In a world where we’re constantly being advised to question our own motives and urged to focus on self-improvement, making excuses gets a bad press. Excuses are seen as cop-out, primarily used as a thin disguise for avoidance – whether it’s a tough work assignment, a social engagement or a health and exercise regime.
But this overlooks the fact that excuses are often made out of politeness, out of a desire to conceal a possibly hurtful truth, and as such they should not be dismissed out of hand. We’ve looked at different types of excuses and discuss the role they play:
If you are attempting to dodge something or someone, making excuses can often seem the polite way out. You don’t want to tell someone you simply don’t want to meet them, or help them out, or come to their charity evening – because to do so, bluntly and honestly, would be rude – so you make an excuse.
Before you go down the path of making a polite excuse, examine your motives carefully. Are you trying to wriggle out of a social arrangement because you can’t be bothered or you’re feeling lazy? If you have already accepted an invitation, you really should set the threshold for refusing and sending your excuses very high. In other words, you should concede that, by accepting in the first place, you have set up certain expectations, and you really shouldn’t contemplate opting out lightly.
If, on the other hand, you are asked if you would be interested in doing something, or attending an event, and you know full well that it’s the last thing you would like to do, then it might be kinder to conceal your reluctance behind a polite excuse (“I’m so sorry, I’m completely booked out next week”), rather than an honest display of disinterest and negativity (“I’m afraid I really don’t like eating in a large group, and I’m not very keen on that restaurant”).
We all know that inventing elaborate excuses, such as a terrible stomach bug, or a prior engagement, is asking for trouble. This is particularly true in the privacy-free age of social media, as there’s every chance your lie will be exposed. Your excuse that you can’t come to the party because you’re exhausted and want to spend a quiet night at home could come back and bite you, when your friends post riotous pictures of you having a whale of a time at a rival social event. Equally, pretending that you can’t make it to an event because you have another social engagement won’t really wash if you post smug selfies from your sofa, where you’re indulging in an enjoyable session of self-indulgent pampering.
Worst of all are the bad karma excuses – this is when you fall back on illness, accidents, relationship problems, family crises, and all manner of other disasters, as an excuse for your non-availability. These excuses are tempting because they are generally accepted at face value, often with a large dose of sympathy and concern. But, even though you score high for credibility, there is a real risk of ongoing sympathy and follow-up questions (about your welfare, the family, the pet etc), which you will have to deflect without giving the game away. You might find yourself being inexorably led into a tangled web of white lies and deceit. It’s all so complicated…
The best option is to make excuses that are as near the truth as possible, without being blunt, tactless or hurtful. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy, especially if you’re shouldering the blame for your own withdrawal: “I’ve been rushing around all week and I’m afraid I'm just not in the mood for socialising” is honest and tactful; “I’ve been rushing around week and I just can’t face sitting in a noisy pub, listening to everyone moan about work for the entire evening” is also honest, but it packs a nasty punch, since it indicates far too clearly why you find the prospect of socialising unattractive.
All too often, especially in a work context where your performance is under close scrutiny, excuses are offered for under-performance or disorganisation. But excusing a poor performance on the grounds of ill-health, extenuating circumstances or somebody else’s error only makes you look weak. You are acknowledging that your work has not come up to the mark, but you are refusing to take full responsibility for it and relying instead on tired old escape clauses. If you regularly default to this sort of behaviour, bosses and colleagues will see you as someone who is unreliable and dishonest, and perhaps just a little bit wheedling.
In these circumstances, you need to think carefully about the difference between excuses and explanations. An explanation should clarify and provide context, whereas an excuse is all about muddying the water and deflecting blame.
For example, you might say: “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. I badly underestimated the amount of time it would take to track down the various resources I needed, but I’ve been working at it over the weekend, and I will have it for you first thing tomorrow.” This explanation acknowledges that you made an error; you take responsibility for it and outline how you are going to put things right. On the other hand, if you say “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. The resources were very hard to access, mainly because our online archiving system is in a bit of a state, and that really slowed me down” then you are offering an excuse. You are deflecting blame (to the archivist) and not taking responsibility for your actions or offering a solution.
Don’t hide behind excuses in the mistaken belief that you will avoid blame and negative consequences. Acknowledge instead that being accountable for your actions is ultimately much more constructive. Trotting out tired-old excuses (the equivalent of “the dog ate my homework”) is never going to impress anyone.
In the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, many newly engaged couples will be contemplating wedding plans over the months ahead. But first of all, there’s the question of the engagement party. By no means compulsory or inevitable, some couples will prefer to put all their saving power and organisational ability into the main event. But for many of us an engagement is a great excuse for a party. It also serves a very useful function, as it is an excellent way of bringing the two families and their respective friendship groups together. Friendships that are forged at the time of the engagement will make the wedding day less socially burdensome for the host couple, and potential members of the wedding party (best man, bridesmaids, ushers, parents) will all have the chance to get to know each other before the start of the planning frenzy.
•Timing
An engagement party is generally held within a month or two of becoming engaged to ensure that it feels relevant to the announcement, but should not be too close to the wedding: presents should not be expected.
Always check before setting a date that key guests – such as the immediate family, the best man and bridesmaids – will be able to attend.
•Tradition
It was the tradition for the bride’s parents to host a gathering of family and friends – for example a small dinner party or larger drinks party – and this is still a popular convention. If both sets of parents are well known to each other, then they may decide to host a joint celebration.
The couple may also decide to host an additional party for their friends, which can range from drinks in a hired venue to an informal gathering at the local pub.
A more contemporary arrangement is for the couple to host a single party or gathering, and to ensure that they invite their friends as well as their respective families.
•Invitations
People who are invited to the engagement party will assume that they will also be invited to the wedding, so the easiest way to avoid any mix-ups is to ensure that all your guests can expect a wedding invitation as well. On the other hand, it is quite possible that some potential wedding guests may not be invited to the engagement party – most likely because they live far away or because they are in the ‘second tier’ of wedding guests (eg relations to whom the couple feel a sense of obligation).
Some couples who are opting for a smaller, more intimate wedding might choose to invite a larger number of people to the (less expensive) engagement party. If this is the case, make this into a positive decision that you communicate clearly to them – you could send a note with the invitation saying something like “the wedding is going to be a very small affair, so we’re delighted to have the opportunity to celebrate our engagement with all our friends and family”.
