It’s the time of year for office parties, which for many of us can turn into etiquette minefields. When ‘end of term’ high spirits and alcohol are mingled with suppressed workplace resentments, grievances and office crushes, it can lead to regrettable incidents that cast a long shadow. For many of us, offices are an important part of our everyday lives, and it is therefore imperative that you don’t let Christmas disinhibition blot your copybook or alienate your colleagues.
The office party has also been somewhat transformed by the rise of hybrid working. Many of us spend substantial parts of our working weeks at home and are becoming unused to day-to-day socialising with colleagues. This fracturing of office social life makes it all the more important that teams are brought together from time to time in a non-working context and Christmas offers an excellent excuse. But because we are unused to seeing each other regularly, these events become more highly charged and we are often more hectic and high-spirited than we might have been in the days of mundane, everyday interactions.
1. It is important that your corporate hospitality looks generous, and nobody will appreciate an invitation to an event that makes various stipulations about paying bars or restrictions on drink. If you are struggling with a tight entertainment budget this year, think about ways in which you can save money without appearing tight-fisted, for example by selecting a more modest venue, or specifying a shorter time span (eg 6-9pm rather than 6-midnight). Being obviously stingy with drinks and food will cause simmering resentment amongst your workforce.|
2. Be meticulous about invitations, and make sure that everyone who has any role on your team (even people who are freelance or work entirely outside the office) is invited. Try to send out invitations with a reasonable amount of notice, and make sure that they are clearly worded: date, time, venue, nature of the event (drinks, drink and supper, etc), dress code (if applicable).
3. As a manager, you are essentially a host, so act like one. When you’re at the party, make sure you mingle and exchange a few words with all the employees invited. Now is not the time to sequester yourself away with other company leaders; Christmas parties are the perfect time to break the ice and get to know your staff.
4. Keep it affable and don’t talk shop. While it’s fine to exchange a few positive remarks with your employees, along the lines of “we’ve had a great year, and thank you very much for everything you’ve done”, now is not the time to start talking about upcoming meetings, new year sales strategies or targets.
DO
•Attend
We all know that office parties come at a very busy time of year, and may well clash with other social arrangements, but it is a really good idea to prioritise them. It’s all part of the workplace esprit de corps, and if you’re a no-show your colleagues might take it amiss (unless you have a very good excuse) and feel that you’re very obviously indicating that you have better things to do. They will feel disregarded and downgraded, and you may well find that a single social lapse has a negative impact on your workplace relationships.
•Attend willingly
Bearing in mind the above, it is a really bad idea to grudgingly attend an office party, while telling everybody about the social engagements you’ve had to miss to do so. This will not only make your colleagues feel like the second-best option, your social grandstanding will antagonise them – nobody likes people who boast about their packed social diary and (infinitely more) glamorous invitations.
•Eat beforehand
Often office parties start straight after work and that means that you’re likely to have a few drinks before any food is offered (and often the food offerings are insubstantial). If you haven’t had a decent lunch, you’ll be drinking on an empty stomach, with all the risks that entails. Of course, you’ll want to have an enjoyable time, but remember intoxication and office hierarchies don’t really mix, and the more disinhibited you become, the more likely you are to put your foot in it or say something career-endangering or embarrassingly indiscreet.
•Think carefully about dress
This is often not an issue, as people turn up at office parties in work dress. But if your party is an evening affair and the expectation is that you’ll dress up for it, think carefully. You’ll want to show that you’ve made an effort to look good, but pulling out all the stops and wowing your team members with an extravagantly glamorous or provocatively revealing showstopper might not be the best policy and you may well be outdoing your colleagues and making them feel uncomfortable. Save that outfit for partying with friends and play it safe.
•Try and talk to as many people as possible
It’s really not a good look to spend the evening in a huddle with your best office friends, not deigning to talk to colleagues you might not know as well. The party is a good opportunity to put names to faces and meet people from different parts of the company. You’re all in the same boat, so it’s easy to march up to people you don’t know and introduce yourself and, if you do so, it will be noted and approved. If you spot any social wallflowers, or colleagues that you know are shy, do them a favour and include them in conversations and introductions.
•Drink moderately and know when to leave
Control your drinking by alternating water and alcoholic drinks. If you know you’re likely to get carried away and drink too much, it’s a good idea to ask a friend to keep an eye on you and drag you away when you’re straying into dangerous territory. In general, aim to leave before the very end of the party – if you’re still draining the last dregs in your glass while people are clearing up and locking the doors, you have definitely outstayed your welcome.
DON’T
•Resist posting on social media
It might be acceptable to take a group photo at the beginning of proceedings and post it, but the best policy is to put your phone away and forget about social media for the duration of the party. If you spend your whole evening posting tawdry images of the event on social media you won’t be making yourself very popular – most images of parties look sleazy and disreputable. And there’s a real risk that you might capture some indiscreet behaviour and broadcast it to all and sundry. Whatever you do, don’t tag the company’s official account.
•Beware buttonholing your boss
If you are intoxicated enough, you might misread the general air of bonhomie at the party as a golden opportunity to corner your boss and drunkenly ask for a pay rise, or a chance to air your views on company policy, working hours, team dynamics and so on. You will regret this misapprehension the following day.
•Avoid turning into a party cheerleader
Don’t force other people to drink. There is nothing criminal or sinister about those who believe they can have a good time on sparkling mineral water, and you should certainly leave them to their own devices.
•Never make a clumsy pass at your secret crush
If there are any possibilities of an office romance, you need to explore them somewhere else away from everybody’s gaze. The office party might well serve as an icebreaker, but your behaviour is being closely observed and will provide endless fodder for office gossips.
•Never take sick leave the following day
If you are expected to work in the office on the day after the party, do your utmost to comply, no matter how desperately ill and hungover you’re feeling. Everyone knows why you are calling in sick and your feeble lies will be a black mark against you, no matter how convivial or entertaining you were the night before.
The morning after an office social debacle can be an excruciating affair. The dimly remembered indiscretions of the night before are the water-cooler and coffee-machine gossip-fodder of the morning after. Walking into an office after a unfortunate social performance takes reserves of insouciance and chutzpah that many of us simply don’t possess.
So, remember the limitations of office life. Save your wildest, most uninhibited behaviour for you friends, and ration your intake of the demon drink at the work social. You may come across as demure and self-contained, but at least you’ll be able to hold your head up the following morning.
If indiscretions have occurred, what are you going to do about it? The average office party sin (straightforward drunkenness) may be best left without apology – your misdeeds may well be forgotten in the mists of alcoholic amnesia. But if you badly overstepped the mark, then it’s time to take a deep breath and humble yourself. Make sure of your facts (by making discreet enquiries of a trusted friend) before embarking on the process of apologising. You should know for certain what you did wrong, and to whom you should apologise.
