Saying ‘thank you’ is an essential pillar of good manners, which (along with saying ‘please’) is endlessly reiterated to us throughout our childhood. It is a fundamental act of recognition and acknowledgement, which shows our appreciation for any act of civility or generosity – from holding a door open to hosting a dinner party – and has a powerful, positive impact on all social interactions.
It is surprising, therefore, that this simple gesture of gratitude is so often overlooked, both in our social and professional lives. Given its positive benefits, it is hard to understand why saying thank you is often deprioritised. The simplest explanation for this is heedlessness and distraction. We rush through our daily lives at full pelt, enslaved by the demands for attention that emanate from our digital devices, stressed and distracted, and we overlook the real-life scenarios that should be acknowledged. A classic example of this syndrome is the harassed customer in a coffee shop who orders a drink while making a phone call, grabs it from the barista and makes a swift exit without a word of thanks.
The more we allow these small interactions to go unmarked by gratitude, the more likely we are to forget out social obligations on occasions when thanks are expected – social media is rife with complaints and gripes from people who never receive thanks or acknowledgement for presents or hospitality, a fundamental social faux pas.
This is a great shame, as saying thank you improves your relationships, building trust with the people around you. It demonstrates that you are aware of acts of politeness, generosity, support or friendship and appreciative of them. It is also true that saying thank you is an investment in the future: by showing your appreciation you are demonstrating that you are a person who is worthy of generosity and kindness, and inevitably more will come your way.
We’ve looked at ways of bringing more gratitude into your life:
If you instil habits of gratitude in your children, you will be doing them a lifetime service. This encompasses simple ps and qs (“say please”, “say thank you”), but it also involves the much more arduous business of getting children to write thank-you notes for treats and presents. This will be much more effective if you can persuade your child by using empathy (“Wasn’t it nice of Grandma to remember how much you like painting?”), rather than by simply imposing your authority (“You can’t go out to play until you’ve written your thank-you letters”). You will inevitably encounter resistance to this whole business, especially amongst young children who find writing hard work, but it is worth sticking at it, because it will eventually become an engrained habit that your children will take into adulthood, where it will put them at a social advantage.
Monitor all your everyday transactions – from driving encounters, bus journeys and coffee shops to shopping, ordering food, buying drink. It is obviously vital that you always thank anyone who performs a service for you (in a shop, bar, ticket office and so on), and failing to do so is undoubtedly rude, because it is demeaning to the person who is serving you. Being busy or distracted is never an adequate excuse for this kind of disregard.
But also question whether you even notice when someone does something polite or helpful for you, when they are under no obligation to do so; this could range from giving way in a car to let you pass on a crowded street, to holding a door open for you or ushering you ahead of them in a queue. Once you start to look out for these small gestures you will see that they happen very frequently, and you will also find that a smile and a nod, wave or word of gratitude will bring both gratification to you and to the other person. Never overlook these small moments of engagement – they will school you in the art of gratitude and enhance your awareness of other people.
Traditionally, there was a whole apparatus of formal thanks for gifts and hospitality. Letters were dispatched in short order, and they followed a set pattern: opening with thanks; remarks on the pleasures of the occasion/appositeness of the gift; more general remarks; reiterated thanks.
But as letters have become increasingly rare and we’ve become more reliant on digital communications, these conventional missives have begun to be replaced by texts, emails and messages. While a letter or thank-you card always packs a more powerful punch (it speaks of time, consideration and effort) a digital message of thanks still performs the essential function of grateful acknowledgment.
More troublingly, we now seem to be entering an era when gratitude ghosting is increasingly in evidence. This is when gifts are received, and hospitality is enjoyed without a word of thanks – the act of generosity is simply met with a resounding silence. If you must admit that you have tendencies in this direction, just try and exercise your empathy. Imagine how you would feel if you had invested time, money and thought in choosing, wrapping and sending a present, and your efforts were met with nothing. Or envisage a situation where you had invited friends for dinner, shopped, cleaned, cooked a delicious meal, plied them with drink and conversation, only to be met with silence in the days after the event. It is not a great imaginative leap to realise that you would be left feeling hurt, overlooked and offended.
These negative feelings can act like a slow poison, infecting the giver with a resolve not to lay themselves open to this casual disregard. Is it surprising that serial non-thankers eventually find themselves struck off gift lifts or left without invitations?
Saying thank you isn’t just about everyday acts of kindness, generosity or hosting. Generosity comes in many guises, from giving someone a lift, helping with their shopping or gardening to helping them move house, looking after their children, or supporting them through a major illness or bereavement.
It often seems easier to thank people for small services, of the help with shopping or gardening variety, than saying thank you for major, life-changing acts of support or generosity. But these big gestures must also be acknowledged, and if you find it difficult to articulate the extent of your gratitude in person, a letter can be a very useful way of expressing more complex emotions.
Gratitude plays a major role in the workplace, and we all know that colleagues who take our assistance for granted, who never thank us for our time and effort, can easily undermine the working environment and make us feel resentful.
If you regularly thank your colleagues for their assistance and support, you will be contributing to a positive workplace culture, where everyone feels more engaged. You will also be consolidating team loyalty and productivity.
In a work context, a public thank you (whether it is on a workplace message app, an email thread, or in person in a meeting) is particularly valuable. Everyone is striving for recognition in the workplace, so they will be particularly gratified by thanks that are aired in a wider forum, where their efforts are acknowledged and noted by other colleagues, team leaders and management.
The person who is giving thanks will also gain kudos from the transaction. They will be seen as generous, honest, supportive and loyal. On the other hand, people who take sole credit for work, without acknowledging crucial advice and assistance, will be seen as untrustworthy and unscrupulous ladder-climbers and regarded with suspicion.
The revised and updated edition of our perennial classic, the Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman, is published on 1st May.
This encyclopaedic guide contains an eclectic miscellany of information for the modern gentleman, from our traditional advice on good manners, tailoring and dress codes to extreme sports, grooming, exercise regimes, travel tips, home comforts, collecting, driving, classic cars and gastronomy.
We believe that a defining characteristic of a modern gentleman is his savoir-faire. He is calm, competent, knowledgeable and worldly, able to deal with a myriad of different circumstances and challenges with charm and ease.
We hope that our new edition of the Guide will be an enlightening and entertaining companion. Our A-Z selection of sample topics below is intended merely to give a flavour of the range and diversity of its contents.
Great for cardiovascular ability and for improving fitness, aerobic classes became popular, primarily for women, in the 1980s, but are now equally enjoyed by men. Bodypump combines aerobic exercises with hand-weights, which involves high-repetitions with low weights, making it great for toning and fitness.
If you’ve had a bad day and don’t want to talk at the barbers, that’s fine, as long as you’re not silent to the point of rudeness. Talking on the phone makes the barber’s job impossible and is bound to cause irritation. When you first go to a new barber, tell him your style, your likes and dislikes – don’t just say “do what you think is best”. If you’re happy with your haircut, it’s normal to tip around 10 per cent.