When you send out the invitations, make sure that it is clear that the party is being held to mark your engagement – guests will feel wrongfooted if this news is kept under wraps.
•Presents
It is not customary to expect engagement presents, and nobody should feel obligated to give them. However, parents of the couple may choose to give a present, or perhaps a family heirloom. More practically, they may offer to make a financial contribution to the wedding, or the engagement party. Any presents or offers of money should be gratefully acknowledged, by letter, after the event.
•Venue
Given that the engagement party is the prelude to a possibly very expensive main event, it is not necessary to push the boat out or stretch your budget to the limit. If space permits, an engagement party may take place in the couple’s home (assuming they are already living together) or one set of parents’ home. Alternatively, you could reserve a private room at a restaurant or bar.
•Catering
Champagne or cocktails and canapés are a reliable combination for this type of party (downgrading to prosecco is a perfectly acceptable cost-cutting measure). Hired venues will usually offer a menu of canapés and will have staff available to serve food and drink. Altermatively, you might opt to put money behind the bar and allow guests to order their own drinks.
If you are hosting from home, external caterers can be hired to provide canapés or a buffet, drink, crockery, and glassware. Alternatively, you may feel able to cater for yourselves. It’s worth asking your chosen bridesmaids and ushers to help serve drinks and pass round food, as it is a good way for them to get to know the other guests.
•Theme
Very organised couples might choose to align the look and feel of their engagement party with their vision for their future wedding. For example, if they are dreaming of a country-style wedding, with rustic table settings and a country garden feel, they might choose an engagement venue, such as a picturesque country pub, that reflects this aspiration. Or if they're leaning towards urban chic, choosing a smart city venue would reinforce that ascetic.
But there is no obligation to go for a homogenous approach, and you might not have chosen your wedding theme yet, and feel nervous of boxing yourself in. Indeed, you may choose to embrace contrast – for example an engagement party in a packed city bar, and and a midsummer wedding in an idyllic country retreat. It’s your choice.
•Speeches
In a conventional scenario, where the bride’s parents are hosting, it is customary for the father of the bride-to-be to give a short speech and toast the couple. Either the bride or the groom (or both) may also say a few words, thanking guests for coming and paying a tribute to their spouse-to-be. But even in a less conventional situation, it is always a good idea to designate one of the guests (parent, best man, chief bridesmaid etc), as the ‘toastmaster’ for the evening. All they need to do is to offer some words of congratulation, and ask their fellow guests to raise their glasses and toast the happy couple. Speeches should not take up too much of the evening – the wedding is a much more appropriate setting for anecdotes and reminiscences.
•Capture the Memory
This is going to be a special memory, and it is very much a part of the whole wedding celebration, so make sure that there are photographs to document the occasion. You do not need to hire a dedicated photographer; you can simply ask a handful of reliable guests to take a few pictures during the course of the evening. You might also be able to enlist the help of the future best man (or someone else who is a good organiser) to gather together the guests for some group shots.
These days most of the guests will inevitably be brandishing their phones and taking endless photos – if you’re really organised and keen to harvest the photos they’ve taken, you could ask guests to upload their pictures to a special wedding website, or use any number of dedicated wedding apps that make uploads easy. Or you could create a Google drive or Dropbox link, or use an Instagram hashtag, and send details to the guests with their invitations. Just make sure that your celebration (and your inbox) isn’t overwhelmed with amateur photographers!
Click here to access all our advice on Engagements and Weddings
Indiscreet group chat conversations, involving inappropriate language, racist and sexist slurs, are making the news once again. Why is the world of groups chats, especially when they are used professionally, turning so poisonous?
Many participants are under the illusion that their outpourings on WhatsApp will never be subject to public exposure. But these conversations may be disclosed as part of court or employment tribunal proceedings or in reply to a data subject request. In addition, everyone should be aware that all written, video and audio communications can be recorded and shared – for example an indiscreet or libellous exchange can be screen-grabbed and widely disseminated. And even if your most ill-advised remarks do not find a wider audience, they are still accessible, lurking around in group members’ chat histories, a horribly clear reminder of your lack of judgement.
Digital messaging involves the written word, and writing – unlike the spoken word – has real staying power. For this reason, it is fundamental common sense to be cautious about what you communicate in writing. Try and get into the habit of always pausing before you press ‘Send’. If you are conscious that what you have written is contentious, try reading it out loud. Then imagine your words being read out loud in front of a ‘neutral’ audience (eg a court of law). If the thought of that scenario makes you cringe with embarrassment, delete the message immediately and think again.
As well as the durability of the written word, there is also the question of tone. When you are chatting with a group of people, you can process a whole battery of silent signals – timbre of voice, facial expression, body language. Using these signals you can make lightning-fast interpretations of how the group is reacting to your remarks. If you stray into dangerous territory, or make an off-colour joke, you will be immediately aware that you have gone too far or made some members of the group uncomfortable. If that is the case, you can promptly retract your remark or apologise for your indiscretion.
In a group chat, you have recourse to none of these techniques. Your comments, observations, insults and indiscretions are lobbed out into cyberspace, and you will have to wait for them to land, or in some cases, detonate. This time lag makes it impossible to “read the [virtual] room”.
Of course, not all group chats have to be bland and banal. But before you make some witty or provocative observation, think about the dynamic of the group, and the people who are participating in the chat. Just take a few seconds to scroll back over earlier communications and remind yourself of the general tenor of the conversation. You will need to conform to the prevailing mood, rather than being a disruptor. If your group chat colleagues are happy gossiping about dinner plans and weekend activities, they’re not going to want you to come crashing in with a rant about the latest political scandal.
Only participate in group chats if you’re with like-minded people (or if the chat has a clearly delineated function – eg for parents at school, or extended family). If your contributions are making you stand out, or shocking other groups members, that’s when you run the risk of being called out or exposed.
The boundaries between our work and social lives are becoming increasingly porous, especially as many of us spend much of our week working from home. We may feel obliged to answer our phones, or respond to messages, at all hours of the day and night, and our social lives may well impinge on our professional persona.
