Have you ever been socially upstaged? While there is no doubt that we all seek attention when we interact, most of us acknowledge that attention-seeking is a reciprocal game. We want to be noticed, observed, listened to and understood, and it is attention that oils conversations, consolidates contacts, forges friendships and reinforces relationships. But we acknowledge that we must also pay attention to other people – it’s all about give and take.

This civilised back and forth is predictably disrupted when a social upstager enters the scene. These are people who crave the spotlight, who thrive on attention, and are ruthlessly prepared to upstage anyone else who stands in their way.

They’re at their worst when it comes to big occasions (especially birthdays, weddings and funerals) where the focus is clearly on other people (eg the marrying couple or the family of the deceased) . They think nothing of dressing to kill, eclipsing the real stars of the show. And that is only the beginning – they dominate conversations, elbow key people out of photo line-ups to ensure they get front row billing and do anything to guarantee that they’re noticed and talked about, even if it means stealing the limelight by making their own ‘significant’ announcement (pregnancy and engagement are favourite options), behaving badly, getting drunk, starting a contentious argument, having a fight, making an ill-advised pass. It’s all grist to the mill. In the words of Oscar Wilde: “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”

How to Spot an Upstager

•Relentless Self-Promotion

The essential message of the upstager is “look at me!” and they convey this in a range of ways. They may dress flamboyantly or provocatively or speak loudly and assertively. Their focus of interest is themselves, so they talk compulsively about themselves, their own lives and interests, their own dramas, without ever pausing to draw breath, ask other people questions, listen attentively to their responses, or react to what they’re saying. The give and take of conversation is completely lost on them.

•Showing Off

Often their way of putting themselves centre-stage is to be boastful or over-competitive. They feel that by reminding other people that they are successful/wealthy/attractive/happy they will remain the focus of attention and admiration. These tendencies can be greatly exaggerated by drink and accompanying feelings of disinhibition. Many an upstager starts off the evening in a mood of sober discretion; their behaviour deteriorates and becomes more blatant as the evening (and the alcohol) wears on.

•Showcasing Knowledge

Bringing conversation around to areas of expertise or arcane knowledge and rendering the assembled company speechless with displays of know-how is another effective way of monopolising attention. Sometimes the expertise is only purported and the upstager is blatantly improvising and fabricating, but most people are too polite to call them out.

•Dominating and Interrupting

Upstagers love to take control of conversations, and their chief weapons are interrupting and monologuing. Both these techniques disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of conversation and ensure that they gain a disproportionate amount of airtime. By shutting down other participants, they can ensure that nobody else has room to sparkle conversationally.

•Name-Dropping, Embellishing, Exaggerating

Elaborating and embroidering are closely related to boasting; upstagers are always able to grab the attention of the assembled company if they are prepared to throw discretion to the winds and use all their creative powers to transfix the audience. While their tall tales may well be compelling, the suspicion that they are not true can undermine their impact.

•Fishing for Compliments

Compliments are meat and drink to the upstager as they are clear confirmation that they are being noticed, and they can bathe in the positive approbation. Of course, compliments are not always forthcoming, so they might be driven to fishing for them, which they may do in a number of ways: they can elicit compliments by abject self-deprecation, which demands immediate rebuttal (“I know I’m looking an absolute fright…”); they can seek reassurance through compliments (“I wasn’t sure if this outfit really fits the dress code – do you think it looks alright?”); they can over-compliment their companions in the hope that a reciprocal compliment will be forthcoming (risky – they might just be met with a smug smile).

•Stirring up Dissent

Some upstagers use disruption as their secret weapon. They march into a social situation, pick an argument, or set well-known antagonists against each other, then take on various roles: referee, peacemaker, provocateur. Whatever option they choose, they are guaranteeing that they are centre stage, at the heart of the disturbance, which is where they long to be.

•Canvassing Sympathy

The most dismal way of grabbing the limelight is to play on people’s empathy and kindness. Announcing bad news (a financial crisis, an imminent divorce, illness, bereavement) on a social occasion – especially one where other people are expected to be centre-stage – is deeply manipulative. Fellow-guests feel steamrollered into reacting to the bad news and expressing their sympathy, but this is not an appropriate occasion for commiseration. It is always more appropriate to be discreet about personal crises and seek sympathy in private; if something terrible has happened that has completely overwhelmed you, then it is probably sensible to opt out of socialising altogether or confide in a close friend.

How to Deal with Upstagers

•Set boundaries

Upstagers can be very overwhelming and powerful, so it can be hard to counteract their antics. However, it is in your own interests to set boundaries and curtail their worst excesses. A lot of upstagers are not fully aware that they are hogging the limelight, they simply think they’re being lively and entertaining. So, it may be a good idea discreetly to point out the transgression. This might mean tactfullly explaining that their behaviour is dominating the evening or the occasion (“why not give Emily a chance to shine? It’s her birthday after all!”)…

•Respond positively

In the moments (however rare) when they’re not hell-bent on upstaging try and indicate that the dialled-down version of their persona is much more socially acceptable and likeable (“I really enjoyed our conversation with James ­– your questions about his trip to Africa really got him going!”).

•Use humour

This can deflect their worst excesses; affectionate teasing, rather than stony disapproval, is often a very effective way of curtailing upstaging behaviour. Teasing acknowledges the offence but does not dwell on it. It offers the offender a chance to climb down and apologise (“Oh sorry, I’m afraid I’m talking too much – Charlotte certainly thinks so!”), and the worst excesses of upstaging are effectively eradicated by humour and badinage.