Flaking is the habit of cancelling plans, often at late notice, for no good reason. It is an increasingly common problem and there are several factors that appear to have turned us flaky. Whatever the reasons, this unfortunate tendency is causing a great deal of frustration, sometimes breaking up friendships, or killing people’s will to organise social events. What is to be done?
Mobile phones and texting have provided us with an excellent way of communicating without ever having to engage directly – it is temptingly easy to send a text cancelling an engagement, knowing there is no danger that you will be interrupted mid-cancellation and asked to explain your decision. By hiding behind your phone, you are effectively sealing yourself off from the impact of flaking; you do not have to witness the flakee’s disappointment or irritation.
We all live busy, multi-tasking lives and there are many calls on our time, especially as the boundaries between work and social life are becoming more porous. Many of us feel that we have too many commitments and, when we reach a tipping point, we reach for our phones and cancel. We justify this drastic step by characterising it as ‘self-care’, arguing that fulfilling all our commitments is dangerously stressful and something must give.
There is a general trend towards introversion: younger generations are apparently drinking less and staying at home more (financial pressures and over-exhaustion inform these choices) and with this withdrawal comes a tendency to nurture inactivity and feelings of reclusiveness, which in turn leads to a compulsion to cancel ill-advised social arrangements.
We are increasingly more focused on prioritising our individual needs and wellbeing, rather than feeling a moral obligation to honour and respect other people’s feelings and expectations. In days gone by, it would have been seen as a social misstep to cancel a social commitment without a very good reason, and repeat offenders would have found their reputations were tarnished and their social standing suffered. It was simply considered good manners to reply to invitations promptly, adhere to acceptances and never to let hosts (or organisers) down.
Today, many people with a tendency to flake would argue that their behaviour is a symptom of social anxiety or shyness. Faced with the demands of socialising, and daunted by the prospect, they choose to duck out altogether. Society is increasingly tolerant of this sort of behaviour, and many people accept that social anxiety is a real, and troubling, phenomenon. The question is: is the perceived social disfunction genuine, or is it merely a case of hiding behind a label to avoid social obligations?
We all encounter this behaviour from time to time, but if flaking is a repeated pattern, it is worth thinking about the points below before you become terminally frustrated:
•Is there more to it?
Confronted by a repeat offender, you should consider whether this maddening behaviour is masking more deep-seated problems: anxiety, depression, loneliness. Of course, becoming a serial canceller who is alienating close friends is not the most logical way of dealing with these issues, but they can be very hard to acknowledge or explore. Gentle probing might reveal that sympathy and help is needed.
•Talk about it
If you’re really beginning to get frustrated, you could grab the bull by the horns and explain the impact of flaking – “when you cancelled at the last minute on Saturday, I lost the deposit at the restaurant because I couldn’t find anyone else to join me.” It’s quite probable that the flake has not really pondered the consequences of their behaviour (it’s best not to, because then they would see that cancelling is not a considerate option), and being made aware of the fallout might make them think twice.
•Accommodate flaking
If you have a friend who is an inveterate flake, you could amend your arrangements to compensate. You could always ensure that other people are included in meeting plans, so that there is no danger that you will be left stranded. You could insist that the flake is responsible for making social arrangements or suggestions. Alternatively, you could restrict your suggestions to activities that you know the flake enjoys and is less likely to cancel (eg a movie and quiet drink, rather than a dinner with friends).
•Appreciate the times they show up
When everything goes smoothly, and there is no flaking, make a point of remarking on it. Say something like, “I’m so glad you came to my dinner on Saturday night – it was lovely to see you and I was so worried you were going to cancel…’ That way, you will be showing how much you enjoy your friend’s company, but you will also be reminding them of their tendency to flake.
At work, a tendency to display flakiness can easily derail your career. Your colleagues will begin to doubt your ability to follow through or stick to a commitment. They may well be frustrated by your tendency to cancel meetings or procrastinate when it comes to answering texts and emails, especially ones that require a decision. They might also be alarmed by a tendency to over-commit, to take on too much, and inevitably to fall short and let colleagues down. Ultimately, the people who work with you will feel they cannot trust you or rely upon you, and these are severe failings, especially if you are working in a team.
Many consistently flaky people simply have poor time management skills. They over-commit, say yes to everything, and then find that they have far too much on their plates, panic and cancel everything. Learning to say no, or to point out that you are over-stretched is an important skill, both professionally and personally, for people who suffer from flakiness. They need to teach themselves to consider every invitation and suggestion carefully, think about what it involves, how much time it will take, how much input is required. If the prospect is daunting, they should accept that it is much better to politely refuse or demur, with plenty of notice, rather than flaking out.
Consider the consequences of flakiness. Relationships, both professional and social, are built on reciprocal obligations, on give and take. Flakiness disrupts this process, making the flakee feel rejected or overlooked. Ultimately, flakes will alienate and irritate even the most tolerant friends and might find themselves becoming increasingly isolated.
If you’re a flake, it is important to recognise any natural tendency towards inactivity and reclusiveness and do your utmost to resist it. You might feel daunted by the prospect of a birthday gathering at which you know no one but the host, and overwhelmingly tempted to bow out, but you will almost certainly have a better time than you expect. The friendship points you garner will also pay dividends when it’s your turn to sit nervously in the pub, hoping that someone will show up to help you drink that bottle of birthday prosecco.
Every January we review the baby names that we have recorded over the preceding year on our Peerage & Baronetage database. The data we collect is from a small sample of the British population – titled individuals and their families – but it does provide an interesting insight into naming trends and might also be seen as a harbinger of trends to come in the more general population.
The Office of National Statistics has only just released its name data for 2023 so direct comparisons are not possible. For reference, the top ten ONS names for boys and girls in 2023 are as follows: boys’ names are Muhammad, Noah, Oliver, George, Leo, Arthur, Luca, Theodore, Oscar, Henry. Girls’ names are Olivia, Amelia, Isla, Lily, Freya, Ava, Ivy, Florence, Willow, Isabella.
We can confirm that our top five boys’ names for 2024 are: Charles, Felix, Frederick, George and Timothy. The top five girls’ names are: Catherine, Sienna, Charlotte, Amelia, Lara.
Both these lists are indicative of several interesting trends in baby naming. There seems to be a higher preponderance of traditional boys’ names in circulation, and girls’ names tend to be more unusual. Within our own dataset, there is a marked return to traditional boys’ names, with Charles being the most popular; several other ‘royal’ names (William, Henry, Edward, James, George, Louis, Frederick) are also top choices, with other traditional names scoring high (David, Mark, Martin, Nicholas, Peter, John, Timothy, Robert, Thomas).
Girls’ names are more varied. The top choice is the impeccably royal Catherine (with Charlotte third), but Amelia, Lara and Sienna are a more mixed bag. Sienna is an Italian placename and its popularity is probably related to the fame of the actress Sienna Miller. Lara has Greek, Latin and Russian roots (it is the diminutive of ‘Larissa’) and therefore not traditionally English. Amelia is a name of Latin origin; it was popular in the 18th century when Kings George II and III named their daughters Amelia.
