While incivility is always unpleasant and insidious, it is particularly undermining in the workplace, where it can infiltrate and poison the working culture and leave employees feeling helpless and demoralised.
There are many factors that underpin the rise of incivility. Sometimes it is simply a matter of individuals who are robust and self-confident, who believe that ‘straight talking’ is a sign of strength, who sow the seeds of incivility in the workplace. Their challenging behaviour, which is designed to disrupt and challenge their colleagues and subordinates (ostensibly to drive them to greater achievements and productivity), can all too often create a culture, where people are cowed and fearful, uncertain about how best to respond, and ultimately compliant. This sort of situation can cause a great deal of discontent and demotivation in a working environment, where employees feel crushed and undermined.
If the person who behaves in a challenging way is a boss, manager or team leader, then their behaviour will pervade the entire working culture. Ultimately, civility will be seen as a sign of weakness, and only ‘thick skinned’ employees, who do not take rudeness to heart, will be able to survive or thrive.
But incivility is not always about overt confrontations, raised voices, arguments, haranguing or bullying behaviour. It can manifest in more subtle ways:
•Covert rudeness
Passive-aggressive behaviour in the workplace comes in many forms. It can range from eye-rolling or exchanging dirty looks when an individual is talking, to spreading nasty rumours and gossip, to the age-old techniques of social exclusion – falling silent when the target comes into the communal kitchen or audibly making social arrangements (lunch, after-work drinks) that exclude the target. Most damagingly of all, these micro aggressions can disrupt professional behaviour – for example perpetrators can take credit for someone else’s work, or subtly undermine their reputation when talking to a manager.
•Checking out
Not giving colleagues the benefit of your full attention (for example by checking your phone or emails when they are talking in meetings, or starting whispered conversations with other colleagues when they are talking) is a subtle way of undermining them professionally. It indicates that you do not respect them or their opinions.
•Sabotage
This can cover everything from ignoring certain individuals (eg not responding to their emails or requests) to withholding information in order to undermine their professional competence.
Good workplace cultures are finely balanced and easily disrupted. If the prevailing atmosphere is congenial and collegiate, a culture where employees are supportive and gracious will flourish. But this ideal scenario can all too easily be disrupted.
Strict deadlines, overwork, overtime, budgetary pressures and so on are all factors that can disrupt the harmony of the workplace. Some people thrive on pressure and find the adrenaline that it engenders stimulating and productive. But many people do not, and can become tetchy, strident or resentful when they feel pressurised. These feelings can easily manifest as rudeness, and when affronted colleagues retaliate, the whole edifice of politeness can begin to crumble.
A harmonious workplace can be severely impacted by the behaviour of certain individuals, who refuse to comply with the prevailing norms and enjoy stirring up the perceived complacency and passivity of their colleagues. While in the short term they might have a galvanising effect, in the long term, their behaviour might be damaging. It will be particularly so if these individuals are managers or team leaders.
There is no doubt that incivility in the workplace causes stress and unhappiness and impedes the performance of employees. They may feel uncomfortable because of the prevailing culture or feel targeted and persecuted by certain individuals. Colleagues who witness persistent incivility, even if they are not targeted, may feel unhappy and pressurised – they might not be sure how to react, fearful of going against the prevailing culture, or filled with self-reproach because they are not intervening effectively.
There are a number of ways in which these problems can be addressed:
•Be a model of good behaviour
Even if you are not a manager or team leader, you can still make an important contribution to office culture by modelling good behaviour. That means observing day to day civilities (greeting colleagues politely, saying please and thank you, apologising for being late or changing arrangements), showing an interest in your colleagues (making polite enquiries about weekend plans, holidays, children etc), and being as helpful as possible (making a cup of tea if your colleague is feeling stressed, offering to help if they’re overburdened with work).
•Call it out
Don’t make excuses for bad behaviour and remember, if you don’t confront it, you’re effectively condoning it. If possible, address it directly with the perpetrator, in private. Rather than being confrontational, you can use the “you probably don’t realise how upsetting it is when you….” technique. If this approach really isn’t at all possible, you should talk in confidence with your line manager.
•Define Incivility
Sometimes a workplace culture gradually slides, incrementally, into incivility and – especially if you are a manager or team-leader – you will need to stop the rot before this happens, especially if you are receiving complaints about bad behaviour. By involving everyone in the process of discussing and defining incivility and codifying examples of unacceptable behaviour or workplace rudeness, you will be making positive steps towards achieving a polite and supportive working environment.
See Debrett's Guide to Business Etiquette
Diplomacy refers to the rules and protocols that govern the behaviour of diplomats, who represent their countries on the international stage. More broadly, it is seen as the art and etiquette of interacting with other people in a sensitive and tactful way. At a time when diplomatic finesse sometimes appears to be lacking in high-profile negotiations between sovereign states, we look at the ways in which diplomatic skills and techniques can be used in everyday life and can help you negotiate and achieve your goals, without causing a diplomatic incident.
•Set the Scene
Most negotiations benefit from a good choice of location: peace and privacy will ensure that you are able to focus on the task in hand, without the distractions of noise and onlookers. If a conversation looks likely to be difficult, most people will prefer not to be scrutinised and observed by non-participants. It is far better to withdraw somewhere private for talks and then report back to interested parties. Generally, the desire to demonstrate some progress has been made is a useful motivating factor in reaching an acceptable compromise.
•Listen intently
True diplomats will tend to listen more than they speak, and they will focus very intently on what they are hearing. That means not interrupting or talking over the other person. Using phrases like “I see”, “I understand” or “Yes, that makes sense” will make the other person feel that they are being heard, and re-stating what has been said is a clear way of demonstrating that you have been attentive to all their points. Retain eye contact throughout, and nod affirmatively from time to time.
•Be respectful
It is essential to always be civil and courteous. The emphasis is on proper greeting and introductions, deferring to your host, showing gratitude, sending notes of thanks and so on. Diplomatic courtesies are simply a demonstration of good, attentive manners and, whether you are on the international stage or negotiating a domestic dispute, you will find that politeness helps to soften the impact of disagreement and makes the person you are negotiating with more disposed to interact with you.