Caviar is the roe of the sturgeon fish. It is best eaten as simply as possible, served at room temperature. A true connoisseur would never disguise the true taste of caviar with additions such as sour cream, lemon or onions. The average portion is approximately 30g. Test caviar’s freshness by placing a small amount on the fleshy part of your hand between your thumb and index finger – it should not smell fishy. Vodka is a perfect partner.
Men were always expected to hold doors open for women to pass through first, and it is still considered a polite gesture. But if a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t rush in front of her exclaiming “I’ll get that!”; most women do not expect to be ‘helped’ through doors by their male companions. Everyone who passes through a door should check behind them to ensure that they are not letting the door slam in someone’s face.
A mono-brow can be shaved easily, but it’s more effective to pluck between your two brows. Make sure you don’t over-pluck as, over time, the hair may not grow back – and you don’t want to look permanently startled. If in doubt, get it done by a professional.
A ‘signature’ fragrance is an important component in your personal armoury; it should be a memorable and individual reflection of your ‘brand’. Your fragrance is the finishing touch to your clothes and is an accessory in the same way that your cufflinks might be. You should, therefore, have a wardrobe of scents to fit with your mood, the occasion and your clothes. Spray a quick burst onto your chest after a shower – you will already be warm from washing and so, as the cologne heats up under your shirt, it will really open up.
If you’re visiting an art gallery, respect the silence, avoid loud conversations, and don’t talk on your phone. Be observant about other visitors and don’t intrude on their personal space. Appreciate the work, but don’t lecture your companions. Keep strong opinions to yourself (“Call that art!”). Don’t ‘hog’ paintings or barge in front of other people and never, ever touch the exhibits.
On the basis that one unit is equivalent to a dollar, euro or pound, tip bellboys or porters one or two units per case as they leave the room. If the doorman calls a cab for you tip one or two units. Leave housekeeping five units for short stays (more for longer) – never give the money to reception, it probably won’t reach the correct pocket. If you call for room service, give two units for supper, one unit for drinks (the exception is the USA where they will have added a 15 or 17.5 per cent delivery charge already).
The sequence of collar, cuff, sleeve, yokes, back and lastly, the front is recommended. The shirt should be damp (preferably from the wash), unbuttoned, with any collar stays removed. Iron the underside of the collar first, then the outside from the point of the collar to the centre. Cuffs should be ironed unbuttoned and unfolded; start with the inside first. Work sleeves from the top to the cuff. When ironing the yoke, fit it over the narrow end of the board. When ironing the front panels, work around the buttons and pay special attention to the panel with the buttonholes which will be on show when the shirt is worn.
Beat jet lag by drinking plenty of water before, during and after flying. Set your watch to the same time as your destination as you board and try to sleep accordingly – early morning flights that land at night tend to be less popular and you might be able to spread out and sleep. Don’t drink caffeine before the flight and don’t drink alcohol on board. Whatever your destination, try not to go to bed before 10pm. Eat minimally during the flight – food will leave you bloated and unable to drop off.
As a general rule, don’t kiss colleagues or clients, though it is becoming more common, so you will need to go with the flow, but remember two kisses can seem over the top in a professional environment. Usually go for the right cheek first but be prepared to change direction at the last minute – use humour to deflect embarrassment over the meet-in-the-middle mix-up. Cheek skin must make brief, light contact; avoid sound effects, air kissing and saliva traces.
There are multiple ways to lace a shoe, but there are three that are the most effective. The strongest, and best-looking, is to have the laces crossing parallel to one another. A basic criss-cross is also sturdy, though it doesn’t tend to look quite as good. A more stylish option is to criss-cross- the laces over the top, and then feed them up and underneath the eyelets, rather than across the tongue. Laces, generally, should be of the same colour as the shoe.
Protect wool and cashmere from moths by putting cedar blocks in your drawers and wardrobe. Small bunches of dried lavenders also deter moths. Make sure knitwear is clean before it’s put away and store for longer periods – such as the summer months – in sealed containers.
Unfold your napkin (never ‘serviette’) and place it in your lap before you start eating. It’s not there to act as a catch-all solution to messy manners, so never tuck it into your shirt collar. It’s okay to occasionally dab the corners of your mouth, if necessary, but avoid grand side-to-side wiping gestures. When you have finished eating, place your napkin, unfolded, beside your plate.
Hold the onion on its root end and cut vertically in half. Working from the top to the root, peel off the papery layers. Trim the pointed end, but not the root. Place on the board cut side down and make a series of parallel cuts that stop just short of the root. Then make a series of cuts across the onion at right angles to the earlier cuts, right up to the root. The diced flesh will fall away – the finer your slices, the finer the dice.
Port is a sweet, fortified wine from the Douro region of Portugal. Bottle-aged port spends little time in a cask. Cask-aged ports mature in wooden barrels until they are ready to drink. It is a wine to be laid down, as a cask-aged port that spends two years in a barrel will last 20-40 years in a bottle. In formal situations a port decanter will be placed on the table. You should help yourself then pass it on, always to the left. The tradition of passing the port originates from naval dinners where the port was always passed ‘port to port’ around the table, ie to the left.
Qigong (or Chi Kung) is an excellent form of exercise for men who want to move beyond the merely physical, who prioritise clarity of thought and improved mental focus. It combines meditation with exercise and is based on correcting the flow of energy that runs through the body. Most variations tend to involve breathing techniques, moving exercises, still postures and mental training. It is particularly good for correcting posture and mental discipline.
There is no technical proof of the sonic superiority of vinyl compared to CDs. However, what the two formats say about you is perhaps more important. CDs are functional and convenient; vinyl, on the other hand, points to a man who appreciates the art-form in his hand – from the seductive black grooves of the record to the attention to detail in the cover artwork itself. And running your fingers through a shop’s record racks always beats browsing online.
The groom should never pay. While it is traditional to humiliate the groom, exercise some restraint and go for a light-hearted option – you do not want the wedding to be called off because of a disastrous mishap. If you’re organising a stag-do, subtly find out the budget of members of the party – don’t propose going abroad if no one can afford it. Always check if your chosen venue allows stag parties – many don’t. Never arrange the stag-do for the night before the wedding.
Never say to a tailor: “You’re the expert, go off and make me a suit”. They will make something they like, but which you may not. If you don’t know exactly what you want, at least know what you don’t want. Don’t ask for something they don’t do; a traditional Savile Row tailor is unlikely to be too wacky. It is important to be flexible. Just because you have your heart set on a certain style it doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Once you have found a tailor you like, stick with him; it takes time to build up another relationship.
The only person who should know who your underwear is made by is you, so keep your waistband to yourself. You aren’t a rapper; trousers should cover your underwear. If you are wearing just boxers, remove your socks immediately.
Usually overrated and underwhelming, VIP areas rarely attract true VIPS and often lack the buzz and atmosphere of the rest of the venue. If, however, you are lucky enough to find yourself closeted with some recognisable faces, don’t act overly impressed. Never try to take a photo, no matter how subtle you think you are being, and don’t stare.
Three-piece suits are less common these days but can still look good. With the coat off, a waistcoat gives your upper half structure as it works in a similar way to a corset. A waistcoat lengthens the body – it allows you to wear a flattering fabric from neck to toe – so works well on larger men or those with shorter legs. Waistcoats should have six or seven buttons, but the lowest should always be left undone.
