Few of us can resist the sight of baby bridesmaids, pageboys and flower girls. Their function is primarily aesthetic; they look impossibly cute as they follow the bride down the aisle, melting the stoniest hearts. They are frequently nieces, nephews, cousins, godchildren or offspring of the couple, and inviting them to be part of the ceremony is also an excellent way of consolidating family ties and making everybody feel closely involved.
However, a baby screaming during the exchange of vows or a rambunctious toddler running up and down the aisle can also be a maddening disruption, which will tarnish memories of the wedding day. For some couples, children are the sine qua non of their wedding day, for others they are complete anathema.
When you’re sitting down to plan your wedding, you will inevitably need to address this issue. So, firstly ask yourselves the following questions:
• Do most of your friends have children? Not many of them will be able to arrange childcare, so a no-child policy might mean that many of your best friends won’t be able to come.
• Is the venue child-friendly? Will there be room for children to run around and let off steam? Will providing child-friendly food be a problem?
• Are the majority of your guests coming from distant places and staying overnight? If that is the case, they will hope that they can bring their children as well.
• What is the timetable of the day? If the wedding and reception run well into the evening, it might be too late for young children.
• Do you have your own children? It would be more fun for them if other kids also joined the party.
Underlying all these practical issues, there is one key question that you must discuss honestly with each other. Do you love having children around and see weddings as being all about families and mixed generations? Or do you want to have a perfect and stylish day, which is all about conversation and sophisticated socialising in a beautiful setting?
If you tend to the latter view, then you will probably want an adult-only wedding, and it is therefore imperative that you clarify this decision when you send the invitations out (see below). The last thing you want is ambiguity or confusion. You may well find that the situation is not entirely straightforward – it might cause a real rift if you don’t invite the children of your very closest relatives, or if you want young children to act as bridesmaids and pageboys, and you will need to acknowledge that scenario as well.
If you are happy to have children at your wedding, you must take positive steps to accommodate them and ensure that they have the best possible day. Happy children will also be much less disruptive…
The child-free question must be approached explicitly and there are several ways to deal with this conundrum. These are examples of wording, which can either be added to the invitation itself, or displayed prominently on the guest information sheet:
• Blame the venue: “We are sorry, but due to restrictions at the venue we cannot accommodate children.”
• Be completely honest, no excuses needed: “We are sorry we are unable to invite children to our wedding, and hope that you will still be able to attend.”
• Only babes in arms are allowed: “We are sorry, this is an adults-only wedding, with the exception of children under 12 months.”
• Children are only allowed at the ceremony or the reception: “Children are welcome at the ceremony; the evening reception is for adults only” or “Children are welcome at the reception; however, only wedding party children will be attending the ceremony”
• Children of immediate family (or who are in the wedding party) are included: “Due to numbers restrictions, we are only able to accommodate the children of close family”, or “We are only able to accommodate the children in our wedding party”.
If you’re happy to include families with children, bear in mind that it will be a long, and at times boring, day for young children, and as boredom levels rise anarchy will inevitably follow. So pre-empt these difficulties, by putting some time and thought into ways of keeping children entertained – their parents will be eternally grateful, and young guests will be able to enhance your wedding day, rather than creating mayhem:
• Organise a children’s-only table at the reception (preferably out of earshot), and make sure that it is supervised. You can enlist the help of a friend’s teenagers, or you could invest in a magician or entertainer.
• Very young children will probably be happier to sit with their parents, but if possible arrange for them to be served a ‘special’ children’s menu.
• Goodie bags, which are placed on the table before the meal, are a wise investment. You can include no-staining coloured pencils and drawing books, or quiet toys to keep the children entertained.
• In the summer, let children play outside as soon as they’ve finished eating (no forced silence while they listen to endless speeches). A bubble machine will keep them entertained or you could even invest in a bouncy castle.
• If you are hosting an evening reception at a hotel, a children’s babysitter is a wise investment. The children can be gathered in one place, where they can play, watch a movie, or even fall asleep after the exertions of the day.
No matter how much time and planning is put into accommodating children at weddings, a substantial amount of responsibility still resides with the parents. So, if you are bringing children to a wedding, be considerate and plan ahead:
• Come equipped with favourite toys, books, crayons etc. Party bags might be provided, but you should definitely have back-ups.
• If your child is attending the church service or ceremony (or maybe even part of the bridal party) bring small toys or even treats such as raisins to placate them and keep them distracted during the ceremony. Don’t bribe them with sweets or chocolates or you might find that they become hyperactive.
• Agree with your partner who is going to take prime responsibility for very young children before the ceremony begins. If they start to cry, take them outside immediately – of course you will be sorry to miss the proceedings, but at least the wedding can carry on without disturbance and your prompt action will save the day for the bride and groom.
The honeymoon period is over. Friends and relations have stopped cooing and showering you with gifts, and normal life has (more or less) resumed, except for the incontrovertible fact that you now have a baby.
