3 Feb 2025

The Flattery Trap

Flattery is a useful social skill, but it is essential that you recognise from the outset that it is a form of manipulation, a way of using fake praise or compliments to achieve a goal.

A true compliment is a genuine sign of approbation; if you don’t believe what you’re saying you are falling into the insincere flattery trap and all too often this will be detected and will count against you. Praise is different from compliments, because it focuses on behaviour and character traits, rather than on physical traits or specific abilities. If you tell your host that their signature dish was delicious, you’re giving a compliment; if you say, “you’re such a good cook”, you’re giving praise. Giving praise where praise is due is an excellent way, especially in the world of work, of ensuring that people are positive and well-motivated. It is therefore surprising how many of us are miserly about giving praise and positive approbation.

It is no accident that flatterers have been found, since time immemorial, in the ambit of kings, emperors, rulers, politicians and bosses, where their desire to insinuate themselves into the favour of the rich and powerful compels them to lie and dissimulate. Indeed, courtiers are synonymous with flattery; their primary skill is understanding how to charm and sweet-talk those in positions of power, without being overtly obsequious, thereby gaining influence and favour. Many leaders have oversized egos and are all too happy to courted and flattered and it is scarcely surprising that lapping up the honeyed words of skilled sycophants often leads them to disaster – the danger is that this fawning behaviour and self-serving adulation simply inflates the ego and endorses the duplicity of corrupt rulers and leaders. In the words of Shakespeare, “They do abuse the king that flatter him: For flattery is the bellows blows up sin.” William Shakespeare, Pericles, Act One.

But flattery is not always a dark art, and despite these devious roots it can be an effective way of oiling the wheels of social intercourse. A skilled flatterer is good at identifying exactly the right buttons to push to get the desired effect: often the best flattery has elements of truth, which make it more believable. The main aim of flattery is to tickle someone’s vanity, to tell someone what they want to hear, as a way of ameliorating a situation or facilitating a transaction. The most effective and skilled flatterer knows exactly where an individual’s vanity lies – whether it is brains, beauty, charm, originality, creativity and so on – and can focus on those attributes to maximum effect; flattery is often coupled with flirtation. By endearing themselves to their targets, they may find that they are effectively smoothing their path through life.

There is no doubt that on some occasions flattery is wielded to good effect. Assuring a friend that, yes, her diet has really worked when you know that she’s feeling low in the self-esteem stakes is kind. Flattering your boss that he or she is a great manager is purely common sense. Being flattered by your partner, whether alone or in front of others, brings a cosy glow for all.  The main thing is not to wallow in self-delusion; if you’re being flattered you must be fully aware of the nature of the spell; don’t ever believe the propaganda.

How to Spot Flattery

•Beware generalised adulation

Genuine praise often focuses on a specific action; “I was really impressed by the way you explained the sales figures in your presentation yesterday”. Flattery is often vaguer and more generalised: “You’re great at speaking in public”. While the flattery might leave a woozy feeling of self-satisfaction, the praise has highlighted a particular area of skill; it might spur you on to improve further or it might shift your focus to areas that are more clearly aligned with your talents.

•Beware deception

Flattery is about buttering up people (usually for the flatterer’s own ends), not about genuinely encouraging them. It is selfish rather than selfless. Think about what has been said and try to assess if it is genuine, and useful, praise or simply a few kind words that have been lobbed in your direction because the flatterer wants something from you. If the latter is the case, enjoy the flattery but embrace your knowledge of the flatterer’s motives. It’s important not to let flattery (or even praise) go to your head.

•Know your friends

Some people are compulsively generous when it comes to praise, compliments and flattery. You would be well advised to take some of their effusions with a pinch of salt and accept that this tendency to be profligate about praise is part of their character. You will also inevitably know people who are much more sparing; they rarely offer praise or compliments and when they do, you can be sure that they are genuine and heartfelt. Generally, these people do not possess the flatterer’s skill.

•Acknowledge flattery

If you know you’re being played, and are quite conscious that the art of flattery is being deployed, it is often a good idea to acknowledge the fact, by simply saying something like “you flatter me!”. That way, you will be serving notice that you have spotted the flattery and are not going to be swayed by skilful blandishments.

•Don’t fall into the flattery trap

We’re all likely to turn flatterers from time to time. We’re all aware that so-called praise and compliments are excellent tools for manipulating other people and bending them to our will. But this behaviour is insincere and inauthentic. When you’re about to offer praise or a compliment, pause for a moment and ask yourself: is this transactional? am I saying this because I have an ulterior motive? Think about what you are about to say: if your projected praise is a generic remark, that could apply to anyone, rather than a targeted and perceptive observation, then you’re very likely to be slipping into the flattery trap.

Top: Henrick Danckerts (1625–80), Charles II being given the first pineapple grown in England by his royal gardener, John Rose

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