•Use small talk
If you are settling down for an arranged negotiation on any subject, try to relax before anything of substance is broached. By chatting about everyday issues and observations (weather, surroundings, journey time etc) you will be finding common ground and consolidating a friendly relationship before you get down to business.
•Think about your body language
Don’t sit hunched in a chair and try not to fold your arms – both postures look closed and defensive. Don’t lean in aggressively to harangue the other person. On the other hand, sprawling in a super-relaxed posture in your chair is also disconcerting, as it looks as if you’re not taking the proceedings seriously. It is best to sit upright and keep your hands in your lap; remember over-emphatic hand gestures and a raised voice all convey aggression. Try mirroring – most people relax if you copy their body language (eg cross your legs to mimic their position).
•Maintain eye contact
While a fixed stare can be challenging, steady eye contact conveys straightforwardness and honesty. Intermittent eye contact, or a tendency to look everywhere rather than into the face of your sparring partner, looks shifty and dishonest.
•Use the ameliorating power of praise
When you’re saying difficult things, it always helps if you can encase them in compliments and approbation. An unvarnished attack is purely aggressive; if it is sandwiched between kind remarks about the other person (their achievements, their reputation, their undoubted abilities), the impact will be softened, and the criticism will be more palatable.
•Soften disagreement
Use self-deprecation and humility to mask opposition. So, prefacing a remark with phrases like “I may be wrong, but…”, “I might have misunderstood your point of view, but…” creates a space where the other person can back down, or make a concession, without losing face.
•Seek out agreement
You might be dealing with substantive differences of opinion, but you will be able to change the narrative if you can find areas (however small) where you concur with each other. Use phrases like “I think we’re all agreed that…” to signal that these are positive efforts to find consensus and common ground.
•Keep calm
It is essential that you stay even-tempered and relaxed, and do not show signs of stress or anger. Practise deep breathing if you feel tensions begin to rise. You can always take control and interrupt proceedings by suggesting a refreshment break, which might take the momentum out of your anger, and give you a chance to regroup. Demonstrating negative emotions, or losing control of your own emotions, are both major diplomatic no nos.
•Keep it civil
Under pressure, it is easy to counteract with sarcasm or a jeering tone, but you must resist this temptation and seek to remain relentlessly civil and courteous. Under no circumstances should you say anything that will humiliate the other person.
•Don’t make assumptions
Claiming that you already know the other person’s point of view, or that you can anticipate how they will react to your proposal, is a way of disrespecting and diminishing them. It also sets up clear impediments to communication. Avoid this conversational cul-de-sac by remaining open-minded and receptive.
•Don’t be frightened of pauses
If you are asked a leading or challenging question, you do not have to come back with an immediate retort. Pause for careful thought. If necessary, raise your hand to indicate you need more time, or say something like “I need to think about that”. This will ensure that you will have time to run through the potential impact of what you are about to say and envision how your remarks will make the other person feel.
•Pace the conversation
Slowing down the pace of the conversation creates space for empathy – it gives you time to imagine how the other person might be feeling, or what effect our words are having on them. Don’t let your opposite number set a fast pace; rapid-fire exchanges can quickly become intemperate and ill-advised.
•Remember the winner does not take it all
Humiliating the person with whom you are negotiating, wrong-footing them, exposing their weakness, making them feel small and insignificant, highlighting their mistakes, gloating over their failures… these are all tactics that it is tempting to deploy if you find yourself in a situation of conflict and disagreement and you are intent on asserting your own point of view. But this is where diplomacy dies. No lasting or robust agreement will ever emerge from this kind of mortification. A true diplomat will never leave their opposite number feeling crushed and humiliated; they will strive to find a positive agreement and to convince everyone concerned that a healthy and constructive compromise has been reached.
The cinema awards season has culminated in the Oscars, and we’re all talking about films. Many of us will be planning to visit the cinema to see some of the prize-winning movies, film critics are offering their own opinions all over the media, and groups of friends are discussing the merits (or not) of the most acclaimed movies.
Cinema is a great shared experience: movie-lovers enjoy the communal aspect, the expectant hush, the shared laughter, the super-charged atmosphere. Many of us are now able to stream a vast selection of movies at home, and we have screens and sound systems that are more than capable of giving us a high-quality experience, but it is not the same. At home, we can multitask as we watch, talk back at the screen, pause the movie so we can replenish our glasses. This is all perfectly enjoyable, but it is very different from sharing the experience, however anonymously, with a large number of other people.
It is extremely important to differentiate between home and cinema, and to moderate your behaviour accordingly. Basic cinema etiquette seems obvious, but we have all experienced anti-social behaviour in cinemas and come away feeling frustrated by our fellow audience-members. So, observe the following cinema etiquette:
• Arrive on time
It is fine to come into the cinema during the trailers and adverts, where there is a general acceptance that people are still talking and settling in, but it is annoying if you start squeezing down the rows and blocking the screen after the film has started.
• Don’t be a space-invader
Your ticket entitles you to a seat and, generally, an armrest (there’s no rule about which armrest is rightfully yours, so you might need to politely negotiate with your neighbour). It does not entitle you to dump all your belongings on the adjacent vacant seat or to drape your coat over the back of the seat in front of you, which means the person sitting there cannot lean back. Don’t sprawl and impinge on other people’s space and never kick or interfere with the seat in front.
• Take off your hat
Remove all headgear – especially if you’re tall. Needlessly blocking the screen will really antagonise the person behind you.
•Plan your exit
If you fear that you will need to go to the loo during the film, try and secure an aisle seat so that you minimise disruption.
• Turn off your phone
While chatting on the phone, or using audible ringtones, is now considered an obvious offence (with cinemas screening reminders before the film begins), remember that silently scrolling on your phone during the movie is distracting because it will emit a bright light. Taking photos or short videos during movies is also frowned upon. If you don’t want to switch off completely, turn your phone to silent and put it away.
