In the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, many newly engaged couples will be contemplating wedding plans over the months ahead. But first of all, there’s the question of the engagement party. By no means compulsory or inevitable, some couples will prefer to put all their saving power and organisational ability into the main event. But for many of us an engagement is a great excuse for a party. It also serves a very useful function, as it is an excellent way of bringing the two families and their respective friendship groups together. Friendships that are forged at the time of the engagement will make the wedding day less socially burdensome for the host couple, and potential members of the wedding party (best man, bridesmaids, ushers, parents) will all have the chance to get to know each other before the start of the planning frenzy.

Think About...

•Timing

An engagement party is generally held within a month or two of becoming engaged to ensure that it feels relevant to the announcement, but should not be too close to the wedding: presents should not be expected.

Always check before setting a date that key guests – such as the immediate family, the best man and bridesmaids – will be able to attend.

•Tradition

It was the tradition for the bride’s parents to host a gathering of family and friends – for example a small dinner party or larger drinks party – and this is still a popular convention. If both sets of parents are well known to each other, then they may decide to host a joint celebration.

The couple may also decide to host an additional party for their friends, which can range from drinks in a hired venue to an informal gathering at the local pub.

A more contemporary arrangement is for the couple to host a single party or gathering, and to ensure that they invite their friends as well as their respective families.

•Invitations

People who are invited to the engagement party will assume that they will also be invited to the wedding, so the easiest way to avoid any mix-ups is to ensure that all your guests can expect a wedding invitation as well. On the other hand, it is quite possible that some potential wedding guests may not be invited to the engagement party – most likely because they live far away or because they are in the ‘second tier’ of wedding guests (eg relations to whom the couple feel a sense of obligation).

Some couples who are opting for a smaller, more intimate wedding might choose to invite a larger number of people to the (less expensive) engagement party. If this is the case, make this into a positive decision that you communicate clearly to them – you could send a note with the invitation saying something like “the wedding is going to be a very small affair, so we’re delighted to have the opportunity to celebrate our engagement with all our friends and family”.

When you send out the invitations, make sure that it is clear that the party is being held to mark your engagement – guests will feel wrongfooted if this news is kept under wraps.

•Presents

It is not customary to expect engagement presents, and nobody should feel obligated to give them. However, parents of the couple may choose to give a present, or perhaps a family heirloom. More practically, they may offer to make a financial contribution to the wedding, or the engagement party. Any presents or offers of money should be gratefully acknowledged, by letter, after the event.

•Venue

Given that the engagement party is the prelude to a possibly very expensive main event, it is not necessary to push the boat out or stretch your budget to the limit. If space permits, an engagement party may take place in the couple’s home (assuming they are already living together) or one set of parents’ home. Alternatively, you could reserve a private room at a restaurant or bar.

•Catering

Champagne or cocktails and canapés are a reliable combination for this type of party (downgrading to prosecco is a perfectly acceptable cost-cutting measure). Hired venues will usually offer a menu of canapés and will have staff available to serve food and drink. Altermatively, you might opt to put money behind the bar and allow guests to order their own drinks.

If you are hosting from home, external caterers can be hired to provide canapés or a buffet, drink, crockery, and glassware. Alternatively, you may feel able to cater for yourselves. It’s worth asking your chosen bridesmaids and ushers to help serve drinks and pass round food, as it is a good way for them to get to know the other guests.

•Theme

Very organised couples might choose to align the look and feel of their engagement party with their vision for their future wedding. For example, if they are dreaming of a country-style wedding, with rustic table settings and a country garden feel, they might choose an engagement venue, such as a picturesque country pub, that reflects this aspiration. Or if they're leaning towards urban chic, choosing a smart city venue would reinforce that ascetic.

But there is no obligation to go for a homogenous approach, and you might not have chosen your wedding theme yet, and feel nervous of boxing yourself in. Indeed, you may choose to embrace contrast – for example an engagement party in a packed city bar, and and a midsummer wedding in an idyllic country retreat. It’s your choice.

•Speeches

In a conventional scenario, where the bride’s parents are hosting, it is customary for the father of the bride-to-be to give a short speech and toast the couple. Either the bride or the groom (or both) may also say a few words, thanking guests for coming and paying a tribute to their spouse-to-be. But even in a less conventional situation, it is always a good idea to designate one of the guests (parent, best man, chief bridesmaid etc), as the ‘toastmaster’ for the evening. All they need to do is to offer some words of congratulation, and ask their fellow guests to raise their glasses and toast the happy couple. Speeches should not take up too much of the evening – the wedding is a much more appropriate setting for anecdotes and reminiscences.

•Capture the Memory

This is going to be a special memory, and it is very much a part of the whole wedding celebration, so make sure that there are photographs to document the occasion. You do not need to hire a dedicated photographer; you can simply ask a handful of reliable guests to take a few pictures during the course of the evening. You might also be able to enlist the help of the future best man (or someone else who is a good organiser) to gather together the guests for some group shots.

These days most of the guests will inevitably be brandishing their phones and taking endless photos – if you’re really organised and keen to harvest the photos they’ve taken, you could ask guests to upload their pictures to a special wedding website, or use any number of dedicated wedding apps that make uploads easy. Or you could create a Google drive or Dropbox link, or use an Instagram hashtag, and send details to the guests with their invitations. Just make sure that your celebration (and your inbox) isn’t overwhelmed with amateur photographers!

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