Amongst the other trends we have noted is a resurgence of names that were popular in the 19th century: Agnes, Agatha, Albert, Alfred, Arthur, Cecilia, Daisy, Flora, Florence, Lily, Mabel, May. These were names that went out of fashion in the last decades of the 20th century; they were associated with a long-lost Victorian generation, often redolent of grandparents and great-grandparents. 21st-century parents are reaching back into the archive and reviving many of these names, perhaps even reverting to lost family traditions and discovering the names of preceding generations.
The vast majority of the names on our database are gender-specific, but the following gender-neutral names make an appearance: Evelyn, Kit, Robin, Rowan, Valentine, Vivien.
As always, we have enjoyed seeing the more unusual names that our listed parents have embraced. They have obviously ranged far and wide, looking at Bibles, books of Greek, Roman and Celtic mythology, atlases and – especially for boys – following the trend of using family surnames as forenames. Our selection of favourite creative names in the Peerage & Baronetage database for 2024 is as follows: Ajax, Barclay, Bodie, Brodie, Calypso, Clover, Coco, Cormac, Cosmo, Esau, India, Ithaca, Leanda, Luna, Merlin, Mungo, Orlando, Rosetta, Skye, Soleil, Spencer, Thalia, Tosca, Vesper, Woodrow.
The general trends in baby naming over the last few decades have been to embrace more unusual names. Many parents feel that finding a unique name for their child is a way of asserting their originality and giving them a great start in life. But it’s never that simple; you always need to weigh up the advantages of originality (standing out, being unforgettable, good name recognition) against the disadvantages (bafflement, misspelling, playground derision). You also need to think carefully about the following factors:
•Surnames
Your child is going to be saddled with a forename and a surname, and it is vital that you take into account the way the two sit together. Sometimes the names are satisfactorily complementary (alliteration is catchy, the syllable distribution sounds right, and so on). Rhyming forenames and surnames (eg Harriet Marriott) can sound comical. Often, there is a jarring dissonance between the two names, and they do not sit well together. If you have a complicated, multisyllabic surname, you might well want to explore simple, monosyllabic forenames. The opposite is also the case; some surnames (Brown, Smith, West, Bloggs etc) cry out for a more exotic and multisyllabic forename.
•Nicknames
If your child’s name is two syllables or more, you can almost guarantee that it will be shortened or mangled. Some names have common abbreviations that supplant the origin name (Alfie, Freddie, Hattie etc) and if you prefer the full name to the abbreviated name, you will have a real struggle to assert your preference and, no matter how frequently you reiterate the full name, you will probably find you are fighting a losing battle. If you have struggled long and hard to find an original name (eg Pandora), which you think is beautiful, are you prepared to hear your child being referred to as ‘Pan’?
•Spelling
It’s become common practice to add individuality to a name by introducing eccentric spelling of your own devising. Think carefully before you do this and bear in mind that you are condemning your child to a lifetime of spelling out their name or being asked “How do you spell that?”.
•Family Considerations
Of course, your child’s name is entirely your choice but do bear in mind that some families have expectations that certain names will pass down from generation to generation. In these instances, names can carry a lot of emotional baggage and choosing them for your own child is seen as an act of filial respect and loyalty. If you really don’t like this tradition, you could perhaps compromise by using the favoured family name as a middle name. If even that is a step too far, be prepared to have a conversation with family members about your name choice and, instead of dismissing the rejected family name out of hand (which might cause offence), line up some strong, positive reasons for choosing an alternative.
If, when you choose a name, you can predict that your parents, siblings and in-laws will react with shock, horror or incredulity, then it is probably a good indication that you might have gone too far down the road of eccentricity and individuality. If even this does not deter you, then stick to your guns – ultimately the choice of your baby’s name, no matter how eccentric or ill-advised other people might find it, is yours, and they must accept it with good grace.
January is peak dieting season, and we all know that diets bring many etiquette challenges, both for hosts and dieters alike.
This is not a new phenomenon: diets and weight-loss have been preoccupying human beings for centuries. In 1820 Lord Byron, who was obsessed with his weight, advocated drinking three tablespoons of vinegar in water before each meal to stimulate fat loss. The first diet book, snappily titled “Letter on Corpulence Addressed to the Public” by Dr William Harvey was published in 1862 and recommended cutting out virtually all sugar and starch. Calorie counting was first mooted as an aid to weight loss in 1918 and in 1925 Lucky Strike launched an advertising campaign that recommended smoking cigarettes rather than eating sweets.
Weight Watchers can trace their origins back to 1963. Just nine years later, the famous Atkins Diet, which recommended cutting carbohydrates to an absolute minimum and focusing on protein and fat, was launched. The Beverly Hill Diet (1981) advised a blitz of fruit only for 10 days, followed by gradual reintroduction of other food groups, whilst fans of nuts, vegetables, fruit and meat embraced the Paleo Diet, launched in 2002, which followed in our cave-dwelling ancestors’ footprints. Fasting, or merely subsisting on juice, were the next trends, which also embraced the benefits of detoxing (another January buzzword). And so it goes on.
Whether you choose to follow a low-calorie, low-carb diet, or opt for one of the more esoteric fad diets, the experts all seem to agree – dieting, in the sense of restricting one or more food groups, rarely works in the long term. A permanent change of lifestyle and mindset is more effective in ensuring that any weight loss is not short-lived.
As we have seen, dieting was a craze through much of the 20th century and the impact it had on social occasions was much discussed. In an etiquette book for women published in 1956, the following observations were made:
“A guest can dispirit a whole party if she refuses the first course of scampi, scrapes all the sauce off the chicken, says no to potatoes, only helps herself to sprouts if they are boiled without salt and will not touch a drop of drink…
The heart of the matter for the dinner-party guest is how far to allow her slimming regime to intrude on the dinner party. From the dieter’s point of view there is no doubt that if the diet is to be effective there cannot be many exceptions. From the cook-hostess’s point of view nothing is so infuriating as a guest who waves away here loving prepared meal, merely because she is trying out the banana regime.”
Then as now… Clearly if you are on a diet and you are invited for dinner in someone’s home (restaurants are different as you have control over what you order), you must make a decision. Will you make a few concessions, eat what everybody else is having, but eat in moderation? Will you be discreet about this decision? Will you, if questioned by a concerned host about your restraint, explain that you are on a diet, and not let her think that the food is not up to scratch? If you have no desire to disrupt the dinner, these are the best options.
However, many dieters seem unable to keep quiet about their regime and are all too happy to bore the assembled company with the intricacies of their daily intake, the vagaries of their weight loss, the triumphant shedding of a few pounds, and so on. They might even bring their own food or ingredients, which is insulting to the host. They do not seem to be aware that a detailed discussion of their diet is extremely narcissistic and self-obsessed and goes against the whole sociable premise of a dinner party. If a dieter is going to disrupt conviviality, then it is better that they refuse invitations and opt out altogether.
