If you’ve been a guest at a few weddings, you’re probably so familiar with the order of events that you could write them down backwards and blindfolded. Ceremony, champagne, photographs, dinner, speeches, dancing: it’s time-honoured and tested, and it does the trick.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have already shown that they’re prepared to do things a little differently. First there were the affectionate engagement photographs, then the candid BBC interview, and finally those informal and very smiley first few public appearances.
So how might the couple deviate from tradition (or decide to embrace it) on the day? We’ve got a few ideas…
The Dress
We might think of a traditional wedding dress as being white, but royal brides of the last century have typically worn ivory – The Queen, Princess Diana and the Duchess of Cambridge all chose ivory silk.
The shape and style are still up for debate – might Meghan Markle opt for the corset bodice and elegant lace sleeves favoured by the Duchess of Cambridge, or a dramatic, extra-long train like Princess Diana? The only element about which we can be fairly confident are that her shoulders will be covered, as is traditional for formal church ceremonies in the UK.
Another tradition upheld by successive royal brides is to have a charm sewn into the lining of the wedding dress for good luck. The Queen chose a clover leaf, Princess Diana a horseshoe, and the Duchess of Cambridge a blue ribbon (“something blue”).
The Hair and Make-up
On her wedding day in 1947, with Britain still suffering the economic after-effects of the war, the Queen sensibly chose to do her own make-up. Her granddaughter-in-law, the Duchess of Cambridge, followed suit decades later, although her “demi-chignon” hairstyle was created by celebrity stylist Richard Ward.
Brides like Meghan Markle who usually favour a natural look may make an exception for their wedding day and opt for a more striking and dramatic style. After all, royal bridal make-up has to endure not just a long day on show, but also the scrutiny of thousands of camera lenses.
And while it’s still more usual for brides to wear their hair up in keeping with the formality of the occasion, this decision will largely depend on the style of the dress and the veil.
The Suit
Like his father, grandfather and older brother, Prince Harry may well choose to wear dress uniform on his wedding day. Though he no longer serves with his former regiment the Blues and Royals of the Household Cavalry, his military ties are understandably important to him: the Invictus Games founder also took over from the Duke of Edinburgh as Captain General of the Royal Marines last year.
The Wedding Party
It’s not customary for the groom to elect a best man at a royal wedding, but Prince Harry was official ‘supporter’ to Prince William back in 2011, so it’s likely that the older brother will play a reciprocal role on 19th May.
Rumours abound over whom Meghan Markle might choose for her bridal party, but with child attendants more traditional for royal weddings (and arguably less controversial) than adult bridesmaids, she is likely to involve her new niece and nephew, Princess Charlotte and Prince George. Will her beloved rescue beagle Guy also follow her down the aisle?
Bridesmaids originally wore white to imitate the bride – the idea being that they would confuse rival suitors or those with evil intentions. Formal weddings often still adhere to this tradition, especially for child bridesmaids, although sashes and trims may be a different colour.
It’s traditional for couples to give presents to members of their wedding team to say thank you. Will Meghan Markle’s younger attendants receive an engraved pen for when they’re older, or a special photograph album to help them remember the occasion later on?
The Speeches
It’s traditional for speeches to be given by the father of the bride, the groom, and the best man (usually in that order). Increasingly, modern brides are choosing to say something as well, and it is believed that Meghan Markle intends to speak at her wedding to Prince Harry.
Already an experienced performer, we doubt she’ll have any trouble delivering a poised and moving speech on the day, while Prince Harry is accustomed to speaking at public engagements and charity events.
For less seasoned speakers who may be called upon to say a few words on the day, we recommend plenty of practice to help eliminate nerves and emotion. However tempted you may be by some Dutch courage, limit your champagne intake beforehand to ensure you pull off a polished performance.
Contrary to expectation, a best man’s speech doesn’t have to rival a stand-up comedy routine – for less confident speakers, heartfelt and succinct is preferable to rambling and borderline offensive.
