We have been pondering this question and wondering how it is still relevant in the 21st century.

We have concluded that many of the traits that were traditionally associated with ‘the perfect gentleman’ are in fact simply the good manners that we all aspire to in the modern day. Traditional notions of chivalry might now seem antiquated, but the principles of considerate behaviour towards others, whatever their age or gender, are still upheld and respected. The integrity and honesty that were seen as the characteristics of a gentleman (his word was his bond, hence the notion of the ‘gentleman’s agreement’), remain highly valued attributes, though by no means confined to one gender.

We have been looking at Principles of Politeness and of Knowing the World by Lord Chesterfield, an extremely popular 18th-century etiquette guide. In 1794, the Rev John Trusler added various insights, directed at young men ‘for the Improvement of Youth’, and many of his recommendations for the 18th-century gentleman now underpin contemporary notions of good manners:

“Modesty is a polite accomplishment, and generally an attendant upon merit: It is engaging to the highest degree, and wins the heart of all our acquaintance. On the contrary, none are more disgusting in company than the impudent and presuming.

The man who is, on all occasions, commending and speaking well of himself, we naturally dislike. On the other hand, he who studies to conceal his own defects, who does justice to the merit of others, who talks but little of himself, and that with modesty, makes a favourable impression on the persons he is conversing with, captivates their minds, and gains their esteem.”

This view of the perfectly modest gentleman has survived for many generations: it is evident in a very British recoil from ‘blowing one’s own trumpet’ – the tendency to dwell on one’s own status, talents and achievements, often while showing very little interest in anyone else. Subtlety, self-deprecation, tact, consideration – these are all traits that are admired and considered likeable.

Negligence of one’s person not only implies an unsufferable indolence, but an indifference whether we please or not.

Dress, as trifling as it may appear to a man of understanding, prepossesses on the first appearance, which is frequently decisive. And indeed we may form some opinion of a man’s sense and character from his dress.

Being well-groomed and well-presented is still seen as a commendable desire to show respect for the people around you. Your appearance is eloquent testament to the fact that you have made an effort, that you are not lazy or indifferent, and will be noted and approved.

Knowledge of the world, by our own experience and observation, is so necessary, that, without it, we shall frequently give offence, when we do not mean it. All the learning and parts in the world will not rescue us from it. Without an acquaintance with life, a man may say very good things, but time them so ill, and address them so improperly, that he had much better be silent. Full of himself and his own business, and inattentive to the circumstances and situations of those he converses with, he vents it without the least discretion, says things that he ought not to say, confuses some, shocks others, and puts the whole company in pain, lest what he utters next should prove worse than the last.

The quality of worldliness is associated with life experience and sophisticated understanding. Trusler points out that any amount of learning or expertise is redundant if it is not coupled with the quality of attention, the ability to observe other people and use tact and discretion in our dealings with them. Savoir-faire, the ability to speak and act appropriately in social situations, is still seen as the hallmark of the gentleman.

Worldly finesse isn’t about following arcane or courtly rules of behaviour, but simply about being observant of the people around you and showing consideration. In general, this means putting other people first, prioritising their comfort and ensuring that they do not feel ignored or overlooked. It is about avoiding awkwardness, making conversation, ensuring that social interactions are smooth and seamless.

Bearing all the above in mind, we propose the following qualities to define the modern gentleman:

•He has an air of sociability and hospitality.

Being at ease socially is an attractive trait – recluses and curmudgeons might be intriguing, but they are rarely congenial company. Hospitality is rooted in generosity, and anyone who is able to play the attentive host, whatever the circumstances, is demonstrating this important trait.

•He is in control of life, and never stressed.

We all feel stressed at times, but the ability to conceal this feeling and to ensure that it is not infecting the people around you, is always impressive. Trailing chaos, disorganisation, unpunctuality and confusion in your wake will discomfort the people around you and erode their faith in your competence.

•He is naturally charming to everyone he meets.

Being even-tempered, warm, positive, engaged and open-minded are all characteristics of charm. This is a quality that might seem elusive, and hard to acquire, but is simply term for someone who is always friendly, and without discrimination – ‘turning on’ charm when there is something to be gained, whilst turning it off when relationships are merely transactional, is the very definition of ‘ungentlemanly’ behaviour.

•He rarely loses his temper, and never in public.

Intemperate individuals who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation or throw their toys out of the pram when they encounter adversity, are deeply stressful to be around. If they indulge in temper tantrums in public the people around them feel intense embarrassment, and the loss of self-control is troubling. On the other hand, the ability to handle any situation – however trying – with unruffled calm is deeply reassuring.

•He is modest, yet confident, and cultivates an air of ease.

Just as the Rev Trusler pointed out, modesty is an attractive trait, allowing the people around you the space to make their own judgements about you without having to endure being beaten over the head with strident reminders of your superiority. By not exerting yourself to prove to everyone how impressive you are, you will be projecting an ‘air of ease’, a deeply relaxed, and quietly confident, demeanour, which will ensure that other people find you trustworthy and dependable – a true modern gentleman.

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