• Eat considerately
Most cinemas ply us with a range of refreshments and rely on these purchases to boost flagging income. Whether you’re rattling your way through a giant bucket of popcorn, noisily sucking up the last dregs of a fizzy drink through a straw, or audibly rustling sweet wrappers, be aware that you might be disturbing near neighbours. Try and reserve your noisiest consumption for passages of the film where the soundtrack will obliterate your munching.
• Minimise talking
Generally, whispering the odd comment or question to your companion is tolerable, but a running – and audible – commentary is not. Remind yourself that you are not slumped on the sofa at home, where there are endless distractions and films can be paused and interrupted. People sitting around you have paid for the big screen, wrap-around audio experience and they will be irritated if your chatting is interfering with their enjoyment. A very British reaction is to turn around and glare at the offender. If you see someone deploying this technique, accept that you’ve transgressed and concentrate on the movie; do not react by upping the volume and volubility.
• Take your rubbish
Of course, cinemas employ staff to clear up at the end of each showing, but it is only polite to assist them by taking out empty cups, wrappers and popcorn buckets. Turn-arounds between showings are often very tight, so every little helps.
We’ve all been to movies that we have really hated. If you’re on your own, or with someone who clearly feels the same (a discreet whispered consultation might be necessary), you might decide to cut your losses and leave the cinema. Do so with the minimum of fuss – no huffing and puffing or audible statements of disappointment.
But what if the rest of your party, or your partner or companion, really loved the film? There is often an awkward moment as you exit the cinema when the big question “What did you think?” is popped. While there’s no reason to hide your criticisms behind bland platitudes, this is a situation where you might need to tread carefully and diplomatically. Make a few tentative, probing comments first: “I’m not sure…”, “It wasn’t quite my cup of tea”. “Well – romcoms aren’t really my thing”. These comments are innocuous but telling. If your companions violently disagree, they can make an informed decision about whether they want to get into a full-blown argument with you, or they can choose to draw a veil over the whole proceeding and say something that shuts down the conversation like “Well, I really liked it, but we’ll have to agree to differ” and you can move, harmoniously, on.
If you’re a standout critic of the film you’ve just seen, and are surrounded by satisfied enthusiasts, don’t spend the rest of the evening haranguing your friends about the awfulness of the film, minutely outlining your criticisms, heedless of the prevailing mood around the table. It will just ruin your evening and will get you nowhere (you’re unlikely to change their minds).
If they’re prepared to indulge in an animated discussion about the film, it’s another matter. Stick to your ground and enjoy the conflict – you have been invited to defend your position and other people are clearly interested in hearing your point of view.
Finally, if you are the organiser of a trip to the cinema and you are faced with the obvious grumpiness and dissatisfaction of some of your party after you exit the cinema, do not let them make you feel guilty. You can acknowledge their criticism (“I’m sorry you didn’t like it, but I certainly did!”) and leave it at that. If they’re making you feel bad, consider that the fault is with them and they’re being rude – we’re all adults, and must take responsibility for our own decisions when it comes to choosing our entertainment. If it all goes wrong, sulking is not the best way of redeeming the experience.
The British make over 3.6 billion bus journeys a year, so it is safe to assume that bus travel is a familiar experience for most of us. Obviously, there will be local differences – an infrequent country bus service where local residents meet and chat is very different from a busy London bus – but the basic rules of behaviour are the same.
Queuing is often seen as an integral aspect of British culture, but it is a comparatively recent innovation. In 1937 the London Passenger Transport Board passed byelaws enforcing queues for trams and buses when there were more than six people were waiting. This byelaw was enforced; in May 1939 a man was fined ten shillings for jumping a bus queue of seventy people. Wartime privations meant queues became an essential part of British culture, and postwar rationing led to another decade of enforced queuing. By then, the urge to queue appeared to have become an indispensable part of the British psyche.
However, the orderly bus queue has not survived into the 21st century. Nowadays, people tend to throng around a bus stop, rather than form a line leading from it. But even if you are not joining a regimented queue, you should still be aware of your own status and the priority of other people. It is good manners to stand back and allow people who were at the bus stop before you to board, rather than barging in front of people who have been waiting longer. You should always give priority to older people, parents with pushchairs, wheelchair-users and so on.
There are a myriad different payment systems on different bus routes, ranging from cash, to dedicated travelcards or debit cards. If possible, check out how to pay first, but even if you’re uncertain make sure that you have your cash and cards ready and accessible. Nobody is more unpopular on a busy bus than the person who rummages around in a huge bag desperately seeking their purse or wallet, or the phone-user who spends ages swiping their phone screen trying to find their digital wallets or travelcards.
Buses are frequently overcrowded and carry large numbers of standing passengers, so it is essential that you move down the bus, away from the driver. Try and spread out and don’t bunch up near the exit doors, or at the bottom of the stairs on double-deckers.
If you’re lucky enough to get a seat, remember that you are only entitled to one seat per person and it is extremely rude on overcrowded buses to use an adjoining seat as a storage space for your extra bags and luggage –nobody should ever have to ask you to move your bag. Keep your bags on your lap or put them down on the floor between your feet.
Do not take up a priority seat (always clearly labelled) and offer a seat to those who may need one (eg older people, people carrying crutches or walking sticks, or with young children). If you are worried about offending someone (eg if you are unsure whether they are pregnant) just get up discreetly and the other person may sit if they wish.
Children should be seated – either on their own seat – or, if they are small and the bus is crowded, on your lap. They should never be allowed to wander around the bus.
Dogs are frequent bus passengers; keep an eye on them and ensure that they don’t stray into the aisle, where they can cause a dangerous obstruction.
Seats are for sitting on – never put your feet up on the seat opposite.
Buses are generally the most convivial form of public transport, and you might find yourself falling into conversation with your neighbour. People behave in a much less self-contained way than they do on, for example, commuter trains and it is less likely to see bus passengers working on laptops or lost in reading a book. You may find buses are quite noisy, with lots of conversations going on around you.