The clearly delineated cut-off between work and home lives that characterised earlier generations is no longer considered so important. We often wear the same clothes to work as we do at home, we socialise with our colleagues, sometimes we confide in them. We no longer value the ‘professional’ demeanour, which was self-contained, polite and discreet.
But without that perceived distance between professional and personal it is increasingly hard for us to determine what is appropriate in a certain context. We might well be disinhibited and communicative with our work colleagues, and our group chats might reflect this. But if we take the easy camaraderie a step too far, it might get us into trouble, so it is important to try and make a clear judgement call about what is acceptable, and if in doubt, to err on the side of discretion.
If you enjoy banter and gossip, or just want to have a good moan about your bosses, you would be well advised to do this in real life, outside your work hours. Joining a group of colleagues for an after-work drink is a much safer way to let off steam than airing your views on a group chat. Even then, you should exercise your judgement; making disparaging remarks about clients or customers, even if they are not written down and recorded, is never a good idea in a professional context. It only takes one member of the group to break ranks and spill the beans.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re turning our minds to the world of romance and dating. While no date is going to succeed without the elusive spark of attraction, we would argue that good manners and courteous behaviour will go a long way towards creating a positive and relaxed atmosphere, giving couples who are on a first date every opportunity to get to know each other.
•It is deeply flattering to be asked out – remember that no one will ever hate you for it, even if they refuse, so don’t beat around the bush. Suggest a date by phone or face-to-face – don’t hide behind text or email.
•Punctuality is particularly important when romantic sensibilities are involved – lateness can easily be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or be condemned as disturbing character trait. If you are running late, call ahead and explain; resist the temptation to hide behind a text – it looks perfunctory.
•Drinks or lunch are a good option; you can test the water without having to spend an entire evening together. Avoid venues that are too noisy, pretentious or intimate. It’s wise to have a back-up plan in case things go wrong (another choice of venue if the place you were going is shut, somewhere indoors if it starts to rain on an outdoor date).
•Focus on the conversation, which means establishing a perfect mix of talking and listening. Clever conversationalists pick up threads as they go along. They create a multi-layered conversation and a sense of intimacy. Gentle humour, flattery and the occasional well-placed, and genuine, compliment all oil the wheels of conversation. Make an effort to ask questions (and listen to the answers) an don’t bluff, lie, name-drop or brag.
•Never answer calls or send text messages during the date. Undivided attention is essential.
•When it comes to the bill, the general rule is that the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure. So, as a simple point of etiquette, you should pick up the tab if you have invited the other person. However, life isn’t simple, and dating even less so. All too often, the arrival of the bill brings with it an unwelcome awkwardness.
Going Dutch is an option, and it’s probably a good idea to do so if you’ve met through a dating app and mutually agreed to try meeting each other in the flesh.
But for many people, bill-splitting can seem too clinical a transaction in the context of a romantic encounter – you could both insist on paying until one of you eventually concedes and promises to make up for it next time (if there is definitely going to be a next time).
•Always follow up. That means sending a polite text or calling after the date, and thanking your partner. This should be done promptly.
The clear-cut rules for cancelling a hotel reservation can be applied for dating cancellations. If you pull out more than a month beforehand, there is no penalty at all; between a month and two days’ beforehand, there are varying but small amounts of fallout; anything less than 48 hours and you start to incur hefty charges; and if you cancel on the same day or, rudest still, fail to show up altogether without good reason, then you have to pay the full price (you will probably never see your date again). Inevitably there are good reasons for cancelling – contagious illness, family crisis, hospitalisation – and if these are fully explained there should be no negative fallout. But bad reasons are legion: from working late, feeling stressed or getting a better offer to being overcome with laziness or indifference.
Many of the latter reasons are deeply offensive, so if you have any hopes of reconvening at a later date you will have to deploy diplomacy and white lies when it comes to cancelling. Be brave and call to cancel, rather than skulking behind a text or an email, which is the worst insult of all.
The latest figures show that more than 10 per cent of UK adults are currently on dating apps and it is therefore probable that a significant portion of Valentine’s Day dates will be between couples who have only met online, not in real life.
Online daters will have learnt the hard way that it is sensible to use a realistic, but flattering, photograph to illustrate their online profile. While it is tempting to create an alternative online persona, or to elaborate on reality and lie about your attributes, job, earning power or life experience, you will always be called out.
Don’t turn into a sleazy cyberstalker. A simple check-up on a potential match can soon turn into a deep dive into their online profile. Leave some mystique to the real-life date and don’t succumb to a social media fantasy.
When it comes to meeting online matches in person make sure you have a tactful escape strategy; be polite and don’t resort to improbable lies. If you’re meeting for the first time it is sensible to choose an early evening drink, rather than going the whole hog and opting for an intimate dinner for two (especially on Valentine’s Day) – it makes speedy exits so much easier.
If you’re already an established couple, then you might find that laying on a dinner à deux is the perfect setting for romance. You will be able to focus on your partner, enjoy the sensual pleasure of food and the stimulus of conversation.
A cosy dinner at home is an excellent way of escaping the hackneyed romance (helium balloons, red roses, mood music) purveyed by restaurants at this time of year. You can decorate the table with beautiful flowers and create a seductive ambience with well-dimmed lamps or candles.
Don’t create a complex meal; simply concentrate on a signature dish that you are confident you can create with a minimum of anxiety and focus instead on plenty of treats – nuts and figs, chocolates and fine wine.
Beware foods that are difficult to eat, whether you are eating in a restaurant or at home. Most people don’t look very seductive when they’re trying to manage a plate of slippery spaghetti or dissecting a bony fish.
Don’t serve or choose food that requires concentration; your focus should be on each other, not your plate. And put your phone away at the outset to ensure it doesn’t distract you.
If you are not an established couple, will your Valentine’s Day date be the beginning of a beautiful relationship? What about the aftermath of the date?
Ghosting, disappearing from somebody’s life by ceasing all contact and ignoring their attempts to contact you, is particularly common in fledgling romances, and has been boosted by the casual anonymity of dating apps.
If you don’t wish to see somebody again, simply tell them so, as kindly as possible – even if it means resorting to the old “It’s not you, it’s me” cliché. The initial sting of rejection is far preferable to that person having endure weeks of uncertainty over the relationship.