The British are prolific Christmas card senders. Even in the face of steeply rising postal costs, the Royal Mail estimates that it handles 150 million cards a year and each British adult receives an average of 17 cards per year. Most surprisingly of all, there are reports that Christmas card purchases are rising in the 18-30 age group, a sign perhaps that a generation that has grown up with a battery of instant communication methods at their fingertips has come to value the old-fashioned pleasures of the traditional card.
Here's our four-point guide to Christmas cards:
There is evidence that some retailers are seeing a rise in single card purchases, indicating that consumers might be making discriminating choices about their cards, rather than opting for big variety boxes.
There is also evidence that many people are choosing to make their own cards, complete with stick-on glitter and home-printed imagery. Just remember that, with the possible exception of senior politicians and the royal family, sending out a photograph of your fabulous family is not the ideal Christmas greeting. It smacks of self-satisfaction and self-promotion, and these are not emotions that you should be disseminating during the festive season.
Buying Christmas cards that support a charitable cause is a venerable tradition, and it is estimated that Christmas card purchases raise an impressive £50 million per year.
Finally, think carefully about the imagery. If you’re sending out cards to a cross-generational mix of friends and relatives, you might have to consider carefully before sending out cards with rude jokes, saucy images or obscene greetings. You might have to consider buying different sets of cards for different groups of recipients. If you’re highly secular, religious images might seem incongruous – recipients who know you well will be puzzled by your appropriation of religious imagery. Take care when sending cards to those of other faiths: to this end ‘Season’s Greetings’ may be more appropriate than ‘Merry Christmas’.
If you care about recycling or you’re sending your card to someone who is very eco-conscious, avoid choosing a foil or glitter design. Choose a gloss or matte finish card instead, as these can be recycled.
The days when we all had over-stuffed address books, which were a palimpsest of our social history, full of crossed-out and new addresses for our oldest friends, are long gone. Many people no longer keep a record of their friends’ addresses (no longer necessary when everyone can be contacted by text, email or social media) and the Christmas season involves a mad scramble as would-be card-senders struggle to find current addresses, postcodes etc.
Learn from experience and find a way of recording addresses. This might well be a spreadsheet that you keep on your laptop rather than an old-fashioned address book, but just remind yourself how useful this level of organisation can be.
Christmas cards are a great way of keeping in touch with old friends, but you should use them as a simple aide memoire rather than the vehicle for an epic recounting of all your last year’s triumphs and travails. It is not practical to write extensive messages in every card you write, and your prosy greetings will get lost amongst all the other incoming Christmas communications.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can circumvent the onerousness of writing repeated long messages by sending a reproduced ‘round robin’ newsletters. Because these rambling accounts of your family’s doings are aimed at a wider audience, with no element of personalisation, they tend to become boastful, heedless monologues, which can be off-putting rather than engaging.
Keep your message short and sweet. It’s fine just to sign your name/s, or you can add a simple message of the “I hope you have a great Christmas and am very much looking forward to seeing you early in the new year’ variety.
Tailor your message to your recipient. If you’re sending a card to your manager, a neighbour or your child’s teacher, it’s not appropriate to sign it with ‘love’ and xxxx. Revert to the more formal ‘with best wishes’ type greeting. For semi-formal cards, sign with your forename and surname, for example ‘John and Jane Debrett’, rather than ‘Mr and Mrs Debrett’.
Handwrite your message and, if possible your envelope, in ink. Even for those who do not recognise your writing, handwriting makes it look like you have made an effort. People who are close to you will be familiar with your handwriting and – without opening the envelope – will feel a pleasurable pulse of anticipation and recognition.
Christmas cards are traditionally sent in envelopes with diagonal flaps. Always use stamps on Christmas cards – never put cards through your office franking machine. Keep an eye on last posting dates and make sure to get them in the mail on time – Christmas cards on the mat in the dog days between Christmas and new year are a somewhat depressing sight. Remember, it is fine to hand-deliver cards around your neighbourhood but, if possible, put them through the letterbox as it slightly undermines the gesture if you are physically handing over a Christmas card.
Rest assured, recipients will be delighted by the effort that has gone into writing and sending (or delivering) their card. They will recognise that you have had to purchase cards and stamps, find their address, handwrite a personal message and walk down to the postbox to mail the card. This represents so much more investment than merely sending an e-card, or texting a quick Christmas message, even if it is embellished by seasonal emojis. It would appear that the number of people who continue to send Christmas cards would agree that all that effort is worthwhile.
If you’re sending out invitations to a formal event this festive season you will be keen to get your forms of address right and to ensure that your invitations do not look slapdash or careless.
Many of us will be attending office parties this Christmas and will be enjoying a casual get-together with no anxieties about formal address and invitation styles. But Christmas is also a time of year when many companies and institutions host formal events and, if that is the case, invitations should follow these guidelines, which are also applicable to more formal social events:
•Invitations to official events are usually issued on a card, which may be engraved or flat-printed in script or Roman type. The invitation should make clear the nature of the event, the date and location, the dress code (if applicable), the time of the event and, if desired, the time it will end.
•The name/s of the guest/s are handwritten on the invitation, in the top left-hand corner, or in the allocated place in the centre of the card. On the invitation, guests’ names and titles are given in full (eg Mr and Mrs Hugh Berkeley, Lady Hermione Cork, The Earl and Countess of Tolworth), but postnominal letters are not included.
•On the envelope, on the other hand, guests are accorded their full professional title as well as postnominals (orders and decorations). While it was traditional for invitations to social events to be sent to the wife only, it is now customary for the envelope to be addressed in full to the couple.
•On envelopes, invitations to official events name the guest by his/her office (eg ‘The Prime Minister’) and/or name. This means his or her full title, rank etc, followed by his/her decorations etc. Prefixes such as ‘His Grace’, ‘His Excellency’ and ‘The Right Worshipful’ are, however, omitted, with the exception of ‘The Rt Hon’, which is included for a privy counsellor.
•Joint forms of address often pose challenges. The examples below offer some guidance:
The Rt Hon the Prime Minister and Mrs Downing or Mr Whitehall
The Duke and Duchess of Mayfair
The Lord and Lady Mayoress of London
The President of the Royal Academy, Sir John Burlington, KBE, and Lady Burlington
Mr Donald and Dame Helen Bond
Sir Eric and Lady Beaumont
The Master of the Worshipful Company of Haberdashers and Mrs Eileen Green
The Bishop of London and Mr Peter Worthington
The Earl of Aldford, OBE, MC and the Countess of Aldford
Dr James and Mrs Florence Curzon
Mr Richard and Dr Emily Mountjoy
Dr Sarah and Mr Richard Mountjoy*
Lt-Colonel John and Mrs Rebecca Mount
Mr Peter and Group Captain Helen Bruton
Brigadier James and Major Susan Stratton
Professor Walter and Mrs Rosemary Wilkinson
Mr George and Professor Catherine Fitzwilliam
Professor Sir Edmund and Professor Dame Alison Greenbury
The Reverend John and Mrs Anna Bolton
Mr Dominic and the Reverend Clarissa Berwick
Mr Henry and Mrs Fiona Hardwick (OR Mr and Mrs Henry Hardwick)**
*While it has been traditional for the man’s name to come first when married couples are invited, these days the woman’s name would come first if she is the prime recipient of the invitation (eg a female clergywoman at a church-related event, or a female academic at a university function).
