It must be apparent to all of us that the British have truly embraced the whole notion of Halloween. Our own Guy Fawkes night is taking a back seat in many households and instead an orgy of spooky costumes, themed decorations, repellent foods and illuminated pumpkins is everywhere in evidence.
You might well be energised and excited by the Halloween iconography of skulls, spider’s webs, jellied eyeballs, bleeding axe wounds, ghouls, witches and vampires and love the whole idea of a themed celebration. But, as with all communal festivities, there will always be people who resist expectations and refuse to follow the crowd, and often they have perfectly good reasons for being reluctant to join in.
We should never assume that all small children are titillated by scary ghost stories, thrilled by ghoulish costumes or delighted by the prospect of being scared half to death. Some children find the whole Halloween horror show too hot to handle, and nobody should force them to wander the streets in the dark, being assailed by the walking dead, or ambushed by frightening witches and ghosts. As adults, we know that whole event is an enjoyable frolic, an extravaganza of make-believe, but some children can be very susceptible and take the horrors on display literally.
At the other end of the spectrum, some older people may find the event disruptive and alarming. They are dependent on well-established routines and used to the peace and security of their homes, especially as the autumn nights draw in, and may be disorientated and distressed by the goings on outside. Unexpected knocks on the door at night, people in costumes and loud noises can all be disruptive and cause agitation and anxiety.
Small children, accompanied by adults, knocking on neighbours’ doors in pursuit of sweets and a suitably terrified reaction to their costumes is at the inoffensive end of the Halloween spectrum. But as the night wears on, the atmosphere can turn more febrile and tense. Older teenagers can sometimes take the ‘trick’ aspect of the evening too far and a seemingly innocent bit of theatre can turn into threatening anti-social behaviour. Trick or treating in the UK is not against the law, but when behaviour turns disruptive, the police have the authority to arrest individuals who have been involved in harassment, vandalism or threatening conduct. It is quite understandable that anyone who has experienced this type of behaviour may feel extremely wary of the whole Halloween horror show.
The more dexterous and ingenious amongst us are no doubt well equipped to knock up striking Halloween costumes, but for most of us this time of year means can mean extra expense, and often stress. We browse supermarket aisles and shop online for gruesome accessories for our children, and some adults also invest in expensive outfits with a spooky twist.
The obligation not to let our children down can lead to a very tense run-up to Halloween, especially for parents who are not naturally creative when it comes to devising imaginative costumes. There is inevitably an element of rivalry amongst children, so an abject failure to shine can be crushing for the child and piles on extra pressure on parents.
Even adults are feeling compelled to look the part and wow their friends on social media, making the whole Halloween season increasingly completive. This is fine if you love creative styling and staged photoshoots, but it is not so much fun if you’re a Halloween refusenik.
Don’t allow yourself to feel pressurised by all the dressing up antics and, if it really isn’t your thing, have the courage of your convictions and explain politely that you’re not really a fan of Halloween, or a devotee of fancy dress. Remember you can always offset any feelings of negativity by being warm and enthusiastic about the efforts made by your friends. If you like their photographs on social media, maybe picking out certain details for special approbation, you will soon find that your withdrawal from festivities is not causing offence.
Some workplaces embrace the whole Halloween horror show with enthusiasm, and it can feel very oppressive if you’re a non-participant. Anyone who is dreaming up Halloween-themed events in an office should ensure that nobody feels coerced into celebrations, and there should never be any reproaches or pressure. If you really don’t like the whole atmosphere, try and work from home or set up meetings outside the office – sometimes quietly withdrawing from the whole scene is the most tactful gesture.
•Lie Low
If you turn off any outside lights and draw your curtains, you will probably find that you are not disturbed by trick or treaters. Nowadays, people who want to encourage Halloween visitors tend to advertise their welcome with jack-o-lanterns and seasonal decorations, so a dark house speaks for itself.
•Create your own traditions
Autumn is a great time of year for celebrating and socialising before the winter really sets in. Rather than focussing on darkness and death you might want to celebrate the Harvest cornucopia – for example, you could invite round some like-minded friends and serve an autumnal feast of pumpkin soup, bangers and mash and apple pie, washed down with mulled cider, and make this event an annual tradition.
If you’ve got young children, you will probably find their captivated by the traditional, and very seasonal, game of apple-bobbing. This innocent pastime requires you to fill a tub of water with seasonal apples, which bob to the surface. Players must keep their arms behind their back (sometimes they are tied) and attempt to lift the apples with their teeth.
•Enjoy an Anti-Halloween Evening
Treat yourself, and your friends, and hunker down to a self-indulgent evening, replete with comfort food, favourite movies (nothing Halloween-themed), and convivial conversation, and forget about the whole extravaganza.
•Downplay your role
If you’re a Halloween refusenik and your kids are driving you mad with spooky requests, try and team up with another parent who is less conflicted about the whole extravaganza. Maybe they could take your children trick or treating while you concoct a delicious feast (with a modicum of themed Halloween delicacies), for you to all enjoy when the Halloween adventurers return. As long as you reciprocate for this kind of favour, you might be able to minimise your involvement.
“The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.” Oscar Wilde
The fork is the most recent addition to our cutlery arsenal. Although the Ancient Greeks are said to have used two-pronged forks and the fork was certainly in use in the Byzantine Empire in the early centuries AD, it took a long time to wend its way northwards. The Italians were the first Europeans to adopt this useful implement and it is said that Catherine de Medici introduced forks to the French in the mid 16th-century court of Henri II. Eventually it founds its way to northwards and, ultimately, to the British Isles where it began to feature in accounts of dining habits in the early 17th century.
In 1609 the British traveller Thomas Coryat, who had encountered forks in Italy and was very impressed by them was much mocked for his enthusiastic appraisal of the fork-wielding habits of the Europeans: “The Italian…doe alwaies at their meales use a little forke when they cut their meat [and if] anyone should unadvisedly touch the dish of meate with his fingers from which all at the table doe cut, he will give occasion of offence unto the company, as having transgressed the lawes of good manners.” The fork prevailed and by 1631 the playwright Ben Jonson was celebrating the fork in the following words:
“The laudable use of forkes,
Brought into custome here, as they are in Italy,
To the sparing o’ Napkins.”
Ben Jonson, The Devil is an Ass, 1631
In its early days in Britain the fork was seen very much as an upper-class affectation, or something that was the preserve of the effete and the dandyish. For centuries it had been customary to eat with the hands. Food was served on slabs of bread, called trenchers, and if necessary, knives were used to cut up meat, which was then eaten with the fingers; spoons were also occasionally deployed. There was much dipping into communal serving dishes with shared implements or fingers and very little regard for food hygiene. As people became more aware of contagion, a fear that was probably fanned the Great Plague of London in the 1660s, they began to take a more circumspect attitude towards shared eating. Wealthier people invested in their own silver or gold forks, which they brought with them when dining out (they were expensive, and hosts weren’t expected to provide them for guests). The fork had arrived.