As far as the rest of the world is concerned, you will be seen as an acceptable parent if you manage to minimise the amount of baby-related fuss you generate. People will be tolerant of a baby as long as it doesn’t intrude on their personal space or disrupt their enjoyment/concentration. So follow these simple rules when attempting to re-ignite your social life following the arrival of a baby, and you will be beyond criticism:
• Be flexible when you’re out and about. You may have elevated bedtime rituals to the status of a religious ceremony at home, but these arcane practices are not really appropriate in a social situation. Work on ways of helping your baby relax in a range of circumstances – a favourite cuddly toy, a comfort blanket, a particular music box tune that signifies sleep… If your baby’s sleeping habits are reasonably adaptable you may be able to prolong the period of ease and portability.
• Be wary about taking on entertaining challenges. Only contemplate inviting friends to supper when you’re confident that you have got the bedtime routine in hand. They will be deeply discouraged if they arrive in the middle of protracted, and sacred, bedtime rituals, which would certainly appear to indicate that food and adult company is a very distant prospect.
• Be vigilant. You may well have child-proofed your own home, raising precious glass ornaments to above waist height, locking away bottles of bleach, adding gates to the stairs and safety covers to your electrical outlets – but have your friends? When you’re in someone else’s house, your baby’s safety is your responsibility. Nobody else is accountable for potential accidents (although it helps if they’re at least aware), so watch out.
• Respect other people’s possessions. A crawling baby will inflict all kinds of disruption on a home and, while the chaos may not be life-endangering, a non-parent may find it distressing. Don’t just sit there, chatting happily, while your baby systematically removes all the books from the shelf in order to place them in a teetering pile. Your friend may well be having kittens. Monitor reactions, pre-empt the problem by finding a more suitable distraction, tidy up any baby-related mess.
• Always bring the baby’s toys. To minimise the amount of damage your infant does to your friend’s possessions, and to buy a little peace and quiet, always bring a small bag of ‘distractions’ when you’re visiting friends. A few plastic bricks, a couple of books, a cuddly toy, a rattle may just keep the child busy while you’re chatting.
• Always remove a screaming baby. All babies cry – for a painfully long period this is their only way of expressing needs and desires. But that doesn’t mean that everyone else has to suffer. Be very aware that – of necessity – you will build up an uncanny ability to block out your baby’s screams, but this nonchalance is not shared by the rest of the world. The safest reaction is to remove the baby as soon as it starts to cry; take it into another room, into the garden, outside the restaurant… It’s boring for you, but your friends will really appreciate your efforts to save their shredded nerves.
• Try not to mix up baby time and adult time. Bringing a howling infant to the dinner table when you’re eating with friends is going to kill the evening stone dead. Try and keep baby-related mayhem to the minimum, and absent yourself to calm the baby down. Your guests will understand and will appreciate your efforts.
• No baby talk. Everyone succumbs to highly embarrassing behaviour around a baby when they’re alone, but you must be aware that this is a social liability. Nobody knows how to react to a gurgling, lisping parent – baby talk is a strictly private vice.
• Take it outside. If you and your partner are frazzled and nerves are getting frayed, don’t start rowing about whose turn it is to change the nappy, prepare the next feed, take the screaming baby into the garden etc. in front of your friends.
• Sticky hands and snotty noses are common among small children, particularly toddlers. Try to keep them a safe distance from your friend's new cream trousers or immaculately ironed shirt.
“It is a great mistake for men to give up paying compliments, for when they give up saying what is charming, they give up thinking what is charming.” Oscar Wilde
It comes as no secret that genuine compliments benefit both the giver and receiver. The recipient feels the warm glow of appreciation and endorsement; the complimenter feels the positive benefits of noticing, and appreciating, a good thing – be it behaviour or appearance. Compliments encourage a feeling or reciprocity, of one good turn deserves another. They can be effective at work, where they encourage productivity, and they will oil the wheels of social intercourse, gratifying hosts and guests alike.
Compliments on personal appearance in the workplace are highly contentious, however. In particular, workplace ‘compliments’ from more senior men to women are inappropriate and discomfiting – implying that a woman's success is primarily defined by her appearance. This perception is what continues to hold women back in the workplace, and women would be highly unlikely to reply in kind to men who hold positions of power in the office hierarchy. Of course, amongst colleagues who are also friends, an exchange of compliments is perfectly acceptable.
That said, compliments are freighted with layers of social anxiety and self-consciousness, and some people find them very hard to give or receive. There is a fine line between a genuine compliment and flattery. The latter is a self-serving compliment, designed to gratify the recipient to such an extent that they feel in some way beholden to the flatterer. The fear that words of praise or approval could be mistaken for fawning or flattery is enough, for some people, to deter them from ever uttering an innocent compliment.
So how do you get it right?
• Compliments are much better when they are sincere. We have all been guilty of complimenting something that we actually do not really like, or over-complimenting, but there is a real risk that the recipient will detect the insincerity and recoil from it.