** It has become increasingly common for married women and widows to use their own forenames and initials, rather than being called, for example, ‘Mrs Andrew Hill’ (even though in the past this was considered incorrect because it indicated that the marriage had been dissolved). If in doubt, check with the woman in question to avoid offence.
•Invitations to non-married pairs of guests take these forms:
Brother and sister – Mr John Edwards and Miss/Ms Louisa Edwards
Mother and son – Mrs George Chesterfield and Mr William Chesterfield (note that invitations to adult offspring are usually sent separately from those to their parents)
Unmarried couple – Mr Richard Maddox and Miss/Ms Elsa Curzon***
***In business, ‘Ms’ is often used as a convenient female equivalent of ‘Mr’. It is, however, always advisable to find out if someone prefers to be styled as ‘Miss’, ‘Mrs’ or ‘Ms’. Many women also prefer to be styled ‘Ms’ in social situations.
As we enter the party season, we’ve decided to take a look at stylish aperitifs and digestifs, which will bookend your festive meals. A good host should be able to offer a selection of drinks before and after dinner and there are a few traditional choices that are always a good idea to keep in stock.
While much of the time we are contented to drink wine all evening when we are eating with friends, it is undoubtedly the case that offering a range of aperitifs and digestifs will enhance your hosting credentials. Your savoir faire will be applauded and the evening will be that little bit more memorable. This will certainly be the case if you serve these drinks in the correctly shaped glasses, with all the recommended trimmings.
This is a pre-meal drink that stimulates the appetite and the palate. While a common choice is a glass of chilled white wine, sparkling wine or champagne, you can also offer chilled dry sherry, vermouth and Campari, a classic gin and tonic, or – more ambitiously – cocktails. If you venture in the world of spirits, remember that you are upping the alcohol content and some guests might be bowled over by your delicious concoctions, so proceed with care. This warning applies above all to the host, as getting intoxicated before the onerous business of serving the meal is a real hosting no-no.
•Sherry
If you keep a bottle of Fino or chilled Manzanilla in the fridge, your guests will find that these young, pale sherries are an excellent accompaniment to salty snacks, canapés or olives. At this time of year, you might want to opt for the richer flavour of Palo Cortado, dry Oloroso or Amontillado, which are delicious when served slightly chilled, and will really enhance savoury, herb-infused winter flavours, such as cocktail sausages or devils on horseback.
Serve in a tapered, stemmed glass that is the perfect shape for the unique flavour and aroma of sherry. Alternatively, use a wine glass with a generous bowl, which allows the aromas to develop.
•A Campari Cocktail
Some people find the bitter, aromatic taste of Campari, an alcoholic liqueur made from an infusion of herbs and fruit in alcohol and water, an acquired taste, but it a sophisticated option, redolent of Mediterranean evenings and Italian panache. It can simply be served with soda, or with prosecco and soda. But a cocktail that is simply made of Campari, vodka and a dash of Angostura bitters truly showcases its unique taste. Simply finish off with ice and sliced lemon.
Serve in a short, heavy tumbler (also referred to as an ‘Old Fashioned glass’ that is typically used for whisky and drinks that are served on the rocks.
•Martini
The classic martini is gin-based and works well because the juniper and aromatics in gin pair well with the herby taste of white vermouth. This fortified wine is blended and infused with different herbs and botanicals – once opened it is recommended you keep it in the fridge to avoid oxidization. If you prefer the blander, smoother taste of vodka, it is quite acceptable to substitute it for the gin.
To make a martini combine 2 parts gin or vodka with 1 part dry vermouth and ice cubes in a mixing receptacle. If you’re going to stir your martini (rather than shaking it in a cocktail shaker), wait 30 seconds, stir with a long bar spoon, then strain the cocktail into a chilled martini glass (simply put it in the freezer beforehand). Finish off by paring a lemon then pinching the back of the lemon peel over the martini (do not put lemon peel in the glass). Garnish with two or three green olives, speared on a cocktail stick.
Serve in an iconic stemmed V-shaped cocktail glass, which allows to be held by the stem, thereby keeping the drink cool, but enhancing the flavours of the cocktail.
These are drinks that are served after a meal, also known as nightcaps, which are traditionally drunk to aid digestion. Digestifs are usually strong and dark-coloured spirits, such as brandy, Cognac and whisky. Fortified wines, such as port or Madeira, are also traditional options, as well as sweet liqueurs.
Hosts beware: once you bring out your range of digestifs you will inevitably be committing to a protracted evening – your guests are likely to be beguiled by your range of delicious offerings and may show a tendency to linger over their drinks. So only go down this route if you are prepared to stay the course, as rationing guests to one drink and fretting about the lateness of the hour is never ideal hosting behaviour.
•Rum
A dark rum, aged for several years, has notes of toffee and spice and is an excellent complex drink for sipping and savouring. For those who find dark rum too challenging, golden rum – often used in cocktails – is also delicious drunk neat after a meal. If you have guests who are not fans of these dark, complex drinks and who have a sweet tooth and favour lighter drinks, you could always in invest in a bottle of spiced rum. This is a rum that has been flavoured with herbs and spices, such as cloves, cinnamon, cassia, vanilla, star anise, citrus fruit, nutmeg, cardamom, orange peel, and ginger, and many people will find it more palatable.
Serve rum in a tulip shaped glass, where the rim is slightly narrower than the bowl, directing the aromas to the nose.
•Whisky
The most prized bottles of Scotch whisky are single malts; these are produced from malted barley at a single distillery in Scotland. There are six recognised regions – Speyside, Lowlands, Highlands, Islay, Campbeltown and Islands – and each has its own distinctive style and character. Whisky should be drunk however you like it best. Adding water to a single malt is no longer frowned upon by the cognoscenti, but adding ice is still thought by many to interfere with the aromas.
If you like your whisky on the rocks, opt for an Old-Fashioned glass (see above). If you want to savour the aromas of neat whisky opt for a ‘Glencairn’ (tulip shaped) glass, which is a heavy-based tumbler with a narrow rim and a wider bowl.
•Cognac
Cognac (French grape brandy) has different grades depending on its age. VS (Very Special) is the youngest, having been stored for a minimum of two years in cask; VSOP (Very Superior Old Pale) is stored for at least four years but is often much older; XO is the oldest it must be stored in cask for a minimum of six years but, on average, is at least 20 years old. Some of the best (and most expensive) Cognac is an XO from a single estate.
