In the space of only a few weeks, the impact of the coronavirus outbreak has been felt around the world. Increasingly, individuals are taking the precaution of avoiding skin-on-skin contact when greeting others. Last week we saw Angela Merkel’s offer of a handshake rather publicly rejected by her interior minister, while Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte broke his own rule when he instinctively shook hands with a senior health official following a press conference on Tuesday.
Uncertainty over the right approach at this equally uncertain time can lead to both parties in a business interaction feeling awkward, marring that all-important first impression on a client.
So assuming you’re still taking a ‘business as usual’ approach to business meetings, what is the best way to greet people? Here are three pointers to bear in mind:
1.) Take your lead from the other person
If you are still comfortable shaking hands, wait to see what the other person does and follow suit. If he or she goes in for the shake, keep your grasp firm and confident as you would usually. If the other person seems reluctant to shake hands (or if you are), a smile, nod and friendly verbal greeting will usually be adequate substitutes.
2.) Address the issue head-on
Awkwardness can be assuaged by mentioning the current situation at the outset. Saying something like ‘Shall we adhere to best practice and avoid a handshake?’ will acknowledge the issue and smooth the interaction.
3.) Smile!
A smile will project a message of warmth and welcome, and helps to lessen any feeling of offence caused by a rejected physical greeting. That said, be wary of smiling too much in certain countries, including Russia and Ukraine, where it could undermine your authority.
Have you ever instinctively responded 'sorry' when someone else bumped into you? Or written a message to someone starting 'Sorry to bother you'? We know the importance and impact of a heartfelt apology when it's warranted, but needless over-apologising can undermine our impact and authority, especially in the workplace.
So how can you get out of the apology habit? Try these four tips:
1. Pause first
If you find the word 'sorry' tripping off your tongue before you've even had time to consider what you're apologising for, take a pause. Think about why you're saying sorry, and whether or not you really need to.
2. Say thank you instead
If someone does you a favour, thank them rather than apologising for having caused them inconvenience. This also recognises their good deed as an act of kindness rather than one of obligation.
3. Watch out for implied apologies
Phrases such as 'I'm afraid', 'unfortunately' or even 'can I just' all serve as self-effacing language modifiers, giving the impression that you are uncertain or lack conviction. Before you send an email, go back and delete these, and gradually start eliminating them from your speech as well.
4. Know what deserves an apology
You don't have to apologise for sending an email, making a phone call, politely asking a colleague to complete a task, or for disagreeing with somebody else's opinion. You do have to apologise for being late, spilling red wine on a friend's pristine carpet, or for giving away a major plot twist in Game of Thrones.
Valentine's Day is apparently the second most popular date in the year for proposals to take place, so if a significant piece of jewellery is soon going to be burning a hole in your pocket, we've got a few pointers to make sure the moment is memorable for all the right reasons.
1.) Make it personal
Whether it's the scene of your first date, a significant anniversary or a shared hobby, make your proposal personal by incorporating what matters to you both. Equally, avoid anything your partner really won't enjoy: sinking to one knee at the top of the Eiffel Tower might seem romantic, but is less than ideal if he or she suffers from a debilitating fear of heights.
2.) Beware the public proposal
Proposing in a public place is fun, right? There's the awed silence as a crowd gathers to observe the scene, followed by rapturous applause when your partner accepts. Well, in theory – but a highly public proposal could put pressure on the other person to say yes just to save your blushes, even if they have misgivings. If you are going to propose in public, try to find a quiet moment so that you can celebrate – or not – privately before letting others know your news.
3.) Don't overcomplicate it
We get it: there's nothing more romantic than an all-day treasure hunt that leads to a ring concealed inside an ostrich egg buried in volcanic ash at the foot of Mount Fuji. But overcomplicate your proposal and you risk being too wrapped up in the logistics to enjoy the moment itself. By all means plan a memorable experience, but remember that 'memorable' could mean proposing over a bottle of champagne at home on the sofa.