If you have chosen to take the strict dieting route, remember managing to keep shtum about the day-to-day details of your regime is just one consideration; you must also make sure you don't turn into a tetchy party-pooper. Strict diets often mean feeling hungry and irritable, or 'hangry', and you need to be on your guard when it comes to displaying these feelings to other people. If you can't control your mood, stay away.
Hosting a dieter brings its own responsibilities. As a host, you might well be frustrated by a finicky guest, who eats only sparingly and rejects your more high-calorie offerings. But you must respect their attempt to lose weight, and you must never refuse to take no for an answer. So, never badger your guest, insist they have second helpings, repeatedly refill their glass (even though they put their hand over it), or pooh-pooh their choices. Don’t vent your frustration by pouring scorn on their specific diet regime (or diets in general), just accept that they have made a choice, and move on.
If someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.
DonIf someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.
Don’t overcompensate if one of your guests announces they’re on a diet. You’re under no obligation to change your menu to accommodate their diet diktats and inflict their food choices on your non-dieting guests. Just proceed as normal, and trust that the dieter will be able to negotiate your high-calorie temptations without making a fuss. Turning an entire table-full of guests into calorie-counters against their will is never a recipe for successful entertaining.
If someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.
Try and avoid saying “Have you lost weight?”, which some sensitive dieters might interpret as a comment on the excess pounds they were carrying before going on a diet. Instead, offer a more generic comment like “You look really well”. Proud dieters will immediately attribute the compliment to their weight loss and be entirely satisfied.
Remember, any discussion of your own weight is tedious but acceptable – unless you are being boastful. Any discussion of another person’s weight is still beyond the pale. Never make the mistake of thinking that your willingness to discuss your own weight gives you carte blanche to introduce someone else to the party. Comments along the lines of “I’ve found this amazing diet perhaps you should try it?” are never going to be welcomed, no matter how flabby the focus of your question.
Finally, if someone you know well has embarked on a hellish regime, keep up the praise and compliments and offer them every encouragement. In fact, your heart is probably sinking: your once entertaining friend or loved one may well transmogrify into a bore, a human calculator of calorie-counting, a dinner party guest from hell. Take a deep breath and brace yourself for the post-diet recriminations and guilt complexes.
The fresh start provided by a new year is an excellent opportunity to resolve to do things differently, to turn over a new leaf. Many of us will subscribe to the idea that a new year is a time for new year’s resolutions; unfortunately, many of us will also fall by the wayside – a recent YouGov poll indicates that only about 33 percent of people adhere to their resolutions.
Many of our seasonal aspirations are the inevitable fallout of the preceding Christmas season. We eat too much, drink too much, sit around doing nothing, and gradually become overcome by feelings of self-reproach. It’s no surprise that the most popular new year’s resolutions are quitting smoking and/or drinking; losing weight; sticking to a healthy diet; exercising regularly; spending less money – a predictable reaction to a season of over-indulgence and lack of self-restraint.
The other factor that links all these resolutions is their intense focus on the individual. January is a very inward-looking month, when people concentrate on their own shortcomings, fashion their own self-improvement plans, and are intensely preoccupied by their own goals and aspirations.
One result of this self-involvement and turning inwards is that people who are intent on their own priorities can be particularly blind or obtuse when it comes to their interactions with other people. The most common pitfalls are as follows:
•Lifestyle Evangelism
Many people who hit the ground running (sometimes literally) in January, and throw themselves into a new healthy living regime, experience encouraging signs of health and wellbeing in the first few weeks of the new year.
Unfortunately, instead of internalising these satisfactory feelings and enjoying the compliments on their ‘healthy glow’, they take it upon themselves to lecture friends and family on the undoubted benefits of their new regime.
While this unfortunate tendency to ‘spread the gospel’ might come from positive roots – a hope that other people will also experience these positive benefits – it demonstrates a disrespect for other people and their ability to make their own lifestyle choices. We must acknowledge that everyone experiences their physical and mental health in their own unique individual ways and, unless they actively seek help and advice, their wellbeing is their own business. Being lectured by new converts (and probably being all too aware that these fresh-faced evangelists are likely to lapse from their own high pedestal before very long) is one of the more tedious aspects of the new year.
•Lifestyle Bores
Even if new converts are not seeking to persuade other people to follow their path, there is still an unfortunate tendency amongst many to feel that their heroic new year efforts give them the right to monologue endlessly about their new diets, health regimes, fitness programmes, financial planning strategies, ad infinitum. As is often the case with people who are somewhat obsessed with, or at least fixated on, their own behaviour, they tend to lose all sense of their audience, and do not appear to notice the fact that they have turned into crashing bores.
If you find yourself embarking on a ‘new leaf’ monologue, which is often characterised by a needlessly detailed breakdown of your regime, stop immediately. Other people may well be interested by your travails (as long as you give a light-hearted account of them), or by amusing observations about the self-improvement phenomenon, but they certainly will not want probing, and deadly serious, insights into the day-to-day grind.
•Lifestyle Braggarts
Perhaps even worse than the bores, are the self-satisfied people who feel an overwhelming urge to boast about their new year achievements. They’re so blinkered by the aspirational messaging, that they feel it is appropriate to show off about their herculean efforts to achieve weight loss, improved fitness, or sobriety.
Boasting is never acceptable: if you deserve praise, it will no doubt be forthcoming but eliciting it will make the people around you feel resentful. They might also find your loudly trumpeted virtues are making them feel miserable about their own meagre, or non-existent, achievements, and you should never behave in a way that makes the people around you feel worse about themselves.
One way of ensuring that you won’t be trapped by these pitfalls is to revise and re-think the whole new year’s resolution phenomenon. Instead of turning inwards and focusing on self-improvement, why not think about making some small changes in your behaviour over the coming months that will greatly improve your social relationships and make your interactions with other people much more satisfying? In other words, focus on your manners rather than your mindset by doing the following:
•Improve your interactions with strangers
Resolve to make the world a more friendly place by smiling more frequently and being meticulous about your ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good afternoon’ greetings. In shops, bars and restaurants, offer heartfelt thanks – sometimes adding phrases such as ‘you’re so kind’ or ‘I appreciate it’ or ‘I’m so grateful’ is appropriate. Wherever possible, a miniature small talk exchange should be initiated; observations on the weather (‘there’s a really bitter wind today, isn’t there?”), or the surroundings (“whenever are they going to finish these roadworks?”) will get the ball rolling.
You will soon find that you are repaid in kind, and that every day embraces a series of micro-encounters that will make you feel better about yourself and other people.
•Give other people priority
At its most basic, this is simply being aware of other people and accommodating them. So, it’s always polite to hold open doors, to stand back and let other people off the train or bus first, to usher people in front of you with a gracious gesture (this applies to drivers as well as pedestrians). Once you notice the people around you, you might find yourself embarking on more elaborate courtesies, such as helping a pushchair-wheeling mother up the steps or assisting a passenger with stowing their luggage in an overhead rack.