Initially, forks were crude and double pronged, useful for skewering food, but hard to manipulate. By the18th century they had acquired one or two extra tines and a curved bowl shape. By this point the custom of eating with the knife in the right hand and the fork (with the tines pointing downwards) in the left was evident all over Europe. Forks arrived in the USA later (probably not until the 18th century) and the Americans evolved a different fork etiquette, cutting up their food with the knife in the right hand and fork in the left at the outset, then discarding the knife, and holding the fork in the right hand, tines upward, to convey food to the mouth. This eating method reflects that the fact that for much of their early history, Americans were using knives and spoons.
Forks really began to take off with the advent of silver-plating in the mid-19th century Most utensils before the 18th century were made of silver – the metal that reacts the least with food – but silver is rare, and therefore expensive. It was possible to mass-produce affordable cutlery, and the Victorians really began to push dining accessories in new directions – specialist forks included oyster forks, lobster forks, salad forks, terrapin forks, berry forks, lettuce forks, sardine forks, pickle forks, fish forks, and pastry forks. The upwardly mobile middle classes delighted in the consumer choice, purchasing vast ‘canteens’ of specialist cutlery designed for every possible dining eventuality. At the same time dining etiquette became more and more refined and any self-respecting Victorian diner was expected to know how to wield a vast panoply of equipment.
For most of the 19th century, forks reigned supreme when it came to eating fish. It was customary to eat fish with a silver fork (which didn’t affect the subtle flavour), either with the aid of a piece of bread or – if necessary – with the assistance of a second fork.
But then, in the 1880s, the ever-enterprising cutlers invented the fish knife and fork. This set comprised a wide-bladed knife with a curved, sharp edge (useful for lifting fish off the bone), with a matching fork that was smaller than the usual table fork. Their handles were often made of ivory and decorated with pescatarian motifs.
Some members of the aristocracy looked down their noses at these new-fangled implements and regarded them as irredeemably vulgar. But despite the contumely, fish knives and forks were enthusiastically adopted. However, they are now no longer an indispensable part of most people’s dining equipment, and these days many of us attack our fish with our ordinary knives and forks (the single or double fork technique is rarely seen).
It is still considered customary to eat with a knife and fork in the right and left hand respectively. Traditional manners dictate that the fork is never turned over and used as a shovel and generations of British schoolchildren have been taught the ingenious trick of using the knife to squash recalcitrant food on to the fork (sometimes with the assistance of more pulpy ingredients, such as mashed potatoes). Peas have always been a particular challenge.
But dining habits have changed greatly since the Victorian era and the food we eat now encompasses dining traditions from around the world. We are enthusiastic consumers of spaghetti, noodles, rice and curry. We happily use chopsticks to eat Chinese or Japanese food, or spoons and forks to eat Thai dishes. We discard knives altogether when served a dish of spaghetti or rice with a curry sauce. In these situations, right-handed people who are using a fork on its own often transfer it to their stronger right hand, something our ancestors would never do, but which has now become universally acceptable.
It is still helpful, when you have finished your meal, to place your knife and fork (or fork alone) in the six o’clock position on your plate, with the tines facing upwards and the handle pointing towards you. This indicates to your waiter, host or dining partner that you have finished and that the dish can now be cleared away.
It’s hard to ignore the epidemic of “harassment and abuse of our staff will not be tolerated” signs that have appeared in shops, on public transport and even in GP surgeries and hospitals. They point to a marked deterioration in behaviour, especially in relation to public-facing staff, as we all seem to be feeling increasingly on edge. Retail workers routinely bear the brunt of customer rudeness: a recent survey by the British Retail Trust, revealed that a depressing 90 per cent of workers had encountered abusive customers – a third of the respondents reported this experience occurrd at least once a week.
It has become a reflex to routinely blame the fallout from the pandemic for this sort of behaviour; lockdown led to stress and isolation and these negative feelings were projected on to the most readily available targets, eg shop workers. While it is certainly true that many people behaved strangely during this most difficult of times, it is also true that abusive behaviour of retail workers was also on the rise well before the pandemic.
Undoubtedly, these problems have roots in several factors. Many of us are stressed by modern life, with its plethora of possibilities and challenges, and are finding it hard to cope in a society that is becoming more atomised and isolated, with less reliance on extended families and more emphasis on individual robustness. Inflation – most obviously displayed by rising food prices – has pushed many people to the edge, turning every retail transaction into an anxiety-inducing obstacle course.
Against this backdrop we have entered a world where much of our life is lived online. We routinely do our shopping online and this experience has become increasingly refined and improved, eroding our tolerance for real-life impediments (empty shelves, long queues, irritating fellow-shoppers, crowded carparks, malfunctioning trolleys and so on). Many shops have chosen to dehumanise the retail experience and have introduced self-checkouts and computerised click and collect services which tend to malfunction, or simply to baffle customers, and a confusing confrontation with a perverse piece of technology can be the final straw.
In fact, many instances of customer rudeness can be explained by the notion of the final straw. People who are on edge, under pressure, running late, beset by profound anxieties, are much more prone to crack when faced by everyday challenges. In these circumstances, lashing out at a shop-worker, a barista, a railway guard, or a health centre receptionist carries much less risk that venting all that rage and frustration on a boss, partner, friend or relative. Obviously, the fallout will not have an impact on their most important relationships – they may never see the retail worker again and they are being treated as convenient scapegoats.
But what does this behaviour say about attitudes to retail workers or service personnel? By disregarding their feelings or refusing to contemplate how distressing abusive behaviour towards them must be, irate customers are displaying a disturbing lack of empathy. Their disregard may also be a symptom of something even more alarming; a misplaced feeling of superiority towards people whose job it is to serve and a tendency to discount them.
Either way, remind yourself that – even if circumstances are extremely stressful – we should always be capable of internalising our own feelings of rage and resentment, and should be able to present a polite façade. Discourtesy towards customer-facing staff should be a red flag; if you see this behaviour in other people, it is demonstrating an inability to control negative emotions, a lack of empathy or even a troubling sense of superiority and impunity – all of which are profoundly undesirable characteristics.
Whatever the excuse, abusive behaviour is counterproductive. It is not only extremely upsetting for the victim, but it may also lead to a stalemate where the victim of abuse is understandably unwilling to make any extra effort to be of assistance. Customers are far more likely to benefit from good service if they are polite and courteous and willing to see other people’s point of view.
•Be flexible and accommodating
You are much more likely to become enraged if you have very fixed expectations which are sometimes not met. These may be, for example, about stock availability or speed of checkout. Try and build some contingency into your planning – often allowing yourself a bit more time will relieve some of the pressure.
•Practise active empathy
Try and step for a moment outside your own skin and exercise your imagination. Ask yourself how would you feel if someone spoke to you abusively? Remind yourself that most service personnel have very little potential for riposte – they are encouraged to defer to the customer and are not allowed to escalate the situation; imagine how trapped and belittled they must feel when they are being rudely berated.