If, on the other hand, you’re anxious to get to know each other better, don’t waste time playing the waiting game and delaying responses so that you do not look needy or desperate – you’ll just look childish. Follow up your date with a warm message of thanks and concrete suggestions for further meetings (no woolly “we must meet again soon” cop-outs).
The latest report from the British Retail Consortium paints a depressing picture. It indicates that violent and abusive incidents increased by 50% last year, with an astonishing 2,000 incidents per day being reported nationwide.
Undoubtedly, much of this behaviour is tied up with the alarming rise in shoplifting – with 20 million incidents being reported in a single year. When shopworkers attempt to intervene or to confront the perpetrators, they frequently find that they are putting themselves at risk of attack and abuse.
How did our shops become a social battleground? It should be noted that this is the thin end of the wedge – many other customer-facing workers, from transport and bank staff to call-centre operators and health centre receptionists are also dealing with abuse, and we are all becoming used to the plethora of posters and announcements in publics places and on buses, tubes and trains, which plead with us to have patience, respect staff and behave with civility.
Commentators have identified a range of reasons for the behavioural decline:
•Rage at being thwarted
Obviously, if a member of the public is shoplifting – whether for their own benefit or working to order for a criminal gang – a shop-worker who intervenes represents a threat. They might raise the alarm or summon reinforcements, and they therefore present a major obstacle at a time of maximum stress and pressure. The perpetrators tend to lash out with verbal or physical abuse, and their feelings of rage and aggression are often greatly compounded by the sense that they themselves are transgressing.
•Severe pressure
There are many factors that contribute to feelings of being under intense pressure. Rising prices have inevitably made weekly grocery shops a painful and precarious business for many people. When something further goes wrong – an item is out of stock, or a staple has become even more expensive – it can tip people who are feeling fragile into full-blown range.
•Alarm at automation
All our services are steadily becoming more automated, from self-service checkouts at busy supermarkets to self-check-ins at doctors and dentists’ surgeries. Often, when we seek to engage with a human being, we are fobbed off, and told to go online, or visit the company’s website. The increasing depersonalisation of all our mundane encounters inevitably causes rage and frustration. We all know that technology has glitches, or is badly designed and impenetrable, and many of us will have had a deeply unsatisfactory encounter with an automated service. If this cannot be resolved by a real human being, it can cause deep frustration.
•Poor service
True, the customer is not always right, but neither is the service-provider. Sometimes, feelings of frustration are understandable. Shop assistants might be rude and unapproachable, more interested in their own conversations or preoccupations than interacting with a customer. They might have an unfortunate manner and be devoid of charm or grace. They might be lumbered with a very poor policy or service (eg a harsh returns policy) that they are having to present to customers, who are understandably provoked.
•Loss of social skills
It has become a truism that online life is eroding our social capacity. Many of us live atomised and lonely lives, working from home, interacting with our fellow human beings by digital means. While the myriad modes of communication available to us are undoubtedly super-convenient, it is certainly true that online interactions are not particularly like real life encounters. We do not have to deal with the battery of social signals and body language clues that inevitably accompany real life socialising, enabling us to judge moods and feelings. We become adept at broadcasting pithy, and sometimes abrupt or aggressive, announcements, rather than taking the time to listen intently to what is being said, to observe the other person and assess how they are feeling. Confronted with a difficult situation in real life, we are falling back on our online persona, which is self-assertive, brusque and judgmental (think about all those rude comments on social media…). If we exhibit the same lack of inhibition in real life as we do online, we may find ourselves in difficulty.
•Lack of empathy
It’s such a simple, and fundamental, ability, but it is sadly being eroded in our high-pressure, fast-paced world. It is simply a matter of pausing, whenever there is a difficult or challenging encounter, and taking the time to think about how the other person is feeling and assess how your behaviour is impacting on them. If you can see that your tirade is likely to be causing fear, embarrassment or stress, now is the time to back-pedal, and maybe even to acknowledge the problem: “I know that this must be very difficult for you, and I’m sorry if I appear to be angry, but it’s been so hard to resolve this issue…”
The more we unleash our frustrations on frontline workers the worse the situation will become. Displays of untrammelled rage and anger are never a sensible way of resolving a problem, not least because the person who is being attacked will inevitably become completely demoralised. Since one of the main reasons for poor service is short-staffing and absenteeism, lambasting the workers who have bothered to show up is counter-productive, and will probably compound the problem.
There are very few situations where apoplectic, disinhibited anger is more effective than courtesy and civility. It is only human to respond positively to someone who is polite, who respects you, and is seeking to resolve an issue through cooperation, communication and understanding. Rage and rudeness are much more likely to cause resentment, and a settled refusal to cooperate or to be flexible or accommodating.
Remind yourself that most people who work in customer care are keen to help and to provide a good service and have not set out to impede you or put obstacles in your way. Get into the habit of thinking about everyone you encounter and reminding yourself that they are human too (even if they’re being distracted, grumpy or abrupt, remember there is probably a good reason for their behaviour).
Try and humanise the encounter by smiling warmly, exchanging a few pleasantries, making small talk, clearly enunciating your “good morning”, “please” and “thank you” essentials. That way, if something does go wrong, you will already have established a social bond, and the goodwill and good manners you have generated will go a long way towards resolving the issue.
Table manners have evolved for even the humblest of ingredients – bread, cheese and soup – and it is interesting to look at how the utensils and customs that relate to these staple foods have developed.
The concept of breaking bread has biblical roots, but in terms of practical table manners probably owes much to Medieval dining customs. Since the only utensil in common use was the knife, which was reserved for cutting up meat, it became common practice to break bread with the hands. In fact, slabs of bread were used as a primitive ‘plate’ for meat until around the 14th century, when wooden plates began to appear. The bread slices were known as ‘trenchers’, from the old French word ‘trancher’, which means to slice, or cut.
Today, bread-eating etiquette owes much to these roots. Bread rolls used to be served inside the napkin. When a guest sat down at the table and laced the napkin on their lap, they removed the bread roll and placed it to the left of their plate.