The Food
If the couple's choice of wedding cake creator is anything to go by, this year’s royal wedding food is likely to be influenced by their backgrounds: like the bride-to-be, pastry chef and food stylist Claire Ptak was born in California and is now based in London. It's likely that their shared love of overseas travel and humanitarian work could provide inspiration, too. Could we see crab rolls from the sunshine coast or Vektoek (Afrikaner fried dough) in amongst the quails’ eggs and asparagus spears?
The Wedding Favours
Wedding favours are not traditional, but whether it’s a miniature fragrance or chocolates, the couple may choose to give each of their guests a token to thank them for attending.
Alternatively, given their shared commitment to charitable causes, they might choose charity favours – usually small pin badges that represent a donation made on behalf of each guest.
The Dancing
An evening party, complete with DJ or band, is a relatively recent wedding development, and it may be that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle decide to stick with the more traditional reception or dinner and forego the party.
If there is a party component (perhaps only for close friends and family), friend to the princes Guy Pelly is surely best placed to oversee it – the nightclub owner runs Chelsea hotspot Tonteria. And will Coldplay, who performed at Kensington Palace for Prince Harry’s charity Sentebale, put in a special appearance?
Either way, we suspect that Prince Harry will set a high standard on the dance floor: according to Joss Stone, he had no qualms about initiating a conga line at a charitable event in Lesotho. Al Green’s Call Me, meanwhile, is apparently guaranteed to get Meghan’s mother, Dorla Raglan, ‘swaying her head and snapping her fingers.’ Are you planning or attending a wedding yourself this year? For style inspiration, head to the luxury boutiques at Bicester Village, less than an hour on the train from London www.bicestervillage.com
As part of our month-long celebration of kindness in March, we spoke to Shahroo Izadi, a behavioural change specialist in private practice and the author of The Kindness Method, a forthcoming book that details her approach to behavioural change, which evolved from her experience treating substance misuse.
We spoke to Shahroo to learn more about the book and her background, and found out why we can’t be kind to others until we have learnt to be kind to ourselves… What led you to develop the Kindness Method?
My first role after graduating in Psychosocial Sciences and Psychology was as an assistant psychologist at an NHS substance misuse service in north-west London.
I learned a huge amount about how drug addiction is treated in this country and found working in the field of addictive behaviours fascinating. I received training in the different approaches used in addiction treatment and went on to become a substance misuse practitioner and then a Criminal Justice Lead.
I later became a consultant to a number of organisations responsible for treating addiction. During that time, some of the staff asked me how they could adapt some of my motivational training to overcome their own habits – whether procrastination or smoking. That encouraged me to develop a framework that would be applicable to a more mainstream audience.
Following a sold-out workshop at The School of Life and a series of articles for The Pool, I was receiving so many enquiries that I set up my own private practice. I secured a two-book publishing deal with Pan Macmillan in the summer of last year.
What is the Kindness Method?
The Kindness Method consists of exercises aimed at helping you change any habit and activate any plan of your choosing – whether you want to train for a marathon or develop a better relationship with alcohol.
The Kindness Method teaches you to credit yourself with the ability to accomplish your goals, instead of anticipating failure
These exercises focus on developing a kinder internal dialogue. They teach you how to credit yourself with the ability to accomplish what you have set out to do, instead of anticipating failure or being harsh on yourself at the slightest setback.
How does it work?
The theory behind the Kindness Method is that we speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to a loved one.
If a partner or close friend was working towards a goal or experiencing a personal challenge, we would only offer them support and encouragement.
With ourselves, we are much crueller and less forgiving – we often fall back on core beliefs that might have been in place since our childhoods: 'I’m the sort of person who…'
If you want to train for a marathon, for example, circumstances can inevitably mean you have to deviate from your plan – but it’s about not blaming yourself when that happens and having the faith in yourself to get back on track.
We hear a lot about ‘self-care’ these days. How does self-kindness differ from self-indulgence?
It’s not about being easy on yourself, or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about believing yourself to be worthy enough to achieve your goals.
