Diplomacy refers to the rules and protocols that govern the behaviour of diplomats, who represent their countries on the international stage. More broadly, it is seen as the art and etiquette of interacting with other people in a sensitive and tactful way. At a time when diplomatic finesse sometimes appears to be lacking in high-profile negotiations between sovereign states, we look at the ways in which diplomatic skills and techniques can be used in everyday life and can help you negotiate and achieve your goals, without causing a diplomatic incident.

How to be More Diplomatic

•Set the Scene

Most negotiations benefit from a good choice of location: peace and privacy will ensure that you are able to focus on the task in hand, without the distractions of noise and onlookers. If a conversation looks likely to be difficult, most people will prefer not to be scrutinised and observed by non-participants. It is far better to withdraw somewhere private for talks and then report back to interested parties. Generally, the desire to demonstrate some progress has been made is a useful motivating factor in reaching an acceptable compromise.

•Listen intently

True diplomats will tend to listen more than they speak, and they will focus very intently on what they are hearing. That means not interrupting or talking over the other person. Using phrases like “I see”, “I understand” or “Yes, that makes sense” will make the other person feel that they are being heard, and re-stating what has been said is a clear way of demonstrating that you have been attentive to all their points. Retain eye contact throughout, and nod affirmatively from time to time.

•Be respectful

It is essential to always be civil and courteous. The emphasis is on proper greeting and introductions, deferring to your host, showing gratitude, sending notes of thanks and so on. Diplomatic courtesies are simply a demonstration of good, attentive manners and, whether you are on the international stage or negotiating a domestic dispute, you will find that politeness helps to soften the impact of disagreement and makes the person you are negotiating with more disposed to interact with you.

•Use small talk

If you are settling down for an arranged negotiation on any subject, try to relax before anything of substance is broached. By chatting about everyday issues and observations (weather, surroundings, journey time etc) you will be finding common ground and consolidating a friendly relationship before you get down to business.

•Think about your body language

Don’t sit hunched in a chair and try not to fold your arms – both postures look closed and defensive. Don’t lean in aggressively to harangue the other person. On the other hand, sprawling in a super-relaxed posture in your chair is also disconcerting, as it looks as if you’re not taking the proceedings seriously. It is best to sit upright and keep your hands in your lap; remember over-emphatic hand gestures and a raised voice all convey aggression. Try mirroring – most people relax if you copy their body language (eg cross your legs to mimic their position).

•Maintain eye contact

While a fixed stare can be challenging, steady eye contact conveys straightforwardness and honesty. Intermittent eye contact, or a tendency to look everywhere rather than into the face of your sparring partner, looks shifty and dishonest.

•Use the ameliorating power of praise

When you’re saying difficult things, it always helps if you can encase them in compliments and approbation. An unvarnished attack is purely aggressive; if it is sandwiched between kind remarks about the other person (their achievements, their reputation, their undoubted abilities), the impact will be softened, and the criticism will be more palatable.

•Soften disagreement

Use self-deprecation and humility to mask opposition. So, prefacing a remark with phrases like “I may be wrong, but…”, “I might have misunderstood your point of view, but…” creates a space where the other person can back down, or make a concession, without losing face.

•Seek out agreement

You might be dealing with substantive differences of opinion, but you will be able to change the narrative if you can find areas (however small) where you concur with each other. Use phrases like “I think we’re all agreed that…” to signal that these are positive efforts to find consensus and common ground.

•Keep calm

It is essential that you stay even-tempered and relaxed, and do not show signs of stress or anger. Practise deep breathing if you feel tensions begin to rise. You can always take control and interrupt proceedings by suggesting a refreshment break, which might take the momentum out of your anger, and give you a chance to regroup. Demonstrating negative emotions, or losing control of your own emotions, are both major diplomatic no nos.

•Keep it civil

Under pressure, it is easy to counteract with sarcasm or a jeering tone, but you must resist this temptation and seek to remain relentlessly civil and courteous. Under no circumstances should you say anything that will humiliate the other person.

•Don’t make assumptions

Claiming that you already know the other person’s point of view, or that you can anticipate how they will react to your proposal, is a way of disrespecting and diminishing them. It also sets up clear impediments to communication. Avoid this conversational cul-de-sac by remaining open-minded and receptive.

•Don’t be frightened of pauses

If you are asked a leading or challenging question, you do not have to come back with an immediate retort. Pause for careful thought. If necessary, raise your hand to indicate you need more time, or say something like “I need to think about that”. This will ensure that you will have time to run through the potential impact of what you are about to say and envision how your remarks will make the other person feel.

•Pace the conversation

Slowing down the pace of the conversation creates space for empathy – it gives you time to imagine how the other person might be feeling, or what effect our words are having on them. Don’t let your opposite number set a fast pace; rapid-fire exchanges can quickly become intemperate and ill-advised.

•Remember the winner does not take it all

Humiliating the person with whom you are negotiating, wrong-footing them, exposing their weakness, making them feel small and insignificant, highlighting their mistakes, gloating over their failures… these are all tactics that it is tempting to deploy if you find yourself in a situation of conflict and disagreement and you are intent on asserting your own point of view. But this is where diplomacy dies. No lasting or robust agreement will ever emerge from this kind of mortification. A true diplomat will never leave their opposite number feeling crushed and humiliated; they will strive to find a positive agreement and to convince everyone concerned that a healthy and constructive compromise has been reached.