•Think carefully about culpability
The sad fact about most of this abuse is that, even if the customer has legitimate cause for complaint, they are directing their rage at someone who has absolutely no responsibility for the problem and is merely the convenient public face of a much larger organisation. If this is the case, then you really should think about taking your complaint to the store manager or writing a considered critique to the head office or customer complaints department of the organisation – venting your rage at someone on the customer floor will get you nowhere.
•Address your own anger
If you have an unfortunate predilection for letting off steam at service personnel, think carefully about why you are so angry and why you find it so hard to control your emotions. Understanding that more there might be more profound reasons for your rage than an irritating retail experience might help you to address a tendency to lose your temper. Withdrawing from a situation if you feel the anger rising, contemplating the reasons for your rage, and dealing with it when you are feeling calm and collected is always recommended.
•Opt for a charm offensive
Being rude will most likely cause the other person to become defensive and reluctant to help, whereas a polite willingness to work with them to find a solution is often disarming. Sometimes all you have to do is smile confidently and say, “I’m sure we can resolve this,” – using the word ‘we’ subtly diffuses the hostile energy, suggesting that you are both involved in a collaborative effort to solve the problem. Always remember that persistent politeness and calm reasonableness are far more effective weapons than ranting and tantrums.
Knowing how best to behave in tricky situations isn’t always obvious. Inevitably, you will find yourself confronted with embarrassing social dilemmas from time to time, so here’s our advice on what to do and say to get you out of a hole.
•Someone you don’t recognise greets you like an old friend
Assuming it isn’t a case of mistaken identity and that they clearly do know you, but you just cannot recognise their face, don’t look blank and don’t panic – that is just humiliating for both of you. Smile broadly and apologise, then explain that you’re found recently that your memory for names is completely unreliable – you could add a self-deprecating remark about brain fog. If you still don’t recognise the name when they say it, laugh sheepishly, say the problem must be worse than you thought and that you cannot remember when you two last met. Once you have made the connection then don’t refer to the ‘memory loss’ again, just make up for it by being warm and friendly. If you really cannot recall name or meeting when prompted, then perhaps you really do have a problem and should seek professional advice.
•A colleague or acquaintance belittles you in public
Humiliating though it may be, don’t retaliate with an insult. But you don’t need to turn the other cheek either. Look them straight in the eye and calmly say “Please don’t embarrass yourself and everyone else further by being rude”, then turn to someone else, smile and start a new conversation. Witnesses will be left in no doubt who is the social misfit.
•When you get the dress code completely wrong
It is easier to get away with being over-dressed than under-dressed. If you arrive at a dinner party in your best bib and tucker and everyone else is in jeans, just laugh and joke that you always dress for dinner, even at home. But when you arrive in daywear and discover it is a black-tie event, it may just be best to turn around and head for home – unless your presence really will be missed, in which case make your apologies immediately to the host and grin and bear the embarrassment. This will probably involve explaining your faux pas to fellow guests, so try and turn your mistake into an amusing anecdote – people will be more charmed by self-admitted haplessness than carelessness. Avoid this potential blunder by checking the dress code in advance and, if in doubt, ask the host about expectations or consult with one of your fellow guests.
The Special Diet
If you are invited to dine at a restaurant or someone’s home whilst doing the Atkins/Keto/Paleo or Grapefruit diet (or whatever latest trend may be), the guidance is simple: “put up or shut up” but don’t expect your friends or colleagues to suffer the diet with you. If you are hosting at home, either prepare something delicious that fits with your diet (if that’s remotely possible) or cook a ‘normal’ meal for your guests and make a separate dish for your own consumption. If you’re meeting friends in a restaurant, try and order – and eat – food that fits in with your diet, but don’t bore everyone with your nutritional travails.
Conversely, if you are the host and are presented with a list of demands from faddy eaters then you must exercise good judgement; if you can accommodate the requests without making the meal insufferable for your other guests, then do so – otherwise, explain politely but firmly, what you are planning to serve and if that doesn’t suit your guest, offer to make plans for another date when you can go out together to a restaurant of their choice.
•You meet a friend’s partner in a restaurant – with a date
If it is possible to ignore them then this is the easiest option – if they have any decency, they will leave at the earliest opportunity. If you must acknowledge them, don’t be rude (you might just have misread the situation) but you don’t have to be friendly either. Stay cool, even if introduced to the ‘date’, and if you want to make it plain where your loyalties lie, smile imperturbably and say you look forward to having the offender and your friend round for supper very soon. If the ‘date’ looks furious you know your remark has hit home. Whether you choose to confront them or ignore them, don’t be tempted to get straight on the phone to tell your friend; wait a decent interval until the offender has had the chance to offer an explanation before ‘casually’ mentioning the encounter.
•Your friend’s partner makes a pass
If you are at a party and they are tipsy, it is very easy to rebuff them sweetly and not take offence – take it as a compliment and blame their behaviour on impaired faculties. Don’t tell your friend, especially if you think it was genuinely the drink talking. If made when sober, a pass is an altogether a more serious matter and you consider the consequences of your actions before responding. If you take the moral high road and become outraged, you run the risk alienating the offender who will no doubt try to distance you from your friend. If you become upset, it will make future meetings awkward, and your friend will sense something is wrong.
The best option it to treat it as an aberration – make it clear you are surprised and disappointed and offer the offender a face-saving excuse “it must be the stress of your new job that made you act so out of character”. Tell them firmly that you won’t be telling your friend this time and that you should both forget it ever happened. But make it clear that if you see or hear of this behaviour becoming a habit then you will no option but to tell your friend.
•Your in-law makes snide remarks to you behind your partner’s back.
Don’t rise to the bait and try not to involve your partner as asking them to take sides is potentially unfair and divisive. If it happens repeatedly, take the offender to one side and calmly ask if they realise how hurtful and undermining their remarks are. Explain that their behaviour is not conducive to good family relations and is stressful for your partner, who feels responsible for their behaviour and is naturally protective towards you. Politely suggest that if they do not feel willing to respect your position and behave courteously in future, then they must appreciate that they will not be welcome to join in further family occasions. Don’t threaten or be rude – maintain a dignified distance and give them the benefit of the doubt; maybe you aren’t their ideal choice for their precious child but by showing them you can be calm and collected, you may just win them round.
•You are out to dinner with friends and the bill is escalating
We all have friends who are over-indulgent and extravagant – and what’s worse, they don’t have to worry about how much it is costing. Try and head off the situation by explaining in advance that you have some hefty bills this month and that you want to go somewhere low key; that way, they will have fair warning and should adjust their behaviour accordingly. If you find the situation is getting out of hand at the restaurant, then speak up – tell your friends that you are sure that they won’t mind if you don’t join them in that expensive bottle of wine or a la carte menu. Make it clear that you don’t want to spoil their fun but if they want to push the boat out, maybe it would be sensible to ask for separate bills. If they have any tact, they will alter their choice or offer to pay for their more lavish choices.