So to go back to the marathon training analogy: you wake up one morning and it’s raining, and you’re completely lacking the motivation to go for a run. What do you do?
I would advise you to think about the conversation you’ll be having with yourself tomorrow if you go, versus the conversation you’ll have if you don’t go.
What is your own experience of the Kindness Method?
I used to be very overweight and went to an Overeaters Anonymous support group. They use a similar approach to the one you might find in AA or NA, which is based on an end-goal of complete abstinence: obviously not an option with eating!
I realised that I needed to adapt some of the same approaches I was developing with my clients in substance misuse, particularly exploring the purpose that food was serving for me. The framework I developed, and which also formed the basis of the Kindness Method, enabled me to lose eight stone.
We are often focused on what’s wrong with a behaviour rather than what’s right with it, but it’s actually more interesting and useful to talk about what somebody enjoys about a particular behaviour or addiction – that allows you to create a more unique plan to deal with it, based on adding the positives rather than taking away the negatives.
We are often focused on what's wrong with a behaviour rather than what's right with it
How can self-kindness affect our relationships with others?
Some of what I consider my most important work has been at a recovery house, where staff are doing such selfless work.
I also learned about compassion fatigue, however, and the importance of replenishing our stores of kindness. We’re more able to be compassionate to others when we are kind to ourselves. I learned that the best thing I can do for my clients is to take care of myself.
When you cultivate kindness to yourself, you look for it around you.
The other thing is that when you cultivate kindness to yourself, you look for it around you. The more you look for it, the more you see it and attract it.
As our month-long celebration of kindness continues, we spoke to Edward Miles, who set up his eponymous removals company at the age of 22. He told us what challenges he faced as a young business owner, how he has incorporated a policy of kindness into his work, and how one particular incident with a team member gave him pause for thought.
What was the biggest challenge you encountered when you first set up your own company?
The biggest challenge was my age. I was only 22 when I set up Edward Miles Removals so I couldn’t get truck insurance (which is fairly crucial to a removals business) because I was under 25!
How would you describe your style of leadership?
I take every opportunity to be on the ground with my team, to do the running and lift the boxes. I think that you have to lead by example to build a strong team.
What qualities do you look for in your team members?
I want to see a commitment to honesty, integrity and trust.
What does good customer service mean to you?
Good customer service means having the knowledge and confidence to advise your clients and going as far as you possibly can to support them.
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learnt since starting Edward Miles Removals?
That mistakes are as important as successes! I firmly believe that making mistakes is part of learning. What matters is how you resolve them and what you learn.
What advice would you give to others who are looking to start their own business?
You can do it. I started Edward Miles Removals having left education at 16, with no business backer, in a heavily saturated market.
Now we’re three years in and our turnover is increasing over 100% each year. I firmly believe that the only person standing in front of you is yourself. You can’t let anyone tell you that it’s not possible; if I had believed that, I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in.
Is kindness really compatible with commerce?
In our line of business, which involves moving people out of often much-loved homes into new and unfamiliar situations, we need to be sensitive. I wouldn’t expect anything less of myself and my team than to be empathetic and kind.
However, there is one moment that stands out and made me particularly proud of a team member.
I was on the way to see my team, who were working in a penthouse on Chelsea Embankment, when I happened to see one of my guys painfully hopping along in a foot brace – he had broken his foot the day before playing football so he really shouldn’t have been working, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
At the bottom of the building we were working, he bent down to give his lunch to a homeless man. Witnessing this moment was incredibly humbling. Quite honestly, I think I would have run past this man without a thought because I was too ‘busy’. This act of kindness puts into perspective the things that really matter and was a reminder that being kind is the one power we all have.
No pudding is more synonymous with Thanksgiving than pumpkin pie, and our managing director Renée, who moved to the UK from California three years ago, has shared a little bit of history on this festive sweet treat – as well as her favourite recipe for it:
History of the pumpkin pie
More often than not, any mention of pumpkin pie to my British friends is met with a sceptical raised eyebrow (polite response) or the facial expression a toddler might make when served mushed broccoli. While it’s a staple of the American Thanksgiving table, history attributes the use of pumpkins in baking (or ‘pumpions’ as they were known in the 16th Century) to the English.