•Give other people attention
Most of us are in the grips of a major distraction, which is our ever-present mobile phones. We bump into strangers on the street because we are mesmerised by the screen, we play with our phones at mealtimes or when our friends are trying to talk to us, we constantly fiddle with our phones and check our messages, even when there are other more important calls on our attention. If we make one resolution this year, it should be to refocus our attention on other people and away from these highly addictive gadgets, which are having a destructive impact on our social relationships and diminishing our ability to focus and prioritise.
•Give other people consideration
Resolve to exercise your empathy faculty. Try and imagine what other people are feeling in any situation, and amend your behaviour accordingly. If you’re running late, for example, imagine how tedious it must be for your friend to be standing outside the cinema waiting for you; text and apologise, and suggest you meet in a more comfortable place. Or, if you receive a social invitation and prevaricate about replying, imagine how frustrating it must be for your host, who doesn’t know if you’ll be attending. Resolve to stop dithering, send a definitive response immediately (with apologies for the lateness of your reply), and stick to it (imagine how insulting and inconvenient a last-minute change of mind could be).
In most social scenarios, it is possible to work through the consequences of your actions on other people and, if the impact is likely to be negative, to take avoiding action. The main thing is to ensure that you are finely-tuned to your environment and to the people around you and conscious of the impact you have on them, do not charge – heedless and self-preoccupied – into 2026…
The first few days in January are a big anti-climax for many of us. We feel we have over-indulged and over-spent during the Christmas period and we may well feel played out and exhausted by all the social commitments and bonhomie.
It is all too easy to slump into a post-Christmas stupor, and to focus firmly on individual priorities – fitness resolutions, healthy eating regimes, alcohol abstention plans, and so on. But before you shift your focus firmly to yourself and your recovery and self-improvement programme, make sure that you have adequately acknowledged all the people that have made stupendous efforts to ensure that Christmas went with a swing.
It is all too easy, with Christmas and New Year’s Eve now behind us, to overlook the thanks we owe our hosts. Whether they are family members or friends, the people who lay on elaborate Christmas feasts, or are willing to host large numbers of people for several days, are truly heroic.
Now is the time to send a formal note of thanks for Christmas hospitality. It is not enough to simply proffer verbal thanks on the doorstep when everyone is in a muddle of departure. It’s fine to leave it a few days, but do not overlook the more formal follow-up, and try and send your thanks by Twelfth Night (5th January), which marks the end of the festive period.
Before you send your thanks, work hard to recall the details of the festive proceedings, think about the efforts your hosts have made, and ponder – in the dull post-Christmas days – the special touches that made the event (whether it was a meal, a Christmas stay or a party) particularly memorable or outstanding.
Your hosts have made gargantuan efforts and may well be suffering from a slump after the event, so they will appreciate your thanks even more. It is common, when you have pulled off a big feat of entertaining, to feel a bit insecure and anxious about the event. You might even begin to obsess about details – Were your roast potatoes crisp enough? Were the post-Christmas party games too raucous? Was the Christmas pudding too heavy? It is at this point, when you are fretting about your hosting performance, that a reassuringly positive letter of thanks will be most appreciated.
Thank-you notes are always more effective when you focus on details of the event. Everyone can come up with a generic ‘thank you for having me’, but you will only truly convey genuine gratitude if you are able to focus on the particular and highlight certain details that really stood out. Whether it is the quality of the food (“the roast goose was so succulent and I particularly liked the pear and cranberry stuffing), the conviviality of the day (“I loved the fact that we all played games after lunch and it was wonderful to have a tv-free Christmas”), or the pleasures of meeting new people (“I was so happy to finally meet Emily – you were right, we had so much in common and we’re going to meet up in the new year”), it is the details that will really make your thanks ring true.
Thank-you letters may seem old-fashioned, but there is no doubt that a handwritten note, preferably on decent stationery (no lined sheets torn from a notebook in an envelope pilfered from the office), packs an extra punch. Most recipients will appreciate that you have made an extra effort to convey your thanks. They may well recognise your writing and find it reassuringly familiar. They will also acknowledge that you have had to procure a stamp and locate a postbox – all these little signs of effort communicate that your gratitude is genuine.
If you are someone who never puts pen to paper, you will choose a digital option, and there is no doubt that written thanks, however they are conveyed, are always better than a verbal acknowledgement. Emails will give you more scope to personalise your thanks and focus on details. Texts are generally short and more mundane and there is a danger that your message might come across as perfunctory (though a lot will depend on the relationship you have with the hosts and your usual ways of communicating with them).
You might be looking back on your Christmas festivities with a jaundiced eye. They may have not gone particularly well, but this is not a reason to forego thanks. Even if the day was filled with culinary disasters and social pitfalls, try hard to find something positive to say – there really is no point compounding the host’s post-event misery by simply ignoring the whole debacle.
Some of your post-event discomfort might be caused by your own behaviour. If you are uncomfortably aware that you blotted your copybook, now is the time to make amends. We all know that Christmas brings a host of social pressures: it is scarcely surprising that claustrophobic gatherings of ill-assorted people, who are cooped up together and probably drinking too much, often end up with drunken arguments, fractiousness or resentment.
If you are regretting your own behaviour, you really should add an apology to your thank-you note. As with all apologies, it is essential that you acknowledge the offence and express your regret for any discomfort you have caused. Do not offer excuses and never use the word ‘if’. If you find yourself writing phrases like “I’m sorry if I spoilt the Christmas Day atmosphere – I was really exhausted after a hard day at work and the long drive and I probably had a bit too much to drink”, think again. Cut out the prevarications and excuses and just say something like “I really must apologise for my behaviour on Christmas Day – I’m afraid I drank too much, which was inexcusable”. Most hosts will forgive your behaviour if they feel you have fully acknowledged it, and doing so as soon as possible will avoid the festering resentments that can all too often cloud the Christmas aftermath.
It is no secret that Christmas is a time when many people succumb to feelings of stress and depression, with a Mental Health Foundation survey finding that 54% of people were worried about the mental health of someone they knew during the Christmas season. Undoubtedly Christmas pressures can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and make this a challenging time of year for many people.
There are many ways to counter these negative feelings and to ensure that you, and the people you care about, do not succumb to them. We look at the ways in which good manners, empathy and consideration can ease the Christmas burden:
This is a time of year when many people feel compelled to project images of perfection on social media. They bombard us with a diet of champagne and caviar, glittering parties, twinkling lights, groaning tables and perfect presents. We are invited to enter their fantasy world, revel in their success and admire their savoir-faire. For most of us, who are struggling with mundane errands, stretched budgets and family fractiousness, this alternative vision is both compellingly aspirational and utterly depressing. We know we can never measure up to the fantasies and feel all the worse for it.
Try and avoid this sort of posting around Christmas and, if you do stumble upon it, try and counter its ill effects by reminding yourself that people who feel the need to boast about their perfect lives are probably over-compensating for deep-seated feelings of social inadequacy, or should simply be pitied for their troubling lack of tact and sensitivity.