•A friend or colleague is gossiping behind your back
Hearing from a friend or colleague that someone is spreading malicious gossip about you is never an easy thing to deal with, but it needs to be nipped in the bud. First, be aware that the story may have been twisted, so tread carefully – innocently tell the ‘gossip’ that it has come to your attention that someone (mentioning no names) has been spreading tales or discussing your private affairs in public. Suggest to them that if they hear anything, they should tell you who is the culprit and explain that you have asked your other friends/colleagues to do the same. Now that you have alerted them that you know what is happening, make them feel guilty by saying how disloyal it is to do such a thing and how you are surprised that anyone you know could stoop so low. If they have any honour they will desist immediately and even if they do not feel suitably ashamed, it is most likely that they will be too cowardly to continue when they know that they may be uncovered.
E.M. Busbridge’s Letter Writing and Etiquette (1909) offers a fascinating insight into an era when letter writing was still the only means of communication for most people (telephones were a rarity, which had only been introduced into a limited number of private homes towards the end of the 19th century). While the author of this handy letter-writing guide is concerned with the physical aspects of letter-writing (handwriting legibility, paper choice, folding the letter), much of his attention is focused on the content of the letter.
Today, we write an ever-diminishing number of social letters. Generally, if we sit down with a pen and paper it is because we are writing a thank-you letter (for a gift or hospitality), a reply to a formal invitation (for example to a wedding), or a letter of condolence or congratulation. Yet even the use of letters on these social occasions has become increasingly supplanted by emails and texts.
Whether we are writing a physical letter or sending a digital communication some of Mr Busbridge’s rules still apply today. We’ve looked at some of his key observations and pieces of advice and applied them to the modern context.
1. Use your natural voice
“A letter should be as natural as possible and should be pervaded with the personality of the writer…
Every effort should be made in order that a letter may resemble a pleasant conversation as much as possible… All appearance of striving after effect should be avoided, and what the writer wishes to say should be said clearly and concisely and to the point.”
This exhortation is particularly relevant when it comes to business communications, where there is a tendency to confuse jargon with expertise and to use stilted language to over-complicate simple concepts, thinking it appear more professional. A sentence like “Let’s get our ducks in a row, seek end-user perspective and keep Jamie in the loop” could easily be translated as “let’s get organised, consult the customers and keep Jamie informed.”
Whatever the nature of your communication, whether it is personal or professional, using your natural voice and not falling into the trap of obfuscation or overwrought conceit is always recommended.
2. Watch what you say
“Ill-natured remarks or malicious gossip should never find a place in a letter, for not only will the remembrance of what was perhaps written in the heat of the moment worry and harass the writer when he reflects upon it, but he may even find himself involved in a libel action…. It behoves everyone to be cautious even when writing to most familiar friends, because the letters may fall into other hands than those for which they were intended.”
In a world of fast-paced and instantaneous communication it is common practice to write texts and emails on impulse, without a pause for thought, consideration or caution. The letter-writers of the early 20th century are sternly warned about the dangers of sending indiscreet or defamatory letters, but the risks today are much greater because we can simply press ‘send’ rather than physically taking our letters to the post box (a pause for thought and reflection when many an indiscreet letter has been jettisoned).
It is worthwhile remembering that written words, have staying power, whether they are on paper or on a social media site or email, and it can be hard to repair the damage they cause.
3. Don’t forget good grammar
“Correct grammar, the proper use of words, and good spelling are qualities so essential to a good letter that no one would dispute their necessity; and yet many a letter is marred by mistakes in spelling, or faults in grammar, which a little care and patience would soon abolish… A common error is the omission of ‘stops’ and the utter disregard of punctuation. Yet there is no reason whatever why the ‘stops’ should be treated with such scant consideration, and a little attention paid to them helps to make a clear and interesting document.”
Good punctuation makes language meaningful and obliterates ambiguity and will always add to the clarity of any written document. Don’t be bamboozled by the digital medium into over-using slang and jargon and under-using punctuation. Write in short, clear sentences.
Ensure that correct punctuation is used. Do not use lower case letters throughout as this can appear lazy. Exclamation marks can look somewhat hectic and over-emphatic. Writing in telegraphese (a terse abbreviated style, which underuses verbs) does not make you look busy and important, just annoyingly peremptory.
4. Take your time
“A good specimen of the art of letter-writing should bear no traces of having been written in a hurry...The writer should always consider what he is going to say, and endeavour to put it in the best form possible.”
It’s so easy to dash off all your correspondence (whether by letter or digital channels) in a tearing hurry and to send it off without allowing time for consideration: to contemplate what you have written, check it for errors and omissions, and verify that it serves the purpose you intended. This pause for thought is particularly important when you are communicating digitally, because it will give you a chance to check that the auto-correct has not played havoc with your peerless prose.
5. Avoid over-emphasis
“Another common fault in letter-writing… is the underlining of words and phrases for the sake of emphasis. This habit should be broken as quickly as possible, for surely the reader may be credited with enough comprehension of the subject under discussion, to supply the emphasis himself where it is needed.”
There are many ways (especially with digital tools) of adding emphasis to written communications and it is easy to fall into the trap of over-punctuating to make writing seem more conversational. Underlining, italics, bold type and capital letters are all ways of adding emphasis, with capital letters looking the most attention-grabbing and insistent. But often there is no need for any of these techniques, because the words speak clearly for themselves and there is a danger that your recipients will feel bludgeoned and bamboozled by your writing style.
6. Reply promptly
“Unpunctuality in answering letters, whether they are of a business nature or not, is a fault which cannot be condoned… Every effort should be made to reply quickly, because prompt replies save much trouble both in social and other matters. Punctuality must be particularly observed with regard to answers to invitations, for it is only natural to expect that a hostess would feel slighted if she received no reply to her invitation until several day had passed.”
We are all communicating so much nowadays, and via so many media, that it is easy to feel that our missives are falling into a black hole, never to be acknowledged or answered. As Mr Busbridge observes, prompt replies save “much trouble”; you do not have to chase up the recipient, speculate about whether you’ve been ghosted, or wait for practical information about social or travel arrangements.
The best practice it to make it a rule that you will always send a reply within a few hours to any digital communication even if is a holding message, which explains you’ll be back in touch in more detail shortly. Letter-writers should only have to wait a few days. Always reply promptly to social invitations – it shows that you value other people’s time and that you’re keen to be cooperative and communicative. And that is only polite….
Top: Albert Edelfelt (1854–1905), Lady Writing a Letter
The weekly terrestrial TV schedules are not the driving force for people’s viewing habits that they once were. The arrival of the box set, initially in physical form and latterly via streaming services, has changed everything. Gone are the so-called watercooler moments when colleagues enjoyed dissecting and discussing every detail of a TV drama that had been broadcast the night before. Nowadays, we are all watching according to our own unique tastes and timetable; finding common ground with other people when it comes to viewing habits and avoiding the traps of becoming a box set bore or an inveterate plot spoiler poses a new social challenge.
Manners must evolve to deal with this lifestyle change and we have developed the following guidelines:
The first, and most obvious, etiquette trap is the tendency to talk endlessly about your latest streaming experiences. It is extremely easy, especially when you are watching several episodes a night and doing very little else, to enter the alternative, glittering reality of the TV world.
