This week saw the return of Wimbledon, an erstwhile garden-party tournament, which began in 1877 and is one of the world’s favourite sporting events. With its immaculate grass tennis courts, smartly dressed crowds and marquees dispensing quintessential British summer treats such as Pimms and strawberries, Wimbledon is a genteel reminder of everything we have missed over the last year.
The return of some of the key events of the traditional British Season is a sure sign that we are slowly, and cautiously, returning to normality. Covid restrictions (and unpredictable British weather) notwithstanding, the Season is an opportunity to dress up, see and be seen, and enjoy the undoubted glamour of these long-standing events.
The traditional Season was defined by the movements of the royal family, who were in residence in the capital from April to July and from October until Christmas. During these months, the aristocracy and members of the ruling classes made it their custom to reside in London.
By the late 18th century the Social Season had become firmly anchored in the marriage market for the upper echelons of society. Well-bred girls became ‘debutantes’ when they were launched into society at the age of 17 or 18 with a formal introduction to the monarch and a debut at the high-profile ball, followed by a whirlwind six months of parties, dances and special events. Gradually these events – which ranged from balls and concerts to sporting events and horseracing – became milestones in the British social calendar, a socially circumscribed ritual that changed very little until the middle of the 20th century.
Today, the traditional Season, with its trappings of debutantes, Court presentations, balls and parties, has all but disappeared. What remains, however, is a well-loved round of events that are still regarded as highlights of the British social calendar. Many of them have returned in 2021, so brush up on your dress codes, dust down your picnic hamper, and get ready for a truly social summer.
The remaining highlight of the flat racing season is Glorious Goodwood (Royal Ascot and the Epsom Derby have been and gone). This prestigious racing festival (27–31 July) is attended by the racing aristocracy and celebrities, and the emphasis is on smart clothes, flamboyant hats, champagne and picnic hampers.
As an island nation we are preoccupied by the sea, and the joy of sailing has become enshrined in our social calendar with historic events such as Cowes and Dartmouth Royal Regatta (26–28 August). These tests of sailing skills originate in the early 19th century, when gentlemen of leisure began to take an active interest in yachting.
One of the most historic yachting events, and a firm fixture on the calendar of the social season, is Cowes Week (31 July–7 August), which dates back to 1826. We also enjoy a venerable tradition of competitive rowing in the UK, which was seen as a suitable sport for gentlemen amateurs. In 1829 a rowing race challenge was held between teams representing Oxford and Cambridge at Henley-on-Thames. While the university boat race moved to a course nearer London in 1839, competitive rowing continued at Henley, and another milestone in the English social season, the Henley Royal Regatta (29 June–4 July), was born.
As a season of summer sports gets underway, fans are enjoying a wealth of choice; Euros football, Wimbledon, Test cricket, the Olympic Games. Whatever your particular sporting passion, you no doubt watch these events in a spirit of nail-biting partisanship, flaunting your own allegiances and denigrating your opponents. Passionate loyalty to a team or player is the essence of being a sports fan, but when does winning at all costs become problematic?
In days gone by, generations of British schoolchildren were taught that, while they should always have a highly developed sense of competition, they should never let competitiveness debase their conduct.
It’s not all about winning the game, it’s about playing well. This means being magnanimous in victory and gracious in defeat. Sportsmanship is no more than good manners: congratulating your opponents on effective play, accepting the decisions of the referee/umpire with good grace – absolutely no whining, arguing, sulking or triumphal strutting.
Gamesmanship can be defined as the art of winning unfairly at sport without actually cheating. Profiting from an unfair advantage, covering up an unjust act, or intimidating opponents by words or body language are all prime examples of gamesmanship, which is the antithesis of good sportsmanship.
Unfortunately, histrionic questioning of line calls, hectoring and haranguing referees and umpires, and taunting and goading opponents permeate all levels of professional sport, from tennis to football. This behaviour is increasingly tolerated because it is seen as a justifiable manifestation of extreme competitiveness. It is scarcely surprising, therefore, that amateurs are aping the hyper-competitive attitudes of the professionals, and bending the rules in order to win.
Refrain from any temptation to employ these tactics. Good manners in sport are paramount, as in other aspects of life. Even if this means you lose again and again, at least you will be doing it gracefully. And if your only engagement with sport is from a position on the sidelines, remember that you are there for the love of sport. Applaud and admire skill, finesse and breathtaking talent wherever you encounter it, even if it’s from the opposition.
Our lives continue to be restricted by Covid and large parties are not on the horizon for the next few weeks. So we need to really enjoy and exploit the social opportunities that are available to us – small gatherings in the garden, dinner parties and overnight stays.