This is a time of year when saying no is a vital social skill. Feeling socially overstretched or overextended is often the root of Christmas anxiety, so it is important to control yourself and resist the temptation to be all things to all people.
If you’ve been invited to one event too many and really feel you can’t face it, write your host a polite note or text, saying something unambiguous, along the lines of “Thank you for inviting me to xxxxx. I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to come – I do hope you all have a great time.” There’s really no need to add an excuse or explanation (although of course you may choose to if you want to soften the negative), the important thing is to make your refusal non-ambiguous, with no prevarication or uncertainty.
Bear in mind that a tendency to agree to everything will either lead to social burn-out, or you will hit a wall where you start to let people down at the last moment, leave them in the lurch, or simply don’t show. It’s far better to be polite, decisive and clear-cut.
If you’re a host, learn to accept other people’s refusals. When someone turns down an invitation, don’t try and persuade them to change their mind, or refuse to take no for an answer. Inevitably, there will be people who turn down your invitations and you should never interpret this as a personal slight. Politely accept the refusal and move on.
At times like this, when expectations run ridiculously high, it is easy to feel that your own Christmas plans do not measure up, and it is very tempting to over-compensate by throwing money at the problem. This can lead to a destructive cycle of over-spending, money worries and debt, which is a very far cry from the Christmas spirit and may have negative consequences in the months to come.
Remember that kindness, conviviality and good spirits will go a very long way to paper over any shortcomings in the catering or presents on offer. Focus on these intangible values rather than on material goods and don’t be shy about setting limits on expenditure, or politely asking for contributions from guests to help ease the burden.
Christmas is hard work: according to a YouGov poll, 51% of women (as opposed to 35% of men) found Christmas to be stressful. Many people feel overwhelmed by an avalanche of obligations: shopping, cooking, cleaning, hosting duties, keeping children happy. A very common response to this amount of pressure is passive-aggressive martyrdom – the sufferer takes on ever more work, steadfastly refuses offers of help and emanates a mood of aggrieved righteousness.
Don’t fall into this trap – it will poison the Christmas atmosphere and won’t do you many favours when your energy really begins to flag. Resolve to accept offers of help and, if they are not forthcoming, to ask explicitly for assistance. Don’t wait until you’re at the end of your tether, when requests for help become increasingly anguished and socially awkward.
If you’ve trod this path before and know that you’re likely to be cast in the role of chief cook and bottle-washer, it might be a good idea to have a polite discussion with other members of your family beforehand and allocate them certain responsibilities. No one person should have to take on the complete Christmas burden.
We all know Christmas is meant to be a time of indolence and indulgence. Many of us will enjoy several days off work and are looking forward to lounging around, eating, drinking and doing very little. But there are dangers: alcohol is a depressant and if you drink too much over the Christmas period you may find your mood turns sour and you’re perpetually hungover. Christmas food is delicious, but a succession of huge meals, interspersed with an array of sweet and savoury snacks, will soon make you feel bloated and uncomfortable. These disagreeable physical sensations may well be accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-reproach.
Try and offset the impact of over-indulgence by getting out, taking regular exercise and moderating your intake of food and alcohol. As a host, you can encourage your guests to join you on a country walk, or arrange to meet friends for a walk, rather than arranging another epic drinking and eating session. But you will have to accept that everyone has different tolerances for food, drinking and relaxing, and some of your friends and family may well be reluctant to respond to your suggestions – if that’s the case, don’t push it; you will be seen as an annoying nag or an over-energetic cheerleader, and will get little thanks for your pains.
You might also find that getting out on your own, away from the claustrophobic atmosphere of celebrations, will clear your head and renew your appetite for socialising. Carving out some time for yourself during this busy period is always a good idea.
Feelings of loneliness can be acutely painful at Christmas so, if you’re lucky enough to be joining friends and family, keep an eye out for people who might be on their own. You may find that your invitations and overtures are turned down, and you must respect that decision, but it’s still worth checking up on them and maintaining easy-going contact throughout the Christmas period – many people are reluctant to admit they’re feeling lonely and do not want to ‘impose’ on people they don’t know so well.
At this sociable time of year, it’s easy to find a pretext to drop in on neighbours or people who are on their own at Christmas – you can always pop around with a card and/or a bottle of wine, a plant, some home-made mince pies etc, and make sure that they’re surviving the season. Impromptu invitations may also be well received.
We all make a big fuss of Christmas and inevitably the aftermath can feel anti-climactic. It doesn’t help that at this time of year the days are short and dark, and the weather is challenging. Christmas over-spending and over-indulgence can also contribute to the January blues.
We’ve all experienced the post-Christmas crash, so it makes sense to make plans and find ways of counteracting it. Book a theatre or movie outing in early January, invite friends round for lunch early in the new year, or arrange to meet up for a country walk and a pub lunch. With some strategic dates in the new year’s diary, you’ll have something to look forward to as the Christmas season comes to a close.
For many of us Christmas is a daunting juggling act. It involves hospitality, large-scale catering, present giving. It also embraces a slew of emotions and challenges, from managing expectations and dealing with disappointment to gloating, complacency and over-excitement. By any standards, it is a potential etiquette minefield, requiring reserves of empathy, tact and diplomacy. How are you going to handle the Christmas season?
We’ve come up with ten indispensable Christmas recommendations, which should stand you in good stead if you’re hosting this year:
It’s easy at this time of year to get carried away by all the Christmas hype: decorations abound, Christmas songs are playing, adverts depict perfect family festivities. While of course it is natural to want to lay on the best Christmas possible, do remind yourself that much of the Christmas build-up is about marketing hype and that your emotions are being manipulated. Don’t set yourself an impossibly high bar, just focus on what is possible and do the best you can.
We are increasingly having to accept that we’re all welded to our mobiles and liable to consult them whenever there’s a slack moment. Many of us are avid users of social media and will be itching to post about Christmas Day to all our followers. Some members of our family won’t be able to be with us, and we will want to communicate with them by text or video call.
So, there are circumstances in which mobile use can be tolerated on Christmas Day, but there are also times, eg the Christmas meal, when you might find an inability to leave the mobile alone enraging. You don’t want to snap on Christmas Day itself and end up having an argument with a recalcitrant teenager or an Instagram-addicted guest. So, if you fear your guests might be digitally transgressive, it’s always a good idea to give them some warning, even if it’s just a text beforehand along the lines of ‘We’ll be eating our Christmas dinner at 2pm and just to warn you I’m banning all phones from the table for the duration of the meal!”. Given what you’re putting yourself through as a host, they can hardly object.
We all know that Christmas is an ultra-expensive time of year, demanding heroic feats of catering and hospitality. If you’re hosting for Christmas, you may be feeling that you have taken on a herculean task. You might also be fretting at the strain that Christmas hospitality will put on your household budget. In these straitened times, it’s quite acceptable to confront this issue head on.