Serve Cognac in a brandy balloon or brandy snifter, which is a bulbous glass which, when cradled in the palm, warms the spirit, intensifying the bouquet and enhancing the flavour.
•Herbal Liqueurs
You could also introduce your guests to the sophisticated world of herbal liqueurs. Their foundation is a neutral alcohol such as vodka, which is then sweetened and flavoured with a range of herbs and spices, such as anise, fennel, mint, chamomile, thyme, and various other botanicals. Experiment with some famous examples such as Chartreuse, Fernet, Strega, or Amaro. All these liqueurs should be served neat or on the rocks.
Serve these drinks in an Old-Fashioned glass, if you are serving them on the rocks. If not, choose a small-bowled liqueur glass, designed for elegant sipping.
•Port
Port is a sweet, fortified wine from the Douro region of Portugal; it is traditionally drunk with cheese or after a meal. Bottle-aged port spends little time in a cast, whereas cask-aged ports mature in wooden barrels until they are ready to drink. It is wine to be laid down, as a cask-aged port that spends two years in a barrel will last 20-30 years in a bottle. It is best to drink vintage port.
You can use the same sort of glass for port as you do for sherry, ie a tapered, stemmed glass, which will funnel the aromas up to your nose.
Port Etiquette
If a port decanter is placed on the table, help yourself and then pass it on, always to the left. If the decanter passes you without your glass being filled, never attempt to ask for the decanter, thereby making it change direction. The decanter must return to the host without being put down. The tradition of passing the port originates from naval dinners where there port was passed ‘Port to port’ around the table – ie to the left.
Party season is approaching and, with it, the strong likelihood that you will be receiving an invitation to a social event. Invitations can take on a multiplicity of formats and sometimes interpreting what they are trying to say and deducing what kind of event is being envisaged is a confusing hurdle for the partygoer, while creating an invitation that clearly explains what to expect can be a challenge for the host. We’ve devised a guide for navigating this social maze:
While it is true that social life has become increasingly casual and most socialising is arranged by text or email, when hosts are laying on a special event the first, and most, obvious way of advertising this fact is by sending an invitation rather than using more convenient instant messaging.
The most formal form of invitation is, of course, a printed physical object that is sent by post. For many of us, this is an increasingly rare phenomenon, usually only encountered in the form of wedding invitations. But you can be sure that if your host goes to the trouble of getting an invitation printed and posted, then you are the very privileged recipient of a special social summons.
Nowadays, a more common ploy is to design an invitation and then send it as an email attachment. While it lacks the social clout of stiff card and professional printing, it still would indicate that this is an event with ambitions. The design of the e-invitation is still indicative of the nature of the event (see below) and indicates that a certain amount of planning and organisation has gone into arranging it.
Whether your invitation is hard copy or digital, try and ensure that the appearance of it matches the event you are planning. Guests will interpret Copperplate type or an elegant, classic typeface such as Trajan, Garamond or Baskerville as indicative of a formal, sophisticated occasion. At the other end of the spectrum, a modern sans serif such as Helvetica, Gill, Univers or Avenir will signal a much sleeker and more contemporary feel. There are, of course, any number of typefaces in between, which can be used to convey zany eccentricity or humour or can evoke a distinctive era such as the 1960s or 1970s.
If your invitation is to celebrate a specific event, such as a birthday or anniversary, make this explicit – guests will not thank you if they turn up at a birthday party, for example, ignorant and empty-handed. Adding the words “to celebrate….” After the “You are invited to a party” line should iron out any confusion.
A text message or email note of invitation is convenient and direct but, above all, it indicates that the event is an impromptu, spur of the moment affair, which has not required much forethought. As such, it would be a real faux pas to mix messaging media and, for example, indicate a black-tie dress code on an invitation sent by text. Your guests might suspect you of social pretensions, coupled with cheapskate tendencies.
The very first question that most guests will want answering is “what is the dress code?” If they are in receipt of a casual invitation to a familiar event (for example a group of friends who take it in turns to host dinner), then they will know full well what to expect and there will be no confusion about the level of formality involved.
On the other hand, it is always useful to provide a dress code when you’re inviting a larger number of guests, many of whom may not be familiar with your entertaining style. If you do not specify a dress code most guests will assume that your drinks party is fairly informal and will default to smart casual clothing. This might cause them some anxiety (which of course you want to avoid) and they may be unsure that they have got the dress code right, which is not a good start to your party.
For ‘Smart casual’ there are several options: men can wear lounge suits, with or without a tie (which can always be removed if it feels too formal), or jackets and tailored trousers, shirts with collars. Avoid jeans, t-shirts and trainers. Women can opt for elegant dresses or trouser and jacket combinations, but should avoid full-length, sequinned evening gowns, which will definitely be over the top. They can always dress up their outfit with heels, a glittery evening bag, jewellery. It is always considered best to err on the side of being over-dressed as it least it shows that you have made an effort. Turning up at a smart party in jeans and a sweatshirt is a blunder, and it is very hard to remedy the situation when you are under- rather than over-dressed.
Generally, if old-fashioned terms, such as ‘black tie’ are used, adherence to the code is expected. It is increasingly common to use more generic terms such as ‘cocktail attire’, ‘smart frocks’ or ‘party dress’. These codes explicitly release guests, especially men, from rigid strictures. They can discard dinner jackets and bow ties if they choose and opt for smart lounge suits, velvet jackets, Nehru collars and so on. Women can choose whatever dress or trouser combination they feel will make them look chic and glamorous.
Another way of indicating that traditional strictures are being relaxed is ‘creative black tie’. A man might be able to take the basic building blocks of black tie and introduce some variations (eg a normal black tie instead of a bow tie), the addition of a glamorous waistcoat, or possibly a velvet smoking jacket instead of the standard black dinner jacket.
Hosts who indulge in more inventive flights of fancy, whose gnomic or provocative dress codes recommendations throw their guests into disarray, should not be surprised if the whole dress code question is a contentious point. As a guest you may have to be something of a mind-reader to conjure the associations your host has in their head when they use terms like ‘furs and candlelight’, ‘Gatsby glamour’ or ‘cosy opulence’. These codes are evoking an elusive ambience and as a guest you will have to find some mundane details – a fur stole, fur-trimmed evening gloves, feather boa, cashmere wrap – that chime with the general idea. Hosts should think carefully before setting guests this kind of challenge.
If you issue your invitations and are met by a flurry of anxious texts from your guests seeking dress guidance, then you can be sure you have not got the dress code guidance right. If you are the disconcerted guest, consider talking to a fellow partygoer and getting an idea of what they are planning to wear before you fly into a blind panic and contact your host.