Having people to stay requires both preparation and adaptability. The visit will run much more smoothly if you think carefully about catering, outings and so on. But it is also vital to be relaxed and flexible, to respond to your guests’ moods and requirements, and to give them space to do their own thing.
Golden Rules for Hosts
Now that the lifting of lockdown restrictions has permitted us to throw open our doors, and our spare rooms, to friends and family, it is time to remind ourselves of the basic recommendations for staying overnight in other people’s houses.
Some people are the perfect house guests. They arrive on time, bearing carefully-chosen gifts, regale you with amusing anecdotes, wash up, make their own beds and leave early in the morning.
Others invite themselves, come late (or early), only remember to warn you of their food intolerances as you’re putting plates of lovingly-prepared but unsuitable food in front of them, loll nonchalantly – while drinking your best wine and boring on about their lives – as you clear up around them, and leave their room looking like a bomb site.
The difference between the paragon and the pest is that with the former, your only memory of their visit is of laughter and entertainment, and with the latter, you’re working to erase both the physical detritus and your feelings of irritation for days afterwards.
Follow our Golden Rules for House Guests for perfectly enjoyable guest experiences.
GOLDEN RULES FOR HOUSE GUESTS
If you are a visitor, follow an easy code of behaviour to avoid forever queering your pitch with hospitable friends.
Restrictions are lifting and finally the great British summer has arrived. Where better to salute the beginnings of normality than in a traditional English pub? As you settle down for that celebratory pint, you might like to ponder the origins of the pub’s name.
Traditional British pub names have long been intertwined with royalty and nobility, so to celebrate the return of a very British institution, here’s Debrett’s royal history of pub names in the UK.
ROYAL FAVOURITES: The Red Lion, The Crown
The Red Lion is the most common pub name in the UK. It rose in popularity following the union of the Scottish and English crowns in 1603 when King James I and VI of Scotland ordered that the heraldic red lion of Scotland be displayed on all buildings of importance. Canny publicans over the centuries have opted for the simpler The Crown, which shows loyalty but never needs changing – perhaps why it’s the second most common name.
BATTLE ROYAL: The Rose & Crown and Royal Oak
The Royal Oak, Britain’s third most common pub, honours of the future Charles II, who hid from pursuing Roundheads in an oak tree a short distance from Boscobel House in Staffordshire, after his defeat at the Battle of Worcester in 1651. The name Rose & Crown celebrates the end of the War the Roses when Henry Tudor married Elizabeth York.
OFF WITH HER HEAD: The King’s/Queen’s Head and King’s/Queen’s Arms
Pubs called The King’s/Queen’s Head are named not after grisly beheadings but their signs, loyally bearing a portrait of a monarch. The King’s/Queen’s Arms, meanwhile, are in reference to coats of arms rather than in homage to royal limbs. Modern protocol dictates reigning monarchs should not be depicted on pub signs during their lifetime so pubs named after queens are usually in honour of Elizabeth I or Victoria.
ROYAL SONS: The Prince of Wales and Duke of York
Prince of Wales and Duke of York, titles traditionally bestowed on the oldest and second sons of the monarch respectively, are common – the Prince of Wales is the most popular pub name in London. Most pubs named the Prince of Wales refer to Albert Edward, son of Victoria and later Edward VII. He served as Prince of Wales for almost 60 years before becoming King Edward VII in 1901.
UNOFFICIAL BUSINESS: Mrs Fitzherbert’s and the Nell Gwynne
It isn’t only members of the Royal family who get a nod from publicans but royal mistresses, too. Mrs Fitzherbert’s in Brighton is named after Maria Anne Fitzherbert, the Roman Catholic, twice-widowed long-time companion of George IV. The Nell of Old Drury and The Nell Gwynne Tavern in London bear the name of ‘pretty, witty’ actress Eleanor ‘Nell’ Gwynne, who grew up in the area around Covent Garden and worked as a fruit seller in the market before taking to the stage and catching the eye of King Charles II. The pair are said to have met up using a secret tunnel running from the Theatre Royal to the inn now known as The Nell of Old Drury.
PUBS ON TOUR? The Devonshire Arms and Shrewsbury Arms
Derbyshire and Devon may be over 200 miles apart but there are three pubs named The Devonshire Arms within five miles of each other in Derbyshire. The reason? Chatsworth house, the family seat of the Duke of Devonshire, is near Bakewell in the county. The three Shrewsbury Arms within 30 miles of Chester are explained by the long connection of the Earls of Shrewsbury, regarded as the Premier Earl of England, with Cheshire, running back to the 2nd Earl who was Chief Justice of Chester in 1459.