Ingesting pumpkin for pudding rather than as a side dish (or as a seasonal spiced latte) may not be your slice of pie, but, if you’re given the opportunity, don’t be afraid to try a bite. You won’t be alone if you find you love the taste (50 million pumpkin pies are devoured each Thanksgiving). If it’s not to your liking, you can be thankful it’s only served once per year.
Pumpkin pie recipe
For the crust:
Yields 1 double crust or 2 single 9" pie crusts
Ingredients
Mix flour, salt and sugar (if desired) in a large mixing bowl. Blend in the cubed butter by hand or using a pastry mixer until pea-sized pieces have formed. Add half the water (or water/vodka) and mix until the dough comes together. If more water is needed, add in tablespoons. Shape the dough into a ball and separate into two pieces. Flatten both into disks, wrap in cling film and refrigerate for at least 1 hour (dough can be frozen for up to 1 month before using).
On a floured surface, roll out the dough to a 12’’ – 14’’ diameter and transfer to a 9’’ pie tin, crimping the edges to seal. If you have pie weights, line the crust with parchment paper or aluminium foil ; else use a fork to prick the dough to prevent it from rising. Bake at 175C for 15-20 minutes (until crust is lightly browned).
For the pumpkin filling*
Whisk eggs, sugar, and maple syrup together until smooth. Add pumpkin purée, cream, vanilla, spices and salt until blended.
Heat the oven to 225C. With your pre-baked pie crust on a baking sheet, pour the pumpkin filling into the crust and bake for 15 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 175C and bake for 35-45 minutes, rotating every 15 minutes, until a toothpick about 2’’ from the edge comes out cleanly. If the crust edges are browning, cover with a thin strip of aluminium foil. Cool on a wire rack and top with whipped cream when ready to serve.
*Note: there are many ways this recipe can be adjusted to be dairy free or suitable for vegans. Sweetened condensed milk or dairy alternatives such as coconut milk can be used instead of cream, and caster sugar can be substituted for maple syrup. Sugar, spices and salt can all be adjusted to taste. The one non-substitutable ingredient is the pumpkin!
Debrett's Academy Director Rupert Wesson discusses how good manners can oil the wheels of business with the Training Journal.
Have you ever had to call a customer helpline? After inputting a mysterious sequence of numbers, then spending a small lifetime on hold, most of us are ready to unleash our frustration on the blameless call handler by the time we finally hear a human voice.
But if that person goes on to apologise for keeping us waiting, uses our name correctly, wishes us a good afternoon and asks whether there’s anything else we need help with, our frustration is soon diffused.
Politeness – simple pleases, thank yous and apologies – can transform a negative client experience into a positive one. It can also sell a product, bolster a brand’s reputation, or forestall a complaint. As Debrett’s managing director, Renée Kuo, said in an interview with City AM, “I can’t think of any business that makes money by treating its customers poorly.”
Good manners are good for business
We’re all familiar with the power of good manners in a customer service context, therefore, but what place do they have in management? Do niceties matter when we’re under pressure to perform? In a high-stakes, commercial environment, common courtesies might seem a waste of time, a throwback to typewriters and carbon paper in an era of emoticons and acronyms.
Manners in management aren’t just about making work more pleasant, however; they make sound business sense too. Good business etiquette goes hand-in-hand with efficiency. Punctual arrivals at meetings ensure no time is wasted, while responding promptly to enquiries can prevent any issues from escalating, saving you money and time in the long run. At a most basic level, this may mean simply paying an invoice on time so that you don’t accrue interest charges or late fees.
