Is it really necessary to text ahead to arrange a phone call? Nearly all of us carry around mobile phones, packing a wealth of processing power in our pockets. But the simplest function of all – making a phone call – has now become a bit of a minefield.
Members of the older generation, who perhaps grew up with a ‘telephone table’ in the hall on which a large phone squatted like a household deity, will probably find this a vexed question. They were trained to respond instantly to its insistent ringing and, in the days before answering machines, a phone call was an all or nothing affair.
But increasingly, and especially amongst younger, more habitual mobile phone users, it is considered rude and intrusive to pick up the phone and simply make a phone call. Instead, it is customary to send a text message first, asking when it would be appropriate to call. This cautious approach makes the phoning procedure highly premeditated, when once it was an impromptu gesture.
As people become more stressed and life’s pressures take their toll, it seems that they feel increasingly persecuted by the jarring ring of the phone. An unplanned phone call may be an announcement of bad news, or simply an invasion of peace and privacy, which will send anxiety levels spiking. For many people, it is a basic act of politeness to ensure that friends are forewarned of phone calls and given the chance to consent to receive them.
Some people will resist this circumspect approach; after all, most mobile phones display the caller’s details, so it is easy enough to vet incoming calls and perhaps call back at a more convenient time. But for the more sensitive amongst us, even a ‘missed call’ message may feel invasive.
It is certainly true that phone calls are much more likely to be ‘arranged’ in the current lockdown. We’re all suffering from a paucity of social contact and therefore phone calls are a real lifeline. People are increasingly scheduling calls, which allows them to dispense with potential distractions, and perhaps settle down to enjoy a long chat with a cup of tea or a glass of wine.
Even when life returns to normal, it is likely that the new, tentative phone etiquette is here to stay. We may have lost the spontaneity of the spur-of-the-moment phone call, but we have learned to respect, and value, each other’s time.
Today the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary and at Debrett’s we are pondering the significance of wedding anniversaries. These marital milestones are reassuring rites, and also offer a timely excuse for indulgent gifts and enjoyable celebrations.
Anniversaries are an excellent reminder of the solidity of a marriage, its growing longevity commemorated and celebrated on an annual basis. They offer a valuable opportunity to pause and take stock of the previous year, review the whole span of married life, and rejoice.
The tradition of celebrating wedding anniversaries is rooted in the Middle Ages, when the milestones of 25th and 50th wedding anniversaries – comparatively rare events when life expectancy was short – were celebrated with silver and gold wreaths, which the husband bestowed on his wife. For those unable to afford such precious metals, symbolic gifts had to suffice. Gradually, more significant dates were added to the anniversary calendar; Queen Victoria’s diamond jubilee celebrated 60 years on the throne, and diamonds became associated with 60th wedding anniversaries. It was also during the Victorian era that wood came to represent the fifth wedding anniversary, and it was common for husbands to hand-carve mementoes for their wives.
A detailed list of wedding anniversary symbols (see below) is now recognised, but it is important to bear in mind that the list is merely a suggestion, not a prescriptive set of instructions. Many people will enjoy the challenge of taking an unpromising material, for example tin, and finding a creative way of utilising it in an anniversary gift. But it is a rare person who will eschew a diamond eternity ring or engraved watch as an anniversary gift just because, strictly speaking, their present should have been made of china or wood.
The important thing is to remember the anniversary, without hints or prompting, and to make arrangements to celebrate it – a card, a gift, a special dinner, an outing. No spouse will appreciate his or her anniversary morning being greeted with obliviousness, followed by a last-minute dash to the florist or off-licence. While some people are stalwart agnostics when it comes to ‘manufactured’ celebrations, most people will respect the tradition of marking another year of connubial bliss, and will be disappointed if it is forgotten or ignored.
British Wedding Anniversaries
1. Paper
2. Cotton
3. Leather
4. Flowers, fruit
5. Wood
6. Sugar
7. Wool, copper
8. Bronze, pottery
9. Willow, pottery
10. Tin
11. Steel
12. Silk, linen
13. Lace
14. Ivory
15. Crystal
20. China
25. Silver
30. Pearl
35. Coral
40. Ruby
45. Sapphire
50. Gold
55. Emerald
60. Diamond
70. Platinum
Most people, at some point in their lives, refrain from alcohol. On occasions, refusal of alcohol is for perfectly clear medical reasons (booze may clash with prescription drugs, or an operation is impending, or the person is pregnant). At other times, it is more clearly a case of self-imposed abstinence: this can range from a few weeks ‘clean-living’ to a committed campaign to kick the drink habit once and for all.