Different people will have different parameters for what constitutes acceptable viewing, reading and conversational material. A true gentleman will always err on the side of caution and will stick to safe topic and inoffensive language until he has judged his companions’ tolerance.
If you’re invited on a sailing trip, pack light and use soft luggage (storage space is limited). Always bring a spare set of everything as there’s a good chance you’ll get wet. Never wear leather-soled or hard shoes; always wear plimsolls, trainers or deck shoes. Ask for permission to board before stepping from the shore. Noise travels on the water, so keep your opinions about your neighbours’ attire to yourself. Never throw anything overboard and never argue with the captain.
If you notice someone has their flies undone, embark on the path of minimal embarrassment and remember discretion is critical. If you are on friendly terms, take them to one side and let them know. If, on the other hand, you are hoping they will become a business associate, it may be wise to keep your lips sealed and your eyes firmly above belt level. If someone draws attention to your own zip, trust that they have your best interests at heart and are not trying to humiliate you. Smile confidentially and thank them for saving you any further embarrassment.
Click here to purchase a copy of The Debrett's Guide for the Modern Gentleman
Here are some nuggets of wisdom from our upcoming publication, the Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman.
We’ve looked at potential pitfalls, occasions when gentlemanly good manners can easily be taken over by arrogance, boorishness, ostentatiousness or competitiveness. After all, being a perfect modern gentleman is all about controlling your more basic instincts and projecting an air of relaxed and civilised ease:
Do you feel an irresistible urge to correct people who you perceive to be wrong? Do you often preface your sentences with the following: “Technically”, “In actual fact”, “I think you’ll find”, “Obviously”?
If you feel compelled to interrupt conversations, interjecting your opinion and taking over, oryou tend to assume that most people are less intelligent than you, you are probably coming across as patronising.
•Learn to listen
If you actually take the time to really hear what people are saying to you, you might realise that there are signs of intelligent, well-informed life out there.
•Practise humility
If somebody compliments you, don’t complacently take it as your due; try and show genuine pleasure and thank them warmly. You will soon find that being self-deprecating is a good way of winning friends and admirers.
•Don’t hog the credit
It’s not all about you, and you will come across as much less pleased with yourself and self-satisfied if you openly acknowledge the role other people have played in your success.
•Don’t make assumptions
Under-estimating people, assuming they’re ignorant or belittling their experience, capacity and expertise will expose your arrogance and lead you into very dangerous waters.
You may take pride in your savoir-faire, revelling in your worldliness, social contacts and access to exclusive haunts. But be warned: it will count for nothing if you’re unable to demonstrate your finesse in social situations where you are interacting with other people.
•Perfect the art of conversation
Strike a balance between talking and listening and pick up threads to create a multilayered conversation.
•Ask questions
There is a fine line between interest and intrusion. Familiarity comes with time, so be aware of unspoken barriers.
•Be vigilant
Observe the people around you and put their comfort ahead of your own. That means making sure they are seated, warm, supplied with refreshments.
•Stay calm
Be phlegmatic in the face of adversity and don’t fly off the handle when things go wrong. A calm demeanour always makes other people feel at ease.
•Don’t blow your own trumpet
The ability to conceal bombastic pride, superiority and self-satisfaction is a sure sign of social success in Britain. It takes great reserves of good luck and natural ability to rise to the position where you are confident enough to adopt an air of ironic self-deprecation and downplay your attributes.
•Don’t be a bore
Long, rambling anecdotes that go nowhere, mini-lectures on subjects in which your listeners have no interest, or yawn-inducing self-obsession, are all signs of bores. If your conversation is a broadcast, rather than a dialogue, you will soon find yourself socially blackballed.
Gamesmanship – the art of winning unfairly at sport without actually cheating – is simply embarrassing, especially when amateur enthusiasts ape the less attractive attitudes of professionals. The histrionic questioning of line calls, the hectoring and haranguing of the referees, the taunting and goading of opponents … Is winning really that important?
•Be gracious in defeat
Deploy good manners and congratulate your opponents on effective play and accept the decisions of the referee with good grace.
•Show a brave face
Smile warmly, and steadfastly refuse to whine, argue or sulk. Your stoical demeanour reveals that you are a civilised human being, who has learnt to control their baser, more primitive – and less than attractive – instincts.
•Enjoy the competition
Applaud and admire skill, finesse and breathtaking talent wherever you encounter it, even if it’s from the opposition.
•Never indulge in gloating
Whooping with delight, strutting triumphantly, aping the celebrations of professional footballers, is not a good look, especially when you are playing a ‘friendly’ game of tiddlywinks.
•Don’t cheat
Profiting from an unfair advantage, covering up an unjust act, or intimidating opponents by words or body language are all prime examples of gamesmanship, which is the antithesis of good sportsmanship.
You may have put a lot of money and thought into your home décor: state-of-the-art electronic equipment, the latest flatscreen TV, collectable furniture and fittings. But there is a danger that it will become a sterile showcase rather than a home.
•Offer hospitality
The more people you invite round to occupy your sacred space the more comfortable it will feel. The atmosphere of your home will be vastly improved by the positive associations that successful hospitality creates.
•Don’t show off
When people visit, resist the temptation to give them a full house tour, complete with long-winded explanations of furniture quests, modern art discoveries, junk shop finds. If your guests like what they see, they will compliment you – there’s no need to belabour the point.
•Don’t panic
If your guests’ possessions clutter pristine spaces or they spill red wine on your white carpet, remind yourself that there is always a solution and concentrate on reassuring, not reproaching, them.
•Know your limits
Match your menu to your skill set and do not attempt haute cuisine unless you have proven culinary credentials. Chopping vegetables, assembling marinades, making a pudding and starter ahead of time, will all pay dividends. You will make cooking the most complex meal look easy, which always impresses.
•Aim to please
Remember that not everyone will appreciate mind-blowing spice or nose-to-tail eating. Don’t turn into a crusader for your own gourmet preferenes; remember the aim is to indulge your guests and ensure that they are satisfied.
If you’re visiting other countries or tourist hotspots, think about the ways in which you can get the best of the experience without imposing on, or inconveniencing, your hosts:
•Learn some key phrases
Take the trouble to learn a few phrases in the local language – you should certainly learn basics like ‘Good morning’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. It will demonstrate your willingness to respect local life and culture.
•Be observant
Respect the residents by taking your eyes off the maps, the app on your phone or your tour guide and observing the people around you. Are you blocking the street to resident pedestrians? Have you stood stock still to get a good photograph, causing a pile-up behind you? Are you causing an obstruction or hindrance?
•Pay compliments
Be complimentary to local residents about the beauty of their city or countryside. Asking advice about local delicacies and expressing delight about local produce or customs, are all good ways of showing the positive face of tourism.
•Exercise self-restraint
Don’t see the anonymity of being a tourist in a foreign land as a chance to let your hair down and behave with uninhibited abandon, ignoring cultural expectations and local rules and regulations.
•Show some respect
Talking loudly and slowly in your own language in the mistaken belief that it will somehow become magically comprehensible is not only bad manners, it is also extremely stupid. Never make entitled demands, only ever make polite requests and always thank residents effusively for any help they offer.