Leading by example
As a manager, you may not deal directly with customers, but don’t underestimate the example you’re setting to those who report to you. Adopting a formal, professional approach to business correspondence, for example, even with our closest colleagues, can remind them to do likewise with clients. Asking politely about someone’s weekend, remembering the name of their beloved pet, and inviting them to contribute in meetings, will similarly foster a culture of politeness and courtesy that will have a trickle-down effect on client interactions. Conversely, a curt written or verbal manner, however justifiable due to lack of time, indirectly gives your staff permission to adopt the same approach with their clients and colleagues.
Courtesy equals confidence
Those in leadership roles may worry that demonstrating good manners to colleagues who report to them will undermine their authority, or convey vulnerability or weakness.
In fact, the opposite is the case. Good manners reflect well on you as a leader, demonstrating confidence, authority and trustworthiness. Take a face-to-face business introduction as an example. Manners dictate that we greet new people with a firm handshake, eye contact and a warm smile, all of which also support the image of a confident leader. An understanding of protocol in business interactions – and a sensitive approach to any cultural practices with which we are unfamiliar – implies that we are similarly intuitive and adaptable in our business dealings.
Politeness not only communicates self-confidence, but also instils it in others. Mentioning connections or common ground when introducing two new acquaintances, for example, will quickly put them at ease and facilitate more effective communication.
In the semi-social context of a professional networking event, this same consideration for others – offering to refill someone’s water, remembering their name, and asking interested, relevant questions – can similarly put people at ease, smoothing any awkwardness and ensuring interactions are positive and productive.
Multicultural manners
Of course, the meaning of good manners is determined largely by culture and context. As it becomes easier to conduct business on a global scale, it’s also increasingly important to understand the cultural expectations of other countries and adapt accordingly. Many of our courses now include modules on international etiquette, teaching clients how to be aware of cultural differences and customs – from appropriate greetings to written correspondence, and from meeting protocol to dining etiquette. Demonstrating this understanding shows the international range and relevance of your business and the people behind it.
Down to detail
Good manners also demonstrate an attention to detail. Understanding the more esoteric rules of business correspondence such as the difference between ‘yours sincerely’ and ‘yours faithfully’, or knowing how to address someone who has been recently widowed, might seem surplus to most of our business requirements. But however subtle, this level of attention is likely to impress others, demonstrating a thorough, organised approach. It also implies that you have the time to be careful and composed, rather than dashing off a hasty missive, which communicates good organisational and time management skills.
Polite persuasion
From a young age we’re taught to ‘ask nicely’ to get what we want. As cynical as it might seem, this same approach applies when persuading staff to carry out our instructions. Saying please, expressing sympathy for that staff member’s workload, thanking him or her once a task is complete, and providing constructive feedback, are more likely to ensure that a duty is performed promptly and to the best of that person’s ability than a blunt, unqualified command.
At the same time, couching any criticism with courtesy can ensure it is more clearly understood. Delivering negative feedback with sensitivity and encouragement will minimise the chance of a reflexive, defensive response to ensure that he or she takes it fully on board. It will also prevent them from feeling discouraged and disincentivised.
Manners for morale
According to Forbes, ‘bad manners at work can be bad for business by negatively affecting employee morale and productivity’. Practising politeness helps to maintain positive relationships with your staff and gives them confidence in their own abilities, incentivising them to perform well. It also has a positive influence on the atmosphere of an office or department, fostering collaboration, communication, and productivity at large.
A considered, polite demeanour, together with a curbing of temper and frustration where possible, will also make you more approachable, meaning that those who report to you feel able to come to you with any problems. If a staff member is too scared to let you know that he or she has encountered a stumbling block, or made a mistake, that hidden error may soon develop into a business nightmare. Conversely, if they know that any problem they have will be treated with equanimity and respect, they will ask for your input and help, facilitating a swifter resolution.
Good manners also improve staff retention. Last year, Fortune magazine outlined three of the most common reasons employees resign. The first? They dislike their boss. Insensitivity to our staff, even under pressure, can be very discouraging, and may lead to long-term resentment, sending staff members looking for opportunities elsewhere. Showing courtesy and concern in the workplace will see it reciprocated in loyal, motivated employees.