The last year of intermittent lockdowns has been hard going for many of us, and the myriad variety of coping strategies have ranged from super-healthy exercise mania at one end of the spectrum to slumped couch potato at the other. It is certainly true that a lot of people found themselves eating or drinking to excess.
Now, as lockdown eases, we find ourselves back in the real world and for many people it has become imperative to lose the extra pounds and banish the drinking habit.
Whatever the reason, a decision has been made, and must be respected. Now that we’re all hosting again (albeit in a limited way), we may find ourselves confronted with a refusal of drink from a guest. Never question why this is happening; never cajole, or plead, or tease. You may be understandably disappointed that they’re not joining in the party fun, especially after the long months of social abstinence, but you must never let this show – meet their refusal with good grace and offer a tempting range of alcohol-free drinks.
If you are the teetotaller, however temporary, you must also mind your manners. Refuse a drink politely; give an explanation if you think that helps. Never act the martyr, miserably cradling your mineral water as the party takes off around you. Never lecture your fellow guests about the benefits of an alcohol-free existence.
If you are sober, intoxicated company can be baffling; conversations meander, arguments break out for no reason, non-jokes are met with general hilarity. If you are unable to cope with this alcohol-induced anarchy, don’t socialise with heavy drinkers. If you can endure these antics without a censorious air, you will be worth your weight in gold – the one sober guest at the end of the evening who is able to sort out the increasingly unruly guests, locate scattered belongings, confiscate car keys, and post them home in a taxi.
Just remember the next morning, when you’re enjoying a virtuous, hangover-free breakfast, that pointing out the benefits of alcohol-free living to bleary family and friends is a transgression that will not be easily forgotten.
As we all take our first steps, somewhat shell-shocked, out of lockdown, the great British barbecue has moved centre stage, enabling us to eat and entertain outdoors, without fear of breaching regulations. But it would be foolish to ignore the vagaries of the British weather, and as balmy spring days alternate with freezing wintry relapses, keep your eye on the forecasts, stock up with warm blankets, or better still provide some form of outdoor heating.
Prepare
Provide
Advise
Enjoy
We have now passed the first milestone on the route out of lockdown and will be able to enjoy sharing Easter with groups of six in our gardens or in the local park. This is an ideal opportunity to honour the historic tradition of the Easter egg hunt, which can be conducted outside, and is a sociable way of containing children’s pent-up energy and chocolate lust.
Children will enjoy their Easter eggs all the more if they have to hunt for them. All you’ll need is plenty of small, wrapped Easter eggs and a basket or bowl for each child so that they can store their booty. Alternatively, you can go all out for authentic hand-painted hard-boiled eggs, rewarding children at the end with a compensatory chocolate egg exchange.
If your children are small, it’s probably best just to hide the eggs and let them roam free and hunt. Tell the children to return to base when they have achieved a target number of eggs (eg six) so that you can check that eggs are being fairly distributed, and that the balance is redressed for any children who are really lagging behind.
Older children will love responding to written clues. You can use brightly coloured craft card, which you tape to trees or walls. Children will enjoy rhyming clues and terrible puns. Alternatively, you can give each child a written sheet of clues that will direct him/her to various points around the garden.
Before the hunt starts, agree with the children that they can eat a limited number of eggs at the end of the hunt, but that the rest must be taken home and saved for later. That way you may at least mitigate the hyperactive consequences of a chocolate overload…
Egg Hunt Etiquette
We’ve all been feeling the lack of distractions in the lockdown –non-essential shops, cinemas, theatres, bars, cafés and restaurants… the list goes on. For many of us, walking in the countryside has been a lifesaver over the last few weeks, but we should spare a thought for farmers and country-dwellers, who may have been less than thrilled by an invasion of heedless day-trippers.
Certain rules of behaviour should be observed when in the country, and will go a long way towards mitigating any negative impact. There’s an age-old way of doing things in rural Britain, so go prepared, and be aware that:
British people are notorious for their endless fascination with the weather, and as the current lockdown enters its third month, and our restricted lives seem devoid of anything notable to discuss, this reliable standby is being deployed more than ever.
The weather has always been a topic that is utilised nationwide as an ice-breaker. When two strangers meet, in a train or a queue for example, it is virtually de rigueur to enjoy a short conversation about the weather. The primary function of this fascination with the weather is, of course, to break down the English person’s natural reserve; it offers a universal, and neutral, topic, which everyone, from a small child to an elderly grandmother, enjoys discussing.
