Are you a curious person? Is it your instinct when meeting a new person to ask questions and gently probe? Or are you more likely to hold forth?

If you’re naturally curious and questions come easily, you will no doubt have been nonplussed by the people you meet who are happy to answer your questions, but never once reciprocate, appearing to exhibit a complete lack of curiosity or desire to form a connection with you. This can be deeply off-putting and many a potential friendship or relationship founders on these conversational obstructions.

It is considered polite to ask questions, because it clearly demonstrates an interest in other people. So why do some people not do it, and why does questioning sometimes turn into interrogation, where oppressive over-questioning can make the ‘target’ clam up?

Non-Curiosity

Obdurate non-questioners might appear to manifest a complete lack of curiosity for a number of reasons:

•Over-sensitivity about the very act of asking questions

Some people are tentative about asking personal questions because they feel they might appear to be prying or invading another person’s privacy. Unfortunately, while this reluctance might stem from a sense of tact and delicacy, it tends to develop into an all-round non-questioning stance, where even the most innocuous enquiries are not part of the conversational armoury.

•A tendency to perform

Some people do not see conversations as primarily a means of connecting; instead, they see them as a forum for projecting their own personality. They want to impress their conversational partners and do so by wresting control of the interaction and holding forth. Questions have no place in this dynamic.

•A lack of curiosity

Conversational non-questioners may be not particularly curious about themselves, or other people. They might not be particularly self-reflective and tend to focus on concrete observation, rather than investigating and interrogating.

•Feeling pressurised

Some people find the whole give and take of conversation, especially in the early stages of getting to know a stranger, makes them feel pressurised and under the microscope. They prefer collaborative conversation, based on banter, observation, finding common ground. They might bond with other people when involved in a mutual activity, which might range from a trivial challenge, such as locating the source of the canapés at the party, to dealing with a crisis.

Can You Overdo Curiosity?

While asking questions is generally an effective conversational technique, there are certainly circumstances where the act of questioning can be problematic:

Conversational Competitiveness

Not all questions are benign; some people ask questions because they want to pigeon-hole other people, assess their comparative wealth and status, identify whether they are worth cultivating and so on. When subjected to this kind of interrogative barrage the target may very understandably withdraw into a shell and refuse to engage in the investigative process. They reply in monosyllables and do not ask questions themselves because they are uncomfortable.

Intrusiveness

Some people are not just curious, they are nosy. They can never extract enough information from the people they meet and are always digging deeper, sometimes straying into dangerous territory. There are certain conventions in British society about questions that should not be asked – eg age, financial status – but intrusive questioners trespass into these conversational thickets without a backward glance. It is understandable if their targets simply refuse to play ball and ask reciprocal questions back – they are probably looking for an escape route.

Deflecting Interest

Some inveterate questioners use their curiosity about other people as a way of deflecting interest in themselves. For whatever reason, they do not want to be subject to scrutiny or be called to account for themselves – traditional questions relating to topics such as job, home, familial status may stray into difficult territory and no-go areas (eg unemployment, divorce, bereavement). So, they form an effective shield around themselves and their vulnerabilities by launching a barrage of questions.

Asserting power

Interrogations are a way of putting yourself in the driving seat of the conversation. You can use questions to manipulate and steer the conversation, setting the agenda and controlling the discourse. Asking questions can be a kind of powerplay, where answers are not sought to gain a greater understanding, but instead to dominate and control.

Making the Most of Questions

There are so many situations in which asking questions and displaying curiosity is not only the polite thing to do, but also the interesting option. You will be able to steer the conversation, find some surprising new pathways, avoid getting stuck in boring cul-de-sacs. So how do you get it right?

•Start by listening

Don’t make the mistake of lining up your next question and waiting to deliver it. You may well be so focused on your next move that you interrupt the conversational flow or find yourself asking a question that has already been answered. Instead, concentrate on really hearing what is being said and formulating responses (not necessarily questions) that are focused and appropriate.

•Detect reluctance

If someone is giving monosyllabic replies to your questions, or refusing to elaborate when they answer, you must accept that they are not open to being interrogated. Maybe your questions are intrusive, or the person with whom you are conversing is feeling defensive for some reason. But when they display reluctance, you need to change conversational tack. You could tell an anecdote, make an observation, draw out an opinion (possibly by airing your own ideas), which are all legitimate, not-interrogative, ways of moving the conversation forwards.

•Elicit, don’t solicit

All too often, people solicit information by asking direct questions, which can come across as intrusive or nosy, and provoke a negative reaction. Eliciting is a much more subtle way of obtaining information. It might involve making an observation about yourself, or your own feelings or opinions as a means of extracting a response: prefacing your remarks with phrases like “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I think…” are a diplomatic way of inviting feedback, without making a bald demand.

•Demonstrate that you have heard the answer

Sometimes people ask questions because they are conditioned to do so – questions and answers are the basic building blocks of small talk. But they are not truly interested in the answers, they do not listen to them intently or react to them. A good conversationalist will hear the answer and use it as a springboard for an observation or a further question. Above all, they will react to every answer – not just verbally, but also through their body language (eye contact, nodding, appropriate facial expressions). It is not only asking questions, but really listening to the answers, that creates a sense of respect and connection.