4.) Record the moment... within reason
It's a life-changing event, and you'll understandably want a record of it for posterity. Just make sure the method of making one isn't too intrusive. Thrusting a smartphone into your partner's face to film their reply, or having a professional photographer spring out from behind a bush as they burst into tears of joy, might be overkill...
5.) Prepare to share the news
Before you post the above-mentioned photo or video on social media, share the news in person with your family and close friends. They will appreciate hearing about it from you first-hand, and their undoubted delight will make your celebrations even more special.
Somewhere between a third and half of us are introverts, according to Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. So how do we navigate this time of year, when it can feel as if every day brings a new social challenge - whether it's your office Christmas party or a gathering for New Year? Our Academy Director Rupert Wesson has some advice for surviving silly season.
1.) Remember you're not alone
Many people feel apprehensive about social gatherings, so take comfort (and perhaps some confidence) from the knowledge that others will be as uncomfortable as you.
2.) Go in a spirit of curiosity
You don’t have to be a master raconteur or the best conversationalist to make a great impression. Just go with a desire to learn a little more about the other guests, and ask questions. Generally, people enjoy nothing more than talking about themselves.
3.) Prepare some opening lines
These can be as simple as a polite 'Lovely to meet you' and 'How do you know the host'? Having a few stock lines up your sleeve will help you get off to a confident start.
4.) Take the time to learn people’s names
Being able to use someone’s name when you have only just met them) is a great courtesy and makes you sound more confident. Not knowing their name can put you on the back foot.
5.) Move, mix and mingle
Try to avoid monopolising the same person or group of people to whom you feel comfortable speaking. Make an effort to meet new people: introduce others to the group or ask to be introduced to people you don't know.
6.) Try to look pleased to be there
Making a conscious effort to smile will help you to relax and make you seem more approachable.
7.) Remember no one is looking at you!
You may feel a little self-conscious walking into a room full of people, but the reality is that we rarely take as much notice of each other as we might think.
8.) Don’t sneak away at the first opportunity
Stay until your discomfort subsides and you may find you actually start to enjoy yourself. Make sure you personally thank your host before departing.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, with one exception: the workplace Secret Santa. Whether the prospect of buying a present for your boss fills you with horror, or you're notoriously bad at feigning enthusiasm for something you hate, here are our top five tips for surviving this social and professional pitfall:
1. Don't stint
A budget should be treated as an approximate rather than a maximum. A colleague may justifiably resent receiving a Poundshop snow globe when you're supposed to have spent a tenner.
2. But don't be too lavish either
It's fine to overspend slightly on something you know the recipient will love, but blowing twice the budget on a bottle of champagne smacks of sucking up, especially if you're buying for someone senior to you.
3. Make it personal
Most of us spend the majority of our waking hours with our colleagues, so it's likely that you'll have an idea of their hobbies and family life. Bearing these in mind when choosing a Secret Santa present – buying a sketchpad and pencils for an art-lover, for example – shows you've put thought into it.
4. Beware the 'joke' gift
A team present-opening session is not the place to revive an in-joke you've shared with a co-worker. Spare a thought for their professional persona – as well as your own – before wrapping up those furry handcuffs.
5. Play it safe
If you really have no idea what to buy someone, play it safe with a good bottle of booze (as long as you're sure they drink alcohol), the latest bestseller or a box of fine chocolates.
This weekend the England rugby team faces South Africa in the hotly-anticipated final of the Rugby World Cup in Yokohama. But how much do we know about our hosts? Here are our top ten etiquette tips for making a good impression in Japan:
1.) Shake hands gently: the Japanese tend to favour a limp handshake – a bone-crushing grip is seen as overly aggressive.
2.) Go easy on the eye contact: direct eye contact is rare in Japan, again to avoid any suggestion of aggression.
3.) Avoid a toothy grin: the Japanese generally refrain from showing their teeth when they smile.