It is considerate to indicate the anticipated time span of your party to your guests. It is quite common, in the case of drinks parties, for this to be relatively short. Adding, for example, ‘6pm–8pm’ to your invitation is helpful: it indicates that the party is only two hours, therefore guests will need to arrive promptly. It also tells your guests that you have an end time in view – while the party might overrun slightly, it is clear that it is an early evening affair and the expectation is that guests will move on for dinner.
Timings for more ambitious parties, which are anticipated to occupy the whole evening, can also be clarified. One option is to add an end time (eg ‘8pm–midnight’). If you are much more relaxed about the length of your party, you can indicate this (eg ‘8pm until late’). If you are sending a formal, traditional invitation you might want to use the old-fashioned formulation: ‘Carriages at midnight’.
Often the address to which guests should RSVP and the venue of the party are different, so it is very important to design the invitation so that the venue is centre-stage (along with the date). Unless the venue is famous (eg a well-known hotel or club), it is always useful to add a full postcode: guests can input it into their phone maps, or key it into their Satnav, and it will make finding it much easier.
This is a vexed question for many guests, who receive invitations and are unsure what kind of food will be provided and whether they should eat beforehand or arrange to go out for dinner afterwards.
It is safe to assume that an early evening party is essentially a drinks party. Hosts can hammer this message home by adding ‘Drinks and canapés’, but even if it isn’t explicitly added, guests can probably assume that some kind of light food will be provided.
If a party takes up the whole of the evening, however, it is important to apprise guests of the catering arrangements. The simplest option (traditionally in the bottom right-hand corner of the invitation, with the RSVP details in the bottom left) is to list a ‘mini timetable, eg:
Drinks 8pm
Supper 9.30pm
Dancing 11pm-1am
Or
Dinner & Dancing 8pm for 8.30pm
Or
Drinks 8pm; Buffet supper 9.30pm
Guests will know what to expect and can plan accordingly. If you do not mention that you are offering a substantial food element, guests may assume that only canapés will be provided throughout the evening and may choose to eat before the party.
All invitations require a prompt reply, whether it is an acceptance or refusal. However, many guests are remiss about fulfilling this obligation, so it is important to include a prominent RSVP (with an email address to make it easier for guests) on invitations.
Guests should reply as soon as possible and adhere to their response – changing your mind at the last moment is just rude. Take a moment to imagine the travails of your host and recognise that juggling guest numbers is always onerous, so it behoves you to be as prompt and decisive as possible.
The prospect of being overwhelmed by unwanted guests causes many hosts anxiety, and the best way to guard against this is to address invitation cards personally. On a traditional printed invitation, the convention is that the name of the guest/s is handwritten at the top left. If you are sending out digital invitations, you might consider personalising each invitation with your guest’s name. Either way, naming your guest/s, whether it is an individual or a couple, gives a clear indication that the invitation only applies to them. If, on the other hand, you are more than happy to welcome extra guests, then this should be explicitly stated, by adding ‘plus one’ or ‘and guest’; if possible, you should try and find out the name of any potential extra guests and add them to the invitation.
As a guest, you should respect these naming conventions and resist the temptation of bombarding your host with requests to bring extra people. If you feel you cannot avoid bringing an extra guest (eg if they’re staying with you for the weekend of the party), then you should write to your hosts beforehand, explain and seek permission.
The British pub is a world-famous institution, and one that has its own unique rules of etiquette and behaviour. As any visitor to the British Isles will soon discover, there is an extraordinary range of pubs from sleepy rural retreats to vibrant town centre student hangouts to glamourous palaces of carved wood and stained glass. Some pubs are for drinkers only and pride themselves on their range of locally brewed ales, while others offer anything from simply cooked English classics to lavish gastronomic specialities. Some pubs are quiet and conversational, others are rowdy, and many are hosts to live music or other entertainment.
But there is one overriding rule: whatever the nature of the pub, you must assess and respect the atmosphere. If other drinkers are sitting alone or quietly chatting in small groups, don’t ruin the mood with loud conversations or raucous games of pool or darts. Likewise, if you are in a busy town centre pub after work on a Friday there’s no point complaining about the boisterous group of office workers at the table next to you.
Pubs do not offer table service, so you will have to go to the bar and procure your own drink. In a quiet pub this is not a problem, but when pubs are crowded, customers mass around the bar and try to get the attention of the bartender. Although it really does not look like it, a kind of queuing system is in place; everyone is loosely aware of who is in front of them and who has come after them and a competent bar tender will also be keeping an eye on the seemingly anarchic dynamics.
Nevertheless, it is important when you reach the front of the bar that you catch the bartender’s eye – this can normally be done by no more than raising an interrogative finger. It is important that you do not ‘queue jump’ (even though it is hard to discern whether you have done so) and if you are wrongly signalled out for service ahead of your time, you should indicate who was there before you. This courteous gesture will be gratefully acknowledged and may well be reciprocated later in the evening.
When you get to the bar, it is advisable to order drinks that take a long time to pour (eg a stout) first – the head will be settling while your other drinks are lined up. The choice of beers available in many pubs can be deeply confusing, especially to foreign visitors. If you see an array of baffling beer taps you can ask the bartender for advice, and it is quite acceptable to ask to taste a sample of a draft beer. The server will simply draw off a small glass, which you can taste before making your judgement. Don’t abuse this service by asking to sample more than a couple of beers.
Tabs are generally only offered in pubs where you are also eating, so in most cases you will be asked to pay when you buy your drinks. There is not a culture of tipping in British pubs but if you feel you have been given excellent service you can simply say “and have one for yourself” to the bartender. They may choose to pocket the drink money or may enjoy a drink at your expense – it’s up to them. If you are rewarding exceptional service (which is by no means expected), you would only do it once, probably at the end of the evening, and not after every round.
If a goup of you are drinking together it is usual for people to take it in turns to buy a round for the entire group. If you find yourself in a round-buying situation, observe the following etiquette:
•Don’t opt out of rounds or hang back; you should never have to be reminded it is your turn.
•Don’t conveniently disappear to the loo when it’s your turn to buy a round.
•Don’t opt for overly expensive orders (for example a beer and a chaser) when other people are buying a round. The idea is to try and keep the expenditure broadly on a par from round to round.
•Don’t leave before standing your round; if you know you’ve got to leave before your friends, try to get your round in earlier.
•Try and pace yourself so that you match the other drinkers and, if you’re drinking like a fish, don’t hassle other people into finishing up their drinks or pressurise them into drinking more than they want. If you’re really drinking super-fast you can always ‘intercept’ an extra drink for yourself between rounds.
•Stand up and say “it’s my round” when all the drinkers’ glasses are about a quarter-full. This means that, by the time you have procured the drinks, they will be ready to move on seamlessly without any interruption in service.
•If you’re a non-drinker you might find a night of beer-drinking in a pub is pretty low on your list of social priorities. If you do decide to join your drinking friends and opt for soft drinks you will have to face the facts that you are spending more on your friends’ drinks than your own.
