Being invited as a guest to a restaurant is very different from going out for a meal with friends, where the bill is being split and there is a democratic free-for-all when it comes to food choices, complaints and requests.

If you are invited to lunch or dinner in a restaurant, you should remember that you are a guest and that someone else is picking up the bill. This means that they are running the show: organising orders, choosing the wine, making suggestions. As a guest, you will need to defer to the host and should never pre-empt their responsibilities, for instance by ordering another bottle of wine or more bread. You should keep any grumpiness with the food or the service to yourself and be as positive and appreciative as possible.

Ordering the Food

You may arrive with your host but if you arrive separately try to be as punctual as possible and give your host’s name to the restaurant front-of-house staff, who should show you to the table. When you are given the menu, you may want to ask your host if there is anything he/she recommends and no doubt the waiter will reel off the day’s specials. Do not feel you need to order from the set menu unless everyone is doing so; if the host says they’re ordering from the set menu, you might feel obliged to follow suit – the vital skill is to gauge the tenor of the hospitality and not to push beyond any boundaries you have detected. In general, it is safer, and more polite, not to opt for the most extravagant dish unless your host suggests it.

If the host enthusiastically recommends certain dishes, it is polite to endorse their judgement by ordering them, if possible, but you should not feel coerced. Sometimes, a short explanation will iron out any misunderstandings: “the tripe sounds delicious, but I’m afraid I’m really squeamish about offal”.

When you are choosing, be wary of complicated or messy food, which might involve unfamiliar implements (seafood picks for example) or finger bowls. If you are not sure what something means, then ask the waiter as you may embarrass the host if he/she does not know either. Remember, it will be boring for other guests if you embark on a long dialogue with the waiter about the nuances of the cuisine, the origin of the ingredients and so on.

When it’s time to order, don’t hold everyone up by prevaricating, be decisive. Just give an abbreviated version of the dish, eg “the lamb”, rather than solemnly intoning a long pretentious description, possibly in a foreign language. If you can barely understand anything and are too shy to ask you can always say: “the chicken, please” and hope for the best.

Asking for food that is not on the menu, or for food that is listed to be cooked or served in a special way is increasingly common as so many people now follow diets or have allergies or intolerances. It can, however, be rude to the host to make too much of a fuss or to hold everyone up, so keep it brief and include the host, explaining and apologising, rather than monopolising the waiter with complex demands. You don’t want to come across as neurotic and over-demanding.

The host will order and taste the wine, but you will then be served it as the guest. Unless you are an acknowledged expert whose opinion is solicited it is best to confine yourself to polite appreciation of the choice that has been made. It is fine to discuss the food, and certainly polite to endorse your dish enthusiastically if possible; do not be too critical and avoid being a food bore. Use discussions of the food as a platform for getting on to more interesting topics.

Usually, the first two courses are ordered at the same time and then the waiter will return to ask if you want to order anything else. It is not necessary to order pudding. If you do not want to indulge, you can ask for coffee at the same time as other people are having pudding, or – if it is a leisurely meal – wait until they finish and move on to coffee.

Guest Behaviour

Occasionally the host will have pre-ordered, leaving you with no choice or perhaps a very limited one, say beef or salmon. You must simply accept this. In a restaurant where you are unfamiliar with the food it may be best to leave one person to order a selection of dishes. If you must help yourself from communal dishes, remember not to reach across people. Ask to be passed things where possible and take a little from each dish if you can.

As a guest, do not criticise the food, or take on a senior position that may undermine the host. If there is a serious issue with the food (eg it is dangerously undercooked), mention it discreetly to the host, rather than peremptorily summoning the waiter, and allow them to handle it is their own way.

Above all, remember that your host is being generous and hospitable, and you therefore owe them the courtesy of focusing on the food, the company, the conversation, and not your phone. Put your phone away before you enter the restaurant, switch it off or mute it and resist the temptation to glance at it from time to time. The only exception would be if you are waiting for an important call or text; if this is the case you should explain at the outset that you might have to keep an eye on your phone.

If you see other people you know in the restaurant when you are someone’s guest, it is best just to smile or perhaps wave discreetly. If they come over on their way out and you must make introductions it is best to remain seated, not get up and start kissing people, and to keep it all very brief: “Lovely to see you. Let’s catch up soon.” Unless you think your host may be really interested, just give the briefest account of who they were. People sometimes resent such interruptions.

If you have been invited, you can expect the host to pay so just thank him/her warmly, don’t make feeble and half-hearted attempts to pay. If you are with a friend and normally share, then offer to do so, but if they have invited you and it is their idea it is best to suggest that you reciprocate next time.

Thanks

You may wish to thank for a restaurant meal by email as it is a less formal situation than being entertained in someone’s home and thanking promptly and quite briefly may be more appropriate, but a hand-written letter is always appreciated, especially if the meal was celebrating an important occasion. A text is better than nothing…