the fork over and using it as a scoop.
For foods that are eaten with just a fork, including some pasta and some fish, transfer the fork to the right hand and use it with the tines facing upwards, like a spoon.
“Silver fish-knives will now always be met with at the best tables; but where there are none, a piece of crust should be taken in the left hand, and the fork in the right. There is no exception to this rule in eating fish.”
“Peas are eaten with the fork; tarts, curry, and puddings of all kinds with the spoon.”
Do not hold your knife like a pen. The handle should lie in the palm of the hand and is secured by the thumb on the side and the index finger on top of the handle. It is permissible in a restaurant to ask for a steak knife if the meat is tough, but rude to ask for anything extra in a private house.
Always eat puddings with a spoon and fork (both should always be laid); the spoon should be a dessert spoon. Ice cream may be eaten with a teaspoon, or a long teaspoon if served in a tall glass. Sorbet, served between courses, is eaten with a teaspoon.
When eating, bring the fork or spoon to the mouth, rather than lowering the head towards the food. Bring the food promptly to the mouth and do not gesticulate with the knife and fork.
When finished, the knife and fork (with tines facing upwards) or spoon etc are placed on the plate in a six-thirty position.
Bread is broken, and eaten, with the fingers, and it is quite acceptable to use fingers to eat soft fruit – the only fruit that requires a knife and fork is pineapple. It is considered quite acceptable to eat asparagus with the fingers:
“Some very well-bred people eat it with the fingers; others cut off the heads, and convey them to the mouth upon the fork. It would be difficult to say which is the more correct.”
Stoned fruits, such as cherries and plums, are also eaten with the fingers, and we recommend that pips and stones are discreetly conveyed to the side plate with the fingers:
“Some put the stones out from the mouth into a spoon, and so convey them to the plate. Others cover the lips with the hand, drop them unseen into the palm, and so deposit them on the side of the plate… the last is the better way, as it effectually conceals the return of the stones, which is certainly the point of highest importance. Of one thing we may be sure, and that is, that they must never be dropped from the mouth to the plate.”