Most people will find asking guests for a financial contribution very awkward, especially at a time of year when generous and hospitality is prioritised. So, if you feel you need some help with Christmas hospitality, you might find it much easier to ask guests for actual contributions (eg wine, champagne, aperitifs or digestifs, a cheese board, a side of smoked salmon). If you ask well in advance if they wouldn’t mind helping you out and specify clearly what you would like them to provide, most people will be quite relieved. We all know that Christmas hospitality is onerous and expensive and want to make a useful contribution. When you ask your guests to bring something don’t feel that you must go into long-winded explanations about the expense of Christmas catering or your strained Christmas budget – that will make the whole transaction feel awkward. Just say “I was wondering if you’d mind bringing some xxxxxxxx on Christmas Day? That would really be a great help.”
If you are a guest, you can ease any awkwardness and pre-empt putting the host in an embarrassing position by asking well in advance about Christmas contributions. Just say to your host “Is there anything particular you’d like us to bring? If you give a couple of examples of possible contributions, that will indicate that you are thinking of something more generous than the standard bottle of wine, eg “Perhaps you’d like some cheese and salmon or some cognac and whisky etc”. Or you could offer to take responsibility for all the Christmas wine and say “I could order a mixed case of wine for Christmas”.
You may have taken on the role of Christmas host willingly of have had it thrust upon you, but once you have agreed to do it, you should accept that you have taken on certain responsibilities and do your best to fulfil them, without complaining or passive-aggressive signals (sighing, muttering, sulking).
If you begin to feel over-stretched, enlist the help of your guests. Hand out tasks and run operations, with military operation, from your kitchen headquarters. Never feel bad about involving your guests; most of them will be glad to help and would certainly rather make a contribution than having to endure your resentment.
Christmas entertaining often involves a whole range of generations, which brings particular pleasures and challenges. This is certainly the case with older guests, who may find the prospect of being away from home or spending an entire day en fête with a lively, over-excited family somewhat daunting.
Firstly, ensure that they are warm and comfortable. Christmas is not the time to stint on heating, but if you’re on a real economy drive make sure your older guests are seated next to the radiator or fire and supply hot water bottles and warm wraps. Pace the day to ensure that there are lots of breaks for cups of tea and opportunities for older guests to take time out from the maelstrom – ideally, create a separate space where they can enjoy a cup of tea and quiet chat. Give them opportunities to bow out when it all gets too much – whether they want to go to their room for a napor enjoy a Christmas movie in peace.
Relentlessly dragging all your guests into group activities, regardless of their age, energy level or disposition, will lead to frustration and short fuses. Give everyone the space to make their own choices.
We all have Christmas rituals, many dating back to our own childhood, which have been endlessly repeated until they become absolutely engrained. It’s wonderful to respect tradition, but sometimes it’s a good idea to ring the changes, especially as families develop and change over the time. Small, over-excited children become silent, headphone-wearing phone-wielding teenagers; children grow up and bring new partners into the household; parents become older and more infirm.
Stubbornly insisting that every Christmas is an exact reproduction of all the Christmases that have gone before is a recipe for disappointment. Take stock of Christmas every year and note what still works (eg a family game of Charades) and old habits that really aren’t still sustainable (eg a family walk in the park). Change your expectations accordingly and accept that Christmas is always evolving.
Embrace last-minute additions to your table with warmth and hospitality. If a stray friend or lonely acquaintance is suddenly suggested as a late Christmas addition, take it in your stride. When you are offering a substantial Christmas meal, numbers are never so much of an issue. Most people over-cater for Christmas and extra mouths to feed do not present a major challenge.
Prepare yourself for surprise guests by always having some back-up generic presents in reserve (drink, chocolates, toiletries, or quirky craft items that you’ve bought at the local Christmas fair). That way, you’ll always be able to make your late addition feel doubly welcome by having a present ready for them.
For some of us, the exchange of presents is the main event on Christmas Day, while many people will be anxious to get the whole business over and done with and move on to the Christmas aperitif.
Nevertheless, if you are going to exchange presents (even a streamlined version), do it properly. Gather everyone together and take it slowly, so that each giver has the opportunity to see the recipient open the present and is also able to accept gracious thanks.
Children’s natural tendency is to rip through their presents at an alarming speed, agog to see their Christmas booty. Try to restrain this untrammelled greed; they need to learn to control their baser instincts, and acknowledge each gift in turn.
As a host you cannot control your guests’ reactions to their presents, but it is to be hoped that they have the courtesy to appear delighted by whatever they receive, no matter how mundane, and are able to offer effusive thanks, even if they are disappointed. These simple acts of politeness are the least we should expect.
Christmas is, above all, a group celebration, so leave your personal dramas and preoccupations at the door and if you’ve got a big announcement (marriage, pregnancy, illness), wait until after Christmas day before you spread the news.
Christmas only happens once a year and, as far as possible, the day should be kept sacrosanct. It is an opportunity to take time out from normal life and enjoy in a day of indulgence and treats with friends and family. So, turn the attention away from yourself and find pleasure in focusing on other people.
Charles Dickens is often attributed with ‘inventing’ Christmas, most notably in A Christmas Carol, in which a loving, but poor, family triumphs and melts the stone-cold heart of the archetypical miser, Ebeneezer Scrooge.
The Christmas values Dickens discusses in this work have come to be seen as the ‘Christmas spirit’ –friendliness, warmth, good humour, positivity, generosity. We all know that it is sometimes very hard to maintain these feelings, especially when guests are mean or thoughtless, when we have run up Christmas debts, when our children’s shrill excitement and endless reserves of energy is beginning to get on our nerves.
But, as with all good manners, relentlessly adhering to positive codes of behaviour has an impact on the people around you and tends to attract reciprocal courtesy. So, plaster a smile on your face, be attentive to people’s needs, listen to what people are saying, don’t dominate the conversation, and you too will have a truly Dickensian Christmas.
Top: The Cratchits' Christmas dinner in Dickens's A Christmas Carol, illustrated by E. A. Abbey, 1876
In days gone by, Christmas was seen as a time for almsgiving and Boxing Day (26 December) is a remnant of this custom. The OED traces the earliest print attribution of the term to 1833, which is four years before Charles Dickens referred to it in The Pickwick Papers. Boxing Day (St Stephen’s Day) became an official bank holiday in England and Wales in 1871 and in Scotland in 1974.
There are two theories about the origin of the term. It has been postulated that it arose from the alms boxes that were placed in churches during the Advent season to collect contributions from parishioners for the needy and destitute. Another theory is that Boxing Day derives its name from the ‘Christmas boxes’ that upper class households distributed to their staff, which were filled with money, small gifts and Christmas leftovers and rewarded them for their service throughout the year.
Nowadays Boxing Day is seen essentially as a time to recover from Christmas excess, watch sport on television and possibly indulge in a visit to the Boxing Day Sales. The custom of shops throwing open their doors on Boxing Day emerged in the 1990s when Sunday trading laws were liberalised. A frenzy of retail therapy and self-indulgence seems a far cry from the charitable origins of this bank holiday.
Nonetheless, Christmas is still seen as a time of year when charity should be uppermost in people’s minds, and the traditional practice of Boxing Day giving has now been extended to the weeks running up to Christmas.