When you meet up with friends and acquaintances, instead of asking questions, engaging with the pressing issues of the day, discussing work or family issues, you immediately buttonhole your audience with long, rambling recitals of your viewing highlights. Apart from the fact that this, like most monologues, is likely to be extremely boring, even more so if your friends have not seen the series you are so animatedly describing, it is also very revealing. Essentially, it clearly demonstrates that your life is empty and lacking stimulus, and you are choosing to fill the void with an alternative reality. Nobody wants to come across as a helpless TV addict, disengaged from the real world …
The tantalising, cliff-hanging TV series of the past relied on the suspense and delayed gratification endured by viewers who had to wait an agonising week for the next instalment. In this respect, they were like 20th-century versions of the serialised novels of the 19th century; American fans of Charles Dickens’s Old Curiosity Shop waited anxiously on the dockside for the ships to arrive from Britain, asking “Is Little Nell dead?”
Now we can satiate our appetites with marathon viewing sessions, where we gobble down entire multi-part series in two or three evenings. This tendency to binge brings its own problems. People who live, and view TV, together often find themselves in conflict because they watch series at a different rate, with impatient viewers grabbing sneaky previews and then having to wait while other people catch up. If you’re going to watch a box set together, which can be a very enjoyable and bonding experience, you need to discuss the ground rules in advance, to avoid getting out of sync:
•How many episodes are you going to watch at a time?
•Is solo viewing allowed, and should cheaters who’ve grabbed a sneaky preview confess to it?
•If someone wants to interrupt the viewing mid-stream to get a snack or take a phone call is it agreed that the show will be paused?
•If your run of viewing is interrupted by one person’s absence (eg going away on holiday) is it expected that everyone’s viewing of the show will be suspended?
Finally, you might consider drawing out your pleasure and find that taking your viewing more slowly can be a more enjoyable way to proceed, rather than opting for immediate consumption. Spinning out the experience will give you time to linger over plot and character development, discuss the show with friends, and speculate about likely outcomes. It will add depth to the entire experience.
The vast array of viewing options we now enjoy are provided by an ever-growing number of streaming services. A monthly subscription fee will secure access to the service but, inevitably, these modest amounts begin to mount up as more and more streaming platforms become available. Juggling subscriptions is time-consuming and tedious. Some of us opt out altogether, choosing to only view free TV, while more dedicated box-set viewers might find themselves switching subscriptions on and off at a dizzying rate or simply throwing caution to the winds and buying expensive all-in packages.
Whatever you may choose to do, it is inconsiderate to make assumptions about other people’s access to certain TV shows. We all know that it is extremely annoying to find yourself trapped by an enthusiastic box set bore, who regales you with tales of a fabulous new series, only to find at the end of the conversation that it is on a streaming service that you do not use.
Before you launch into a paean of praise or offer insistent recommendations, it is always a good idea to unobtrusively check if the person you are talking to has access to the right streaming service. Just say something like “do you by any chance have Sky/Now/Apple TV?” If the answer is a negative, just say something non-committal like “I was just wondering…” and swiftly move on.
Never respond with a heartfelt harangue about how it is vitally important to procure this service immediately – many people feel pressurised by the world of streaming choice and do not want to be belaboured by a well-intentioned sales pitch. Nobody wants to be made to feel that they are missing out on a cultural milestone because they haven’t stumped up the money for yet another subscription.
Inadvertently revealing a crucial plot twist or development from a film or television series is a serious social faux pas in a world addicted to on-demand entertainment.
Before discussing a TV episode or film with anyone, check first that they have seen it to make sure you’re not in spoiler territory. Be particularly wary on social media or message groups: even cryptic references and emojis can give information away. If you must comment, go for something enigmatic like “I didn’t see that coming!”. That said, it’s impossible to embargo online conversation indefinitely because you might let slip a plot detail. The best compromise is to avoid giving away crucial information in the immediate aftermath of an episode becoming available online. You will need to be the judge of this but keeping quiet for two or three days is a considerate option.
If you do accidentally let slip a spoiler, a heartfelt apology will usually go some way to repairing the damage. If you’re on the receiving end of an accidental spoiler, try to bear it with good humour, rather than complaining and getting your revenge in a tit-for-tat spoiler exchange.
If you aspire to be a good host who is always able to lay on an excellent spread, you will need to prefect the art of impromptu entertaining. Unlike the planning and preparation that underpin a perfect dinner party, impromptu entertaining relies on your ability to improvise and conjure something out of nothing, preferably while also maintaining a calm and unruffled demeanour.
Every now and then we will inevitably find ourselves with some unexpected hungry guests to feed. It might be a spur-of-the-moment visit from relatives, a last-minute invitation to friends, or simply drinks that turn into supper… Whatever the situation, it is important to have a few tricks up your sleeve and a few supplies in the cupboard so you can throw together an impromptu meal with panache.
•Attitude Counts
An impromptu lunch or supper requires your best ‘can do’ attitude. Even if you’re mentally scouring the cupboards in a blind panic as to what you can serve up, never let on to your guests.
The charming host is always capable and calm, at least on the outside. Rushing around in a state of obvious agitation will unsettle your guests, make them feel on edge, and might even persuade them that they are asking too much of you.
•Time is of the Essence
A last-minute supper is not the time to disappear into the kitchen for hours on end in an attempt to assemble a gastronomic feast. Your guests will be conscious of you as you clatter energetically around the kitchen and will soon feel that they have put you to too much trouble.
Whatever you decide to serve, keep it quick, easy and well within your culinary capabilities – in these circumstances it is safest to fall back on dishes that you have made many times before. A perfect omelette, served with confidence, will be much more successful than a botched attempt at something more ambitious.
Aim to have something delicious and digestible in front of your guests promptly.
•Never Apologise, Never Explain
Nobody expects a five-star gourmet extravaganza when they have come round for an impromptu supper, so don’t feel the need to endlessly apologise about the paucity of your offering, or to embark on long-winded explanations about why dishes are deficient, missing ingredients, kitchen mishaps and so on.
Never use the conditional tense, as in, for example: “This pasta would taste much better if I had some fresh basil, but unfortunately I’ve had to use dried.” Nobody is interested in might-have-beens.
Serve your dishes with confidence and you will ensure that your guests feel much more comfortable. Most importantly, they will not be made to feel that their unexpected arrival has put you out and inconvenienced you.
•Perfect Settings
Don’t be tempted to over-compensate for your lack of preparation by digging out your best china, polishing your finest crystal and buffing up the heirloom silver.
Instead, lay up the kitchen table with the plates, glasses and cutlery that you use every day, and create a cosy, jovial and relaxed atmosphere – a few candles or tea lights will help the ambience.
Opting for a more informal approach will also save you minutes when you’re serving up and allow you to maximise your time with your unexpected guests.
•The Waiting Game
While your expectant guests are sitting around, waiting for you to conjure up a delicious supper, keep them happy with drink and nibbles.