For this reason, it is not considered particularly rude to speak on your mobile phone, although you might find that a bus is not a good place for a discreet or private conversation – you are in close proximity to lots of potential eavesdroppers.
However, if you want to look at videos on your phone, listen to music or podcasts, or hold a FaceTime conversation, ensure that you are using headphones or earbuds. There are limits to your fellow bus passengers’ noise tolerance.
We’ve probably all had the experience of being forced to remove discarded litter (especially takeaway food packaging) from a vacant seat or being uncomfortably aware of empty cans and bottles rolling around at our feet. Leaving your own debris on the bus is depressing for other passengers and it is essential that you take your litter away with you or use bins provided.
It can be hard to moderate the temperature on buses and most of the time opening the windows is the best option. But your refreshing breeze might be another passenger’s howling draft, so don’t open or close windows without checking politely with other passengers first.
The bell to alert the driver that you want to get off at the next stop only needs to be rung once. Repeatedly dinging the bell is just irritating.
Get off promptly; if you're on the lower deck, and it’s safe to do so, move to the doors before the bus actually stops. If you’re on the upper deck, move promptly to the stairs and descend as quickly as possible (you may safely be able to do this before the stop if the bus is stationary in traffic).
In some towns and villages it is a pleasing custom to thank the bus-driver as you disembark. This would, of course, be considered bizarre behaviour on a crowded London bus, but observe the local customs and adhere to them.
In a world where we’re constantly being advised to question our own motives and urged to focus on self-improvement, making excuses gets a bad press. Excuses are seen as cop-out, primarily used as a thin disguise for avoidance – whether it’s a tough work assignment, a social engagement or a health and exercise regime.
But this overlooks the fact that excuses are often made out of politeness, out of a desire to conceal a possibly hurtful truth, and as such they should not be dismissed out of hand. We’ve looked at different types of excuses and discuss the role they play:
If you are attempting to dodge something or someone, making excuses can often seem the polite way out. You don’t want to tell someone you simply don’t want to meet them, or help them out, or come to their charity evening – because to do so, bluntly and honestly, would be rude – so you make an excuse.
Before you go down the path of making a polite excuse, examine your motives carefully. Are you trying to wriggle out of a social arrangement because you can’t be bothered or you’re feeling lazy? If you have already accepted an invitation, you really should set the threshold for refusing and sending your excuses very high. In other words, you should concede that, by accepting in the first place, you have set up certain expectations, and you really shouldn’t contemplate opting out lightly.
If, on the other hand, you are asked if you would be interested in doing something, or attending an event, and you know full well that it’s the last thing you would like to do, then it might be kinder to conceal your reluctance behind a polite excuse (“I’m so sorry, I’m completely booked out next week”), rather than an honest display of disinterest and negativity (“I’m afraid I really don’t like eating in a large group, and I’m not very keen on that restaurant”).
We all know that inventing elaborate excuses, such as a terrible stomach bug, or a prior engagement, is asking for trouble. This is particularly true in the privacy-free age of social media, as there’s every chance your lie will be exposed. Your excuse that you can’t come to the party because you’re exhausted and want to spend a quiet night at home could come back and bite you, when your friends post riotous pictures of you having a whale of a time at a rival social event. Equally, pretending that you can’t make it to an event because you have another social engagement won’t really wash if you post smug selfies from your sofa, where you’re indulging in an enjoyable session of self-indulgent pampering.
Worst of all are the bad karma excuses – this is when you fall back on illness, accidents, relationship problems, family crises, and all manner of other disasters, as an excuse for your non-availability. These excuses are tempting because they are generally accepted at face value, often with a large dose of sympathy and concern. But, even though you score high for credibility, there is a real risk of ongoing sympathy and follow-up questions (about your welfare, the family, the pet etc), which you will have to deflect without giving the game away. You might find yourself being inexorably led into a tangled web of white lies and deceit. It’s all so complicated…
The best option is to make excuses that are as near the truth as possible, without being blunt, tactless or hurtful. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy, especially if you’re shouldering the blame for your own withdrawal: “I’ve been rushing around all week and I’m afraid I'm just not in the mood for socialising” is honest and tactful; “I’ve been rushing around week and I just can’t face sitting in a noisy pub, listening to everyone moan about work for the entire evening” is also honest, but it packs a nasty punch, since it indicates far too clearly why you find the prospect of socialising unattractive.
All too often, especially in a work context where your performance is under close scrutiny, excuses are offered for under-performance or disorganisation. But excusing a poor performance on the grounds of ill-health, extenuating circumstances or somebody else’s error only makes you look weak. You are acknowledging that your work has not come up to the mark, but you are refusing to take full responsibility for it and relying instead on tired old escape clauses. If you regularly default to this sort of behaviour, bosses and colleagues will see you as someone who is unreliable and dishonest, and perhaps just a little bit wheedling.
In these circumstances, you need to think carefully about the difference between excuses and explanations. An explanation should clarify and provide context, whereas an excuse is all about muddying the water and deflecting blame.
For example, you might say: “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. I badly underestimated the amount of time it would take to track down the various resources I needed, but I’ve been working at it over the weekend, and I will have it for you first thing tomorrow.” This explanation acknowledges that you made an error; you take responsibility for it and outline how you are going to put things right. On the other hand, if you say “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. The resources were very hard to access, mainly because our online archiving system is in a bit of a state, and that really slowed me down” then you are offering an excuse. You are deflecting blame (to the archivist) and not taking responsibility for your actions or offering a solution.
Don’t hide behind excuses in the mistaken belief that you will avoid blame and negative consequences. Acknowledge instead that being accountable for your actions is ultimately much more constructive. Trotting out tired-old excuses (the equivalent of “the dog ate my homework”) is never going to impress anyone.