In addition to making Christmas donations to favourite charities, it is customary at this time of year to offer thanks for services rendered over the past twelve months. In the days when each household was serviced by a regular postman, milkman, rubbish collector, grocer, and so on, it was traditional to give each person a generous Christmas tip. These days the situation has changed: many of us do not have regular postal deliveries, we encounter dozens of different couriers over the course of year, our contacts with rubbish collectors are perfunctory and we buy milk from the supermarket.
However, for those of us who do employ people on a regular basis, for example cleaners, babysitters, gardeners, now is the time to put our hands in our pockets and reward them for services rendered. When handing out tips face to face, eliminate the awkwardness of proffering cash and simply put a note or two in an envelope with a Christmas card, and write a note of heartfelt thanks.
Nannies/Au pairs: These invaluable employees are almost part of our family and are entrusted with our precious children. They certainly deserve a reward at Christmas and should not be fobbed off with cheap and tacky presents.
Give your nanny or au pair the equivalent of a week’s wages at Christmas. Also give them a present, perhaps saying it’s ‘from the children’.
Babysitters: If you have a regular babysitter who you use throughout the year, it’s a good idea to give him/her a cash gift at Christmas. The amount would depend on the regularity with which you use them and the amount you pay – an extra £20 would be generous.
Cleaners: Another invaluable helper throughout the year, your cleaner deserves a proper Christmas bonus – at least a week’s extra wages would be appropriate. You might also like to give them a small gift (plant, bottle of wine, scented candle, soap, chocolates).
Gardeners: If you employ a gardener/handyman regularly throughout the year, then treat them in the same way as you would a regular cleaner. If they help on a seasonal basis (ie the summer months) you should not feel obligated to reward them at Christmas.
Milkman: If you do still receive milk deliveries (and all the other items that are delivered with your milk these days), it is customary to tip the milkman during the Christmas season – a tenner wrapped up in a note saying “thanks and happy Christmas” will make an adequate gift when he collects the empties.
Postman: If you’re lucky enough to have a regular postie you might feel moved to reward him/her, especially if delivering to your house involves negotiating a long drive, an uphill climb, aggressive dog etc. A £10 tip would be generous.
Your Children’s Teacher: There was a time when parents of children at infant and junior school bought their class teacher a Christmas card and a small gift (e.g. bottle of wine, soap, box of chocolates, house plant). Nowadays, these gifts for class teachers and teaching assistants are usually organised on the class WhatsApp group and given by the whole class, so that the teachers and TAs don’t find themselves inundated with thirty mugs/plants/or boxes of chocolates. Parents usually contribute £5-10 each, depending on how many TAs there are.
The Christmas season is approaching and, while many of us are looking forward to it with feelings of positive anticipation, there are a substantial number of people who dread the festivities and would dearly love to opt out. Grumpily setting your face against Christmas and refusing to participate at all, will inevitably earn you the ‘Christmas Scrooge’ moniker, with all the negative connotations that carries. But are there ways in which the Christmas agnostic can avoid being condemned as a Scrooge and still distance themselves from the whole carnival?
In the run-up to Christmas, you will find that calls for seasonal bonhomie are inevitable, especially if you work in an office. Approaching the entire Christmas season with gloom and trepidation is not an option if you have colleagues who love the whole extravaganza. It really is best to accept this fact with good grace and see the seasonal shenanigans as a team-building exercise. While you may choose to opt out of the present-giving, Christmas Day-feasting fandango, it is the least you can do to wear a Christmas jumper with good grace, plaster a jolly smile on your face, and enthusiastically accept offerings of mince pies, mulled wine and Christmas crackers in the run-up to the big day. It’s just about demonstrating esprit de corps and it will be a black mark against you if you cast a cloud of Scrooge-like cantankerousness around the office.
Even if you don’t want to join your family or friends for Christmas Day celebrations, acknowledge that it is a sociable time of year and accept invitations for social events that are taking place around Christmas time. People who are worried about you and your obvious discomfort at this time of year will have their anxieties somewhat assuaged if you make the odd convivial appearance. They will also be less likely to hound you and persuade you to participate.
If you want to withdraw from Christmas, think about alternatives. You don’t have to disappear from the social scene entirely and you might find that it is possible to instigate a new tradition that is popular and novel.
You could follow the lead of our pagan ancestors and celebrate the winter solstice. The shortest day of the year is a great time for a midwinter celebration, and you can make it entirely your own: you could have a bonfire, fireworks, a dinner which celebrates winter ingredients (eg roasted parsnips or Jerusalem artichokes, fresh figs, quinces etc). Or you could eschew Christmas Day, but invite your friends and family around for a delicious meal on Boxing Day and offer them a fishy alternative to all the Christmas meats, for example a whole cooked salmon. You might soon find that your alternative invitations have become part of your friends’ social calendar and have become an institution.
Alternatively, you could take a look at Christmas Day itself and try and identify the reasons why you do not like it. Is it the heavy food? The orgy of present giving? The people you customarily spend it with? There are no rules and regulations about how Christmas should be spent, and customs evolve and change. You could spend Christmas with friends rather than family, ban present giving, go for a vigorous country walk, eat a delicious curry. Nothing is fixed and it’s down to you to find ways of getting the most out of this time of year.
For some people, the advice given above will simply not be persuasive. They may have profoundly good reasons for their dislike of Christmas: it might be associated with loss, bereavement and family tragedy. Or they may simply consider that it is a time of year that emphasises feelings of loneliness and depression. The relentless diet of Christmas adverts and seasonal tv programmes can overwhelm us with a confected, saccharin version of Christmas that makes many people feel dissatisfied and inadequate.
For some people, the best solution is to withdraw completely. They might prefer to spend the day on their own at home, indulging in their favourite food and binge-watching escapist television, blissfully removed from all the expectations, disasters, disappointments and dramas that they have come to dread.
Whatever the choice of the Christmas nay-sayer it is vital to communicate it clearly to friends and family. Many people will choose to interpret a withdrawal from seasonal celebrations as a cry for help, an indication that the person in question has not been adequately encouraged to participate, and they will renew their invitations and refuse to take no for an answer. This is much more likely to happen if the decision not to take part is conveyed in conversation: people hear what they want to hear and are often unwilling to listen to what is really being said. It is therefore sensible, well before the Christmas season, to write a note or email to the importunate host, clearly outlining and explaining the reasons for your decision not to join in the festivities.
If you are attempting to explain your case of the Christmas blues, never justify yourself by offering a critique. A long spiel about wastefulness, kitsch, greed, eco-irresponsibility and guilt-tripping is just going to cause needless discomfort and distress to potential hosts. You must take responsibility for your own decision, and make it about your own shortcomings or predilections, not everybody else’s.
Christmas cheerleaders who love this time of year and cannot conceive of anyone not sharing their point of view, beware. While it is always a good idea to extend invitations to everyone you would like to attend, including well-known Scrooges, it is also vital to accept refusals, and to respect the individual’s choice. Endless nagging and attempts to persuade them to change their minds will only confirm their already jaded view of the season.