This fascination with the weather is part of a long tradition, and ancient folklore is full of mantras for second-guessing the moods of the elements. Snow on St Dorothea’s Day (6 February) means no heavier snowfall that year, while rain on St Swithin’s Day (15 July) means it’ll continue for the next 40 days. The slightest tinge of a pink cloud can cause locals to chant ‘red sky at night, shepherd’s delight’ and many a bored child has been reassured by the phrase ‘rain before seven, fine by eleven’. This year, we all enjoyed a ‘fools’ spring’, when exceptionally warm weather in February preceded a further ‘cold snap’.
Despite this obsession, the weather still keeps the English on their toes. A few weeks without rain and garden-hose bans are enacted; too much rain and rivers burst their banks, flooding low-lying towns. Similarly, a fall of snow (the amount that in Germany or Switzerland would be brushed off without a second thought) often brings English motorways to a standstill. The rail network is particularly susceptible to weather delay – trains have been cancelled for everything from leaves on the track to the wrong kind of snow.
Other countries endure far more noteworthy weather events – droughts, hurricanes, tornadoes – but the English weather is, above all, unpredictable. Sunshine, showers, wind and rain sweep across the country with extraordinary rapidity, providing an ever-changing outlook. And in these days of global warming, English people can now enjoy discussing ever more capricious weather – blizzards in April, floods in July, and so on. With the weather as a topic, conversation is never going to falter.
Our home-grown ‘Mother’s Day’ actually started out as a religious feast, called Mothering Sunday, which was celebrated in the 17th century. It was a feast day held to celebrate the Virgin Mary and the idea was that people would return to their ‘mother church’, to make it a family celebration. It took place on the fourth Sunday of Lent, and allowed for some easing of the Lenten fast – it was sometimes called ‘Simnel Sunday’ because it was traditional to bake simnel cake, a delicious concoction of dried fruits, spices and marzipan, which is also eaten at Easter. Inevitably, it became a family reunion, with mothers taking pride of place.
When the tradition began to fade in the 1930s a vicar’s daughter named Constance Penwick-Smith worked hard to revive it, with much more emphasis on celebrating motherhood. This changed focus owed a lot to the American invention of ‘Mother’s Day’, the brainchild of a grateful daughter, who wanted to honour her own mother, a peace activist during the Civil War. Mother’s Day became officially acknowledged in the US in 1914.
Confusingly, the two different versions of Mother’s Day have become conflated in many people’s minds, but in the US and many countries of the world Mother’s Day is celebrated on the second Sunday in May, while in the UK we have adhered to the religious origins of the date, which is why it moves around from year to year.
Whatever the origins, the essential focus is the same.
As we celebrate International Women’s Day, and the drive towards gender equality that it recognises, we have been browsing through the pages of some 19th-century etiquette guides and contemplating just how far women have come.
As trade boomed in the 19th century the middle classes expanded rapidly, and a stream of guidebooks were published to help them steer their way through a host of social dilemmas – from how to address a viscount, to calling card etiquette and when to serve champagne. The guides encouraged modesty, propriety, cleanliness and politeness. Children deferred to parents, and women to men.
A woman ignored the codes that applied to her behaviour – both at home and in public spaces – at her peril. To transgress was to risk sullying her reputation, which – in the marriage markets of the 19th century – was an indispensable attribute.
Etiquette Tips from a Bygone Era:
• Ladies do not wear pearls or diamonds in the morning.
• When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should bow but not give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well-known friend of a member of the family. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has made the first movement.
• In conversation a well-educated lady never uses vulgarisms, flippancy, coarseness, triviality or provocation in her speech.
• A gentlewoman walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear. She recognises acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with words of greeting. She never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously or does anything to attract the attention of passers-by.
• A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the street, or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons of the opposite sex.
• A lady never looks back after anyone in the street, or turns to stare in a public place. She should never walk alone in the street after dark.
• A lady keeps from contact with her neighbour in public conveyances as much as is possible, never leaning up against another or spreading her arms. She may accept the offer of services from a stranger in alighting from, or entering a conveyance, and should acknowledge the courtesy.
• At public balls, a lady should dance only with gentlemen of her own party, or those with whom she has a previous acquaintance. Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to dance. She should give a good reason, lest the gentleman takes it as a personal dislike. Once a lady refuses, a gentleman should not urge her to dance, nor should the lady accept another invitation for the same dance. An unattached lady never dances more than three dances with the same partner.
