We are taught from an early age that whispering is rude. Whispering is a crude weapon of social rejection; by advertising intimacy with one person, you are also excluding everyone else. Whispering inevitably induces paranoia in the people around you, and at the very least makes them feel uncomfortable.

Whispering is a pernicious form of social manipulation. If you are singled out as the recipient of a whispered confidence, especially in a situation where you are uncomfortable or do not feel fully accepted, it is easy to feel gratified by the attention and flattered that you are the recipient of confidential information.

But in a situation like this, whispering is a performative gesture of exclusion. If you choose to whisper in someone’s ear, when other people are present, you are signalling the special status of the confidante at everyone else’s expense – whispering is often the recourse of social queen bees and playground bullies, who like to control social situations and dominate the people around them. They feel gratified to be seen as people in the know, who have the power to single out favourites, and bestow information on other people, as they see fit.

Think carefully before you whisper. It’s tempting to whisper observations and ‘asides’ to your companion in social situations, especially when they are boring. But even if your intentions are not malicious, other people will notice and will be made to feel uncomfortable. In a group situation, remember your school days, and don’t succumb to this juvenile behaviour. Refuse to whisper something to one person that you don’t feel comfortable conveying to the whole group. If you want to share a secret save it for later.

If you are selected for the whispering treatment, the easiest way to opt out – without being forced into a confrontation – is to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you’re saying”. If that doesn’t work, you might have to address the situation head-on and say “Can we talk about this later? Whispering looks so rude”. Try to remember how it makes you feel when you see other people whispering in front of you, and don’t play ball – these are playground tactics.

Acceptable Whispering

There are certain situations where it is acceptable to have a brief whispered exchange. This is normally when the prevailing atmosphere is intense, sombre, or highly focused, and a small nugget of information or a short request needs to be communicated.

If, for example, you are attending a funeral service, and the undertaker needs to communicate something urgent about the ceremony, it is quite acceptable for him to discreetly whisper in your ear. If you are in an important business meeting, and your assistant enters the room and, with clear gestures of apology, whispers a short message in your ear, the general assumption is that some pressing business has been conveyed, but in such a way that it does not interrupt the general discourse.

In all these instances, the emphasis must be on brevity and discretion.

Unacceptable Whispering

On the other hand, if you are at a play, film, concert, or recital ­ – or any performance where there is a reasonable expectation of silence – you really should resist the desire to whisper to your companion, because it is extremely inconsiderate to the people who are nearby. No matter how quietly you think you’re talking, your whispering will be both audible and distracting. It is a very rare insight that needs to be urgently conveyed to a companion in these circumstances, and you should simply choose to reserve your comments until the end of the performance.

Workplace Whispering

Modern open-plan offices provide congenial spaces in which colleagues can relax, chat, hold impromptu meetings and brainstorm. They often offer communal spaces, which are well supplied with sofas and armchairs, where employees can sit, drink coffee and chat.

Desks, or even large tables, are open and exposed, without the traditional partitions that once protected privacy. In these circumstances, conversations are audible, and confidentiality is elusive. If two colleagues wish to have a private conversation, or gossip about someone on their team, they often have recourse to whispered conversations. But these inevitably carry all the negative baggage of whispered confidences in a social context, and can make people feel excluded, bullied or persecuted.

Inevitably, colleagues will want to have confidential conversations in the workplace, and the open-plan model does not cater for this. Ideally, the office will also supply ‘break out’ meeting rooms, where doors can be closed, and confidential information can be openly exchanged. If that is not the case, it would be wise to take these conversations off-site. Employers might also be wise to advise their employees that whispered conversations will not be tolerated. They should stress that, even if the topic of the whispering is completely non-controversial, whispering is a breach of etiquette, which is always construed as an act of exclusion.