In the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, many newly engaged couples will be contemplating wedding plans over the months ahead. But first of all, there’s the question of the engagement party. By no means compulsory or inevitable, some couples will prefer to put all their saving power and organisational ability into the main event. But for many of us an engagement is a great excuse for a party. It also serves a very useful function, as it is an excellent way of bringing the two families and their respective friendship groups together. Friendships that are forged at the time of the engagement will make the wedding day less socially burdensome for the host couple, and potential members of the wedding party (best man, bridesmaids, ushers, parents) will all have the chance to get to know each other before the start of the planning frenzy.
•Timing
An engagement party is generally held within a month or two of becoming engaged to ensure that it feels relevant to the announcement, but should not be too close to the wedding: presents should not be expected.
Always check before setting a date that key guests – such as the immediate family, the best man and bridesmaids – will be able to attend.
•Tradition
It was the tradition for the bride’s parents to host a gathering of family and friends – for example a small dinner party or larger drinks party – and this is still a popular convention. If both sets of parents are well known to each other, then they may decide to host a joint celebration.
The couple may also decide to host an additional party for their friends, which can range from drinks in a hired venue to an informal gathering at the local pub.
A more contemporary arrangement is for the couple to host a single party or gathering, and to ensure that they invite their friends as well as their respective families.
•Invitations
People who are invited to the engagement party will assume that they will also be invited to the wedding, so the easiest way to avoid any mix-ups is to ensure that all your guests can expect a wedding invitation as well. On the other hand, it is quite possible that some potential wedding guests may not be invited to the engagement party – most likely because they live far away or because they are in the ‘second tier’ of wedding guests (eg relations to whom the couple feel a sense of obligation).
Some couples who are opting for a smaller, more intimate wedding might choose to invite a larger number of people to the (less expensive) engagement party. If this is the case, make this into a positive decision that you communicate clearly to them – you could send a note with the invitation saying something like “the wedding is going to be a very small affair, so we’re delighted to have the opportunity to celebrate our engagement with all our friends and family”.
When you send out the invitations, make sure that it is clear that the party is being held to mark your engagement – guests will feel wrongfooted if this news is kept under wraps.
•Presents
It is not customary to expect engagement presents, and nobody should feel obligated to give them. However, parents of the couple may choose to give a present, or perhaps a family heirloom. More practically, they may offer to make a financial contribution to the wedding, or the engagement party. Any presents or offers of money should be gratefully acknowledged, by letter, after the event.
•Venue
Given that the engagement party is the prelude to a possibly very expensive main event, it is not necessary to push the boat out or stretch your budget to the limit. If space permits, an engagement party may take place in the couple’s home (assuming they are already living together) or one set of parents’ home. Alternatively, you could reserve a private room at a restaurant or bar.
•Catering
Champagne or cocktails and canapés are a reliable combination for this type of party (downgrading to prosecco is a perfectly acceptable cost-cutting measure). Hired venues will usually offer a menu of canapés and will have staff available to serve food and drink. Altermatively, you might opt to put money behind the bar and allow guests to order their own drinks.
If you are hosting from home, external caterers can be hired to provide canapés or a buffet, drink, crockery, and glassware. Alternatively, you may feel able to cater for yourselves. It’s worth asking your chosen bridesmaids and ushers to help serve drinks and pass round food, as it is a good way for them to get to know the other guests.
•Theme
Very organised couples might choose to align the look and feel of their engagement party with their vision for their future wedding. For example, if they are dreaming of a country-style wedding, with rustic table settings and a country garden feel, they might choose an engagement venue, such as a picturesque country pub, that reflects this aspiration. Or if they're leaning towards urban chic, choosing a smart city venue would reinforce that ascetic.
But there is no obligation to go for a homogenous approach, and you might not have chosen your wedding theme yet, and feel nervous of boxing yourself in. Indeed, you may choose to embrace contrast – for example an engagement party in a packed city bar, and and a midsummer wedding in an idyllic country retreat. It’s your choice.
•Speeches
In a conventional scenario, where the bride’s parents are hosting, it is customary for the father of the bride-to-be to give a short speech and toast the couple. Either the bride or the groom (or both) may also say a few words, thanking guests for coming and paying a tribute to their spouse-to-be. But even in a less conventional situation, it is always a good idea to designate one of the guests (parent, best man, chief bridesmaid etc), as the ‘toastmaster’ for the evening. All they need to do is to offer some words of congratulation, and ask their fellow guests to raise their glasses and toast the happy couple. Speeches should not take up too much of the evening – the wedding is a much more appropriate setting for anecdotes and reminiscences.
•Capture the Memory
This is going to be a special memory, and it is very much a part of the whole wedding celebration, so make sure that there are photographs to document the occasion. You do not need to hire a dedicated photographer; you can simply ask a handful of reliable guests to take a few pictures during the course of the evening. You might also be able to enlist the help of the future best man (or someone else who is a good organiser) to gather together the guests for some group shots.
These days most of the guests will inevitably be brandishing their phones and taking endless photos – if you’re really organised and keen to harvest the photos they’ve taken, you could ask guests to upload their pictures to a special wedding website, or use any number of dedicated wedding apps that make uploads easy. Or you could create a Google drive or Dropbox link, or use an Instagram hashtag, and send details to the guests with their invitations. Just make sure that your celebration (and your inbox) isn’t overwhelmed with amateur photographers!
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Indiscreet group chat conversations, involving inappropriate language, racist and sexist slurs, are making the news once again. Why is the world of groups chats, especially when they are used professionally, turning so poisonous?
Many participants are under the illusion that their outpourings on WhatsApp will never be subject to public exposure. But these conversations may be disclosed as part of court or employment tribunal proceedings or in reply to a data subject request. In addition, everyone should be aware that all written, video and audio communications can be recorded and shared – for example an indiscreet or libellous exchange can be screen-grabbed and widely disseminated. And even if your most ill-advised remarks do not find a wider audience, they are still accessible, lurking around in group members’ chat histories, a horribly clear reminder of your lack of judgement.
Digital messaging involves the written word, and writing – unlike the spoken word – has real staying power. For this reason, it is fundamental common sense to be cautious about what you communicate in writing. Try and get into the habit of always pausing before you press ‘Send’. If you are conscious that what you have written is contentious, try reading it out loud. Then imagine your words being read out loud in front of a ‘neutral’ audience (eg a court of law). If the thought of that scenario makes you cringe with embarrassment, delete the message immediately and think again.