• Be observant and focus your compliment on something specific you have actually noticed. It is much better to say something like “I love that dress – the colour really brings out the blue of your eyes” than “You look nice”.
• Never damn with faint praise (“I’m really surprised by what you’ve managed to throw together”), or give a compliment with one hand and take away with the other.
• Be cautious about very personal remarks, which could refer to weight or health issues, and are best avoided. A remark like “You look so slim – have you lost weight?” could easily be heard not as a compliment, but as a comment on earlier weight issues.
• Don’t be stingy about compliments – the more you give the more naturally they will flow. You will get into the habit of noticing people and making positive comments without any awkwardness.
• Utter the compliment at the moment when you are feeling positive and spontaneous, not as an afterthought, and it will feel more genuine – don’t wait until you are leaving a dinner party to praise the food, for example.
• Recognise and accept that certain compliments, while they may not be utterly heartfelt, are important tools in your social armoury. If you go to someone’s house, eat their food and spend an evening in conversation without uttering a single positive remark (on the décor, the food, the hosts’ appearance, the wine, etc) your hosts will naturally feel they have been found wanting and will interpret your silence as disappointment. You are an unfortunate guest indeed if you can find absolutely nothing worthy of a genuine compliment.
• Use compliments to get the ball rolling. They are an excellent tool in small talk, and an effective way of getting a conversation started. A compliment will ease you over any awkward bumps in the conversation and, if you’re hesitant about offering praise to a person you don’t know, you can always revert to complimenting a third party, eg the host (“These canapés are delicious – Julia always gives such brilliant parties”).
• If you are the recipient of a compliment, smile and say thank you, and do not demur. Try to avoid self-deprecation (“oh this old thing”), which is typically British and can make the person paying you the compliment feel they have done the wrong thing and dent their confidence.
• Don’t receive a compliment as a pretext for boasting (“Oh, do you like it? It’s unique – I got it for next to nothing from this wonderful silversmith I discovered in Rajasthan” etc etc).
• Avoid a kneejerk tendency to downplay the praise you are given. People do this because they are taught to value modesty and don’t want to come across as conceited. But the result can be an undignified dispute with the person who offered the compliment in the first place, who feels obliged to re-affirm the original praise.
• Never interrupt someone who is in the middle of giving you a compliment, as if to indicate that it is no big deal and should be brushed under the carpet. All compliments, no matter how small, are significant and you owe the person who is handing out praise the courtesy of listening graciously.
• Never respond to a compliment by giving a knee-jerk compliment back. The recipient will – rightly – regard it with suspicion.
The powerful impact of hand gestures in communication is often overlooked. Research indicates that people who use hand gestures tend to be viewed as warm, agreeable and energetic, whereas people who do not gesticulate very much are seen as cold and analytical.
Gestures are clearly linked to speech and in fact can help to clarify thought, enabling people to formulate coherent notions and speak in a clearer, more declarative language. Gestures are often used to underscore points that are being made, and thus can help us to understand what is being communicated. The more energetic gestures the more passion they seem to convey.
Sometimes, however, gestures do not align with what we’re actually saying, and this can induce feelings of confusion or mistrust. They can also appear to be too exaggerated – flailing arms and sweeping hand gestures can look out of control and distracting, especially if you are on Zoom, where tics, gestures and facial expressions are all objects of forensic focus.
• Opening your hands with your palms at a 45-degree angle indicates that you are being honest and open.
• Palms facing each other with fingers steepled indicates that you are thoughtful and authoritative.
• Hands clasped together in front of you indicate that you are nervous and tentative.
• Hands fiddling with hair, face, beard etc express palpable feelings of anxiety.
• Sweeping, expansive hand gestures convey that you are talking about a large idea or concept, but if your gestures are consistently exaggerated you will look chaotic and undisciplined.
• If you do not use your hands at all you may come across as disengaged and disinterested.
Inevitably, our hands come under close scrutiny when we are speaking in public, or presenting. Hand gestures can be deployed to reinforce our message and to send subliminal messages of conviction and confidence. They can be invaluable tools in communicating our ideas to our audience, but there is also a risk that they will undermine what we are trying to say or betray our nerves.
• Occasionally reinforce your message with explicatory hand gestures, but don’t do it too often or it will look over-rehearsed. For example, if you are talking about a small number
you can pinch your fingers together; conversely, a large number or important point can be expressed by opening the arms out wide. Use your fingers to indicate numbers below five – this simple gesture will lodge in the minds and memory of your audience.
• Holding your open palms outstretched towards the audience is a great way of conveying honesty and integrity. It subliminally indicates that you have nothing to hide.
• Keep your hand gestures to the sweet spot, the area between your hips and shoulders, if possible. If your hand gestures do not stray beyond this zone you will not run the risk of looking over-excited, out of control, or disorganised.
• Try not to point. It’s tempting to do so if you are making an emphatic pronouncement, especially one that relates directly to the audience, but it looks aggressive and will make your audience recoil. If possible try to reinforce your point by making a short chopping motion with an open-palmed hand – it will feel less combative.