4.) Take care with chopsticks: don’t cross chopsticks when you lay them down, and definitely don’t stick them in a bowl of rice pointing upwards: this has associations with funerals.
5.) Don’t point: at least, not with your index finger. Instead, use the whole hand, palm upwards, to gesture at something.
6.) Embrace karaoke: accept an invitation to karaoke, however tone deaf you are. This popular social activity acts as an icebreaker and serves to enhance personal relationships.
7.) Give malt whisky … or marmalade: gift-giving is very important in Japan. Traditionally British items, including cakes, biscuits, whisky or even fine marmalade, will usually be well received.
8.) But pretend to refuse a gift: expressing reluctance to receive a gift shows humility. Gifts should also be received with both hands and not opened in front of the giver unless he or she asks you to.
9.) Don’t take a call on public transport: phone calls are widely prohibited on public buses and trains. Texting is fine, however.
10.) And finally... don’t leave a tip: tipping is not customary in Japan, and may even cause offence.
One story dominated the news yesterday, and it wasn't the latest development in the Brexit negotiations. It was Coleen Rooney’s Twitter accusation that fellow football spouse Rebekah Vardy had been selling stories about her to the tabloids. Half an hour later, Vardy issued a reply denying the claim, but by then, Twitter was aflame and the news had gone viral.
Rooney is by no means the first person to broadcast her beef on Twitter. Musicians and actors, talk show hosts, MPs and senior statespeople – not least Donalds Tusk and Trump – have all been known to air grievances in outbursts of 280 characters or fewer. There’s something about social media that makes us all more susceptible to candour, but if the thought of getting embroiled in a highly public hoo-ha fills you with horror, here’s how to keep your friends close and your enemies closer online:
Keep it positive
Celebrate others' successes with a retweet or congratulatory comment, and don't forget to thank those who celebrate yours.
Beware irony
Irony is often misinterpreted in written communication, so keep your meaning literal unless you're confident that your humour and intention are crystal clear.
Tailor your privacy settings
Twitter profiles rank high on search results, so consider setting up a protected account unless you're willing to share your feed with colleagues, your boss and prospective dates. Alternatively, set up a protected account for private use and a public one for work.
Consider a disclaimer
If you mention your workplace in your Twitter bio, consider including a sentence like 'opinions are my own and not that of the Little Trading Company, Ltd' to distance your comments from your employer.
Remember there's no edit option
Tweets can't be edited after they've been shared, so if you change your mind about the way you've worded something, you'll have to delete the whole post. Still, bear in mind that tweets can be screen-shotted and shared in an instant: you may find that material has a life even after you've hit delete.
Ignore trolls
Trolls set out to provoke, so any response - however cutting - will be taken as encouragement. Limit trolls' airspace with a blanket 'ignore' policy.
...unless they are being abusive
If you receive abusive or threatening material, however, don't hesitate to report it and block the sender.
And finally, if in doubt...
...Don't tweet. If a post has left you feeling particularly angry or upset, give yourself some time before responding. You can always compose the tweet and save it in your drafts for 24 hours before deciding whether or not to publish it.
An image of Jacob Rees-Mogg reclining on the front bench provoked outrage last week, to which the Leader of the House of Commons responded: 'There's nothing in the rules about sitting comfortably." For those of us unschooled in its idiosyncrasies, here is a rundown on the etiquette of the 200-year-old House of Commons chamber:
Speaking
Brevity is encouraged to allow others a chance to speak, and 'excessive interventions' in another person's speech are frowned upon.
Terms of address
MPs from the same party are addressed as 'my honourable friend' (or 'right honourable' if he or she is a privy counsellor). MPs from other parties are usually described as 'the honourable Member for [constituency]' and ministers as 'the minister' or by office.
In the past, QCs would have been addressed as 'learned' and those who have served in the Armed Forces as 'gallant'. This practice has largely fallen out of favour, as has the tradition of calling the House of Lords 'the other place'.