•Don’t be stingy or over-vigilant about the round-buying experience. You may be out of pocket on one evening, but the presumption is that you will be the lucky one on a subsequent night and ultimately it will all balance out over time. The main priority is to be open-handed and convivial.
Pubs are very sociable places, so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers – especially if a big sporting event is being shown.
If you want a quiet drink by yourself, try and tuck yourself away at a table with a book or your phone and the other drinkers will get the message.
Since drinkers buy their own drinks from the bar, room to sit at the bar on barstools is normally quite limited, and the few barstool seats in prime position are often the preserve of locals or regulars. If you’ve never been to the pub before, it is probably safer to opt for a table located away from the bar.
Smokers and vapers are compelled to go outside and in many crowded city centre pubs there is often a large knot of people milling about on the pavement. In country pubs there is usually a garden or outside terrace with tables and chairs for al fresco drinkers.
If you’re going to drink and smoke outside, especially in a city street, be mindful of neighbours and potential noise nuisance and take care not to block pedestrians from accessing the pavement. Use ashtrays provided and don’t drop cigarette butts on the ground. When you’ve finished your drinks, it’s helpful to bring your glasses inside; never leave them on a doorstep or window ledge or on the pavement, where they will inevitably get broken leaving hazardous shards of broken glass.
When we are with other people, whether it is professionally or socially, it is generally considered good manners to be agreeable, flexible and empathetic and bad manners to impose bad moods, frustrations and irritability on the people around us. We are taught to avoid mood swings and to keep our fluctuating internal barometers to ourselves – no one wants to be subjected to our emotional highs and lows; our aim should be to project equanimity at all times.
But, inevitably, there are many people who find it hard to control their moods and simple issues, like hunger, fatigue, or even an overload of sugar or alcohol, can tip them over the edge, and turn them from reasonable human beings into snappy, argumentative fight-pickers, or morose and gloomy brooders, who refuse to participate in conversation and emanate a poisonous air of dissatisfaction from the sidelines. At this point, a bad mood can easily turn someone into a killjoy, trailing a bad atmosphere, casting gloom over other people’s enjoyment.
It is alarmingly easy to become a killjoy: if you have had a bad day, or are feeling tired and irritable, your mood can very easily infect those around you. If, for example, you are sour-faced and self-righteously intent on avoiding alcohol, and all around you are throwing caution to the wind, abstention can very quickly turn into disapproval. Be aware of the effect you are having on other people: if your influence is baleful, then bale out.
While we all have good days and bad days, most of us are self-aware and self-controlled enough to detect our killjoy tendencies and try not to inflict them on our nearest and dearest. If you’re uncomfortably aware that you haven’t been at your best, or have cast something of a pall over proceedings, it might be a good idea to apologise and acknowledge any efforts other people have made to assuage your bad humour. You could make a quick phone call or send a text that says something like “Thanks for a great evening. My apologies if I was a bit grumpy at the beginning, I was letting work get on top of me, but you all really cheered me up.” Any irritation you have caused will soon be forgotten in the face of a gracious apology and often outlining the reasons for your moodiness will garner a sympathetic response.
We all recognise that our moods can vary according to an array of factors, from hunger levels and the weather to oppressive feelings of stress or depression. If your moodiness has its roots in the serious end of this spectrum, then you really need to seek help and understanding from the people around you; otherwise, you are likely to get into a vicious circle of displaying moodiness, winding up your friends, and then feeling resentful because they have not intuited the real reason for your behaviour. Expecting the people around you to be empathetic when they have nothing but guesswork to guide them is unrealistic. Sometimes it’s only polite to give people an explanation for aberrant behaviour; you will probably be pleasantly surprised by the sympathy and support that is offered.
Some people, however, are inveterate exploiters of their moods, using their regular plunges into melancholy, dejection or cantankerousness to manipulate the people around them. They swing wildly between conviviality and coldness, between upbeat friendliness and dour withdrawal, confusing and distressing the people closest to them. This form of emotional bullying can be highly toxic, forcing friends and partners into situations where they either feel anxious to appease or placate the moody person, or find themselves being provoked into anger and belligerence.
Here are some ways of dealing with moody manipulators:
•Opt out
If you are overwhelmed and oppressed by someone’s mood music, you do not have to endure it. At times like this, it is always a good idea to absent yourself – take a break, go out for a coffee, call another more cheerful friend. It is certainly true that other people’s bad moods can bring you down, and you need to fight against that.
•Stay calm
Remind yourself that the moodiness on display is very likely nothing to do with you and is not your responsibility – it probably has deep and complex roots. You therefore should not immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s your fault or feel bad about yourself.
•Consider expulsion
This kind of controlling behaviour is a very bad sign, and you should probably consider whether you really want to find your contentment is being dictated by another person’s moods. Remind yourself that you may well be inflicting this person and their moodiness onto other people that you really care about, and nobody will be thanking you for introducing this disruptive element into their lives.
Ask yourself why you are choosing to spend time with someone who is having such a bad effect on you and consider moving on.
•Be non-compliant
Wielding mercurial mood swings is generally a good way of manipulating people – either into doing something they don’t want to do or reducing them to a state of abject compliance. Most victims of moodiness acquiesce because it’s a way of keeping the peace, but if you refuse to give in, you might be able to break the pattern.
•Ignorance is bliss
Just ignore the mood altogether. Accept that you can’t control another person’s emotions and concentrate instead on living your own life and controlling your own feelings.
•Confront the problem
Sometimes a direct challenge of the “You’re often really irritable with me and I’d like to know why” variety can be productive. Moody manipulators want to control the situation, but they do not want their methodology to be the subject of scrutiny or discussion.
Poppies, symbols of hope and regeneration because they continued to grow on the devastated battlefields of the Western Front, were first embraced as symbols of remembrance in 1921. Earl Haig had founded the British Legion in that year because it was felt that little help was being offered to support the nearly two million wounded soldiers who returned home at the end of the First World War. The first poppy day took place on 11th November 1921, commemorating the 1918 armistice, and some nine million poppies were sold, providing funds for the newfound British Legion. Poppy Day became an annual event, associated in most people’s minds with the annual ceremony of remembrance at the Cenotaph in Whitehall and the two-minute silence at 11am.
The tradition of Poppy Day has been sustained and respected through the Second World War and subsequent conflicts. Today, an astonishing 4.5 miles of coloured paper is transformed into 30 million poppies at the British Legion factory in Aylesford, raising a substantial contribution towards the RBL’s annual fundraising income of over £147 million – last year the poppy appeal raised over £49 million. These funds are used to assist veterans with everything from housing and rehabilitation to counselling and financial and legal advice.
When poppies were first launched as a symbol of remembrance the custom was only to wear them on Remembrance Sunday itself, which is the second Sunday in November. Nowadays, poppies begin to appear in October, several weeks before Remembrance Day, although the convention is still that they should be removed after Remembrance Sunday.