• If you feel you’ve lapsed and have used an inappropriate gesture, don’t panic. Just drop your arms to your sides for a few moments, which will act as a re-set. Don’t leave your hands by your sides for too long, however, as it will look stiff and robotic.
• Don’t cross your arms – it looks defensive and inaccessible. It is quite easy to default to this position when you’re not speaking, for example when you are being introduced or when you are listening to questions from the audience.
• Never wring your hands; this means any position where you clasp your hands together, with or without intertwined fingers, and move them back and forth, which communicates nervousness and anxiety. If you feel the temptation to do so, steeple your fingers instead – this will express a moment of thoughtfulness before you move on to the next topic.
• If you want to convey sincerity you can place your hand on your heart, but don’t over-use this gesture or trot it out when you’re making a banal assertion – it will look cheesy.
While shyness can be crippling in the young, it has a shelf life. The sheer terror of social interaction for children or young people can be strong enough to induce debilitating physical symptoms – blushing, shaking, stammering, sweating hands, even tears – but research has shown that this is associated with as yet undeveloped social skills, the unfamiliarity of the situation and the anticipation of that unfamiliarity, rather than being a manifestation of a deeper form of introspection or social anxiety. While it seems like a character trait, it is more often just a symptom of the fear of the unknown.
Ordinary shyness can be conquered by simply putting yourself into timidity-inducing scenarios and forcing yourself to join in; however terrible it feels the first time, the second time will be exponentially better.
Parents of naturally shy children are pivotal in influencing which way that shyness will go – gently handled and carefully introduced into non-threatening gatherings where they can develop their social skills at their own pace, these children will gradually shrug off their shyness.
But if parents constantly excuse their children in front of others, “I’m sorry, little Charlotte is really shy” or actively tease them for their shyness, for example by calling attention to their blushes, while doing nothing to soothe the underlying anxiety, then they should not be surprised when the shyness escalates.
When shyness accompanies you into adulthood, it can be isolating, and is easily mistaken for aloofness or an intolerance of other people’s company. It can also be a manifestation of acute self-consciousness, a painful hypersensitivity to the scrutiny of other people.
Not everyone is an extrovert, who loves nothing more than meeting new people and plunging into the social maelstrom with all guns blazing. We have to accept that there is a spectrum of personality types, and some people are simply less outgoing.
You can learn to live with a tendency towards shyness, and accept that there are also some benefits. Firstly, you will be the last person to broadcast your achievements or boast about your amazing attributes, and as a result you may well appear to be pleasingly modest (though don’t let yourself become too self-deprecating).
Your modesty will make you approachable. You will not come across as arrogant, swaggering or threatening, and other people will naturally be more comfortable around you (though make sure you don’t come across as aloof).
Shy people make excellent friends. As a shy person, you will find getting to know people can be challenging, and you will eschew the easy intimacy of the extrovert. But when you do befriend someone it will be because you have invested a great deal of emotional energy into the process, and you will value the friendship more deeply.
Shy people tend to be self-sufficient and are therefore very good at working alone, without seeking the validation of others or the congeniality of teamwork.
If you feel that shyness is holding you back, however, it can be mitigated and even overcome by turning your attention away from yourself and focusing instead on the people around you.
Don’t make the mistake of relying on drugs or alcohol to mask your shyness – they will certainly disinhibit you, but it is a very inexact science and you may find your intoxicated antics only serve to increase your self-reproach and make you more likely to withdraw further.
The first step in conquering shyness is to recognise that you are probably overestimating negative scrutiny, and to silence the nagging voice in your head that is your own sternest bully and critic. Try and approach situations with an optimistic belief that they will be a success. Deflect your attention from yourself and your perceived shortcomings by focusing on other people: ask pertinent questions, listen carefully, respond intelligently. People love to talk about themselves.
Many shy people cope well in professional situations because they have a defined role and status. This is less apparent in a social context, but you can alleviate anxiety by taking on a useful role: meeter and greeter; person who takes the coats or directs guests to the cloakroom; supplier of drinks; person in charge of music; buffet assistant. If there are no hosting opportunities, set yourself the task of being an enthusiastic participant in the event – if you praise the venue, the drinks, the food and so on to other guests they will warm to your positivity, and it will provide a good starting point for further conversation.
Consciously focus on small talk. This is a social skill that will improve the more you practise it, and it will stand you in excellent stead on all social occasions. Think about topics that you can bring up in conversation: from the banal and non-challenging (the weather, your surroundings, how you know the host etc) to the more profound (current events, career paths, life experiences). Ask questions, but also make general observations that will elicit responses, so it doesn’t look like you’re conducting a rapid-fire interrogation. Focus on your companion – engage in eye contact, don’t let your gaze wander, listen carefully. You will soon find yourself deep in animated conversation.