It’s always a good idea to have olives, crisps and nuts in your store-cupboard. Distribute these around the table in small bowls, keep your guests’ wine glasses well filled, or offer them a pre-prandial gin and tonic. They will soon be lulled into a mood of relaxed conviviality and will be delighted with whatever you dish up.
•Pasta to the Rescue
Pasta is an excellent resource for the impromptu host. It is easy to ensure that you always have a supply of dried pasta in your cupboard, and it is a good idea to stock up on the following: tins of anchovy fillets, tinned tomatoes, black olives, capers, pesto sauce. If you always have eggs and bacon (preferably pancetta) and a slab of Parmesan in the fridge, you’re all set to make the following:
Puttanesca
Spaghetti served with a sauce of olive oil, garlic, chilli, anchovy fillets, tinned tomatoes, black olives, capers.
Pesto
If you’re lucky enough to have plentiful supplies of basil, you can blend your own fresh pesto sauce from basil, garlic, pine nuts, olive oil and Parmesan. If you cannot muster all these ingredients a jar of pesto sauce can be mixed with pasta of any variety and can be made more delicious with the addition of double cream, lemon juice and grated Parmesan.
Carbonara
Spaghetti or tagliatelle served with olive oil, garlic, pancetta, eggs and Parmesan.
Vegan Tomato sauce
Dried pasta is not made with eggs so is suitable for vegans. Combine it with a tomato sauce, made from chopped onion and garlic, tinned tomatoes, a couple of teaspoons of brown sugar and a pinch of chilli. Scatter walnuts or toasted pinenuts over the top before serving.
•What about Wine?
It’s always a good idea to have a decent bottle of red and white (chilled) on stand-by at home in case guests drop by. If you have space in the fridge, it is great to have something sparkling available for impromptu celebrations.
Offering a well-presented aperitif, with plenty of ice and a garnish of lemon or lime, can really make a casual supper feel like a special occasion. Just make sure that your drinks cabinet contains gin and vodka (and tonic), and maybe a bottle of Aperol or Campari, which will mean you are able to offer a delicious Spritz (you’ll need prosecco for this), giving the whole occasion a festive air.
•Is Pudding Necessary?
You certainly won’t have time to make a pudding, but there are several ways in which you can round off the meal, depending on what items you have available in the fridge.
If you have some decent cheese (even if you only have one variety), you can offer this with crackers or hunks of bread, chutney and a fruit bowl (or a handful of grapes or a couple of figs, whatever you have available).
Offering round a well-stocked fruit bowl is always an acceptable end to a meal, but of course you might not have adequate supplies of fruit. If you have supplies of ice cream in your freezer, you could offer this – one way to make plain ice cream more appealing is to slosh some liqueur over it (Cointreau or Grand Marnier would be good choices), or you could offer thick Greek yogurt with honey. Scatter your ice cream or yoghurt with toasted flaked almonds, or roasted pistachios.
If you really are in a position where you can’t muster up a meal, then call for a takeaway. Never try to pass it off as your own cooking, so come clean with your guests. Make an occasion of it, allowing your guests to name their cuisine of choice.
Takeaways should be eaten off warmed plates and decanted into suitable serving dishes – the sight of a tableful of silver foil containers is depressingly mundane. Where possible, try to make the meal as authentic as you can – for example, dig out some chopsticks and serve suitable accompaniments (soy sauce, mango chutney, lime pickle, etc).
The host should foot the bill and tip the delivery person. Equally, guests should always a write a note or send an email to their hosts to thank them, even though the evening was very informal.
Communication is about so much more than the spoken word and being able to interpret non-verbal signals, or to use them to convey strong, unambiguous messages, is a vital social skill. Many of us acquire this ability without much conscious thought, but for some people it is a difficult skill to master. Teenagers and young adults may find it particularly hard if they have not been exposed to many social situations or, as is increasingly common, they have spent a great deal of time onscreen and not physically interacting with other people. Social anxiety can also impede the ability to interpret non-verbal signals.
•Eye contact
Being able to hold someone’s gaze and look them directly in the eye conveys feelings of engagement and openness. But this needs to be balanced: too fixed a stare can look over-intense; rapid blinking looks nervous; a tendency to flick the eyes away and look elsewhere conveys shiftiness.
•Smiling
A universally recognised facial expression, smiling conveys warmth, ease and comfort. But the smile needs to be genuine; a fixed smile, or a smile that only comes from the mouth (and not the eyes) can look sinister, calculated and artificial.
•Posture
Sitting or standing up straight conveys alertness or attentiveness. Slouching, slumping or sprawling can communicate a number of negative emotions: boredom, indifference, non-engagement.
•Hand Gestures
Holding the hands with palms open looks like a welcoming gesture; it conveys that you are willing to listen. Balling up the hands into fists transmits tension and aggression. Using the hands to stress verbal points can look over emphatic and dogmatic.
•Crossed arms
Many people find this a comfortable way to prevent the arms and hands waving about in a distracted manner, but beware – especially when combined with a slumped posture, crossed arms can look defensive.
•Physical proximity
Standing or sitting close to someone and leaning in towards them as you chat is a clear way of demonstrating that you are interested and attentive (don’t overdo it so you’re crowding them). Standing back, or moving your chair back, or angling your body slightly away from your companion is an eloquent way of expressing discomfort and disinterest.
•Fidgeting
Many of us fidget when we’re nervous or uncomfortable. There is a wide range of “tells”, from fiddling with the hair, face and fingernails to jiggling and foot tapping. Fidgeting is very distracting and will make other people feel jumpy and nervous.
•Appearing distracted
When you’re talking to another person your focus should be on their face. Appearing to be distracted – whether it is gazing around the room, looking at other people, or fiddling with your phone – clearly communicates that you are not fully engaged.
•Yawning
You might be genuinely exhausted but try your utmost not to yawn in social situations. It is universally recognised as a sign of boredom and is quite often met with the peeved question “Am I boring you?”. Try and smother incipient yawns in a cough behind your hand.
All these social cues are well recognised and familiar. They constitute a universal non-verbal language which most of us understand. So, it’s quite possible that if you encounter this sort of behaviour it is indeed being used to convey a message to you.
If, for example, you are trying to make small talk at a party and you find yourself stuck with someone who won’t hold eye contact, is constantly looking around the room, is glancing at his phone, and has angled his body away from you, then it is fair to assume that he is communicating disinterest and a desire to escape, despite the fact that he may be politely communicating verbally with you. It is important to correctly interpret his silent signals so you can extricate yourself from a non-promising social encounter.
Conversely, most of us recognise the signs that somebody likes us when we meet them socially – the attentive gaze, the open body language, the physical proximity. It is up to us to determine whether these signals convey a genuine feeling or are just part of a social battery that many charming people can deploy.
Or maybe you are interviewing a potential candidate for a job, a situation that most people find nerve wracking. She might be displaying her nerves through foot-jiggling, hair-fiddling or intermittent eye contact. You might react to this negatively, or you might interpret it as a sign of nerves, which does not undermine an otherwise favourable impression. You will need to make all these judgments lightning fast.
Whatever the situation, it is important to recognise that we are receiving and assessing myriad social cues, and being aware of this silent language is a vital social skill.