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For many newly-engaged couples, who are embarking on the task of planning and organising their wedding, compiling the all-iimportant guest list is the first hurdle. Navigating each other’s dreams and fantasies, parental expectations, and complex social dynamics can put an emotional strain on couples, but solutions can be found to even the most testing invitation dilemmas.
By the time you are ready to draw up a guest list, you may have attended dozens of friends’ and family members’ weddings and parties. The process of choosing guests, however, is not about returning favours. You should actively want guests to be there, and anyone whose friendship has lapsed, or who might attend with anything but the best of sentiments, should be considered with caution.
Traditionally, in a situation where the wedding was organised and paid for by the bride’s parents, the bride’s mother would send out the invitations. These days, when weddings are organised and financed in a myriad different ways, it is much more common for the couple to take on the responsibility themselves. The person financing the majority of the wedding may expect to have more influence, which is why it is important to have clear and open discussions at an early stage to manage expectations.
Courtesy invitations should be sent out to guests who will be unable to attend, for example due to illness or living overseas.
The best man, all bridesmaids and pages and parents (except any parents who are doing the inviting) should receive a formal invitation as a matter of courtesy. If the person conducting the wedding ceremony is to attend the reception, he or she should also receive an invitation.
The budget and venue size will determine the number of guests. If you have your heart set on a destination wedding venue abroad, accept the fact that you will realistically only be able to invite the ‘top tier’ of guests, and only people very close to you or family members will be able to contemplate the expense and time involved in attending your wedding.
If surrounding yourself with a large crowd of people is much more your style, accept that you might have to make compromises when it comes to your venue. The bijou country house hotel with the garden of your dreams might be far too small for your guest expectations and you will need to decide what is most important to you.
It is sensible to talk through these questions at the outset, before you even begin to compile your list. Once you have decided on the number of guests you can both afford and accommodate, stick to your guns. It is always tempting to slip in extra invitations, or bend your own rules, but if you do so you will find the whole affair is slipping out of control.
If parents are making a substantial contribution to the cost of the wedding, they may well feel that they have a right to ask guests of their own (perhaps friends of theirs who have known you since you were a small child). You will need to discuss this at the outset; as always, a compromise solution is the most sensible, such as agreeing that they can be allocated a certain number of invitations to hand out themselves. This sort of agreement does not need to be restricted to cash-contributing parents, you may want to do it in any case.
It is important, however, that you tactfully establish from the outset that this is primarily your event; you do not want your wedding to be swamped by large numbers of parental invitees or distant relations and you certainly do not want to forfeit your own guests to accommodate parental expectations. Just remember that making a few concessions always eases this type of negotiation.
However, you will also have to bear in mind that certain families and cultures place great emphasis on including large numbers of family guests in wedding celebrations, and going against those expectations might cause a rift. Try and be as diplomatic as possible and, if necessary, be prepared to explain why you consider certain non-family guests essential.
In all these cases, difficulties can be solved by prioritising guests. You can invite ‘top tier’ guests to participate in the whole day – the ceremony, reception, evening party. Guests who do not fall into this category can be invited to post-ceremony celebrations – just add an explanation to the invitation, eg: ‘Owing to the small size of St John’s Church it is possible to ask only very few guests to the service. We hope you will forgive this invitation being to the reception only’.
It is never acceptable to invite a guest to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception.
Start by compiling a draft wish list, adding every person that might possibly be invited. You can then shave this down until you have settled on a realistic number of guests. Keep a record of how those names that did not make the final count to act as a reserve guest list.
Family should come first. If one of you has a much larger family, an equal split might not be possible, and if both families are large, the number of friends on the guest list may have to be a reduced. If there is a marked discrepancy between family size, the bride or groom who has the much smaller list of family invitees should be allowed to compensate by asking more friends.
Keep a record of those you have invited and their responses as they come in. If you receive refusals you can send invitations to those on the reserve list. It’s fine to send out a second wave of invitations as long as you still leave plenty of notice (at least two months before the wedding). You don’t want a late invitation to look like an afterthought.
It can be helpful to manage your guest list by recording invitations sent and responses on a spreadsheet. You can also use this document to record any special dietary requests, or other salient details. It will make managing the event much easier.
Consider whether or not you want to invite partners of guests. There is no general rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her spouse or partner should be invited. Otherwise, and especially if you have not met the partner of the guest in question, it is usually acceptable not to invite them. If you do decide this, communicate it clearly to the guests, pleading logical constraints, desire for an intimate wedding etc.
Try and be consistent. The one exception to this might be a guest who does not know anybody, who you feel would enjoy the day much more if he/she were able to bring a partner. However, bear in mind that these circumstances can usually be alleviated by asking other guests to make a special effort to be sociable.
Note that, when inviting partners, the use of the words ‘and guest’ after a guest’s name should be avoided if at all possible – try to establish names, including surnames.
You will need to decide at the outset if you are going to allow guests to bring children. Remember that if children are to be included you will need to make special catering provision for them and you will also need to put some thought into entertaining them (games, colouring books, employing a ‘nanny’ for the day etc). If you wish to embrace the whole concept of a multi-generational gathering and you would like children to attend, add their names to the invitation, to avoid ambiguity.
If, on the other hand, you would like an adults-only wedding, that is absolutely fine, but you must make it clear when you send out the invitations. Explain your reasons (limited space is always an acceptable excuse) and if there are to be exceptions (eg close family members, bridesmaids, pages), explain that as well so that you do not cause resentment on the day.
Compiling a guest list is always hard and for most people will involve many compromises. Don’t feel bad about the sacrifices you have to make – they’re an inevitable part of the wedding planning process. If you feel concerned that you have had to leave out certain people you can always suggest getting together for a celebratory dinner before or after the event.
When organising the event and inviting them, it is a good idea to deal with the non-appearance of a wedding invitation head on. You can say something like ‘As you’re aware, Tom and I are getting married on Saturday 19th July. Due to the size of the wedding and reception venue, we have had to restrict our guest numbers. We would dearly love to celebrate with you, however, and would be delighted if you could join us for drinks and dinner on….’
Restaurant culture in the UK is changing and some beleaguered chefs and restaurant owners are beginning to ask themselves the question: Is the customer always right? The world of online reviews is now shaping people’s restaurant experience and is certainly influencing how dining choices are made. The fact that a restaurant’s reputation can be demolished by a few seconds of malign keyboard tapping is changing the power balance, sometimes to everyone’s detriment.
There was a time when certain notorious gourmet chefs ruled the roost: customers’ food choices were questioned, special dietary requests were derided and a plea for salt and pepper was snootily denied. This was far from ideal, but with the increasing prevalence of online reviews and reputation management, the ball is now securely back in the customers’ court.
Many restaurateurs are reporting that customers are becoming increasingly stroppy. They are angry that the restaurant in real life does not match up to its website or Instagram images. They are annoyed that they have not been adequately warned about bus lanes, parking restrictions, and one-ways streets around the venue (not in the restaurant’s control). They are enraged by any discrepancies between online menus and the food that is served on the night. They criticise everything from décor and ambience to music and waiting staff.