Remember that you are not the central component of every social interaction, but a small cog in the wheel. By protecting yourself behind a shield of good manners, you will find an antidote to your shyness.
“You desire to be a person of ‘good standing’ in society. How do you stand?... If you are awkward, you are more likely to manifest your awkwardness in standing and walking. Do you know where to put your feet and what to do with your hands?”
This perennial question is posed in one of our favourite guides to etiquette, How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Etiquette and Guide to Correct Personal Habits, 1865 (price sixpence).
The anonymous author goes on:
“It seems a simple and easy thing to walk, and a still easier and simpler thing to stand or sit, but not one in twenty performs either of these acts with ease and grace. There are a hundred little things connected with attitude, movement, the carriage of the arms, the position of the feet and the like, which, though seemingly unimportant, are really essential to elegance and ease. Never despise these little things, or be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by study and practice…
Avoid, on the one hand, the stiffness of the soldier, and on the other, the ape-like suppleness of the dancing master; and let there be no straining, no fidgeting, no easy shifting of position... The same general principles apply to the sitting posture. This may be either graceful, dignified, and elegant, or awkward, abject, and uncouth. The latter class of qualities may be got rid of and the former acquired; and depend upon it, it is a matter of some consequence which of them characterises your position and movements…
Slovenliness in walking characterises some. They go shuffling along, precisely as if their shoes were down at the heel – ‘slipshod’ – and they could not lift up their feet in consequence… Some have another awkwardness. They lift up their feet so high that their knees are sent out before them … Some saunter along so loosely they seem to be hung on wires; others are as stiff as if they supposed only straight lines were agreeable to the eye; and others, again, run the chin forward considerably in advance of the breast, looking very silly…”
The Victorians were subjected to countless admonishments by their etiquette experts; many seem ridiculously pernickety to the modern eye, but some recommendations echo contemporary preoccupations and insights. Like us, the Victorians acknowledged that our body language is a vitally important clue to our character – slumping, fidgeting, shuffling, loping, strutting and standing stiffly are all traits that leave an unsettling, and unfavourable, impression, seeming to denote a lack of confidence, shyness, shiftiness, arrogance or nervousness.
So how do we achieve those twin Victorian goals of grace and elegance? The etiquette experts at Debrett’s have put together the following recommendations:
The mnemonic TIGER is a simple and practical way of improving your posture and ensuring that nervousness or social anxiety is not reflected through tension in your body and through trying to make yourself smaller:
• Tauten your abdominal muscles. This will improve mobility in your hips and spine, and has the added advantage of giving your voice a lovely centred resonance.
• Inhale: breathe slowly and properly, with your stomach out as you inhale. Be careful that you don’t breathe into your shoulders. You won’t get as much oxygen like that.
• Grow: stand tall but with your feet firmly on the ground. Stretch yourself to your full height by imagining that you are being pulled upwards with an invisible piece of string. At the same time roll your shoulders back. (This process also works when sitting down).
• Equalise: distribute your weight equally on each foot – to do otherwise means tensing up one of your legs, making you look unsteady. Relaxing and feeling the ground beneath your feet makes you feel … grounded!
• Relax: let your arms hang loosely at your side, or bend your elbows and keep your hands in front of you – clasp them loosely if that’s comfortable. Don’t put them in your pockets or touch your face.
• Once you have deployed the above technique to stand tall, make sure you maintain it when you start walking and don’t revert to a hunched-over-the-computer slouch.
• Try and project your gaze about 20 feet in front of you, and avoid looking down at your feet.
• Make sure your shoulders are rolled back and not hunched up towards your ears.
• Let your arms swing freely from your shoulders, not your elbows, and move them forward and back like a pendulum – don’t let them go any higher than your chest. Swinging your arms helps the efficiency of your movement and looks natural as long as you don’t overdo it; not moving your arms looks stiff and uptight.
• With each step, roll lightly from heel to toe, and avoid flat-footed plodding. Aim for a smooth movement. You may think over-lengthening your stride looks dynamic, or bouncing up and down as you walk looks lively and enthusiastic, but both these movements put a strain on your joints and should be avoided.
• Use the TIGER mnemonic to ensure that you are upright and sit in the middle of the chair. Relax your shoulders. This will prevent you hunching over or slouching in your chair.
• Position your knees at the same height, or slightly lower than your hips if at all possible.
• Think about your legs. Women may want to avoid crossing their legs at the knees or intertwining their legs, especially if they are wearing a skirt that may ride up. Instead they should cross their legs at their ankles or place their feet together, then position their feet slightly to the side. Whatever position they choose, they should ensure that their knees are together.
• Men should avoid manspreading – sitting with their legs wide open, or resting an ankle on the opposite knee. Both these postures look arrogant and sexual.
• The best place to put your hands when you are sitting is to let them rest loosely in your lap. If the chair has arms, be wary of placing an elbow on the arm, as this will tempt you to use your hand – now at face level – to fiddle with your hair, beard etc. Never fold your arms when sitting down as it looks wary and defensive.