HERALDRY: The White Hart, White Swan and White Horse
Many pubs are named in honour of royalty with reference to an element of their coats of arms. The White Hart was the badge of Richard II, The White Swan could be Henry IV, V or VI while The White Horse could be part of the Hanoverian coat of Arms.
THE NEXT GENERATION: The Cambridges
A pub named The Duchess of Cambridge opened in Windsor two months after the royal wedding in 2011 and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s children all have pubs named after them: The Prince George in Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, The Princess Charlotte in Colchester, Essex, and The Prince Louis in Great Notley, Essex.
Thank you cards or letters – for gifts, hospitality, favours – are not optional, they are an absolute necessity. The silence that follows giving a present, or throwing a dinner party, becomes eloquent and ominous with significance. The unfortunate host or benefactor will naturally leap to the conclusion that their present or hospitality has been found severely wanting. The reality might be no more threatening than laziness or bad manners, but the damage is done…
So make it a golden rule that you always write to say thank you. A substantial present, lavish hospitality, a weekend stay are all occasions that demand a fully-fledged thank you letter, which is devoid of clichés and replete with references to specifics (the absolute rightness of the present, the wonderful company and food at dinner, and so on).
There may be some exceptions. You might, for example, have received, opened and exclaimed over a present with such breathless enthusiasm that a follow-up letter seems de trop. Or you might feel that the casual supper party doesn’t warrant the formality of a handwritten thank you note – a quick call or text of thanks the next day seems perfectly adequate. But you can always do better than merely adequate. If you are in doubt, these are occasions when a thank you card, with a short personal note added, is entirely appropriate.
Whether you’re writing a thank you letter or a short note, ensure that your thanks are never dutiful and banal. Avoid clichéd phrases such as “Thank you for the xxxxxxx, it’s just what I always wanted”. The simple route to thank you success is to always zero in on the particular. If you’re thanking someone for a present, no matter how dull, find something specific to say about it. – “thank you so much for the socks – the grey will go really well with my work suit” – is a heroic effort to gloss over possibly the most boring present ever.
This principle should also be applied to thanks for hospitality. Don’t come up with the ‘we had a lovely time’ formula. Comment, instead, on the deliciousness of the food, the beauty of the country walk, the excellent wine… If the weekend was a comically awful disaster, you might even be able to make a joke of it (“I thought we were all going to be incinerated when your flambéed sauce got out of control, but James was a real fire-fighting hero!”).
Always send a handwritten letter or note. Certainly, emails are preferable to no thank you at all, but they are a second-best option. Emails are graceless, bureaucratic, and carry the associations of work and businesslike despatch of duties. Handwritten notes, however, are deeply personal, tangible objects, and – above all – they look like you’ve actually gone to some trouble (penning the note, choosing appropriate stationery, locating a stamp, walking to the post box). The effort you have made will be seen as commensurate with your gratitude.
Finally, thank you notes and letters – like all good manners – should gloss over failures and disappointments. The fact that the present was a grotesque travesty, or the evening was a social disaster should never be reflected in your note. Part of the fun of being a good thanker is to always find something positive to say, no matter how severe the provocation…
Since 17 May we have been given permission to hug and shake hands, and the expectation is that the weird world of Covid greeting protocols will soon be behind us. But many people will not be ready to calibrate their greetings by the government-approved calendar, and will still be feeling nervous about physical contact.
These are early post-lockdown days, and it would therefore be wise to approach the complicated world of Covid greetings with a degree of circumspection.
If you are tending to feel cautious, or a bit anxious, then you will need to prepare yourself for the onslaught. If you see someone coming in for a hug or handshake take a decisive step back, flash a rueful smile and say something deprecating like ’I’m so sorry, I’m still being super-cautious.’ In these unusual circumstances, a verbal explanation will go a long way towards mitigating any social confusion.
Alternatively you can use humour to deflect the enthusiastic greeter. Head the hugger or handshaker off at the pass by waving and blowing semi-ironic kisses from a safe distance.
If your greeter’s enthusiasm and momentum remains unchecked, brandish a defensive elbow. If necessary, an ‘It’s all about elbow bumps now, isn’t it?’ remark should stop them in their tracks. Politicians, who are inveterate handshakers, are all having recourse to this faintly comical greeting. While it lacks the sobriety and gravitas of a firm handshake, it is at least friendly and light-hearted.
If all else fails, and you’re confronted by a determined hugger, turn your face away when embracing, looking over the hugger’s shoulder.
If you have thrown caution to the winds and are keen to greet your friends, family and colleagues with hugs and handshakes, it is a good idea to look out for tell-tale signs of anxiety or unwillingness in your targets. If someone flinches and takes a step back from your proffered embrace or handshake, it’s pretty obvious they’re not ready for physical contact. Don’t be offended or take it personally; defuse a potentially embarrassing situation by shrugging and saying something along the lines of ‘Sorry I’m getting a bit carried away!’ OR ‘Oh dear, you’re obviously being a bit more cautious than me…’ It really is best to verbally comment on it, rather than let it fester.