Bread rolls are eaten from a side plate to the left of a place setting. Break the roll, by hand, into bite-sized pieces that are eaten individually. Break off a new piece for each mouthful, rather than dividing the roll into chunks in advance.
Butter, if desired, is taken from the butter dish, using the butter knife and placed on the edge of your side plate. Each piece, or mouthful, of bread is individually buttered.
The same principle applies to the artisan sliced bread often found in restaurants and to melba toast (a dry, thinly sliced rusk, often served with soup and salad).
Hot toast may be buttered all in one go (to ensure the butter melts evenly), but if it is to be spread with something such as pâté for a first course, follow the bread roll method as above. Brown bread and butter, served with smoked salmon, is served ready buttered and usually cut into halves diagonally.
The earliest recorded mention of a spoon in Britain was in 1259, when a spoon was listed as part of the wardrobe accounts of Edward I. It is likely that crude wooden spoons were available during the Middle Ages, but it was not until the 15th century that these began to be replaced by metal examples.
Before the 18th century, tablespoons were used to eat soup, never dessert spoons. While dedicated soup spoons became available in the 18th century, the shape of the bowl was not standardised and the round bowl shape that we recognise today, did not appear until the 19th century. The dedicated soup spoon was noticeably smaller than tablespoons, which were no longer used as eating implements, but instead were used as serving spoons.
When eating soup, fill the spoon by pushing away from you, towards the far side of the bowl. Bring the spoon to the mouth and tip the soup in from the side of the spoon; don’t try eating with the spoon at 90 degrees to the mouth. Don’t suck or slurp.
Tilt the bowl away from you in order to get the last few spoonfuls. Leave your spoon in the bowl when you have finished.
It is likely that the development of distinctive cheese knives was part of the mass production of cutlery that began in the Victorian era, when electroplated nickel silver was used as a cheaper substitute for sterling silver. In 1913, the British metallurgist Harry Brearley discovered stainless steel by chance; by adding chromium to carbon-steel, he revolutionised the cutlery industry and a plethora of specialised eating implements flooded the market.
In 1925 Thor Bjørklund, a Norwegian inventor and businessman, patented a cheese slicer, which he based on the carpenter’s plane. Ideal for slicing thin slices of cheeses such as Jarlsberg and Emmenthal, the cheese slice became extremely popular in the Nordic countries. The company he founded has been producing cheese slicers in Lillehammer ever since.
Other major types of cheese knife include the following:
•Cheddar knife: a cleaver-shaped design with a wide blade, ideal for cutting hard cheeses.
•Soft cheese knife: A knife with a curved, perforated blade, designed to stop soft cheese adhering to the implement.
•Flat cheese knife: Designed with a flat, paddle-shaped blade, ideal for Swiss and Asiago cheeses
•Cheese spreader: With a curved, rounded dull-edged blade, this knife is ideal for spreading soft cheeses, such as gorgonzola, onto crackers.
•All-purpose pronged cheese knife: With a narrow blade and two prongs, this multi-purpose knife is idea for slicing and picking up cheese (using the prongs). It is probably the most practical all-round option, if you do not want to invest in an extensive cheese-knife arsenal.
Always use the cheese knife provided to cut cheese from a communal board, not your own knife.
Round cheese, such as Camembert, must be treated like a cake: cut triangular portions.
It is correct to slice a whole large cheddar or Stilton horizontally but, if it is already cut like a cake, follow suit. Rind may be eaten or left on the side of your plate.
With a wedge such as Brie, cut slivers lengthways. Never cut the nose off a triangular slice.
Stilton is usually sliced, but if a spoon is provided, scoop a portion of cheese from the middle.
Bite-sized morsels of cheese on individual pieces of biscuit should be brought to the mouth, rather than biting off mouthfuls from a large piece of cheese on an entire cracker. It is fine to use fingers to eat hard, non-messy cheese with no biscuits or bread, perhaps with celery or grapes. Cut it into small pieces first.
Flattery is a useful social skill, but it is essential that you recognise from the outset that it is a form of manipulation, a way of using fake praise or compliments to achieve a goal.
A true compliment is a genuine sign of approbation; if you don’t believe what you’re saying you are falling into the insincere flattery trap and all too often this will be detected and will count against you. Praise is different from compliments, because it focuses on behaviour and character traits, rather than on physical traits or specific abilities. If you tell your host that their signature dish was delicious, you’re giving a compliment; if you say, “you’re such a good cook”, you’re giving praise. Giving praise where praise is due is an excellent way, especially in the world of work, of ensuring that people are positive and well-motivated. It is therefore surprising how many of us are miserly about giving praise and positive approbation.
It is no accident that flatterers have been found, since time immemorial, in the ambit of kings, emperors, rulers, politicians and bosses, where their desire to insinuate themselves into the favour of the rich and powerful compels them to lie and dissimulate. Indeed, courtiers are synonymous with flattery; their primary skill is understanding how to charm and sweet-talk those in positions of power, without being overtly obsequious, thereby gaining influence and favour. Many leaders have oversized egos and are all too happy to courted and flattered and it is scarcely surprising that lapping up the honeyed words of skilled sycophants often leads them to disaster – the danger is that this fawning behaviour and self-serving adulation simply inflates the ego and endorses the duplicity of corrupt rulers and leaders. In the words of Shakespeare, “They do abuse the king that flatter him: For flattery is the bellows blows up sin.” William Shakespeare, Pericles, Act One.
But flattery is not always a dark art, and despite these devious roots it can be an effective way of oiling the wheels of social intercourse. A skilled flatterer is good at identifying exactly the right buttons to push to get the desired effect: often the best flattery has elements of truth, which make it more believable. The main aim of flattery is to tickle someone’s vanity, to tell someone what they want to hear, as a way of ameliorating a situation or facilitating a transaction. The most effective and skilled flatterer knows exactly where an individual’s vanity lies – whether it is brains, beauty, charm, originality, creativity and so on – and can focus on those attributes to maximum effect; flattery is often coupled with flirtation. By endearing themselves to their targets, they may find that they are effectively smoothing their path through life.