As well as the durability of the written word, there is also the question of tone. When you are chatting with a group of people, you can process a whole battery of silent signals – timbre of voice, facial expression, body language. Using these signals you can make lightning-fast interpretations of how the group is reacting to your remarks. If you stray into dangerous territory, or make an off-colour joke, you will be immediately aware that you have gone too far or made some members of the group uncomfortable. If that is the case, you can promptly retract your remark or apologise for your indiscretion.
In a group chat, you have recourse to none of these techniques. Your comments, observations, insults and indiscretions are lobbed out into cyberspace, and you will have to wait for them to land, or in some cases, detonate. This time lag makes it impossible to “read the [virtual] room”.
Of course, not all group chats have to be bland and banal. But before you make some witty or provocative observation, think about the dynamic of the group, and the people who are participating in the chat. Just take a few seconds to scroll back over earlier communications and remind yourself of the general tenor of the conversation. You will need to conform to the prevailing mood, rather than being a disruptor. If your group chat colleagues are happy gossiping about dinner plans and weekend activities, they’re not going to want you to come crashing in with a rant about the latest political scandal.
Only participate in group chats if you’re with like-minded people (or if the chat has a clearly delineated function – eg for parents at school, or extended family). If your contributions are making you stand out, or shocking other groups members, that’s when you run the risk of being called out or exposed.
The boundaries between our work and social lives are becoming increasingly porous, especially as many of us spend much of our week working from home. We may feel obliged to answer our phones, or respond to messages, at all hours of the day and night, and our social lives may well impinge on our professional persona.
The clearly delineated cut-off between work and home lives that characterised earlier generations is no longer considered so important. We often wear the same clothes to work as we do at home, we socialise with our colleagues, sometimes we confide in them. We no longer value the ‘professional’ demeanour, which was self-contained, polite and discreet.
But without that perceived distance between professional and personal it is increasingly hard for us to determine what is appropriate in a certain context. We might well be disinhibited and communicative with our work colleagues, and our group chats might reflect this. But if we take the easy camaraderie a step too far, it might get us into trouble, so it is important to try and make a clear judgement call about what is acceptable, and if in doubt, to err on the side of discretion.
If you enjoy banter and gossip, or just want to have a good moan about your bosses, you would be well advised to do this in real life, outside your work hours. Joining a group of colleagues for an after-work drink is a much safer way to let off steam than airing your views on a group chat. Even then, you should exercise your judgement; making disparaging remarks about clients or customers, even if they are not written down and recorded, is never a good idea in a professional context. It only takes one member of the group to break ranks and spill the beans.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re turning our minds to the world of romance and dating. While no date is going to succeed without the elusive spark of attraction, we would argue that good manners and courteous behaviour will go a long way towards creating a positive and relaxed atmosphere, giving couples who are on a first date every opportunity to get to know each other.
•It is deeply flattering to be asked out – remember that no one will ever hate you for it, even if they refuse, so don’t beat around the bush. Suggest a date by phone or face-to-face – don’t hide behind text or email.
•Punctuality is particularly important when romantic sensibilities are involved – lateness can easily be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or be condemned as disturbing character trait. If you are running late, call ahead and explain; resist the temptation to hide behind a text – it looks perfunctory.
•Drinks or lunch are a good option; you can test the water without having to spend an entire evening together. Avoid venues that are too noisy, pretentious or intimate. It’s wise to have a back-up plan in case things go wrong (another choice of venue if the place you were going is shut, somewhere indoors if it starts to rain on an outdoor date).
•Focus on the conversation, which means establishing a perfect mix of talking and listening. Clever conversationalists pick up threads as they go along. They create a multi-layered conversation and a sense of intimacy. Gentle humour, flattery and the occasional well-placed, and genuine, compliment all oil the wheels of conversation. Make an effort to ask questions (and listen to the answers) an don’t bluff, lie, name-drop or brag.
•Never answer calls or send text messages during the date. Undivided attention is essential.
•When it comes to the bill, the general rule is that the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure. So, as a simple point of etiquette, you should pick up the tab if you have invited the other person. However, life isn’t simple, and dating even less so. All too often, the arrival of the bill brings with it an unwelcome awkwardness.
Going Dutch is an option, and it’s probably a good idea to do so if you’ve met through a dating app and mutually agreed to try meeting each other in the flesh.
But for many people, bill-splitting can seem too clinical a transaction in the context of a romantic encounter – you could both insist on paying until one of you eventually concedes and promises to make up for it next time (if there is definitely going to be a next time).
•Always follow up. That means sending a polite text or calling after the date, and thanking your partner. This should be done promptly.
The clear-cut rules for cancelling a hotel reservation can be applied for dating cancellations. If you pull out more than a month beforehand, there is no penalty at all; between a month and two days’ beforehand, there are varying but small amounts of fallout; anything less than 48 hours and you start to incur hefty charges; and if you cancel on the same day or, rudest still, fail to show up altogether without good reason, then you have to pay the full price (you will probably never see your date again). Inevitably there are good reasons for cancelling – contagious illness, family crisis, hospitalisation – and if these are fully explained there should be no negative fallout. But bad reasons are legion: from working late, feeling stressed or getting a better offer to being overcome with laziness or indifference.
Many of the latter reasons are deeply offensive, so if you have any hopes of reconvening at a later date you will have to deploy diplomacy and white lies when it comes to cancelling. Be brave and call to cancel, rather than skulking behind a text or an email, which is the worst insult of all.
The latest figures show that more than 10 per cent of UK adults are currently on dating apps and it is therefore probable that a significant portion of Valentine’s Day dates will be between couples who have only met online, not in real life.
Online daters will have learnt the hard way that it is sensible to use a realistic, but flattering, photograph to illustrate their online profile. While it is tempting to create an alternative online persona, or to elaborate on reality and lie about your attributes, job, earning power or life experience, you will always be called out.