It is theorised that some of this hyper-criticism is brought on by the rising costs of restaurant meals. As eating out becomes more expensive, some customers become more demanding, seeing the slightest disappointment as a persuasive argument for a refund or compensatory dish.
This hyper-critical tendency is much more damaging when it is taken online and disseminated to the wider world. While nobody would argue that restaurants are beyond criticism, it is important to distinguish between feeling a bit disappointed and feeling justifiably outraged by poor service and inedible, over-priced food.
We’ve looked at both sides of the equation – the customers and the restaurants – and have arrived at the following recommendations:
•Accept reality
Don’t build up a complete set of expectations based on a restaurant’s online presence. Photos can be carefully curated, friends might post positive reviews, customer endorsements are highly selective. We’ve all got a tendency to over-research online and put too much faith in online reviews; sometimes it’s much more effective to peer in a restaurant window, look at the menu, smell the cooking aromas, or politely accost an exiting customer and ask their opinion.
•Keep an open mind
Relish the actual experience, rather than focusing on the ways it is different from your expectations. The décor or menu might be different from the online photos, for example, but consider it on its own terms and be prepared to concede that it works well or is even preferable.
•Analyse your criticism
Sometimes you will find yourself disappointed by a meal, but this is not the fault of the restaurant. It is because you have not chosen wisely, and you may find yourself regretting your choice and feeling jealous of your companions’ meals. If this is the case, you really cannot blame the restaurant – every order you make is a leap of faith; you read the menu description, ask the waiter, think about the ingredients and then take the plunge. You must accept that this process does not always pay off.
•Does your criticism still stand?
If you stand by your criticism and feel that the meal is disappointing because it is poorly cooked, ill-conceived, stingy when it comes to ingredients, overpriced, not the right temperature (the list goes on), you now have a choice. Do you follow the (very British) policy of smiling agreeably when asked if you have enjoyed your meal, while all the time you are contemplating a devastating online review? If this is the case, think carefully before proceeding.
•Can you offer constructive criticism?
Before you take the online route, consider politely conveying your criticism to the waiter. A legitimate critique of a dish is invaluable to a restaurateur; they will understand why you are not entirely satisfied with the meal and will be able to take remedial action. They need considered, rational feedback and will only benefit from it. If you are polite and convey your criticism in a way that sounds helpful, not merely peevish, they will welcome it.
•Do you really need a wider audience?
Consider the downsides of the megaphone approach to criticism. You may well feel that your meal did not come up to expectations, but you must think carefully about whether your criticisms are peculiar to you, or universally applicable. Swamping the internet with negativity is a good way of venting anger and frustration, but do you really want to ruin someone’s business because of something that might be trivial and, more importantly, soluble?
•Is it a hopeless case?
There will inevitably be circumstances when you are outraged by a restaurant. Perhaps you have even complained and have not been satisfied by the response. Maybe the evening has been a chapter of mishaps – from poor service to inedible food, arguments over the bill, and so on. If you think all these shortcomings are an ingrained party of the restaurant culture, rather than an unfortunate night when everything went pear-shaped, then you are justified in leaving a critical online review, for the simple reason that you do not want other people to experience the same problems.
•Are you responsible?
If your customers are berating you for circumstances that are beyond your control (eg noisy building work, obstructive roadworks or draconian parking rules outside your restaurant), you really cannot be held accountable, nor should you be. Apologise as graciously as possible, express your regrets – it’s all you can do.
•Are the criticisms valid?
Some customers will inevitably criticise you for omissions, rather than for what you actually provide. They will be cross that you do not make adequate provision for gluten or lactose intolerant diners or offer enough vegan alternatives. If you are assailed with this sort of criticism, politely point out that your menu reflects what is on offer, and while you will do your best to accommodate your customer’s needs, you are focusing on your speciality dishes. You can always agree with the customer that this could be made clearer online or in the menu and leave it at that – no single restaurant can be expected to accommodate the wide range of dietary preferences and prohibitions that play such an important role in modern food culture.
If a customer goes to the trouble of rationally criticising the food, whether it is online or in person, and explaining why they found it disappointing, you should treat them with respect, acknowledge the criticism and reassure them that you will be addressing it in the future. This is invaluable feedback and will only help you to improve. It goes without saying that criticisms of the service should be immediately addressed with your staff.
•Follow up
If you do encounter negative reviews online, follow them up. Sometimes privately messaging the customer, and engaging in a dialogue with them, can be very productive
•Stay polite
There are reports that some restaurateurs are taking an increasingly hard line with recalcitrant customers. Their frustration is understandable, and it is obviously difficult to run a business when they feel they are being assaulted on all sides, sometimes by people who are just trying it on. But following the adage, the customer is always right, is always advisable. Restaurants are offering a service and keeping the customers happy is central to that mission. Most customers will be reasonable and understanding – it would be a great shame to let a few negative outliers destroy that precious trust.
The celebration of equinoxes and solstices goes back to ancient times and Easter’s roots reach far back into distant, pagan history when a spring festival was a celebration of fertility, rebirth and regeneration. Easter is, of course, a Christian festival, but for many people it is simply a long-awaited celebration of spring, a time to enjoy long hours of daylight, balmy weather and burgeoning nature.
Like all major festivals, Easter has been heavily commercialised, as anyone who has surveyed Easter egg-packed aisles in the supermarket will attest. But despite this cornucopia, Easter is much less freighted with commercial and emotional trappings than Christmas. There is an expectation that we will all enjoy socialising, eating, chocolate-gorging and the great outdoors, possibly with our families. But there are far fewer established norms of behaviour than at Christmas, much less pressure when it comes to buying cards and presents (you can if you want to but it’s not an expectation), and very little sense of homogeneity about Easter celebrations and family get-togethers.
Every family will have its own Easter traditions, or not (it passes some people by completely), and thus Easter entertaining is a much more relaxed affair than the annual Christmas bonanza. If you are choosing to host an Easter lunch or an Easter weekend for friends or family, or if you are a guest at one of these celebrations, bear in mind the following considerations:
•Be cautious about the weather
In the words of the old English proverb, ‘Ne’er cast a clout till May be out’; in other words, don’t cast off your winter wardrobe until spring is truly underway. It is perfectly possible to have beautiful, sunny days in April, but it can also be bitterly cold, or grey and wet, so it is a good idea to plan for these contingencies.
If the weather looks well and truly settled, think about your guests before dragging them all out into your garden for a long, al fresco lunch. At this time of year, the middle of the day can be very warm, but the temperatures drop quickly towards the end of the afternoon. Older guests (and anyone who feels the cold for that matter) might baulk at the prospect of lingering outside as a chill begins to fall. Make sure you’ve got plenty of warm wraps or even a fire pit and be vigilant about your guests’ comfort.
•It’s not all about chocolate
Most children would disagree with this statement, and you would be much reviled if you removed the chocolatey component of the celebrations. But as a guest, it is probably a good idea to eschew gifts of chocolates for Easter hosts – they will have made more than adequate provision for their children (and themselves) already, and a further dose of chocolate might well push the children over the edge. We all know that chocolate highs can make children over-excited and ungovernable. If in doubt about rationing the chocolate, you can always check with your hosts beforehand.