There is no doubt that on some occasions flattery is wielded to good effect. Assuring a friend that, yes, her diet has really worked when you know that she’s feeling low in the self-esteem stakes is kind. Flattering your boss that he or she is a great manager is purely common sense. Being flattered by your partner, whether alone or in front of others, brings a cosy glow for all. The main thing is not to wallow in self-delusion; if you’re being flattered you must be fully aware of the nature of the spell; don’t ever believe the propaganda.
•Beware generalised adulation
Genuine praise often focuses on a specific action; “I was really impressed by the way you explained the sales figures in your presentation yesterday”. Flattery is often vaguer and more generalised: “You’re great at speaking in public”. While the flattery might leave a woozy feeling of self-satisfaction, the praise has highlighted a particular area of skill; it might spur you on to improve further or it might shift your focus to areas that are more clearly aligned with your talents.
•Beware deception
Flattery is about buttering up people (usually for the flatterer’s own ends), not about genuinely encouraging them. It is selfish rather than selfless. Think about what has been said and try to assess if it is genuine, and useful, praise or simply a few kind words that have been lobbed in your direction because the flatterer wants something from you. If the latter is the case, enjoy the flattery but embrace your knowledge of the flatterer’s motives. It’s important not to let flattery (or even praise) go to your head.
•Know your friends
Some people are compulsively generous when it comes to praise, compliments and flattery. You would be well advised to take some of their effusions with a pinch of salt and accept that this tendency to be profligate about praise is part of their character. You will also inevitably know people who are much more sparing; they rarely offer praise or compliments and when they do, you can be sure that they are genuine and heartfelt. Generally, these people do not possess the flatterer’s skill.
•Acknowledge flattery
If you know you’re being played, and are quite conscious that the art of flattery is being deployed, it is often a good idea to acknowledge the fact, by simply saying something like “you flatter me!”. That way, you will be serving notice that you have spotted the flattery and are not going to be swayed by skilful blandishments.
•Don’t fall into the flattery trap
We’re all likely to turn flatterers from time to time. We’re all aware that so-called praise and compliments are excellent tools for manipulating other people and bending them to our will. But this behaviour is insincere and inauthentic. When you’re about to offer praise or a compliment, pause for a moment and ask yourself: is this transactional? am I saying this because I have an ulterior motive? Think about what you are about to say: if your projected praise is a generic remark, that could apply to anyone, rather than a targeted and perceptive observation, then you’re very likely to be slipping into the flattery trap.
Top: Henrick Danckerts (1625–80), Charles II being given the first pineapple grown in England by his royal gardener, John Rose
Many of us are familiar with the strict guidelines that accompany dress codes such as ‘white tie’, ‘black tie’ or ‘morning dress’. These three dress codes are encountered at weddings or formal events and the guests can rejoice in a straightforward instruction and can simply follow the ‘uniform’ (especially the men) without further ado.
The next two tiers of formality are much more problematic. We hope we will address any confusion below, and would remind party guests that, if you are confused by the dress code, you should not simply opt out and come in your jeans and trainers. The fact that your host has added a dress code indicates that there is a clear aspiration for the event, and a refusal to comply looks rude and contemptuous. If you’re confused, consult with fellow-guests, or ask your host for clarification – at least it shows that you care.
‘Lounge suits’ is an expression that is only seen on invitations. It derives from the 19th century, when business attire was much more formal, and men wore long, knee-length jackets. A more casual suit with a short jacket, was worn at home, and called a ‘lounge suit’. This distinction no longer applies, and lounge suits are simply suits, of the sort worn in a formal business context.
This dress code is used for occasions with various degrees of formality and means a suit worn with a shirt and tie. Lounge suits are worn for most business events, both daytime and evening, and for many social events such as lunches, receptions, dinners, weddings, christenings and funerals. They may be worn at dinner parties, especially when people come direct from work.
A three-piece suit consists of a single-breasted jacket, a single- or double-breasted waistcoat, the bottom button is always left undone. A two-piece suit consists of single-breasted or double-breasted jacket with trousers (no waistcoat). Belts should not be worn with a waistcoat or double-breasted suit.
A shirt with a turndown (not button-down) collar should be worn with a tie and the top button of the shirt must be done up.
Ties are undoubtedly formal and conventional, and many men these days are eschewing the tie with their business suit to appear more approachable and easy-going (many politicians have adopted this habit for obvious reasons).
Nevertheless, the tie is a default element of the suit ensemble and, if you are requested to wear a lounge suit, it would be sensible to adhere to the convention and wear a tie. If you find yourself at a much more casual occasion than you had been led to expect, it is easy to remove your tie and undo your top button – it is always sensible to err on the side of formality, and to adjust if necessary.
If you are wearing a tie, go for a classic four-in hand or half-Windsor knot. Full Windsor knots are bulky and should be avoided.
Men’s clothing codes are prescriptive and easy to follow; it is much more challenging for women to get it right. If you are invited to a ‘lounge suits’ events, the best guidance is to think in terms of formal business attire. That means tailored dresses and matching jackets, a smart tailored day dress, a trouser suit, or a skirt and tailored jacket or coat.
If you’re going to a lounge suits event straight from work, you can dress up your usual office wear by swapping low heels for high-heeled shoes and replacing your everyday handbag with a small evening bag. Bold accessories, such as a striking necklace or earrings or a glamorous silk scarf, will pep up your outfit and make it look less mundane.
The main aim is to look chic and reasonably formal; reserve your more creative dressing for ‘smart casual’ events, which are described below.
This most ambiguous of dress codes is likely to cause the most consternation. It is certainly vague and contradictory (can casual truly be smart?), but in essence it is simply a plea from a host to guests requesting them not to turn up in everyday ‘leisure’ clothes – trainers, jogging pants, sweatshirts, hoodies, beachwear, flip-flops etc. Once again, you are being requested to make some sort of effort, but the code gives you plenty of leeway and room for creativity.
When you’re deciding what to wear, think carefully about the invitation, the venue, the time of day and the nature of the event. If you have received a printed invitation, then the event is probably at the formal end of the spectrum, so adjust your plans accordingly.
•Formal Smart Casual for Men
The best option is to wear a jacket or blazer, which you can team up with chinos or tailored trousers, and an open-necked shirt with a collar (ties are generally not necessary). Wear loafers, brogues or lace-ups, not trainers or sandals. Sweaters are fine if it is cold. If you’re outside in winter, opt for an overcoat rather than an anorak or parka. If you want to ring the changes, you could choose a Nehru jacket or a velvet jacket and accessorise it with a striking patterned shirt.
