For many newly-engaged couples, who are embarking on the task of planning and organising their wedding, compiling the all-iimportant guest list is the first hurdle. Navigating each other’s dreams and fantasies, parental expectations, and complex social dynamics can put an emotional strain on couples, but solutions can be found to even the most testing invitation dilemmas.

By the time you are ready to draw up a guest list, you may have attended dozens of friends’ and family members’ weddings and parties. The process of choosing guests, however, is not about returning favours. You should actively want guests to be there, and anyone whose friendship has lapsed, or who might attend with anything but the best of sentiments, should be considered with caution.

Traditional Guest List Etiquette

Traditionally, in a situation where the wedding was organised and paid for by the bride’s parents, the bride’s mother would send out the invitations. These days, when weddings are organised and financed in a myriad different ways, it is much more common for the couple to take on the responsibility themselves. The person financing the majority of the wedding may expect to have more influence, which is why it is important to have clear and open discussions at an early stage to manage expectations.

Courtesy invitations should be sent out to guests who will be unable to attend, for example due to illness or living overseas.

The best man, all bridesmaids and pages and parents (except any parents who are doing the inviting) should receive a formal invitation as a matter of courtesy. If the person conducting the wedding ceremony is to attend the reception, he or she should also receive an invitation.

Think Carefully About Your Priorities

The budget and venue size will determine the number of guests. If you have your heart set on a destination wedding venue abroad, accept the fact that you will realistically only be able to invite the ‘top tier’ of guests, and only people very close to you or family members will be able to contemplate the expense and time involved in attending your wedding.

If surrounding yourself with a large crowd of people is much more your style, accept that you might have to make compromises when it comes to your venue. The bijou country house hotel with the garden of your dreams might be far too small for your guest expectations and you will need to decide what is most important to you.

It is sensible to talk through these questions at the outset, before you even begin to compile your list. Once you have decided on the number of guests you can both afford and accommodate, stick to your guns. It is always tempting to slip in extra invitations, or bend your own rules, but if you do so you will find the whole affair is slipping out of control.

Navigating Parental Expectations

If parents are making a substantial contribution to the cost of the wedding, they may well feel that they have a right to ask guests of their own (perhaps friends of theirs who have known you since you were a small child). You will need to discuss this at the outset; as always, a compromise solution is the most sensible, such as agreeing that they can be allocated a certain number of invitations to hand out themselves. This sort of agreement does not need to be restricted to cash-contributing parents, you may want to do it in any case.

It is important, however, that you tactfully establish from the outset that this is primarily your event; you do not want your wedding to be swamped by large numbers of parental invitees or distant relations and you certainly do not want to forfeit your own guests to accommodate parental expectations. Just remember that making a few concessions always eases this type of negotiation.

However, you will also have to bear in mind that certain families and cultures place great emphasis on including large numbers of family guests in wedding celebrations, and going against those expectations might cause a rift. Try and be as diplomatic as possible and, if necessary, be prepared to explain why you consider certain non-family guests essential.

In all these cases, difficulties can be solved by prioritising guests. You can invite ‘top tier’ guests to participate in the whole day – the ceremony, reception, evening party. Guests who do not fall into this category can be invited to post-ceremony celebrations – just add an explanation to the invitation, eg: ‘Owing to the small size of St John’s Church it is possible to ask only very few guests to the service. We hope you will forgive this invitation being to the reception only’.

It is never acceptable to invite a guest to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception.

Compiling the List

Start by compiling a draft wish list, adding every person that might possibly be invited. You can then shave this down until you have settled on a realistic number of guests. Keep a record of how those names that did not make the final count to act as a reserve guest list.

Family should come first. If one of you has a much larger family, an equal split might not be possible, and if both families are large, the number of friends on the guest list may have to be a reduced. If there is a marked discrepancy between family size, the bride or groom who has the much smaller list of family invitees should be allowed to compensate by asking more friends.

Keep a record of those you have invited and their responses as they come in. If you receive refusals you can send invitations to those on the reserve list. It’s fine to send out a second wave of invitations as long as you still leave plenty of notice (at least two months before the wedding). You don’t want a late invitation to look like an afterthought.

It can be helpful to manage your guest list by recording invitations sent and responses on a spreadsheet. You can also use this document to record any special dietary requests, or other salient details. It will make managing the event much easier.

Plus Ones

Consider whether or not you want to invite partners of guests. There is no general rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her spouse or partner should be invited. Otherwise, and especially if you have not met the partner of the guest in question, it is usually acceptable not to invite them. If you do decide this, communicate it clearly to the guests, pleading logical constraints, desire for an intimate wedding etc.

Try and be consistent. The one exception to this might be a guest who does not know anybody, who you feel would enjoy the day much more if he/she were able to bring a partner. However, bear in mind that these circumstances can usually be alleviated by asking other guests to make a special effort to be sociable.

Note that, when inviting partners, the use of the words ‘and guest’ after a guest’s name should be avoided if at all possible – try to establish names, including surnames.

Children

You will need to decide at the outset if you are going to allow guests to bring children. Remember that if children are to be included you will need to make special catering provision for them and you will also need to put some thought into entertaining them (games, colouring books, employing a ‘nanny’ for the day etc). If you wish to embrace the whole concept of a multi-generational gathering and you would like children to attend, add their names to the invitation, to avoid ambiguity.

If, on the other hand, you would like an adults-only wedding, that is absolutely fine, but you must make it clear when you send out the invitations. Explain your reasons (limited space is always an acceptable excuse) and if there are to be exceptions (eg close family members, bridesmaids, pages), explain that as well so that you do not cause resentment on the day.

Don‘t Feel Guilty

Compiling a guest list is always hard and for most people will involve many compromises. Don’t feel bad about the sacrifices you have to make – they’re an inevitable part of the wedding planning process. If you feel concerned that you have had to leave out certain people you can always suggest getting together for a celebratory dinner before or after the event.

When organising the event and inviting them, it is a good idea to deal with the non-appearance of a wedding invitation head on. You can say something like ‘As you’re aware, Tom and I are getting married on Saturday 19th July. Due to the size of the wedding and reception venue, we have had to restrict our guest numbers. We would dearly love to celebrate with you, however, and would be delighted if you could join us for drinks and dinner on….’