Think about alternative presents for hosts: a bottle of champagne or sparkling wine (or two); a decent bottle of port, cognac or whisky; a lavish spring bouquet or thriving house plant. Instead of bringing chocolate for the children, give them a book, board game, or an Easter-themed soft toy (eg a rabbit) – the choice will depend on their age.
•Think about Easter decorations
Christmas decorations are de rigueur; Easter decorations are much more a matter of personal choice. But it is fun to enjoy the spring/growth/renewal theme by choosing to decorate your table with seasonal spring flowers and blossom.
Children will enjoy hand-painting Easter eggs and the shops provide a rich array of wooden Easter bunnies, fluffy yellow chicks, colourful papier mâché eggs, and so on. These make attractive table decorations or can be put in baskets as prizes for Easter egg hunts.
•Accommodate religious obligations
If you are hosting and you want to go to church on Easter morning, tell your guests that is what you are proposing, invite any guest who would like to join you, but do not expect them all to follow suit – it would be wrong to impose your own religious practices on non-believers.
Similarly, if you are a guest in a household where religion is not practised, warn your host that you would like to go to the local church on Easter morning. The host should make every effort to facilitate this: driving you to the church, walking with you to the church, organising a gang of children to meet you at the church gate, and so on. It is only polite to respect each other’s wishes.
•Is lamb on the menu?
While there is nothing like the ubiquity of turkey at Christmas, many households will go along with the age-old tradition of eating lamb at Easter, which has both Jewish and Christian roots. Many of us will simply opt for lamb because it is at peak quality at this time of year.
However, these days many people are eschewing red meat, or opting to follow vegetarian or vegan diets, so it would be wise for Easter hosts to check with guests beforehand about their eating preferences – it will help with menu planning. If you find yourself confronted by a split table, with some diehard meat-eaters and some vegetarians, you could choose to roast a shoulder of lamb (rather than the much more substantial leg), and also offer an alternative vegetarian or vegan main dish (ideally something that can be prepared in advance and reheated to reduce the pressure on the cook).
If you are a guest who does not eat meat, it would be a good idea to inform your host beforehand – not all hosts will ask you, and the onus is on you to make your dietary preferences known. If you forget to do so and find yourself being offered lamb on Easter Sunday, you will have to grin and bear it. Politely turn down the offer of meat and help yourself to a generous serving of vegetables.
•Check on other people’s Easter plans
Because Easter is less of a big deal than Christmas there is a chance that some friends and family will not be participating in your Easter celebrations. It is always a good idea to check what people (especially older people, or friends or relations who are living alone) are doing over the Easter weekend. It is, after all, a four-day holiday, and if they have not received any invitations, it can be a hard slog negotiating Easter alone. Even if they are not coming to the main Easter Sunday meal, you might be able to suggest alternatives – a walk on bank holiday Monday, or an invitation to join you for tea and hot cross buns on Good Friday, for example. Remember, bank holidays are not everybody’s idea of fun, especially when they reinforce feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Top: A 1923 Easter postcard
In a world where many of us are swamped by digital communications, a tendency to simply not reply is becoming more normal. When it comes to requests or invitations, non-replies are now seen as a way of saying no, albeit a very rude one. Ghosting other people, greeting their every communication with a resounding, and paranoia-inducing silence, has become the default for many people. What is to be done?
The first defence of the most inveterate non-repliers is to plead digital overwhelm. As the number of channels for communicating multiply, many of us are juggling several different communication methods, which may also be divided into work and social options: email, text, WhatsApp, Slack, LinkedIn, various forms of social media – the list goes on. It is not surprising that our phones or computers can feel inundated with requests, demands and invitations.
People respond to this battery in very different ways. At one end of the spectrum are the organised individuals who feel affronted and alarmed by the endless red notifications on their menu bar and who deal with these emotions by making it a point of principle to reply to everything as soon as humanly possible. Of course, the rush to reply might in itself be dangerous, leading to impetuous decisions, over-commitment and badly thought-out responses. Sometimes allocating a little time for careful deliberation is the best policy.
At the other end of the spectrum are the avoiders and procrastinators. They see the incoming messages, register what is being asked of them, and decide to ‘think about it’ and reply later. Inevitably, these deferred emails, texts etc are instantly superseded by a whole new wave of incoming messages and frequently forgotten – hence the deafening silence.
Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum are the people who prioritise. They recognise that not all incoming messages are equal: some can instantly be deleted and ignored; some can be answered easily and immediately and got out of the way; some require more careful deliberation. The trick is keeping track of the latter category. These people are rarely the recipients of ‘follow up’ messages of the ‘I was wondering if you’d had a chance to think about my suggestion….’ variety. When you find yourself receiving lots of these messages it is a sure sign that you are turning into a problem.
Much of this behaviour may be caused by some people’s fear of commitment. A simple invitation or request might throw them into an agony of indecision as they weigh the pros and cons, inevitably leading them to defer the decision.
The inability to refuse is also a major stumbling block for non-repliers. They are asked to do something or attend a social event and their instinct is that they do not want to comply. But they cannot think of a way of politely framing a negative response, so they park the whole problem until a ‘later date’, which often never materialises.
It could be argued that non-replying is a way of asserting control. The inveterate non-replier does not want to be at other people’s beck and call, and obligingly answering their messages promptly feels too much like acquiescing with their timetable.
Instead, non-repliers convince themselves that they are controlling their own narrative. They do not want to embark on a spontaneous exchange or feel pressurised or coerced by other people. This is frequently a response to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and if you’re prone to this reaction, it’s a good idea to examine the underlying reasons and think about how your non-response will look to the other person, who may feel frustrated or exasperated by your silence.
Worst of all are the non-responders who, crippled by their inability to come up with a definitive response, or unable to come up with a polite refusal or let-down, simply delete the emails and hope the whole problem will go away. This is tantamount to hiding behind the curtains when someone comes knocking at your door. They may well suspect that you’re there and your unwillingness to engage with them is infantile and insulting.
If you’re prone to ghosting, you will inevitably find yourself locked in a tedious cycle of making excuses and apologising if you do eventually reply. Every response you send out will be prefaced by a litany of excuses (work pressure, social pressure, family complications, illness, other people’s unavailability and so on). This gets irksome and the more you repeat your excuses the less convincing they will become.
Lurking behind the barrage of excuses is often the very real suspicion that you have simply forgotten to respond, or are unwilling to do so, and nobody wants to feel overlooked or forgotten.
Everybody loves a reply and there is a lot to be said for ‘holding’ messages. This means sending out an acknowledgement, which indicates that you have received and read the incoming message. You can also assure the sender that you will get back to them shortly, in due course, later in the day, and so on.
The important thing here is that you don’t consign this undertaking to oblivion, deluding yourself that you have dealt with it, when in fact you have deferred your response. You will need to find a way of recording any commitments you have made – perhaps noting down the responses you need to make in your diary or digital planner. If you do make good on your promise to respond in due course, the holding message is an excellent device: it makes the sender feel heard and respected and reassures them that a response will be forthcoming.