•Informal Smart Casual for Men
This is getting very close to everyday clothing but make it a rule that you change your clothes for the event and ensure that everything you wear is laundered and at the smarter end of the spectrum. So, if you decide to wear jeans, choose a clean dark-coloured, well-fitting pair, rather than a baggy, faded pair with holes and frayed hems. Opt for a polo shirt or colourful printed shirt, rather than a collarless t-shirt, or pair a jacket with a plain black or white t-shirt and wear smart trainers or deck shoes rather than flip-flops or sandals.
•Formal Smart Casual for Women
For daytime parties, you can discard the tailored attire recommended for the Lounge Suits dress code, and opt for dresses, or skirts and trousers paired with silk or printed shirts, or chic cardigans. It’s fine to wear jeans, as long as they’re tailored and well-fitted – it’s a good idea to offset their informality with a tailored jacket and smart accessories. Discard the high-heels and opt for kitten heel, flats or loafers.
For evening parties, you may choose to dress up your look, with a more decorative cocktail-style dress, evening-stye trousers, statement jewellery and higher heels.
This is a dress code you can really enjoy – indulge in your love of colour, texture, striking patterns and flowing shapes, without the restraints of the more formal dress codes.
•Informal Smart Casual for Women
There is not much difference between these two dress codes and in general the daytime recommendations above would still be applicable. However, if you feel uncertain, be prepared to adjust your outfit at the spur of the moment. You could always substitute your kitten heels for sandals, put on a cardigan instead of a tailored jacket, or discard a flamboyant necklace, if you feel a tad over-dressed. It’s generally easier to deconstruct an over-smart outfit than dress up an overly informal outfit at the last moment, so err on the side of formality. Even if you are more over-dressed than your fellow partygoers, your host will appreciate the fact that you have made an effort.
This dull question has killed a thousand conversations, and yet it is still a reliable fallback position, trotted out at social encounters as an ‘icebreaker’.
In days gone by, it would have been considered alarmingly direct and interrogative. The whole conversational dance was about avoiding asking direct questions, but instead using wit, observation, banter and discussion about general topics (ranging from the weather to political questions of the day) to build up a comprehensive picture of your new acquaintance. Eventually, in the course of this elaborate social game, hints or allusions to professions or work life might well have been dropped, and there was some satisfaction to be found in one’s ability to extrapolate this information from oblique reference. But the direct question was not asked.
So much has changed. We are probably less socially adept than our ancestors, who valued the art of conversation and excelled at the subtle skills of nuance and suggestion. They recognised a clear delineation between the work and social spheres. But in a rapidly changing world, where technological developments are obliterating traditional occupations and creating whole new areas of employment, many of us feel subsumed by our work life. We are on call 24/7, we are expected to be available at all hours, we work at home, in cafés, on public transport. We are preoccupied by work and find it hard to switch off.
We may well feel taken over by our jobs, but they should not define us. The hours that we spend working to earn our living may have very little to do with our passions, aspirations, hobbies or even, ultimately, our ambitions; they may simply be a pragmatic solution to the perennial problem of earning enough to live.
When someone asks “what do you do?” at a social event, there is often a feeling that they are trying to pigeon-hole or define us. We own up to a job and various assumptions are made about us – our talents, our abilities, our earning potential, our education. The job question is a shortcut to getting to know someone, but not necessarily a very accurate one.
For some of us, the job question is simply embarrassing. After all, many of us find ourselves washed up in jobs that are not commensurate with our abilities, a dead end, or a temporary staging post while we try and decide what we do with our lives. These jobs do not define who we are, and we resist being interrogated about them.
Of course, there are also people who will rejoice in this question, because they are proud of their profession and status, and know that it will impress the people they meet, who will draw a number of positive conclusions about their skills, intelligence and ability.
You may not like this question, but you will inevitably be asked it from time to time, and it is a good idea to think about ways to respond. If asked, you should of course reply with a straight answer – evading the question or prevaricating looks shifty and suspicious. But you might want to do one of the following:
•Move on
Give your answer and politely change the subject – “I’m a university lecturer, but let’s not talk about that – I’d like to hear more about your trip to South America”. With luck, your interlocutor will take the hint and move on. If they drill down with further questions, you will have to accept that you are being interrogated and answer with good grace.
•Over-elaborate
Give your answer and then deluge your interrogator with a technical, jargon-filled detailed job description: “I’m a digital marketing strategist, leveraging data analytics and consumer behaviour insights to optimise spend patterns. I aggregate, segment, and analyse first-party data to refine targeting parameters, ensuring precision in cross-platform digital ad execution. My role involves end-to-end campaign orchestration – conceptualising, designing, and deploying multi-channel strategies across social ecosystems, optimising for conversion metrics and engagement KPI.”
You will either bamboozle and bore your questioner with your impenetrable answer or, if you happen to be talking to someone who works in the same field, you might find this conversational sally leads to an instant feeling of connection, and you end up building new contacts and networking opportunities.
•Dismiss
If you really don’t want to get into job talk, and especially if you’re doing a job that you feel says very little about your character or personality, brush off your questioner with a flippant remark: “I work in an abattoir – they were the only people who’d hire me!”; “I’m a supermarket manager – it’s a good thing I’m a shopaholic!”. You will be indicating that you clearly don’t want to get embroiled in job talk, and it is to be hoped that the conversation will move on.
•Move on to the General
Answer the question politely, but then segue seamlessly into a general observation that relates to your field of work – “I’m a French teacher – but nobody seems interested in modern languages these days. Were you taught a foreign language?”. You have steered the conversation away from the particular question (your job) and onto a more general issue (modern languages teaching).
•Tit for Tat
You can answer the question as briefly as possible, and then fire the same question back to your interrogator. They may recoil and realise that their own question was irritating. But there is a substantial risk that they have been hoping that you will do precisely this and can’t wait to elaborate at length about their fascinating job. Unfortunately, you will have to grin and bear it.
