We’ve all experienced the slightly queasy feeling that comes when watching too many lifestyle shows or reading too many lavish ‘at home’ features in the glossy magazines. Will our own more modest, and possibly messy, homes live up to the highest standards? Are we succumbing to hosting pressure?

Most of the time we accept that they don’t and we’re quite happy to muddle along but having visitors, especially if they are staying for a night or two, can bring all these anxieties to the fore. Realistically, how much effort should we be making to accommodate our guests? And how can guests alleviate hosting pressure?

Hosting Preparations

Most of us would agree that inviting guests to a house that is undergoing renovation, where they will have to pick their way around paint pots and ladders, is inadvisable (unless you know them really well). But nobody expects perfection: the most that you can ask of yourself is that your home fulfils the following expectations:

•Is it clean?

Squalor, especially in bathrooms and the kitchen, is never going to be popular with guests, so at the very least ensure that communal spaces are dusted, hoovered, mopped or wiped down.

•Is it tidy?

This does not mean that your home must be a model of pristine organisation – simply that surface clutter should be tidied away, or at least moved out of the way and organised or stacked. You do not want your guests to feel that they are picking their way through the accumulated detritus of family life; apart from the sense of chaos it generates, it will make them feel that you have made absolutely no preparations for their arrival.

•Is it comfortable?

This is the very nub of good hosting and will require a bit of thought and experimentation. Sit in each of your dining or kitchen chairs, and if they’re unforgivably hard, provide cushions or backrests. In the same spirit of inquiry, test out your sofa and ensure that tables are within easy reach for snacks and drinks. If your guests are staying over, test the bed and bedside light, and ensure that there is somewhere for them to stow their bags and hang their clothes.

•Is it warm?

This is a consideration in the winter, when it is vital to ensure that your guests are warm enough. Don’t stint on heating in the living rooms, especially if you have older guests who feel the cold. Check out drafts in the dining room and use draft excluders and curtains to reduce cold air. Provide extra blankets or bedcovers and ensure that your duvet is an adequate weight for winter. Putting a hot-water bottle in a guest’s bed to take the chill off icy sheets is always a kind gesture.

•Is it welcoming?

This is the elusive quality all hosts seek and, as long as the requirements listed above are fulfilled, much of the welcome will come down to the hosts’ behaviour, first and foremost. Of course, guests will appreciate small gestures, like flowers in the bedroom, a wrapped tablet of scented guest soap, an array of alluring creams and lotions, a pristine bottle of mineral water and an intriguing selection of reading matter beside the bed.

But there really is no need to go overboard: it is all too easy to pile on the hosting touches until your home begins to look like a hotel and your guests begin to feel overwhelmed by your exacting sense of hospitality. It is much more effective to concentrate on a warm welcome, a generous provision of drinks and delicious food, and a relaxed acceptance of your guests’ quirks and foibles.

If you become too focused on the ‘perfection’ of your home you are liable to come across as a controlling host, someone who over-organises their hospitality and sticks rigidly to their meticulous plans, unable to accommodate unexpected requests, setbacks or eccentricities. 

How Can Guests Help?

The best guests are appreciative and undemanding. They do not arrive in your home with a list of demands or expectations and are happy to go along with the host’s plans ­ – in other words, they are willing to put themselves in the host’s hands. Here are some examples of the ways in which guests can hinder hosting aspirations:

•Making demands before the event

It is helpful for guests who are vegetarian or vegan, or who suffer from serious food intolerances or allergies, to give their hosts adequate warning. However, hosts should not be expected to cater for special weight-loss regimes or quirky diets. If possible, guests should eat as much as they can of the food provided and leave it at that. If they feel that they cannot do without certain ingredients (eg oat milk or gluten-free bread), then it might be a good idea to bring these items with them, apologise to the host and explain that they don’t want to add to the host’s burden.

•Making home-improvement suggestions

We all know, when we are shown around someone’s house, that the expected response is admiration and appreciation. Even if you find their home dank, dark and dreary, you must find something positive to say. It is never a good idea to weigh in with your inventive ideas for bringing more light into the kitchen, or knocking through the sitting and dining room, or fitting an extra shower room in the utility space. If your host is anxious for your home-improvement expertise, you can be sure they will solicit your opinion, and if they do not do so, it is recommended you keep your mouth shut.

•Arriving with random leftovers

A good guest will, of course, arrive with suitable hospitality gifts – wine, flowers, chocolate are always a safe bet. A guest might feel moved to bring something more substantial, for example a platter of artisan cheeses or a side of smoked salmon. These are undoubtedly generous gifts, but tread carefully because you do not want to look as if you are supplementing inadequate provisions from your host. If in doubt, you could always ask your host beforehand.

Worst of all are the guests who arrive for the weekend, or even for dinner, bearing a strange selection of items from their fridge because they “do not want them to go to waste”. While that desire is laudable, most hosts will feel insulted, and very possibly inconvenienced, by these offerings, because they will have already put a great deal of thought and planning into the food they are going to provide.

If you do make a mistake when it comes to offering hospitality gifts, and your contribution to the host remains undrunk or untasted, do not reclaim it when you leave. That is adding insult to injury and overlooks the possibility that the hosts are looking forward to indulging in your gift when everybody has gone home.

•Having their own agenda

If you’re staying with friends, you’re effectively putting yourself in their hands, so it is rude and inconsiderate to arrive at their house with a bucket list of places you want to visit. Your hosts will no doubt have planned activities for the weekend and will not appreciate your input – if they want your opinion about the day’s plans you can be sure they will ask you for it. Suggesting that you all go and visit your old friends who live nearby, or inviting them to your host’s house, might well be perceived as an act of treachery, so tread carefully.

•Taking “make yourself at home” too literally

This is a cliché that is often misinterpreted. What the host actually means is that you should relax, sit comfortably and comply with their wishes. They do not mean that you should lie down on the sofa, messing with the tv remote when everyone is talking, fiddle with your laptop while eating breakfast, help yourself to food from the fridge or drinks from the cabinet. Recognise the limitations of this request and do not interpret it literally. 

•Inviting the dog

Not all hosts are dog-owners or dog-lovers, so if you’re devoted to your pooch think carefully when you are invited to someone’s home. If in doubt, ask politely, and take no for an answer – never try to wheedle an invitation for your dog from an unwilling host.

If you do bring your dog for an overnight stay, make sure you come equipped with adequate supplies of food, dog bowls, dog biscuits, dog toys and a basket. If you let your dog sleep on your bed at home, bear in mind that many people will not approve, so clarify sleeping arrangements beforehand and never make assumptions that your host will be as tolerant of your dog as you are. If you detect any discomfort about the whole dog question, whether you are bringing the dog for a meal or a weekend, it might be better to make alternative arrangements.