Don’t turn into a sleazy cyberstalker. A simple check-up on a potential match can soon turn into a deep dive into their online profile. Leave some mystique to the real-life date and don’t succumb to a social media fantasy.
When it comes to meeting online matches in person make sure you have a tactful escape strategy; be polite and don’t resort to improbable lies. If you’re meeting for the first time it is sensible to choose an early evening drink, rather than going the whole hog and opting for an intimate dinner for two (especially on Valentine’s Day) – it makes speedy exits so much easier.
If you’re already an established couple, then you might find that laying on a dinner à deux is the perfect setting for romance. You will be able to focus on your partner, enjoy the sensual pleasure of food and the stimulus of conversation.
A cosy dinner at home is an excellent way of escaping the hackneyed romance (helium balloons, red roses, mood music) purveyed by restaurants at this time of year. You can decorate the table with beautiful flowers and create a seductive ambience with well-dimmed lamps or candles.
Don’t create a complex meal; simply concentrate on a signature dish that you are confident you can create with a minimum of anxiety and focus instead on plenty of treats – nuts and figs, chocolates and fine wine.
Beware foods that are difficult to eat, whether you are eating in a restaurant or at home. Most people don’t look very seductive when they’re trying to manage a plate of slippery spaghetti or dissecting a bony fish.
Don’t serve or choose food that requires concentration; your focus should be on each other, not your plate. And put your phone away at the outset to ensure it doesn’t distract you.
If you are not an established couple, will your Valentine’s Day date be the beginning of a beautiful relationship? What about the aftermath of the date?
Ghosting, disappearing from somebody’s life by ceasing all contact and ignoring their attempts to contact you, is particularly common in fledgling romances, and has been boosted by the casual anonymity of dating apps.
If you don’t wish to see somebody again, simply tell them so, as kindly as possible – even if it means resorting to the old “It’s not you, it’s me” cliché. The initial sting of rejection is far preferable to that person having endure weeks of uncertainty over the relationship.
If, on the other hand, you’re anxious to get to know each other better, don’t waste time playing the waiting game and delaying responses so that you do not look needy or desperate – you’ll just look childish. Follow up your date with a warm message of thanks and concrete suggestions for further meetings (no woolly “we must meet again soon” cop-outs).
The latest report from the British Retail Consortium paints a depressing picture. It indicates that violent and abusive incidents increased by 50% last year, with an astonishing 2,000 incidents per day being reported nationwide.
Undoubtedly, much of this behaviour is tied up with the alarming rise in shoplifting – with 20 million incidents being reported in a single year. When shopworkers attempt to intervene or to confront the perpetrators, they frequently find that they are putting themselves at risk of attack and abuse.
How did our shops become a social battleground? It should be noted that this is the thin end of the wedge – many other customer-facing workers, from transport and bank staff to call-centre operators and health centre receptionists are also dealing with abuse, and we are all becoming used to the plethora of posters and announcements in publics places and on buses, tubes and trains, which plead with us to have patience, respect staff and behave with civility.
Commentators have identified a range of reasons for the behavioural decline:
•Rage at being thwarted
Obviously, if a member of the public is shoplifting – whether for their own benefit or working to order for a criminal gang – a shop-worker who intervenes represents a threat. They might raise the alarm or summon reinforcements, and they therefore present a major obstacle at a time of maximum stress and pressure. The perpetrators tend to lash out with verbal or physical abuse, and their feelings of rage and aggression are often greatly compounded by the sense that they themselves are transgressing.
•Severe pressure
There are many factors that contribute to feelings of being under intense pressure. Rising prices have inevitably made weekly grocery shops a painful and precarious business for many people. When something further goes wrong – an item is out of stock, or a staple has become even more expensive – it can tip people who are feeling fragile into full-blown range.
•Alarm at automation
All our services are steadily becoming more automated, from self-service checkouts at busy supermarkets to self-check-ins at doctors and dentists’ surgeries. Often, when we seek to engage with a human being, we are fobbed off, and told to go online, or visit the company’s website. The increasing depersonalisation of all our mundane encounters inevitably causes rage and frustration. We all know that technology has glitches, or is badly designed and impenetrable, and many of us will have had a deeply unsatisfactory encounter with an automated service. If this cannot be resolved by a real human being, it can cause deep frustration.
•Poor service
True, the customer is not always right, but neither is the service-provider. Sometimes, feelings of frustration are understandable. Shop assistants might be rude and unapproachable, more interested in their own conversations or preoccupations than interacting with a customer. They might have an unfortunate manner and be devoid of charm or grace. They might be lumbered with a very poor policy or service (eg a harsh returns policy) that they are having to present to customers, who are understandably provoked.
•Loss of social skills
It has become a truism that online life is eroding our social capacity. Many of us live atomised and lonely lives, working from home, interacting with our fellow human beings by digital means. While the myriad modes of communication available to us are undoubtedly super-convenient, it is certainly true that online interactions are not particularly like real life encounters. We do not have to deal with the battery of social signals and body language clues that inevitably accompany real life socialising, enabling us to judge moods and feelings. We become adept at broadcasting pithy, and sometimes abrupt or aggressive, announcements, rather than taking the time to listen intently to what is being said, to observe the other person and assess how they are feeling. Confronted with a difficult situation in real life, we are falling back on our online persona, which is self-assertive, brusque and judgmental (think about all those rude comments on social media…). If we exhibit the same lack of inhibition in real life as we do online, we may find ourselves in difficulty.
•Lack of empathy
It’s such a simple, and fundamental, ability, but it is sadly being eroded in our high-pressure, fast-paced world. It is simply a matter of pausing, whenever there is a difficult or challenging encounter, and taking the time to think about how the other person is feeling and assess how your behaviour is impacting on them. If you can see that your tirade is likely to be causing fear, embarrassment or stress, now is the time to back-pedal, and maybe even to acknowledge the problem: “I know that this must be very difficult for you, and I’m sorry if I appear to be angry, but it’s been so hard to resolve this issue…”
The more we unleash our frustrations on frontline workers the worse the situation will become. Displays of untrammelled rage and anger are never a sensible way of resolving a problem, not least because the person who is being attacked will inevitably become completely demoralised. Since one of the main reasons for poor service is short-staffing and absenteeism, lambasting the workers who have bothered to show up is counter-productive, and will probably compound the problem.