•Reject the Question
Only go for this option if you are really annoyed by your questioner. Answer the question, but then add “But that’s only half the story – there’s so much more to life than work!”
Our increasing tendency to communicate entirely by text or email is having a disastrous impact on our handwriting ability. It is also depriving us of an enjoyable indulgence – buying personalised stationery and investing in high quality fountain pens and ink.
Looking at 19th-century etiquette books, it is possible to discern a familiar theme – the writers bemoan the decline in the art of correspondence, and comment on the increasing brevity of letters and notes in these “busy, scrambling days”:
“The post-card has been regarded as largely responsible for the curt brevity of modern correspondence; but it is really the effect, rather than the cause, of the limited interchange of written words. The correspondence card and the letter-card are all consequences of the same rush and whirl in which we live. There is not time for letter-writing in these busy, scrambling days. The correspondence card is a boon indeed, but no gilt edges, if you please!”
Manners for Women by Mrs C.E. Humphry, 1897
It is hard to imagine what the redoubtable Mrs Humphry would have made of the “curt brevity” of texts…
Despite her reservations about modern short-cuts, she has no doubt that personal stationery is an essential social signifier, which does much to proclaim a person’s social status to the world. She also has some firm prescriptions about the appearance of stationery:
“It is the ambition of every one of us to make as good an appearance in all things appertaining to our social position as circumstances may permit…Plain but good cream-coloured notepaper is always in the best taste, with no crest, and the address either thickly embossed in white or printed in one colour, the characters being as distinct as possible, but not immensely large or straggling…”
In her day, it was de rigueur to be equipped with a set of personalised stationery, comprising writing paper, correspondence cards, ‘At Home’ cards, and visiting cards – these items were seen as essential components in the social ‘brand’ of society ladies. As indicated in the quotation above, any lapse from strictly conventional notions of ‘good taste’, was considered vulgar – and garishly tinted paper, fancy or coloured edges, exuberant monograms or extravagant typography were all considered to be beyond the pale.
Despite the decline in letter-writing, there are still occasions when a handwritten note carries prestige or significance and is considered preferable to a text or email: letters of condolence, thanks for formal hospitality, replies to formal invitations (eg wedding invitations), letters of congratulation (births, graduation, milestone birthdays). Whatever the reason, if you really want a communication to stand out, going to the trouble of sending a handwritten letter will guarantee that it is noticed and appreciated.
It is by no means essential to have personalised stationery and simply investing in good quality writing paper and envelopes is an excellent start and shows that you have taken some trouble. But if you really want to make a splash, good personal stationery shows an attention to detail and appreciation of the finer things in life.
The smartest and most traditional letterhead are engraved, where letters are engraved or etched on to metal dies or plates which are then inked and stamped, creating a raised texture. Raised type may also be produced by thermographic printing. Designed to create the same effect as engraving, thermography is cheaper but is rarely as delicate and is often too shiny.
Flat printing, or lithography, is a less expensive option. Typically, the image (or type) will be drawn directly on to a flat metal plate using specialised pencils. A specialist ink is then applied to the image; the blank areas of the image will repel the ink whereas the drawing will hold it. A piece of paper (or an alternative material) will then be laid upon the image and the slab will pass through the litho press to print the image onto the paper. Litho printing excels in producing high-quality prints with sharp details and vibrant colours.
These days, digital printing is top-quality and, combined with a textured woven paper, can look very smart. It will not be as fine quality as litho printing but will be considerably cheaper and the economies of scale that are achieved through litho printing, which make it ideal for longer print runs and book-printing, are not really a factor when producing personalised stationery.
Personal letters are traditionally written on writing paper with a minimum weight of 100 gsm to avoid show through. The standard size is either W6¼ x H8 inches (16 x 20 cm) or W 5½ x H 7 inches (14 x 18 cm). Conventionally, colours were white or muted (ivory, dove grey, eggshell blue); more contemporary styles may be in more adventurous colours.
A personal letterhead should include a postal address and telephone number (typically your mobile number). Do not use your name or email address in a letterhead used for purely social, personal correspondence. Going for the address-only option will instantly indicate that this letterhead is for private, not business, communications.
Consideration should be given to the layout, style, balance and size of the typeface, the spacing and positioning of each line of the address – not all printers will advise you on this or have the expertise. Ideally, you will be able to provide a pdf of your desired design.
As always, think carefully about the connotations of typography. An elaborate copperplate typeface, of the sort used for traditional invitations, will look decorative but may be over-flowery. It is probably better to opt for the clarity of a roman typeface, but you must be aware that typefaces can be very evocative. A classic typeface, such as Garamond, Sabon, Baskerville or Caslon will look elegant and restrained. Modern typefaces, such as Gill, Helvetica, Avenir, Frutiger or Futura, will look sleek and contemporary. If you seek to conjure a certain era, which you might feel reflects your personal style and taste, you can research online for available typefaces and find one that suits.
Envelopes for private correspondence should be of a suitable size, allowing for the writing paper to be folded only once or twice. Traditionally, they should have gummed diamond flaps and the colour should match the writing paper. Originally introduced as a means of preventing show-through and therefore increasing security, more expensive envelopes may be tissue-lined, wither in a matching or contrasting colour.
These are an excellent addition to your stationery collection, ideal for short notes. They are always sent in an envelope.
They should be W6 x H 4 ½ in (15 x 11 cm), printed or engraved on card of a minimum of 300gsm. They include your name, address, phone number and, more frequently now, your email address. When a postal address is not permanent, a name, mobile number and email address will suffice.
A more utilitarian option is a flat-printed postcard, usually on white card, with name, address and telephone number printed in black above a keyline and laid out in landscape format.
If you’re going to the trouble to acquire good-quality, or bespoke, stationery, don’t let the side down by using biro. Invest in a good quality fountain pen and ink (ideally black or a sober blue-black, dark claret, or dark brown). It’s worth going to some trouble to find a nib that really suits your handwriting, as your writing will be undoubtedly more legible and attractive when you use a proper pen. Given that many of us feel that our handwriting is deteriorating because it is a skill that is under-used in these digital days, you will benefit greatly from the assistance a really good pen provides – there’s no point sending out a handwritten note on beautiful stationery if it is frustratingly illegible.