1. Be observant
Make it a habit to consciously observe social cues in a whole range of social encounters, from supermarket checkout queues and coffee bar ordering to dinners with friends and party small talk. If you look closely, you will become more adept at interpreting non-verbal communication
2. Be body language aware
Focus on observing how other people use their body language to express themselves. You might note the way they stand, sit, use their hands to gesticulate, and whether they are compulsive fidgeters. Learning how other people communicate through their bodies will help you understand the physical impact that you are having.
3. Don’t take words at face value
It’s easy to simply focus on what people say and not to delve any deeper. But words can belie true emotions and people can sound casual, flippant or droll when in fact they’re conveying much more complex emotions though non-verbal signals.
4. Keep practising
Make sure you engage in regular social interactions with other people in a range of different situations. The more sociable you are, the easier you will find these encounters and the more skilled you will become at understanding social cues.
5. Seek feedback
If you fear that you are not picking up on social cues, ask close friends or family to give you honest feedback. If you’re open to constructive criticism, you might become aware of specific blind spots, which you can work to rectify.
Video calls are part of many of our lives and for some of us they are an important professional tool. On-screen communication is different from meeting people in the flesh and social cues take on a new significance:
•Your face is the focus
All eyes are on each other’s faces online and it is important never to forget this. Obviously, when you are talking, you will use facial expressions to communicate your emotions, and you will look squarely at the screen, so you do not look shifty and distracted. But you must also be vigilant about your listening face, which is clearly visible to all the participants. You need to maintain your visual focus (no looking down at your phone etc), you need to look attentive and alert, and you should show your reactions to other speakers with clear facial expressions (smile, frown, puzzled look, interrogative raised eyebrow etc).
•Remember to nod
One very useful silent signal, which is particularly applicable to onscreen interactions, is the affirmative nod. Nodding your head a couple of times when someone is speaking is a sign of affirmation and encouragement and, as such, conveys a positive message. Just don’t overdo it – three or more rapid head nods might look like you’re getting impatient and want the speaker to speed up.
•No shoulder slumping
Body language that is visible on a screen is limited, but seated posture is an eloquent way of expressing interest or boredom. Slouching in front of your screen will be clearly visible to other participants, who will generally be able to see your head and shoulders, and should be avoided. Sit up straight with your shoulders back.
•Hands off
We all use our hands, to a greater or lesser degree, to gesticulate when we are talking. But when you are on a screen, hands look disembodied and distracting, especially if they are flapping around near your face. Try your hardest to keep your hands out of the picture, especially as they are likely to stray to your face and fiddling with your hair, stroking your beard and so on looks even more nervous and disconcerting when it is magnified on screen.
Some of us forego breakfast altogether, for many of us it comprises a quick bowl of cereal or slice of toast. But the first meal of the day has a rich heritage and is a great way of providing hospitality.
Victorian country house breakfasts were astonishingly elaborate affairs, famous for an array of huge serving dishes piled high with grilled kippers, devilled kidneys, kedgeree and eggs of every description.
As with all social occasions, the etiquette of the breakfast was clearly delineated:
“In the country the breakfast hour varies from 9 to 10.30, and in some country houses it is an understood thing that the guests are at liberty to come down to breakfast at any time between nine and half-past ten. In not a few country houses the hostess and the ladies breakfast in their own rooms, and the gentlemen of the party breakfast with the host in the breakfast-room.
The breakfast gong is a signal for assembling in the breakfast-room or dining-room, but it is not the custom to wait for any one beyond five or ten minutes… The servants should remain in attendance during breakfast to wait upon the guests…There is no general move made from the breakfast table as in the case of luncheon or dinner; the hostess generally remains until the whole of the guests have at least commenced breakfast, save in the case of very late comers…“
Manners and Rules of Good Society, by A Member of the Aristocracy, first published 1879
Many Victorian breakfast dishes are rich and spicy and a very far cry from our fruit compotes, granolas and lightly buttered toast. Devilled kidneys were cooked in a spicy sauce, generally comprising Worcestershire sauce, cayenne pepper, mustard, butter, salt and pepper. Kedgeree is an Anglo-Indian dish (from the Hindi Khichri), which was commended in Mrs Beeton’s famous book of Household Management. In her version it comprises flaked fish (often smoked haddock), basmati rice, butter, mustard and boiled eggs. Even scrambled eggs were heavily flavoured; ‘Scotch Woodcock’ combines eggs with cayenne pepper, gentleman’s relish, anchovies and capers.
During hunting season, participants were provided with an even more hearty breakfast than usual. Grilled pheasants and lamb chops were standard offerings and Mrs Beeton suggests game pie is a suitable addition to the groaning breakfast table.
It is thought that brunch, a meal that is normally taken between 10am–1pm, originated with these heavy-duty hunt breakfasts. Brunch is a portmanteau word, combining ‘breakfast’ and ‘lunch’ and is believed to have been coined in 1895 by a writer for Hunter’s Weekly named Guy Beringer. He deplored the heaviness of Sunday lunch and advocated instead a much more palatable meal: “Brunch is cheerful, sociable and inciting. It is talk-compelling. It puts you in a good temper, it makes you satisfied with yourself and your fellow beings, it sweeps away the worries and cobwebs of the week.” Punch magazine commended his idea in 1896 and the whole notion of brunch soon spread across the Atlantic.
As the idea of brunch became more popular during the roaring 1920s, it was increasingly common to incorporate alcohol into the proceedings, especially for male guests. The Bloody Mary is believed to have been invented in Harry’s New York Bar in Paris in the 1920s. Famous for its ’hair of the dog’ qualities, it became a popular hangover remedy and an ideal brunch-time drink. It could also be served without vodka for those who wished to abstain.
Today, brunch is a hugely popular meal to eat out. It is generally less expensive than lunch, it doesn’t necessarily involve alcohol, the timings are circumscribed. It is therefore ideal for business meetings or for an enjoyable hour or two socialising in an otherwise busy day.
But brunch (or breakfast if you prefer) is also a good meal to host. As with afternoon tea, your guests will recognise that the invitation is not open-ended and that they are expected to leave by the early afternoon. You can also organise food which does not offer too much of a culinary challenge.
It is generally best to start brunch at around 11am-noon. By then, all your guests will have had time to wake up and get ready and it will not be in too much of a rush.
Always offer plenty of tea, coffee and fruit juice. As for food, the main priority is to provide plenty of choice – much of this will not involve cooking:
•If you feel up to cooking, consider taking a leaf our of our Victorian ancestors’ book and serving a large dish of kedgeree (you can add Indian spices such as cumin, coriander and cardamom) and garnish it liberally with chopped parsley or coriander. Alternatively, a large platter of scrambled or fried eggs, with crispy butcher’s bacon on the side, would be an attractive, and not too onerous, choice.
•A generous array of ham and cheese with fresh bread rolls (continental style) is a good non-cooked option. Croissants and Danish pastries always go down well.