Language
19th-century House of Commons clerk and author on parliamentary practice Thomas Erskine May advised that 'good temper and moderation are the characteristics of parliamentary language', with a breach of order deemed to depend on context and determined by the Speaker. Freedom of speech is described as a 'privilege ... which should be exercised responsibly, in the public interest...'
Dress
Speaker John Bercow caused an uproar (or at least a brief ripple of interest) two years ago when he said that male members of the House needn't wear ties. This reinforces the official 'rules', which only state that 'the way in which you dress should demonstrate respect for the House', although they describe the wearing of a jacket and tie, and the equivalent level of formality for women, as 'conventional'.
The rules are more explicit on the wearing of advertising and campaign logos and slogans, which are banned, as are decorations and uniforms.
Mobile phones
'Hand-held electronic devices' are permitted, but must be on silent mode and should not disrupt proceedings. You can take notes on your phone, but answering a phone call, listening to a voicemail, filming, recording and taking photographs are all prohibited.
Food and drink
Other than water, food and drink are banned from the House of Commons chamber.
...And finally, 'Sitting comfortably'? We'd advise exercising caution with this one.
Author and journalist Lotte Jeffs was acting editor-in-chief of ELLE magazine before moving into advertising as a creative director and publishing her first book. She regularly writes for The Times, The Guardian and the Telegraph. She was named Writer of the Year at the Press and Publishing Association Awards in 2016.
Lotte’s new book, How to be a Gentlewoman: The Art of Soft Power in Hard Times is published today by Octopus. We spoke to her about how we can all be a little more gentle to ourselves and each other, and why a true gentlewoman never runs for her train, gets drunk… or gossips.
What prompted you to write How to be a Gentlewoman?
I first had the idea after reading Country Life’s 39 Steps to Being a Gentleman. I thought it would be fun to come up with my own version for women, so I wrote a listicle for ELLE. My list was based on traits I admired in other women, like ‘Has a signature drink’ and ‘Can assemble an IKEA cabinet in under an hour’. The piece did really well and seemed to resonate with readers.
Then, following a discussion with my agent, I realised this idea was actually about a more robust way of being in the world. Underlying all the characteristics I’d identified was a sense of self – an idea that you have to like yourself, be kind to yourself and have a degree of charm.
I also thought about my own story of becoming, so the book contains some elements of memoir, about my journey from a place in which I lacked roots and was in a bad relationship, and then experienced the death of my cousin who was more like a sister to me. I talk about being in the worst place and building myself up from that, and about what it means to be happy. So from a throwaway list it soon became something more meaningful.
Who, for you, best exemplifies the qualities of a gentlewoman?
In the world of social media, I really admire an author called Otegha Uwagba, who has written a book of advice about work called The Little Black Book: a Toolkit for Women in Work.
Author Elizabeth Day who has a podcast and a book called How To Fail, is a friend and somebody I can go for a drink or dinner with, who just makes me feel good about myself. She possesses the gentlewoman’s skill of listening really well. I always come away from seeing her feeling uplifted and inspired.
Then of course there’s Michelle Obama: queen of the gentlewoman! She’s so poised and chic but also understands the strength in openness and sharing her story. She’s also not afraid to dance in public!
Tilda Swinton and Gillian Anderson are both actors who have survived the effect of fame and come across as so grounded and down-to-earth, and who are both really stylish in the way they dress.
I also really admire the young actress Amandla Stenberg, who uses her platform in such a smart way to speak out about politics, and LGBTQ issues but she straddles the heavy stuff and the lighter side of life in a ‘gentlewomanly’ manner.
How to be a Gentlewoman was partly inspired by an 18th-century etiquette manual. What were the most striking similarities between the challenges facing women then and now?
I wrote the book in the British Library, where I found these dusty old tomes from as early as the 1740s. They were very pious and quite religious, but also about being learned and coming across well.