It is to be hoped that you will dispatch simple replies as soon as you possibly can – it would be foolish to go through the palaver of postponing a simple ‘yes’, ‘no’ or thank you’ response until a later date. So, if you are going to use the holding response, you will need to prioritise messages that need further thought, consultation with other people, or research. The sender will understand the reasons for your delaying tactics but will be gratified by your polite response. Most important of all, they will not feel ghosted or ignored.
Society is becoming increasingly less formal and, for many of us, weddings may well be the most formal events that we will ever attend, although this is not inevitably so, as weddings are also changing and becoming less traditional and bound by convention.
For these reasons, if or when we do receive a stiff, copperplate-engraved invitation to a formal event, it can cause consternation and social anxiety. Events that still follow traditional protocols are generally official, often hosted by an organisation such as a livery company, charity, corporation or business. These events will follow set conventions, including elements of protocol and precedence not usually required at purely social events. Forewarned is forearmed, so we have set down the guidelines for basic guest etiquette – follow these recommendations and you need have no fear of transgressing.
If the invitation specifies ‘and partner’ then the name of the person must be given to the host beforehand, when replying to the invitation. Guests should not bring an unauthorised plus one.
Times of arrival on formal invitations are strictly observed. If a formal invitation says reception 7.30, dinner 8.15, then it is best to arrive at, or very shortly after, the time given. In the case of a genuine delay get a message to the organiser, especially when it is a seated dinner. If it is a stand-up reception, guests don’t need to worry about notifying the organiser but should slip in unobtrusively.
These will be stated clearly on the invitation and should be adhered to. If the most traditional codes (white tie, black tie) are not specified, then err on the side of formality – suits and ties for the men, cocktail or tailored dresses or smart trouser suits for the women.
When there is a formal receiving line a guest may be asked to give their name to an announcer. In this case, always give your full name and title, including ‘Mr’, ‘Mrs’, ‘Miss’ or ‘Ms’. If you have a professional title (eg Dr, Professor), you might choose to use it. Titles do not include prefixes such as ‘The Hon’ or suffixes such as ‘Bt’ or ‘MP’. See the following examples for guidance:
•The Duke of Mayfair; the Earl and Countess of Aldford (peers should give their exact rank)
•Professor James Hill and Mrs Emily Hill; Mr John Adam and Dr Jane Adam
•Mr Richard Masters and Ms Charlotte Lesser
•The traditional form for married couples is as follows: ‘Mr and Mrs John Debrett’. If you prefer, you can opt for ‘Mr John and Mrs Jane Debrett’.
Speak clearly when asked for your name to avoid embarrassing mix-ups and errors. When your name is announced, move forward promptly and greet your hosts briefly (a polite “how do you do?”) is usually sufficient. Don’t get bogged down in elaborate courtesies or small talk – it is important for hosts that the receiving line keeps moving.
If a guest has an allergy or is vegetarian or vegan it is their responsibility to notify the hosts beforehand. If you have not done so, or if there is a mix-up on the night, the polite option is to grin and bear it and not to make a fuss. Don’t take food you cannot eat and leave it, untouched, on your plate; a polite refusal is always preferable. In this context, asking for special drinks or cross-examining harassed waiting staff about ingredients is bad manners.
The usual procedure is to have a drinks reception and then be shown through to a table, where you will be placed according to a seating plan. There might be a grace before the meal, in which case guests should stand with heads slightly bowed. If there are speeches before dinner, these are usually delivered after grace and once all the guests are seated.
Once you are served your food, pause briefly before starting to eat – don’t immediately fall on your food. However, it is not necessary to wait for everyone to be served before starting. Fast eaters may need to slow down to allow time for others to be served at a large gathering. Slow eaters should also be aware of others and not delay the staff.
At the end of the dinner there may be a toast, for which the guests will stand. There may be a grace, followed by speeches.
Certain institutions, such as Oxbridge colleges, have a table, usually literally raised on some kind of dais, a reminder of ancient customs and the banqueting halls of the Middle Ages. It is usual for those seated on the ordinary tables to be shown to their seats first and then for those at the high table to come into the room. Those at the ordinary tables will stand to greet them.
Certain institutions have particular traditions, such as greeting guests of honour with a slow handclap. Guests will almost certainly have had this explained to then, but if not then take a cue from others rather than being the first to make a move.
Many formal invitations will include the wording ‘Carriages at xx o’clock’ or state the time the event finishes. As with arrivals, these guidelines are normally closely followed. If a guest knows they will have to leave early, they should notify the organiser. Otherwise, it is best to slip away discreetly.
At the end of the event the host or organiser may place themselves in a position near the door for leave-taking, in which case guests should say goodbye and thank you. If the host is not in evidence, or has been caught up talking to another guest, it is quite acceptable to slip away without announcing your departure.
Guests should send a prompt formal thank-you letter (ie handwritten in ink), to the main host or organiser whose name was on the invitation. If the invitation has come to the guest through another individual, who was not the main host, for example a member of an organisation, then that person should be thanked.
If the event in question was a charity fundraiser, for which the guest has bought a table, or brought guests, then they need not thank the host by letter (unless they want to congratulate them on an exceptional event). The chair of the charity (or one of the organising committee members) should, however, write to thank everyone who has taken a table or supported the event, with a report about the sum raised, and a brief explanation, such as: ‘It will go towards the MRI scanner’.
We live in a world of online communications, where mistakes are magnified, and we need to take care. Our phones and computers give us the opportunity to write texts, emails, messages or posts without much deliberation or forethought and spontaneously press ‘send’. The deed is done, and the tangible results are out there for all to see. An embarrassing faux-pas is witnessed by a potentially large (and expanding) number of followers and it cannot be deleted.
It is vital that we remind ourselves that the internet might appear to be about instantaneous communication, fleeting stories and fast-paced interactions. All this is true, but it is also true that everything is retained. We cannot undo our communications, and we cannot control how other people choose to handle them (screenshots, copy and pasting, forwarding, re-posting). The minute we press that seductive send button, our message is outside our control. And we all know that a diligent researcher can unearth our more embarrassing or offensive posts or indiscreet photographs with disastrous consequences.
None of this information comes as a surprise to anybody, but we are still remarkably casual about how we handle the digital world. Intellectually we know that our modest message in a bottle could go viral (or at least reach many people), but we never seem to be able to fully discard the illusion that we are simply communicating with our own inner circle of like-minded friends, associates or colleagues, with potentially harmful consequences.
It is essential that we take care online. We have put together the following guidelines, which also addresses the aftermath of a careless mistake:
•Spell and Sense Check
We’ve all become transfixed by our own speediness and ability to multi-task; we type while we talk or walk, we fire off texts with impressive keyboard dexterity. But inevitably we make mistakes, and spell-checkers are not reliable safety nets. In fact, they quite often substitute their own quirky (and baffling) alternatives for misspelt or less commonly used words, with predictably confusing, and frustrating, results.
Try and get into the habit of pausing after you’ve dashed off a digital missive, and carefully reading what you’ve written. It will cost you a few seconds but save you an ocean of embarrassment.