•If you’re catering for vegans, you could cook a spicy dish of chickpeas in tomato sauce, and serve them with a dollop of thick yogurt, mashed avocado and toast.
•Home-made muesli or granola is always a popular choice.
•A plentiful supply of fruits and Greek yoghurt provides an alternative for guests who do not want to eat heavy food early in the day.
•If you want to serve alcohol, you could offer a jug of Bloody Mary. For something less potent, you could offer Bucks Fizz or Mimosa (a simple mixture of orange juice and champagne or sparkling wine). The only difference between these two drinks is the alcohol content: a Mimosa combines two parts orange juice to one part champagne, whereas the Bucks Fizz reverses these proportions.
Breakfast can be a difficult time, especially if not everyone around the table is a ’morning person’. If you are blessed with a constitution that gives you an enthusiasm for the morning, then approach breakfast with caution and read the mood before inflicting your sunny disposition and get-up-and-go attitude on your companions.
Respect the slower, quieter and more relaxed pace that is often preferred first thing and allow everyone a cup of something in peace.
Conversely, no matter how tired, unrested or apprehensive you feel about the day ahead, it is equally bad manners to bring a bad morning mood to the table.
It is wise to have a selection of breakfast options available, Tea and toast will do for most, but guests may find a cooked breakfast an enjoyable indulgence, especially at weekends. Remember, if you are planning a substantial lunch a full fry-up might be too ambitious.
Give your guests a rough idea of what time you usually take breakfast – it is very embarrassing to hear guests rummaging around in the kitchen while you are still lazing in bed.
Guests and hosts should get dressed before going down to breakfast – save slopping about in your pyjamas for when you’re home alone or en famille.
Freshly brewed coffee and a large pot of tea are a must, along with a good selection of jams and spreads. Fresh juice should be readily available, and a well-stocked fruit bowl and a selection of pastries are also a welcome addition. If guests bring children, a couple of packets of cereal are always a good idea.
Even if you do not really eat breakfast yourself, you must assume that your guests do, and make sure that you cater for them. Try and eat something, however small, yourself; sitting on the sidelines with a cup of black coffee and nothing else is a discouraging sight.
‘Phubbing’ is a portmanteau word, devised by an Australian ad agency in 2012, which combines ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’. At the time it was coined, smartphones were becoming affordable and accessible, but they were nowhere near as universal as they are today, and phone addiction was in its infancy.
In 2024 that jokey word has become a useful term for describing a phenomenon that is becoming increasingly troubling, which is having an impact on relationships with friends and family and causing strife in romantic partnerships.
Given the compulsion most of us seem to feel to check on our phones at regular intervals, it is very likely that we have all experienced phubbing – being overlooked or ignored because a phone screen is more alluring. Phubbing can cover a range of behaviour, from glancing at the screen when notifications buzz to full-on hunkering down and scrolling on the phone in a social situation or when you are one-to-one with another person. Of course, there is no dispute that phubbing is extremely bad manners, because it implies quite clearly that the person who is being phubbed is considerably less riveting than the phone. They are likely to feel sidelined and insulted and, especially in romantic partnerships where attentiveness is key, rejected.
Because phones are addictive, it is quite likely that the person who is phubbing is blissfully unaware of the impact of their behaviour. They have fallen victim to a compulsion, like a facial tic or a jiggling leg, which is to glance at their phones at increasingly regular intervals. There is probably no conscious thought along the lines of “This person is boring, so I’ll check the football scores”, simply an unconscious urge to check out that tantalising screen.
The whole tendency to phub has been compounded by the ways in which our work-life balance has changed. Because we are all equipped with smartphones, and can access texts and emails at any time, there is a presumption – especially if we work flexible hours or are home-based – that we are always going to be available and willing to respond to work imperatives. We feel that we must meet this expectation and are therefore driven to checking our phones to show our efficiency and alacrity.
In addition, smartphones have become the gateway to infinite amounts of information and stimulus, from news sites and streaming services to a whole variety of social media apps. Our online lives are increasingly rich and demanding and, if we have set up notifications and alerts, it is hard to ignore the siren call of that digital world, whether it is a news headline, an intriguing piece of celebrity gossip, a sports result, or an update on social media platforms. There is just too much going on.
How do we ignore this online cacophony and dedicate ourselves to focusing on the real human beings with whom we are meant to be interacting? First, we must conduct a swift self-interrogation and establish whether we have a problem with phubbing:
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself, which will highlight just how dependent you are on your smartphone. You are, of course, unlikely to be a phubber if you see your phone as merely functional, rather than a lifeline.
•Do you take your phone everywhere? Do you feel panicked and naked if you can’t feel it in our pocket or see its reassuring glow in your handbag?
•Do you tend to put your phone on the table whenever you arrive at a meeting, whether it is business or social?
•Do you believe that you are indispensable and must therefore always be reachable and does that belief make you feel good about yourself?
•Are you an avid consumer of all your phone’s online offerings? Do you spend much of your spare time gazing at your screen?
•Are you under the illusion that flicking regular glances at your phone’s screen doesn’t count?
If you have diagnosed high levels of phone dependency, you are possibly already phubbing friends, partners, family. It is to be hoped that people close to you are willing to call you out when your phone behaviour becomes offensive, but all too often they will shy away from the confrontation and nurse feelings of rejection instead. So, it is always a good idea to look at your own behaviour and judge whether you need to take action:
•Make it a rule that, whenever you are meeting people in the flesh, you turn off your phone’s notifications altogether or switch them to silent. Without the constant beeping from your phone, you might be able to find enough concentration to focus on the conversation.
•If you’re meeting people socially, try turning your phone off altogether. This is a real cold turkey move which you might find too challenging initially; if that is the case, allow yourself to take your phone with you when you go to the loo or the bar so that you can have a quick glance at your messages, then turn it off before you re-join your party.
•Forbid yourself from ever putting the phone on the table when you are meeting people. If you’re a notorious phubber, putting the phone centre stage is an act of aggression – everyone will know that as soon as it beeps or flashes you will not hesitate to glance at it or, worse still, pick it up, and putting it on the table affirms the importance of the phone to you.
•Make it an absolute rule that you will never use your phone at the dining table and, if you have children, steadfastly insist that they comply. Bad habits start young and looking at the phone when you’re eating with other people is the worst phone habit of all.
•Exceptions prove the rule. There may well be occasions when you do need to be alert to your phone (your wife is about to go into labour, you’re waiting for a vital call from your boss, your child’s headteacher, your doctor, and so on). If this is the case, explain to the people you are with that you are waiting for an important call, and apologise in advance for any disturbance or distraction. When the call comes in try, if possible, to physically distance yourself from other people so your conversation does not have an inhibiting effect on their interaction.
•Finally, think about the notion of availability. Is it really so important that you are always on standby, ready to answer your phone? Will there be terrible consequences if it takes you two or three hours to respond to a text or message? For some people, the answer will undoubtedly be “yes”, but they are in the minority and most of must accept that we’re not that indispensable. And once we do so, we’ll realise that the world is a much more congenial and relaxing place if we’re able to prioritise real-life over digital interactions.