The main thing is to demonstrate that the Scrooge has not been forgotten: it is one thing to decide to opt out of Christmas when you are the possessor of a Christmas invitation; it is another thing to be bereft of seasonal invitations and to have little choice but to spend Christmas on your own. In these circumstances, many people will present their decision as a rejection of the whole Christmas palaver, whereas the truth might be that they really have no alternative.
If you are a Christmas Scrooge but have been subjected to persuasion and social pressure and feel that you have been railroaded into joining a Christmas celebration, you must accept that it is your social responsibility to join in with good grace. That means bringing gifts and good cheer, remaining positive throughout the day, and being prepared to fit in with the hosts’ agenda, whatever it may be. Once you have been persuaded to attend, you must put all grumpiness behind you. And keep reminding yourself: it’s just one day out of 365.
An estimated 8.32 billion emails are sent every day in the UK and it is scarcely surprising that as this mode of communication has become ever more widely used, a myriad ways of opening and closing emails have developed. The strict rules of letter-writing etiquette do not really apply to emails, but nevertheless it is sensible to follow these guidelines to ensure that you don’t cause offence or insult your recipients because you are over-familiar or over-formal:
Old School
These salutations are direct descendants from traditional letter-writing practice. The email is opened with ‘Dear’ followed by the name, and it is up to the writer to decide the level of punctiliousness required. It is increasingly common, even in the professional and business worlds, to use the forename if the recipient is known to you. If the email relates to a formal business transaction with, for example, a solicitor, accountant or insurance broker, you might feel that the occasion demands the more old-fashioned use of ‘Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms’.
Where the name of the recipient is unknown and you are writing a business email, it is quite appropriate to default to the old-fashioned ‘Dear Sir or Madam’, although ideally you would try and find out the name before writing.
If in doubt, revert to traditional convention, and if you are in receipt of a formal email echo the salutation. If you feel the use of the surname is ridiculously stiff, you can always opt for the ‘Dear John (if I may)’ formulation.
‘Dear’ is by far the most common salutation; most people use it for business and social communications, but there are a growing number of other greetings that are being deployed to convey relaxed informality, friendliness, inclusivity.
Laid-back
The use of ‘Hi’ or ‘Hello’ followed by the forename is growing in popularity and is used amongst friends and, increasingly, business colleagues. In the latter context it is fine for day-to-day communications, but it would seem a bit incongruous if your email was about something serious or important, eg a request for a pay rise, a notification of redundancy, a customer complaint. You have to accept that ‘Hi’ sounds familiar and breezy, and only use it in circumstances where this is what you want to convey.
‘Hi’ is gradually mutating to ‘Hey’ in some circles. This is clearly intended to sound cool, which is fine amongst friends, but often not ideal in other professional contexts. Starting an email with ‘Hey there!’ implies that you do not actually know the name of the recipient but you think you’ll get away with it by sounding easy-going.
Generic
Some people are trying to avoid the whole salutation dilemma by coming up with generic openers (no names included), such as ‘Greetings’. While this sounds perfectly friendly, it seems to indicate that the writer does not know the name of the recipient or is sending the email to an extensive list of names. This depersonalisation inevitably makes the email feel like a circular or piece of marketing material.
Abrupt
People who want to look busy and important often strip down the salutation. They might just use ‘Hi’ with no name to follow; alternatively, they might just preface the email with a forename and no salutation, or even dispense with the salutation altogether. In all these cases, the effect is to sound rude and peremptory.
Old School
If you are writing a formal business email, which is effectively a digital version of a traditional letter, then you should follow well-established etiquette practice. A salutation of ‘Dear Sir’ is matched with ‘yours faithfully’ and a salutation of ‘Dear Mr Rivers/Ms Emerson’ is matched with ‘yours sincerely’. It should be noted that this is at the most formal and decorous end of the spectrum for email formatting and nowadays would tend to be used for official business.
As with greetings, the safest bet is to match the tone and formality of emails you have received – becoming informal too quickly might seem overly casual. If you are initiating a correspondence with a business contact and you have never met, it would probably be safest to default to these more formal sign-offs, especially if the person you are writing to is more senior.
All Good Wishes
Most of us use signoffs that fall into this category, which ends the email on a warm and positive note. At the formal end of the spectrum are signoffs that use the word ‘regards’. The OED cites the first use of the phrase ‘kind regards’ to 1810, by the poet Robert Southey, although the etymology of the word ‘regards’ (from the French,, regarder) dates back to the mid 14th century when it was used to mean a ‘consideration’ or ‘judgement’. This long-established valediction is quite ceremonious. If you ask someone to ‘send my regards’, it is a considerably more formal request than ‘send my love’. So the email signoff is somewhat mitigated by the use of words like ‘kind’, ‘best’ or ‘warmest’.
A more casual version of this kind of signoff is ‘best wishes’, which is bland and neutral and not likely to cause offence.
With Gratitude
Emails can be rather blunt and unadorned, so it is not surprising that some people choose to soften this edge by choosing grateful sounding signoffs. Inevitably, these are only applicable if the email exchange has involved a request or acknowledgement of a favour. It might be diplomatic, if you’re asking someone to do you a favour, to sign off with a ‘Many thanks’.
Reserve these signoffs for situations where a successful transaction is sought or has taken place; signing off with ‘many thanks’ when you are, for example, nagging someone will come across as passive-aggressive, eg “Have you had time to finish that report I requested last week? Many thanks….” ‘With gratitude’ is at the most grateful end of the spectrum and should only be used if you’re feeling genuinely effusive, otherwise it sounds creepily beholden.
Too Busy to Bother
Abbreviated signoffs like KR and BW are passive-aggressive. Is it really too much effort to write out ‘Kind regards’ or ‘Best wishes’? By abbreviating these short phrases, you are indicating that you are too busy or important to bother with the mundane business of signing off your email politely.
Not signing off at all is just rude, unless you know your correspondent really well – you are reverting to a texting style (with no salutation or sign-off), whereas an email should be treated as a quasi-letter.
Super-Informal
Breezy or affectionate signoffs like ‘Cheers’, ‘Have a good weekend!’, ‘Byee!’, ‘love’ are friendly and cheerful and are certainly fine for close colleagues or friends. Most people will respond positively to an informal sign-off, the only risk of using them is if you are communicating professionally with someone who is senior to you. Be careful about using them in professional email threads, especially if the correspondence is being reviewed by a manager, who may frown upon your informality, or find it a little presumptuous. ‘Cheers’ is upbeat and casual, and as such would sound somewhat cloth-eared if you were writing an email that conveyed bad news. Only use this signoff if you want to sound positive and friendly.
If you’re really close to someone, you might dispense with signoffs altogether, just adding your name or even your initial. Signing off with a kiss (x) is fine in certain contexts and with certain people, but it is not the norm in office communications, and it is probably best to think twice if you’re a compulsive email kisser. Not signing off at all turns the email into a text format and looks troublingly abrupt.