The UK is currently experiencing a stationery renaissance – specialist shops are opening up in many high streets, selling carefully-curated collections of notebooks, writing paper, woven envelopes, fountain pens, and an eclectic range of inks.
In a digital age, when we are meant to be heralding the arrival of the elusive paperless office, this nostalgia fest may seem charmingly niche. But as letter-writing, calling cards, correspondence cards, At Home cards, and the whole panoply of Victorian-style correspondence disappears, a substantial minority of us are still clinging on to the satisfyingly stylish remnants of a lost age.
As we all become increasingly keyboard-savvy it feels as is handwriting is rapidly becoming a dying art. We grip the pen uncertainly, our fingers unaccustomed to the position, our movements stiff and unwieldy. Many of us no longer possess a quality fountain pen – once it was the gift of choice for graduations, school-leavings, 18ths and 21sts, but now it seems increasingly irrelevant, its pre-eminence supplanted by laptops, tablets and mobile phones.
But it is vitally important that you do not succumb entirely to the march of the keyboard. Useful as a keyboard is for the tedious minutiae of daily life – the forms, emails, texts and messages – it doesn’t really pass muster when it comes to truly meaningful, personal communications. An important letter, whether it is congratulations on the birth of a new baby or condolences on a death, simply must not be typed. Typewriting carries with it the cold hand of officialdom, the impersonal atmosphere of bureaucracy, the taint of administrative efficiency. Handwriting, on the other hand, is spontaneous, personal and heart-felt.
Even if your handwriting is execrable, illegible or embarrassingly babyish, you must never shy away from the obligation to use handwriting for personal correspondence – thank yous, letters of congratulation, condolence, important news updates. Your handwriting is deeply individual, instantly recognisable, and sends strong subliminal messages about your personality – the complete antitheses of a bland text message.
Try your best to inject some style into your calligraphy; throw away the cheap biros and felt tip pens, and invest in a good quality pen – you could even choose a distinctive and stylish coloured ink from the huge range now available. Embrace the act of writing with enthusiasm and, even if your scrawl is beyond redemption, your correspondents will be grateful for your efforts.
If you have taken the trouble to purchase a pen and ink, and have made an attempt to brush up your handwriting style, it would be a shame to sabotage your efforts with cheap and nasty writing paper. The writing paper you choose, like the clothes and fragrance you wear, is a reflection of who you are. From the weight and weave to the colour and dimensions, stationery is a deeply personal style statement, so think carefully about what you want to convey.
For many people the simplest option is the traditional. They opt for reassuringly thick paper or card (white or cream) and, if they are venturing down the bespoke, headed route, elegant typography (a classic serif like Baskerville or Garamond, or a flowery italic). Nobody could question your social credentials with such solid stationery on your side. You will be seen as a pillar of society, an upholder of traditions, and deeply conventional.
For some people this option is simply too boring. In their eyes, it lacks originality and personality, conveying only cautious conservatism. They choose the flamboyant – brightly coloured paper, zany typography. This stationery is the equivalent of comedy ties, eccentric hair colours and wacky hats. It takes real aplomb to carry if off.
There is a middle way – slight adjustments in colour (dove grey or duck-egg blue instead of white or cream for example) and typography (there are millions of fonts to choose from) will convey assured individuality, without forcing the message. After all, you may be using your stationery to write difficult things – letters of condolence, regrets for non-attendance, news of illness – and you wouldn’t want a sombre message to be undermined by comedy writing paper.
Preparations for the wedding are underway, the bridal team has been selected, and the bride is contemplating her future.
The hen party is the perfect way to bid goodbye to the bride’s single life and to herald new beginnings. It is traditionally organised by the chief bridesmaid, with the help of the other bridesmaids and close friends. Other permutations are increasingly common – often a group of the bride’s closest friends take charge, or one highly organised individual steps up to the plate and takes on the role of party-planner.
Only wedding guests should be invited to the hen party, and family invitations are a matter of personal choice – the mother (and future mother-in-law) of the bride may choose to attend the more genteel and sedate proceedings that characterise the start of many hen parties, such as an afternoon tea or spa session, leaving her daughter and friends to party into the night. If mixed generations are involved in the hen party, it might be a good idea to divide it into two parts, consigning the rowdier antics to the evening and planning less challenging and more indulgent activities for the daytime.
Whoever organises the hen party must budget carefully, and ensure that all the costs – including the bride’s share – are divided between the attendees (a breakdown of costs should be emailed to guests before the event, and agreed upon). It is important at this point to consider who is coming and to think about everyone’s budget – an expensive weekend abroad may well be beyond the reach of some of the guests, or may stretch some people’s finances to breaking point. Nobody is going to enjoy a hen party if it puts them under severe financial strain, so it might be preferable to think creatively about unusual ways to enjoy a weekend together (eg a glamping trip to the country with long walks and cosy pubs) rather than defaulting to the lazier option of distant destinations, five-star hotels and expensive meals out.