Some of the advice was very archaic but I was surprised to come across some that was relevant to how we live now. There was an interesting chapter on letter writing and correspondence which could be applied to social media today – advice on thinking about what you say, the quality of syntax, and brevity. There was also an emphasis on the importance of being a good listener, an active listener. There was even a section on getting dressed – thinking about what you’re going to wear and laying out your clothes the night before.
You discuss the challenge of engaging with social media and having an online presence, while also maintaining boundaries and control. What is your advice for best retaining this balance?
I think we need to approach it with some humour and perspective. Sometimes people take it all too seriously – social media is what it is, and if you’re seeing too many glamorous shots of girls in bikinis – so what? We should be intelligent enough to sift through those and ignore them. I would say let people do what they want to do: don’t police others, just unfollow if necessary.
Choose what platform is best for you. Personally I’m terrible on Twitter. It’s like being at a drinks party where you’re surrounded by this endless banter cycle. I prefer Instagram.
Think about what you're going to say. There are certain things that it’s best not to put out there, that are better shared with a friend on WhatsApp. And care, but care just enough – don’t overthink a post to the point where you’re debilitated.
I think we need to approach social media with some humour and perspective
You describe an incident, shortly after you were appointed creative director at Ogilvy, when a top advertising executive publicly denigrated your experience and qualifications. Can ‘soft power’ really stand up to this kind of ignorance and aggression?
I think it’s about measuring your response to the situation. In that situation I responded with soft power and it was absolutely the right thing to do, but if someone was coming at me with violence and aggression or homophobia – I might find it harder to be so measured in my response. I’d really try to feel whatever I needed to feel but then allow some distance between that feeling and my public reaction. It’s rarely a good idea to respond in the heat of the moment.
In cases like the incident I describe, soft power diffuses the situation so the other person has nothing to come back on. You have chosen to be the grown-up.
I emailed the person who had tweeted about my appointment to suggest we meet for a coffee, and he replied, ignoring my invitation but mansplaining advertising to me, telling me that I had effectively taken the job away from a creative director (the implication being a male creative director), who would have had to work his way up in the industry.
I responded: ‘So how about that coffee then?’ And he never replied. My response didn’t give him space to attack me on any other levels.
How is the art of the gentlewoman best deployed at work, when time constraints and a heaving in-tray can make us overly focused on tasks and to-do lists?
It can be exhausting to feel that you need to be talkative and charming all the time with your colleagues at work, as if you were at a drinks or dinner party. Sometimes you just need to put your head down and get your work done. Instead, get something social in the diary with your colleagues – for example, all going out for lunch or for drinks after work. Find space to connect socially when you can be entirely in that moment, not distracted by work.
There’s also a case to be made for accepting that you’re never going to finish everything. Conscientiousness is quite a female trait, but there’s always work; you’re never going to get it all done – and if you do, you’re going to get more work. It’s accepting that this is what it means to be in a job and not trying to finish everything
Also, ask yourself: do you really need to clear your inbox every day? Isn’t it better to go home and have a nice dinner with your partner?
Finally – and this is something I think is the cornerstone of being a gentlewoman – try and take a lunch break. Don’t just buy the same Pret or Boots (the worst!) sandwich every day to eat at your desk. What’s really going to happen if you leave your desk for an hour?
I think we can all be so worried about other people’s reactions – even if we’re just running late in the morning. In reality, no one else really notices as long as on the whole your approach is diligent.
Try and take a lunch break. What’s really going to happen if you leave your desk for an hour?
What is your top tip when encountering a room full of total strangers at a party or networking event?
Firstly, locate the bar and walk over to it confidently. Make your first drink a glass of water and maybe have a chat with the person behind the bar. Gather yourself. Then get an alcoholic drink if you drink.
