January is peak dieting season, and we all know that diets bring many etiquette challenges, both for hosts and dieters alike.

This is not a new phenomenon: diets and weight-loss have been preoccupying human beings for centuries. In 1820 Lord Byron, who was obsessed with his weight, advocated drinking three tablespoons of vinegar in water before each meal to stimulate fat loss. The first diet book, snappily titled “Letter on Corpulence Addressed to the Public” by Dr William Harvey was published in 1862 and recommended cutting out virtually all sugar and starch. Calorie counting was first mooted as an aid to weight loss in 1918 and in 1925 Lucky Strike launched an advertising campaign that recommended smoking cigarettes rather than eating sweets.

Weight Watchers can trace their origins back to 1963. Just nine years later, the famous Atkins Diet, which recommended cutting carbohydrates to an absolute minimum and focusing on protein and fat, was launched. The Beverly Hill Diet (1981) advised a blitz of fruit only for 10 days, followed by gradual reintroduction of other food groups, whilst fans of nuts, vegetables, fruit and meat embraced the Paleo Diet, launched in 2002, which followed in our cave-dwelling ancestors’ footprints. Fasting, or merely subsisting on juice, were the next trends, which also embraced the benefits of detoxing (another January buzzword). And so it goes on.

Whether you choose to follow a low-calorie, low-carb diet, or opt for one of the more esoteric fad diets, the experts all seem to agree – dieting, in the sense of restricting one or more food groups, rarely works in the long term. A permanent change of lifestyle and mindset is more effective in ensuring that any weight loss is not short-lived.

The Dieting Dilemma

As we have seen, dieting was a craze through much of the 20th century and the impact it had on social occasions was much discussed. In an etiquette book for women published in 1956, the following observations were made:

“A guest can dispirit a whole party if she refuses the first course of scampi, scrapes all the sauce off the chicken, says no to potatoes, only helps herself to sprouts if they are boiled without salt and will not touch a drop of drink…

The heart of the matter for the dinner-party guest is how far to allow her slimming regime to intrude on the dinner party. From the dieter’s point of view there is no doubt that if the diet is to be effective there cannot be many exceptions. From the cook-hostess’s point of view nothing is so infuriating as a guest who waves away here loving prepared meal, merely because she is trying out the banana regime.”

Then as now… Clearly if you are on a diet and you are invited for dinner in someone’s home (restaurants are different as you have control over what you order), you must make a decision. Will you make a few concessions, eat what everybody else is having, but eat in moderation? Will you be discreet about this decision? Will you, if questioned by a concerned host about your restraint, explain that you are on a diet, and not let her think that the food is not up to scratch?  If you have no desire to disrupt the dinner, these are the best options.

However, many dieters seem unable to keep quiet about their regime and are all too happy to bore the assembled company with the intricacies of their daily intake, the vagaries of their weight loss, the triumphant shedding of a few pounds, and so on. They might even bring their own food or ingredients, which is insulting to the host. They do not seem to be aware that a detailed discussion of their diet is extremely narcissistic and self-obsessed and goes against the whole sociable premise of a dinner party. If a dieter is going to disrupt conviviality, then it is better that they refuse invitations and opt out altogether.

If you have chosen to take the strict dieting route, remember managing to keep shtum about the day-to-day details of your regime is just one consideration; you must also make sure you don't turn into a tetchy party-pooper. Strict diets often mean feeling hungry and irritable, or 'hangry', and you need to be on your guard when it comes to displaying these feelings to other people. If you can't control your mood, stay away.

Hosting Obligations

Hosting a dieter brings its own responsibilities. As a host, you might well be frustrated by a finicky guest, who eats only sparingly and rejects your more high-calorie offerings. But you must respect their attempt to lose weight, and you must never refuse to take no for an answer. So, never badger your guest, insist they have second helpings, repeatedly refill their glass (even though they put their hand over it), or pooh-pooh their choices. Don’t vent your frustration by pouring scorn on their specific diet regime (or diets in general), just accept that they have made a choice, and move on.

If someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.

DonIf someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.

Don’t overcompensate if one of your guests announces they’re on a diet. You’re under no obligation to change your menu to accommodate their diet diktats and inflict their food choices on your non-dieting guests. Just proceed as normal, and trust that the dieter will be able to negotiate your high-calorie temptations without making a fuss. Turning an entire table-full of guests into calorie-counters against their will is never a recipe for successful entertaining.

Commenting on Diets

If someone says they’re on a diet, try your best not to comment on the wisdom, or otherwise, of the decision, and try and deflect the conversation away to the details of the regime. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying into difficult territory, where your reaction indicates that you always thought the dieter was overweight, or you always believed they had issues with food or body dysmorphia. Wading into the complex world of other people’s body image can be embarrassing and potentially insulting.

Try and avoid saying “Have you lost weight?”, which some sensitive dieters might interpret as a comment on the excess pounds they were carrying before going on a diet. Instead, offer a more generic comment like “You look really well”. Proud dieters will immediately attribute the compliment to their weight loss and be entirely satisfied.

Remember, any discussion of your own weight is tedious but acceptable – unless you are being boastful. Any discussion of another person’s weight is still beyond the pale. Never make the mistake of thinking that your willingness to discuss your own weight gives you carte blanche to introduce someone else to the party. Comments along the lines of “I’ve found this amazing diet perhaps you should try it?” are never going to be welcomed, no matter how flabby the focus of your question.

Finally, if someone you know well has embarked on a hellish regime, keep up the praise and compliments and offer them every encouragement. In fact, your heart is probably sinking: your once entertaining friend or loved one may well transmogrify into a bore, a human calculator of calorie-counting, a dinner party guest from hell. Take a deep breath and brace yourself for the post-diet recriminations and guilt complexes.