First and foremost, the organisers must remember that a hen party is specifically a celebration of, and for, the bride. It is not an excuse for a group get-together, and it is important that, when planning activities, the bride’s character and tastes are everyone’s prime consideration. If the bride is a sporty, outdoorsy person, for example, she may be much more likely to enjoy an afternoon of white water rafting than a beauty makeover or trip to a spa. It is all too easy for the majority of guests, and their tastes, to carry the day when planning hen party activities, and the event irrevocably drifts away from its prime focus, the bride.
The bride’s personality should also be taken into account. If she is shy or demure, she probably won’t enjoy being forcibly dragged out of her comfort zone. If she is a raucous, extrovert party-goer, then there is much more leeway when it comes to planning evening activities such as clubbing or drinking games. While there may be plans to keep some of the details of the celebrations a surprise (by no means essential), party organisers will definitely have to consult the bride when it comes to deciding whom to invite. They also might want to make gentle enquiries about the bride’s preferences and establish whether there are any definite no-go areas.
• It is perfectly acceptable to turn down an invitation to a hen party. In the first instance, you will need to tell the organiser you won’t be coming (this can be done by text or email), but you will also need to give an honest explanation to the bride herself in person (you have other commitments, you can’t afford it, these sort of events make you uncomfortable). Suggest an alternative, low-key celebration (such as a dinner out) to soften the blow.
• Only consider accepting an invitation to a hen night if you are prepared to fully commit to everything that is on offer and participate in all the celebrations. The last thing a bride needs is a party-pooper who is watching, bored or disapproving, from the sidelines.
• If you’re the party-planner, don’t become over-obsessed with perfection. Minute planning, relentless WhatsApp group chats, bossiness, and over-anxious marshalling of the group are all symptoms of an understandable desire not to disappoint the bride. But if you’re not careful you’ll kill all spontaneity, and everyone will feel over-managed.
• Make sure everyone is having a good time. It is quite likely that some of the guests at a hen party won’t have met before, so ensure that everyone is introduced and that seating arrangements are conducive to everyone getting a chance to meet and chat. There’s always a risk that a large clique of the bride’s old friends will dominate proceedings, leaving a few stragglers feeling left out, so do your best to prevent this happening.
• Pace the intake of alcohol. There will obviously be lots of drinking – it’s a celebration after all – but if you’re not careful the hen party will be memorable only for staggering drunkenness and catastrophic hangovers. Timetable the day so there are activities and breaks from drinking – a session in a sauna, a swim, a walk, horse-riding, afternoon tea.
• Don’t feel oppressed by the clichés. We’ve all seen hen parties staggering around town – brides with crowns, learner plates and sashes, printed t-shirts for the rest of the group. That is one option of course, but there is no necessity to include any of these elements. The best hen parties are uniquely tailored to the people involved and everyone is free to do precisely what they, and the bride, will enjoy most.
• Remember at all times that this event is primarily about the bride – it is your chance to make a fuss of her, relax and have fun. You are there to celebrate your friendship and herald the start of a new era in her life. This party is not primarily about you, so make sure you take the back seat, and don’t get over-excited and over-dominant.
• If the hen party is the work of one or two organisers (as opposed to a communal endeavour), then it is only polite to send them a thank you note shortly after the event, expressing your gratitude for all their efforts. Organising a successful hen party is hard work, and you should all acknowledge their input, both during the celebrations (a formal toast to the organisers is a nice gesture), and after it’s all over.
Our perception of what constitutes ‘old age’ is changing. Older people are staying healthier for longer and pride themselves on retaining their youth, so the business of respecting our elders can be tricky. In times past, older people occupied an elevated position in society and were treated deferentially, but this can now seem disproportionate or even patronising. However, some people will expect this and you must trust your judgement.
In practical matters, always be patient. When travelling on public transport, it is perfectly correct to offer your seat to a person who appears to need it more than you, but don’t be offended if they decline and don’t let this put you off in the future. If you are in conversation with someone who is hard of hearing, avoid shouting or speaking more slowly than usual. Speak clearly and articulately, and be guided by them. Be patient: older people may eat more slowly and walk more slowly than their younger companions.
If you are an older person, show reciprocal patience and respect for your juniors. A polite response will go a long way. Reacting badly to what you consider to be an over-the-top demonstration of respect will embarrass and discourage younger people from acting kindly in the future. Remember, cantankerousness is not a privilege of old age.
• Never make the crass assumption that old age is inevitably partnered with senility. Talking to older people as if they’re confused infants is the height of bad manners. Confusion and vagueness are not inevitably, or necessarily, the exclusive preserve of old age, and you should – as with all social encounters – assume (unless proven otherwise) that the person you are talking to is of sound mind.