Stand with confidence, with a neutral, soft expression, and make eye contact. Survey the room – is there anyone on their own, anyone that you want to talk to, professionally? Is there anyone wearing something fabulous that you can compliment them on?
Don’t hover. You know when you end up on the edge of a group, trying to insert yourself? Walk away. When you do find someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to say ‘Hi, I don’t know anyone,’ introduce yourself, and ask questions. Often we feel like we’re the only one in that position, but it’s worth thinking the best of people. People are generally kind and generous emotionally
Don’t drink too much – alternate soft and alcoholic drinks. And if you’re not having a good time? Just leave.
If you find yourself hovering, walk away
And finally. Does a gentlewoman…
Run for her train?
No. Catch the next one – you don’t want to be sweaty and flustered. If you live in the countryside and the next train isn’t for half an hour, you can break out a little trot.
Do her make-up in public?
I don’t think she does – I think it’s quite an intimate thing that should be done at home. Just allow yourself more time. Having said that, I have a good friend, the beauty director, Sophie Beresiner, who does video tutorials called Make-up on the Move.
Make the tea in the office?
I would only do it if everyone else was doing it. And if it’s only women making the tea, I definitely wouldn't do it. I would say, judge the situation and don’t feel you have to make it.
Get drunk?
No. You can drink and enjoy alcohol without getting drunk. Being drunk can be quite embarrassing as an adult, and it can make the people you’re around feel awkward and uncomfortable
But definitely enjoy a drink. You can be on the verge of being drunk – say, for example you’ve had a negroni and then a negroni, and suddenly you’re ‘oops I feel a bit drunk’.
Gossip?
This is a tricky one because gossip can be fun and bonding. But no, a gentlewoman shouldn’t – not about people’s personal information. Gossip can be mean-spirited. I think we should all challenge ourselves on it a bit more.
Eat a ready meal?
I’m hesitating because I have definitely eaten a ready meal, but I think if you are going to, make it a nice homemade one like COOK.
I’m not draconian in the things I suggest, so if getting a ready meal means you’re going to be able to do something else for yourself – read a book or clean out the loft, then fine.
Leave the washing up?
No. Play some music or a podcast while you tackle it. You can do it.
With the Ashes getting underway this week at Edgbaston, here are five key lessons we've learned from the 400-year-old sport of cricket.
1.Sportsmanship is paramount
The Spirit of Cricket, enshrined by two ex-England captains in cricket's 'Laws', or rules of the game, emphasises the importance of respect and fair play. Few images portray this respect more than the famous photograph of Freddie Flintoff commiserating with Australia captain Brett Lee during the 2005 Ashes. “I was taught as a kid always to respect the opposition first and celebrate after, which I did," said Flintoff.
2. ...but some friendly rivalry never goes amiss
Cricket is famous for its 'sledging' - verbal abuse between players. Particularly easy targets include a player's weight, partner and, of course, cricketing skills (or temporary lack thereof). Players can, however, be penalised if such banter goes too far.
3.There's no need to rush
With test matches lasting up to five days, cricket is a drawn-out game of patience and strategy, with intermittent flurries of drama. Its detractors might argue that this makes it boring (it was described by Robin Williams as 'baseball on valium'), but its fans relish the leisurely build-up of anticipation and gradual gains.
4. And there's always time for tea (and lunch)
Each of the three two-hour sessions in test cricket is intersected by an interval - 40 minutes for lunch and 20 minutes for tea. This rather civilised tradition also gives players a chance to regroup and focus for the next session on the field.
5. Size doesn't matter
Anyone accustomed to the giant gold and silver trophies awarded for major sporting tournaments may be a little underwhelmed by the Ashes trophy - a tiny terracotta urn said to contain the ashes of a bail burned to symbolise the death of English cricket, on the first occasion that an England side was beaten by the Australians on home soil, at the Oval in 1882. Despite its diminutive stature, however, this 11cm-high pot remains one of the most coveted prizes in sport.