Whatever your attitude to physical greetings, now is the time to be observant and sensitive, ready to adjust your behaviour at a moment’s notice and to be tolerant of other people’s fears and foibles.
Is it really necessary to text ahead to arrange a phone call? Nearly all of us carry around mobile phones, packing a wealth of processing power in our pockets. But the simplest function of all – making a phone call – has now become a bit of a minefield.
Members of the older generation, who perhaps grew up with a ‘telephone table’ in the hall on which a large phone squatted like a household deity, will probably find this a vexed question. They were trained to respond instantly to its insistent ringing and, in the days before answering machines, a phone call was an all or nothing affair.
But increasingly, and especially amongst younger, more habitual mobile phone users, it is considered rude and intrusive to pick up the phone and simply make a phone call. Instead, it is customary to send a text message first, asking when it would be appropriate to call. This cautious approach makes the phoning procedure highly premeditated, when once it was an impromptu gesture.
As people become more stressed and life’s pressures take their toll, it seems that they feel increasingly persecuted by the jarring ring of the phone. An unplanned phone call may be an announcement of bad news, or simply an invasion of peace and privacy, which will send anxiety levels spiking. For many people, it is a basic act of politeness to ensure that friends are forewarned of phone calls and given the chance to consent to receive them.
Some people will resist this circumspect approach; after all, most mobile phones display the caller’s details, so it is easy enough to vet incoming calls and perhaps call back at a more convenient time. But for the more sensitive amongst us, even a ‘missed call’ message may feel invasive.
It is certainly true that phone calls are much more likely to be ‘arranged’ in the current lockdown. We’re all suffering from a paucity of social contact and therefore phone calls are a real lifeline. People are increasingly scheduling calls, which allows them to dispense with potential distractions, and perhaps settle down to enjoy a long chat with a cup of tea or a glass of wine.
Even when life returns to normal, it is likely that the new, tentative phone etiquette is here to stay. We may have lost the spontaneity of the spur-of-the-moment phone call, but we have learned to respect, and value, each other’s time.
Today the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary and at Debrett’s we are pondering the significance of wedding anniversaries. These marital milestones are reassuring rites, and also offer a timely excuse for indulgent gifts and enjoyable celebrations.
Anniversaries are an excellent reminder of the solidity of a marriage, its growing longevity commemorated and celebrated on an annual basis. They offer a valuable opportunity to pause and take stock of the previous year, review the whole span of married life, and rejoice.
The tradition of celebrating wedding anniversaries is rooted in the Middle Ages, when the milestones of 25th and 50th wedding anniversaries – comparatively rare events when life expectancy was short – were celebrated with silver and gold wreaths, which the husband bestowed on his wife. For those unable to afford such precious metals, symbolic gifts had to suffice. Gradually, more significant dates were added to the anniversary calendar; Queen Victoria’s diamond jubilee celebrated 60 years on the throne, and diamonds became associated with 60th wedding anniversaries. It was also during the Victorian era that wood came to represent the fifth wedding anniversary, and it was common for husbands to hand-carve mementoes for their wives.
A detailed list of wedding anniversary symbols (see below) is now recognised, but it is important to bear in mind that the list is merely a suggestion, not a prescriptive set of instructions. Many people will enjoy the challenge of taking an unpromising material, for example tin, and finding a creative way of utilising it in an anniversary gift. But it is a rare person who will eschew a diamond eternity ring or engraved watch as an anniversary gift just because, strictly speaking, their present should have been made of china or wood.
The important thing is to remember the anniversary, without hints or prompting, and to make arrangements to celebrate it – a card, a gift, a special dinner, an outing. No spouse will appreciate his or her anniversary morning being greeted with obliviousness, followed by a last-minute dash to the florist or off-licence. While some people are stalwart agnostics when it comes to ‘manufactured’ celebrations, most people will respect the tradition of marking another year of connubial bliss, and will be disappointed if it is forgotten or ignored.
British Wedding Anniversaries
1. Paper
2. Cotton
3. Leather
4. Flowers, fruit
5. Wood
6. Sugar
7. Wool, copper
8. Bronze, pottery
9. Willow, pottery
10. Tin
11. Steel
12. Silk, linen
13. Lace
14. Ivory
15. Crystal
20. China
25. Silver
30. Pearl
35. Coral
40. Ruby
45. Sapphire
50. Gold
55. Emerald
60. Diamond
70. Platinum