There are very few situations where apoplectic, disinhibited anger is more effective than courtesy and civility. It is only human to respond positively to someone who is polite, who respects you, and is seeking to resolve an issue through cooperation, communication and understanding. Rage and rudeness are much more likely to cause resentment, and a settled refusal to cooperate or to be flexible or accommodating.
Remind yourself that most people who work in customer care are keen to help and to provide a good service and have not set out to impede you or put obstacles in your way. Get into the habit of thinking about everyone you encounter and reminding yourself that they are human too (even if they’re being distracted, grumpy or abrupt, remember there is probably a good reason for their behaviour).
Try and humanise the encounter by smiling warmly, exchanging a few pleasantries, making small talk, clearly enunciating your “good morning”, “please” and “thank you” essentials. That way, if something does go wrong, you will already have established a social bond, and the goodwill and good manners you have generated will go a long way towards resolving the issue.
Table manners have evolved for even the humblest of ingredients – bread, cheese and soup – and it is interesting to look at how the utensils and customs that relate to these staple foods have developed.
The concept of breaking bread has biblical roots, but in terms of practical table manners probably owes much to Medieval dining customs. Since the only utensil in common use was the knife, which was reserved for cutting up meat, it became common practice to break bread with the hands. In fact, slabs of bread were used as a primitive ‘plate’ for meat until around the 14th century, when wooden plates began to appear. The bread slices were known as ‘trenchers’, from the old French word ‘trancher’, which means to slice, or cut.
Today, bread-eating etiquette owes much to these roots. Bread rolls used to be served inside the napkin. When a guest sat down at the table and laced the napkin on their lap, they removed the bread roll and placed it to the left of their plate.
Bread rolls are eaten from a side plate to the left of a place setting. Break the roll, by hand, into bite-sized pieces that are eaten individually. Break off a new piece for each mouthful, rather than dividing the roll into chunks in advance.
Butter, if desired, is taken from the butter dish, using the butter knife and placed on the edge of your side plate. Each piece, or mouthful, of bread is individually buttered.
The same principle applies to the artisan sliced bread often found in restaurants and to melba toast (a dry, thinly sliced rusk, often served with soup and salad).
Hot toast may be buttered all in one go (to ensure the butter melts evenly), but if it is to be spread with something such as pâté for a first course, follow the bread roll method as above. Brown bread and butter, served with smoked salmon, is served ready buttered and usually cut into halves diagonally.
The earliest recorded mention of a spoon in Britain was in 1259, when a spoon was listed as part of the wardrobe accounts of Edward I. It is likely that crude wooden spoons were available during the Middle Ages, but it was not until the 15th century that these began to be replaced by metal examples.
Before the 18th century, tablespoons were used to eat soup, never dessert spoons. While dedicated soup spoons became available in the 18th century, the shape of the bowl was not standardised and the round bowl shape that we recognise today, did not appear until the 19th century. The dedicated soup spoon was noticeably smaller than tablespoons, which were no longer used as eating implements, but instead were used as serving spoons.
When eating soup, fill the spoon by pushing away from you, towards the far side of the bowl. Bring the spoon to the mouth and tip the soup in from the side of the spoon; don’t try eating with the spoon at 90 degrees to the mouth. Don’t suck or slurp.
Tilt the bowl away from you in order to get the last few spoonfuls. Leave your spoon in the bowl when you have finished.
It is likely that the development of distinctive cheese knives was part of the mass production of cutlery that began in the Victorian era, when electroplated nickel silver was used as a cheaper substitute for sterling silver. In 1913, the British metallurgist Harry Brearley discovered stainless steel by chance; by adding chromium to carbon-steel, he revolutionised the cutlery industry and a plethora of specialised eating implements flooded the market.
In 1925 Thor Bjørklund, a Norwegian inventor and businessman, patented a cheese slicer, which he based on the carpenter’s plane. Ideal for slicing thin slices of cheeses such as Jarlsberg and Emmenthal, the cheese slice became extremely popular in the Nordic countries. The company he founded has been producing cheese slicers in Lillehammer ever since.
Other major types of cheese knife include the following:
•Cheddar knife: a cleaver-shaped design with a wide blade, ideal for cutting hard cheeses.
•Soft cheese knife: A knife with a curved, perforated blade, designed to stop soft cheese adhering to the implement.
•Flat cheese knife: Designed with a flat, paddle-shaped blade, ideal for Swiss and Asiago cheeses
•Cheese spreader: With a curved, rounded dull-edged blade, this knife is ideal for spreading soft cheeses, such as gorgonzola, onto crackers.
•All-purpose pronged cheese knife: With a narrow blade and two prongs, this multi-purpose knife is idea for slicing and picking up cheese (using the prongs). It is probably the most practical all-round option, if you do not want to invest in an extensive cheese-knife arsenal.
Always use the cheese knife provided to cut cheese from a communal board, not your own knife.
Round cheese, such as Camembert, must be treated like a cake: cut triangular portions.
It is correct to slice a whole large cheddar or Stilton horizontally but, if it is already cut like a cake, follow suit. Rind may be eaten or left on the side of your plate.
With a wedge such as Brie, cut slivers lengthways. Never cut the nose off a triangular slice.
Stilton is usually sliced, but if a spoon is provided, scoop a portion of cheese from the middle.
Bite-sized morsels of cheese on individual pieces of biscuit should be brought to the mouth, rather than biting off mouthfuls from a large piece of cheese on an entire cracker. It is fine to use fingers to eat hard, non-messy cheese with no biscuits or bread, perhaps with celery or grapes. Cut it into small pieces first.