• Similarly, never assume that older people are deaf as posts. True, some older people are hard of hearing and, if that is the case, it will become immediately apparent (frequent repetitions of ‘pardon’, head craned towards the speaker, hands held to the ear, bizarre responses, or simply instructions to “speak up!”). If none of these symptoms are displayed, assume that you are talking to someone who can hear what you are saying and speak at a normal volume. It is unforgivably rude to shout at an older person as if he or she is an imbecile.
• Different times, different manners. It is probably safe – unless you are instructed to the contrary – to assume that the older generation expects slightly more reticent and formal manners. This means taking the conversation at a slower pace, refraining from instant intimacy, censoring off-colour jokes and stories, not swearing, and being respectful of, for example, religion (which might play an important role in the older person’s life).
• Be very careful about names. Many members of the older generation are very uncomfortable about the universal informality of today’s society. They were brought up to believe that using a person’s title (‘Mr,’ ‘Mrs’, ‘Dr’, ‘Reverend’ etc.) was indicative of the respect that was owed an older person, and they find the instant use of first names insulting and disrespectful. When first meeting an older person, it is probably safest to adopt the default position of using a title and – when the time seems right – to actually ask if it’s acceptable to use the first name (“Do you mind if I call you Mary?”).
• Be patient. Everybody slows down as they get older and everyday tasks (walking, eating, making the tea, finding the correct change etc.) will inevitably take longer. You must accept this with good grace.
• Always offer help and assistance to older people. If somebody refuses, don’t be deterred in the future – there will always be people who are proud of their independence and reject offers of assistance, but they are the exception rather than the rule.
This means offering your seat on public transport, helping older people to pack at the supermarket checkout, carrying bags (off the train, for example), holding open doors and waiting patiently, offering an arm if the going is unsteady.
Ghosting somebody means abruptly disappearing from their life by ceasing all contact and ignoring their attempts to contact you. It is a term that has been much used of late, especially in relation to terminating fledgling romantic relationships, and it has been theorised that this sort of conduct, which has always existed, has been greatly exaggerated by the casual anonymity of dating apps, and the relative isolation of modern dating culture, which means that behaviour within relationships is not being monitored by friends and family, making it relatively easy to sever all ties.
Ghosting does not just occur in romantic life, it also spills out into friendships and work relationships. Once the poisonous tendency to terminate contact without a backward glance is unleashed, it can be deployed in many contexts, from cutting off contact with a friend or relation, to simply ceasing to correspond with a client, colleague or consultant without any excuse or elucidation. Many people will have experienced a prime example of professional ghosting, when they are interviewed for a job, receive positive feedback, and then never hear from the employers again.
It goes without saying that this type of behaviour, in all its manifestations, is extremely distressing. The person who is ghosted may well suffer initial anxiety and incredulity, and probably will not fully comprehend what has happened until they have bombarded the ghoster with (unanswered) calls, texts and emails. The dawning recognition that they have been ghosted brings a range of emotions: they will feel rejected and disposable, and – because they have not been given the explanation they are undoubtedly owed –worthless. They may find themselves obsessively trawling through the remnants of their relationship, poring over photos and old correspondence in an attempt to find a rational reason for the rejection.
Ultimately, they will move on, and this will happen because they begin to recognise that it is the ghoster who is worthless – they are unreliable cowards who cannot deal with the emotional repercussions of their decision, who lack empathy and respect for other people.
Ghosting is lazy and cruel. If you don’t wish to see somebody again, simply face up to the situation and tell them so: the initial sting of rejection is far preferable to that person having to endure weeks of uncertainty over the relationship, speculating about what they might have done wrong, or even fearing that you’ve been mown down by a bus without their knowledge.
You might have a clean record when it comes to ghosting in romantic relationships or friendships, but don’t get too complacent. A careless lack of regard for other people’s feelings, a tendency not to follow through, to terminate communication rather than to take the trouble to reply, is increasingly apparent. This may well be a manifestation of our communication revolution – we have so many ways of connecting with each other that we’re beginning to experience a sensory overload, which may well lead to a tendency to simply bow out.
In days gone by, when posted letters were the only way in which people could correspond, it would have been considered the height of bad manners not to reply, within reasonable time (a few days), to any letter. Any failure to do so would have demanded an explanation and an apology.
So why not take a leaf from our ancestors’ book and be meticulous about all your relationships? If someone contacts you with a question or a request and you cannot help them, write a polite note to say so, do not leave them hanging on. If you receive a friendly email from a long-lost friend, acknowledge it, even briefly – you can always explain that you’ll reply at greater length later, but at least you can express pleasure at the contact. If someone invites you to an event, RSVP immediately – if you really don’t want to go, it’s an easy avoidance tactic to put the reply on hold, but it’s very bad manners to do so. And if you’re an employer who is interviewing aspiring hopefuls for a job, don’t leave the rejected candidates optimistically waiting for a response, without a word of explanation.
Most of us will recognise that ghosting people with whom you have had relationships, romantic or otherwise, is cowardly and despicable. But we also need to remind ourselves that if ghosting tendencies are creeping into our everyday lives, they should also be ruthlessly expunged.