Anyone living in Britain will be aware that, over the last twenty years, the poppy symbol has proliferated to an astonishing degree. Oversized poppies decorate the bonnets of buses, trains, lorries and cars; they are used to decorate public spaces, from stations to school playgrounds; they are projected on public buildings. In addition to these grand gestures, poppies have been exploited commercially, appearing on a range of merchandise from scarves, playing cards, t-shirts and baseball hats to pins, brooches and fridge magnets. Needless to say, this has nothing to do with the Royal British Legion.
Increasingly, it seems that some members of the public are seeing Poppy Day as something akin to Halloween or Christmas, a time to buy a range of poppy-themed products, festoon the house and garden with ‘seasonal’ decorations and bedeck themselves with poppy accessories. All this frivolity has nothing to do with the original intention of Poppy Day, which was to honour and commemorate the sacrifices made by members of the armed forces.
At the same time, the phenomenon of poppy shaming has ballooned, predictably assisted by social media and whipped up by a legion of trolls. It is now seen as the kiss of death for any politician, newscaster or presenter, whose face is regularly seen on our screens, to be seen without a poppy. It is also now de rigueur for entire Premier League football teams to sport embroidered poppies on their shirts. People in the public eye who do not wear poppies find themselves targeted by a tsunami of abuse and denigration and are frequently accused of a lack of respect and patriotism.
Indeed, as the poppies have proliferated, the original notions of remembrance have become increasingly subsumed into a general feeling that the poppy has become a symbol of national pride and, as such, refusing to wear a poppy is read as subversive and traitorous. This is very far from the origins of this ubiquitous symbol, and not something that the RBL encourages. They argue that choosing to wear a poppy is a purely personal choice and it is every person’s right not to participate.
So as Remembrance Sunday approaches and poppy-sellers appear on street corners, pause for a moment to think about why you are buying and wearing a poppy and what it represents to you. Accept that this is your own choice to make, but ensure that it is a conscious act, not a kneejerk example of virtue signalling. Above all, accept that some people have chosen not to wear a poppy and respect that choice. Do not hound or nag the poppyless or wallow in self-righteousness and remember the veterans you are meant to be honouring fought to defend a democratic society where freedom of choice was protected.
Anybody who has spent any time in Britain will soon find themselves closely acquainted with the art of chit chat. Defined by the dictionary as ‘inconsequential conversation’ or ‘talk about trivial matters’, chit chat is the most basic form of small talk. It is a preliminary in all types of social encounters, ranging from an exchange with a shop assistant or a conversation with a hairdresser or the postman to brief encounters with strangers on buses, trains, at the gym or swimming pool, in the doctor’s waiting room and so on.
Chit chat oils the wheels of everyday interactions and helps put everyone at their ease. It is always mundane and never challenging. Its close relation, small talk, which is practised in social situations such as drinks parties or dinners, is polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters; it may be the opening sally in a new acquaintanceship that could lead ultimately to friendship or romance, whereas chit chat is an end in itself. Its primary function is to make everyday life easier, to make the world a more friendly place.
Chit chat also plays an important role in work environments. Colleagues enjoy chatting over their morning coffee or while waiting for the lifts. They will frequently engage in a few moments of chit chat before getting down to the business of meetings and presentations. Visitors from other cultures may well find these banal exchanges somewhat puzzling – why is everyone talking animatedly about the weather when they could be addressing the matter in hand? But these preliminaries are an important ritual; they lay out common ground and seek consensus (even if it only about the awfulness of the weather, or the inefficiency of the trains), which can be an invaluable foundation when it comes to more challenging discussions.
Ultimately, chit chat is about sharing; it is a moment of connection where agreement is asked and offered. The short-lived bonds it creates are effective ways of moderating our behaviour – we are much more likely to be polite, considerate and courteous towards people with whom we have established a connection, however tenuous it may be.
The Weather
A universal ice-breaker, the weather offers a neutral topic, which everyone, from a small child to a grandmother, enjoys discussing. Other countries endure far more noteworthy weather events – droughts, hurricanes, tornadoes – but British weather is, above all, unpredictable. Sunshine, showers, wind and snow sweep across the country with great rapidity, providing an ever-changing outlook, meaning that with the weather as the focus of interest, conversation is never going to falter.
Traffic and Transport
We all of us are obliged to travel from A to B and it is safe to say that our journeys do not always run smoothly. Our roads are overcrowded, riddled with potholes and beset by roadworks. Trains do not run on time, and are bedevilled by engineering works, staff shortages and signal failures, buses are unpredictable. In short, we have much to grumble about and a shared moan with a stranger can be a very bonding experience.
On occasion, chit chat can be quite prolonged and may expand to embrace a wider range of topics, but once you have departed from the universal topics (see above), you will need to be conscious that you might be straying into areas of non-engagement and you will have to assess the responses of your conversational partner and be ready to change the subject if necessary.
Sport
This is by no means a guaranteed topic of general interest but there are undoubtedly occasions when a sporting event – World Cup football, Wimbledon tennis final, Olympic Games – sweeps many people up in an enthusiastic fervour. On these occasions, it is acceptable to ask the simple question: “Did you see the football (tennis/rugby/100 metres etc) final?” Be ready to change the subject immediately if you are met with blank-faced incomprehension.
Weekend plans
This topic is particularly useful for work colleagues who may have only a passing acquaintance but feel that it is important to show a modicum of interest in each other’s lives in order to reinforce esprit de corps in the workplace. So, as the working week nears its end, you could ask “Have you got anything nice planned for the weekend?” and at the beginning of the work week you can ask “Did you have a good weekend?” If you are questioned and have very little of interest to report, it is easy enough to brush off the query with a polite and bland response, eg “Not really – I seemed to spend the whole time cooking and cleaning”. If your weekend is packed with conversation-worthy activities (extreme sports, mini-breaks, parties, theatre trips etc), you will have plenty to chat about –just make sure you don’t start to monologue or, worse still, boast about your exciting life.
Local Interest
If you’re chit chatting with someone who lives near you there may well be plenty of topics that relate to your neighbourhood. Often these might be shared complaints – missed rubbish collections, poorly maintained roads, bad planning decisions, shop closures – and it is always enjoyable to bond over these preoccupations. Or you might find that you learn something new about your locale – a newly-opened café, changes in parking rules, amended opening hours at the local library etc etc.
Shared Interest
A lot of chit chat will focus on the circumstances of your meeting. If, for example, you are chatting to a fellow parent at the school gate you will have a wealth of common ground (your children, the teachers, school policies etc) that will stimulate conversation. Similarly, if you’re talking after an exercise class, you may enjoy comparing notes about your fitness regime. A lot of chit chat will emanate very naturally from the fact that you are sharing an experience or interest with another person.