•Language check
It’s not just about the spelling and grammar, you also need to think about the tone and sense of what you’ve written. Humour is particularly precarious territory – your sarcastic wind-ups might cause an amused titter amongst your friends, and fire up real feelings of outrage amongst people who don’t know you as well. Irony is hard to convey in short texts or posts and subtle emotions often get lost in translation.
Beware the regrettable tendency to use capital letters, exclamation marks and strings of emojis for emphasis. The texts come across as needlessly hectoring and aggressive and, because they deploy non-subtle language tools, people will also find them infantile.
•Recipient Check
Our technology, with its helpful ability to record names and contact details on all our devices, can sometimes work against us. If you are doing your texting and emailing at a headlong, heedless pace, you may well find yourself adding the wrong recipient to email chain or inviting an unintended guest to your group chat. Most of the time this is merely embarrassing, but we’ve all seen the dire consequences of these basic errors, sometimes amongst high-ranking individuals in top government chat groups, so it really does pay to take the time to check.
If you send an email or text to the wrong recipient, immediately contact them, apologise and correct the error. With any luck, your mistake won’t be too embarrassing, but if you’ve really blundered, you might need to eat humble pie.
•Thread Check
This is a pitfall that is particularly common when forwarding emails. A whole thread is sent on, and buried deep in the communications, there is some sensitive information, or an insulting remark, or some intelligence that is not for general consumption. It is very easy to just focus on the most recent email when pressing the ‘Forward’ button, and overlook the long history that inevitably comes with it, but all those previous communications are potentially incriminating, so it pays to be extra-vigilant.
•Impact on other people check
This is a posting pitfall, and it involves thinking carefully before posting and assessing if anyone is going to suffer because of your post. It could be a photograph where a friend or associate is clearly visible, and tagged, in an embarrassing situation. It could be gossip that might find its way to the wrong person, or you might be breaching confidentiality, or spilling the beans about someone else’s secrets without really meaning to. Think through the consequences, both to you and other people, of everthing you post.
•Apologise to everyone, promptly
When it all goes wrong, it is essential that you apologise as soon as possible. If you’ve posted something that has gone viral for all the wrong reasons, immediately refute it with a public apology. If your slapdash behaviour online has had an impact on just one person, write them a personal, and heartfelt, note of apology. Do not let the offence linger, unaddressed and festering, in the digital space.
•Take full responsibility
Part of apologising effectively is taking full responsibility for your error. You will need to give an explanation for your mistake, even if it is simply admitting that you have been unforgivably careless. Don’t make excuses (stress, deadlines, distractions etc) – they really won’t mitigate the offence. Don’t blame other people or plead ignorance; the fact is we’re all personally responsible for what we say online, and we should only put ourselves out there if we’ve got something to say and are willing take responsibility for saying it.
•Don’t go into attack mode
Never attack the people who are pillorying or criticising you for your mistake. It is a very common defensive posture to meet criticism with head-on aggression, but this will only compound the mistake and make people feel even more angry with you.
•Know when to move on
Don’t get dragged into endless chats about your online shortcomings. As long as you have acknowledged your mistake and apologised for it, you have done the best you can, and we all have to understand that mistakes, however regrettable, will be made. Getting caught up in endless post-mortems is only going to keep the offence alive, so do your best to draw a line under it – this might mean withdrawing from the online world for a spell, or moderating your input into group chats and forums, which will allow the dust to settle.
Greeting Card Association data reveals that the British spend significantly more on greetings cards than any other nation, a total of over £1.5 billion per annum, with 94 per cent of the population buying into the sector. Despite the advance of digital communications, greetings cards are still big business in the UK.
Clearly, we still value tangible objects over transitory digital greetings. E-cards are a compromise, and some of them are very ingenious, incorporating clever animation, but recipients will never quite shake off the feeling that they have been sent as a last-minute gesture (perhaps the vital posting date was forgotten) and may also have been deployed to avoid rising postal costs.
Physical cards are demonstrable proof that an effort has been made – from selecting the card to writing the message, finding the address, buying the stamp and posting it. They are also objects that can be displayed on a windowsill or mantlepiece, prolonging the pleasure they give, and can even be retained as a keepsake.
Given that we all appear to be supportive of the notion of greetings cards, we should also be aware of the following considerations:
Greeting cards are an excellent gesture on many occasions, but there are times when they are used as a lazy shorthand to convey complex messages.
If, for example, you are sending condolences following a bereavement, it is tempting to grab a ‘With Sympathy’ card off the rack. But this generic message, while it is certainly better than nothing, will be nowhere near as memorable as a handwritten letter of condolence, in which you talk about the deceased, share some memories, or mention ways in which they had an impact on your own life. In these circumstances, a card is a short cut, and a letter would always be preferable.
If you are sending the card as a thank you, for greetings or hospitality, beware the temptation of allowing the generic message to do the heavy lifting. It is fine to send a card, but only if you are prepared to write a short note of thanks inside – this should always incorporate a specific comment about the gift or hospitality, for example a reference to the excellent dinner and congenial company or a short sentence about how you plan to use or enjoy the gift. Merely saying ‘thank you’ is not good enough.
There is a vast choice of cards available these days, and the act of choosing a card has hence become charged with significance. You could, of course, go for the safest option and choose a bland image of flowers or animals, or a reproduction of a much-loved, and frequently reproduced, painting, such as John Constable’s The Haywain. These cards are perfectly inoffensive, but the recipient might feel that not much attention has been paid to their individual tastes and personality.
Many people find the safest option is to choose a card that reflects some facet of the recipient’s personality or lifestyle. If they are a dog-lover or golf fanatic, for example, there are plenty of cards out there that will reflect these passions. Choosing a card that chimes with their tastes and interests introduces a gratifying level of personalisation.
If you are using your greeting card to actively engage with the recipient and make them laugh, then you might be moving into more dangerous territory. There are millions of humorous cards produced every year, and they range from the subtle to the abusive and obscene. Sending cards at the latter end of this spectrum inevitably requires careful consideration. How well do you know the recipient? Do you understand their sense of humour? Are they sensitive or easily upset? Do they come from an older, more easily shocked, generation? Is the message the card sends open to damaging misinterpretation?
The last thing we want to do is to send a poisonous missive in the post under the mistaken impression that it will cause hilarity and appreciation. As with giving presents, it is vital when selecting cards not to purchase items on the grounds that you would choose them for yourself. While you may find them amusingly provocative, spare a thought for the recipient. Tailor your choice to a careful understanding of their taste and personality.
Cards that incorporate your own artwork or photography are often even more appreciated than shop-bought alternatives. They demonstrate that you have gone to a great deal of trouble and the amount of effort you have made generally correlates with recipient satisfaction.
However, be wary about sending photographs of yourself or your family. With the exception of pictures of small children, designed to be sent to doting members of the immediate family, photographs of family groups or individuals have a tendency to look like self-promotion and – unless they are engaged in an amusing or self-mocking situation – can come across as smug and self-satisfied. After all, the card is about the recipient not the sender.
Unless you are handing over the card in person, ensure that the envelope is handwritten (avoid printed labels) and stamped. If a card has been put through an office franking machine it looks like you have taken an easy option, and the whole point of sending cards is that you have made an effort. It will be much appreciated.