Rupert Wesson is Debrett’s Academy Director and can be contacted at [email protected].
In our latest advice column for City AM, Debrett’s Academy director Rupert Wesson advises a reader on how to make the most of the performance review process
Q: I lead a team of account managers and we are heading towards the annual performance review. I really struggle with this process – it seems to be just a paperwork exercise. The reports take an age to complete but make little difference so far as I can tell. How can I make the process more useful for all concerned?
Most people hate giving performance reviews because they are uncomfortable actually having to provide feedback, be it positive or negative, let alone committing it to paper. The fact that you struggle with the process suggests this may be the case for you.
Many reporting processes are of course lengthy, and their complexity can mask the simplicity of the requirement. Whatever the system in your organisation, if you don’t have the influence to change it, you owe it to your team to work with it as best you can.
In our latest advice column for City AM, Debrett's Academy director Rupert Wesson talks about instigating change in the workplace.
I work for an investment management firm and run a back office team which works with clients on compliance issues. I need my team to improve their client-facing skills in order to help us build better relationships and ultimately win more business. I’ve persuaded the company to allocate a small amount of money for training, but how can I ensure we get the most bang for our buck?
There is a perception that behavioural change is achieved simply through training. This is not the case. Training is an integral part of the process, but it is not a magic bullet.
As human beings we are naturally wary, or even defensive, about change. If your team cannot see a compelling need to change, there is likely to be resistance, both active and passive, from the start. You need to overcome this or the money spent on training will be wasted.
In our latest advice column for City AM, Debrett's Academy director Rupert Wesson explains how to make meetings work for you.
Q. Most of my day is spent in useless meetings and my colleagues seem blind to the fact that we'd all be more productive if we weren't staring at each other in a room. I have just been promoted and I want to know what I can do to ensure the meetings that I lead are actually effective.
A: We all seem to spend a disproportionate amount of our time in meetings and, more often than not, they are something of an unhelpful habit rather than a necessity.
You can be reasonably confident that no-one in attendance is clamouring for more, and on that basis you should declare your aim to make meetings shorter, less frequent and more productive. You should also state that you need everyone’s help. Doing so may make it the first agenda item with which everyone is fully engaged!
In our latest advice column for City AM, Debrett's Academy director Rupert Wesson reveals how to sell successfully
Q: I work for a professional services company and my role involves tendering for new business. Despite going out with several pitches recently, my team has failed to win any new work this quarter. While we could blame Brexit fears, I worry our sales approach is letting us down. How can I ensure we sell more effectively?
The first thing to do is to find out where you have been going wrong, and the best way of doing this is to ask the people who decided not to buy from you. Most will be very happy to provide feedback, and you should interpret this feedback not as criticism but as help.
It is also important to review your pitching technique with your team at every stage of the process, including immediately after delivering the pitch and a week or so later once you know the outcome. These reviews should be open and honest, leading to actions that will improve your team’s performance.
In our latest advice column for City AM, the Debrett’s Office Politics Expert advises a reader on how to respond when a colleague makes bad-taste jokes.
Q: I get on well with my boss, but he’s often cracking jokes that make me uncomfortable. Occasionally these can border on sexist and even racist comments, but more often they’re just rude remarks dressed up as banter – making fun of someone’s appearance or accent, for example. I don’t want to seem po-faced, but I’m concerned that he risks causing serious offence. Also, his “jokes” really bother me. How can I take him to task?
The recent news that a comedian in Canada was fined thousands of dollars for a joke about a young disabled singer has been received with a mixture of outrage and unease. The joke itself has been roundly condemned, but many have questioned the decision of the Quebec Human Rights Tribunal to penalise an individual’s freedom of expression.
In the professional realm, this same freedom is necessarily moderated out of consideration for our colleagues and in promotion of an inclusive and diverse workforce. Jokes that may offend or alienate, however lightly intended, are never appropriate at work, and personal comments, even if complimentary, should be made with caution in case they’re interpreted as an unwanted advance. Read more...