With the loneliness epidemic growing, it is apparent that many of us are living more self-contained lives. We work from home, interact on social media, shop online. The number of casual meetings that we experience each day is diminishing and many of us are becoming less confident about our ability to converse easily with strangers and casual acquaintances. Some of us even take steps to avoid casual encounters – crossing the road to avoid acquaintances or fiddling with our phones so we don’t have to chat with shop assistant or barista.
If you’re a chit chat avoider, consider the fact that most people agree that casual conversations with strangers enhances feelings of wellbeing and positivity, and try and do the following:
•Start small. Simply smiling warmly and saying “Good morning” or “have a nice day” is an important first step.
•If someone asks you “how are you today?” resist the temptation to just mutter “Fine”. Challenge yourself to add something, even if it’s just a reciprocal “How are you?”.
•Remember a simple pleasantry can be an opportunity to launch into a chit chat topic: “Well, I’m not really enjoying this terrible rain…”
•Chit chat is a positive interaction: the idea is to reinforce and agree, so don’t come back with argumentative responses.
•If you want to prolong the interaction, remember to ask questions and don’t get carried away by a rambling monologue. If you find yourself talking, uninterrupted, for more than 60 seconds you have been talking for too long.
•Don’t be nosy. Chit chat is essentially bland and non-intrusive and most British people do not like being asked personal questions (for example about marital status, family, finances, politics) by total strangers.
•Know when you’re beaten. Your conversational gems may fall on stony ground and if someone really doesn’t want to engage in chit chat you can’t make them. Move on and don’t be discouraged.
Traditional manners, which were instilled into children at a very young age, were woven around the notions of hierarchy and respect. Gestures, such as standing up, nodding to acquaintances, offering an arm, or shaking hands, were finely calibrated to indicate the deference due people who were older or higher status, and this stately dance ensured that social interactions moved on well-oiled wheels.
Much has changed as society has become more egalitarian, especially in relation to status and gender. While older people may still be treated with a certain amount of care and deference – partly because they belong to an earlier generation and have different expectations and partly for simple pragmatic reasons (they may need a seat or a helping hand) – chivalrous gestures towards women might be misconstrued.
But we do not need to discard all these old-fashioned gestures simply because the structures they underpinned have now been eroded. Polite gestures are still elegant and thoughtful and continue to have the power to ease social friction or awkwardness. We just need to reappraise them from the perspective of the 21st century:
Traditionally, men got to their feet when women came into the room, and younger people stood up for their elders. Standing up was considered a fundamentally polite gesture because it was a courteous acknowledgement of the new arrival – and that still holds good today. Nowadays, it is considerate to stand up regardless of age and gender, and at the very least a host should always stand to greet guests.
If you are introducing new arrivals to guests who are already seated, it would be polite (as long as it’s not physically awkward) for the seated guest to stand up to shake hands with the new arrival. If seated guests already know new arrivals, it would also be polite for them to stand up and greet them, whether to shake hands, hug or kiss. Languidly offering to shake hands from a seated position looks lazy and disrespectful – an exception would be an elderly or infirm person.
In days gone by, the standing to meet new arrivals rule also applied in restaurants, and it was common to see entire seated tables of diners rising to their feet every time a new person joined the party. This might well still happen – especially if the latecomer is the guest of honour, the boss, or a venerable family member. But in the normal run of events, some judgement needs to be exercised. Tables in restaurants are often cramped, waiters might get in the way, other guests might be inconvenienced by all the sitting and standing. The most important thing is to ensure that latecomers are greeted, welcomed and acknowledged and sometimes it is less disruptive to remain seated, or to opt for half-rising from the seat, which is a nod towards the standing tradition.
If somebody is hosting a restaurant meal and effectively running the whole show (guiding menu choices, choosing the wine, showing guests where to sit and – crucially – paying the bill), then it would be normal for them to stand to greet guests, just as they would at home.
Children and teenagers may be absorbed in playing, looking at their phones or laptops or watching televisions when adults who are not family members, for example their parents’ guests, come into the room. They should be encouraged to set aside these distractions, and get to their feet and greet the adults, even though their natural tendency may well be to ignore the adult intruders and remain lost in their own worlds. If you allow children to opt out of this simple social interaction you will be setting a bad precedent; they may well grow into the kind of adults who remain rooted to their chairs and can never be bothered to greet anyone.
It is polite to take people’s coats or bags when they arrive (asking “May I take your coat?” is always a good idea as it ensures that guests will be ready to relinquish their belongings). Itis much more courteous to take the coats yourself and hang them up, or drape them over a chair, rather than gesturing vaguely in the direction of the pegs etc and leaving your guests to look after themselves. You should fetch their belongings when they leave, and you can also offer to help them into their coats but use your judgement as not everyone likes being fussed over. Hold the coat by the shoulders and position it so that the arms can slip in easily. Lift the coat on to the shoulders, then lift it slightly again.
Always offer a helping hand to older people who may find it difficult to manoeuvre themselves on to buses or trains or find it hard to negotiate revolving or heavy doors. This is true for anyone, of any age, who is encumbered with crutches or sticks, which makes it hard to negotiate public transport. It is also important to assist parents with buggies, offering to grab one end so they can navigate steps and doorways.
In the past it was always considered courteous for a man to offer his seat to a woman. It is now a trickier matter of personal judgement. There is no need to jump up on the train or underground every time you see a woman standing (unless she is pregnant or elderly, when it is a definite requirement). But if circumstances are particularly taxing or uncomfortable, and you’re feeling chivalrous, you should offer. It goes without saying that women should also consider offering their seat to those less able to stand, regardless of gender.
It was traditionally considered courteous for men to hold doors open for women and allow them through first, and it is still a polite gesture for men to hold a door open for women. But if a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t awkwardly rush in front of her exclaiming “I’ll get that!”; most women have no expectation that they will be ‘helped’ through doors by their male companions. Young people should give way to adults.
It is essential that everyone who is passing through a door should check behind them and ensure that they are not letting the door slam in someone’s face.
If you are passing through a door and you see someone approaching, it is polite to wait a few seconds and hold the door open for them, but only if they are close to the door. Standing holding a half-open door with a patient grin on your face while someone covers a considerable distance to relieve you (often in a rush because they don’t want to keep you waiting) is taking it too far.
Younger, more able people or those coming down should pause on narrow stairways to let others up. If someone clearly needs the banister for support, allow them to stay on that side. When following someone upstairs, avoid getting too close by keeping a gap of a few stairs between you.
As with all these polite gestures, it is always courteous to acknowledge them, with a verbal thank you, a smile, a nod or some other mark of approbation. It is important to do so because it demonstrates that you have noticed the gesture and truly appreciate it and indicates that you are not a heedless person who sails through everyday transactions without ever noticing the myriad ways in which other people ease your passage.
