We have been pondering this question and wondering how it is still relevant in the 21st century.
We have concluded that many of the traits that were traditionally associated with ‘the perfect gentleman’ are in fact simply the good manners that we all aspire to in the modern day. Traditional notions of chivalry might now seem antiquated, but the principles of considerate behaviour towards others, whatever their age or gender, are still upheld and respected. The integrity and honesty that were seen as the characteristics of a gentleman (his word was his bond, hence the notion of the ‘gentleman’s agreement’), remain highly valued attributes, though by no means confined to one gender.
We have been looking at Principles of Politeness and of Knowing the World by Lord Chesterfield, an extremely popular 18th-century etiquette guide. In 1794, the Rev John Trusler added various insights, directed at young men ‘for the Improvement of Youth’, and many of his recommendations for the 18th-century gentleman now underpin contemporary notions of good manners:
“Modesty is a polite accomplishment, and generally an attendant upon merit: It is engaging to the highest degree, and wins the heart of all our acquaintance. On the contrary, none are more disgusting in company than the impudent and presuming.
The man who is, on all occasions, commending and speaking well of himself, we naturally dislike. On the other hand, he who studies to conceal his own defects, who does justice to the merit of others, who talks but little of himself, and that with modesty, makes a favourable impression on the persons he is conversing with, captivates their minds, and gains their esteem.”
This view of the perfectly modest gentleman has survived for many generations: it is evident in a very British recoil from ‘blowing one’s own trumpet’ – the tendency to dwell on one’s own status, talents and achievements, often while showing very little interest in anyone else. Subtlety, self-deprecation, tact, consideration – these are all traits that are admired and considered likeable.
Negligence of one’s person not only implies an unsufferable indolence, but an indifference whether we please or not.
Dress, as trifling as it may appear to a man of understanding, prepossesses on the first appearance, which is frequently decisive. And indeed we may form some opinion of a man’s sense and character from his dress.
Being well-groomed and well-presented is still seen as a commendable desire to show respect for the people around you. Your appearance is eloquent testament to the fact that you have made an effort, that you are not lazy or indifferent, and will be noted and approved.
Knowledge of the world, by our own experience and observation, is so necessary, that, without it, we shall frequently give offence, when we do not mean it. All the learning and parts in the world will not rescue us from it. Without an acquaintance with life, a man may say very good things, but time them so ill, and address them so improperly, that he had much better be silent. Full of himself and his own business, and inattentive to the circumstances and situations of those he converses with, he vents it without the least discretion, says things that he ought not to say, confuses some, shocks others, and puts the whole company in pain, lest what he utters next should prove worse than the last.
The quality of worldliness is associated with life experience and sophisticated understanding. Trusler points out that any amount of learning or expertise is redundant if it is not coupled with the quality of attention, the ability to observe other people and use tact and discretion in our dealings with them. Savoir-faire, the ability to speak and act appropriately in social situations, is still seen as the hallmark of the gentleman.
Worldly finesse isn’t about following arcane or courtly rules of behaviour, but simply about being observant of the people around you and showing consideration. In general, this means putting other people first, prioritising their comfort and ensuring that they do not feel ignored or overlooked. It is about avoiding awkwardness, making conversation, ensuring that social interactions are smooth and seamless.
Bearing all the above in mind, we propose the following qualities to define the modern gentleman:
•He has an air of sociability and hospitality.
Being at ease socially is an attractive trait – recluses and curmudgeons might be intriguing, but they are rarely congenial company. Hospitality is rooted in generosity, and anyone who is able to play the attentive host, whatever the circumstances, is demonstrating this important trait.
•He is in control of life, and never stressed.
We all feel stressed at times, but the ability to conceal this feeling and to ensure that it is not infecting the people around you, is always impressive. Trailing chaos, disorganisation, unpunctuality and confusion in your wake will discomfort the people around you and erode their faith in your competence.
•He is naturally charming to everyone he meets.
Being even-tempered, warm, positive, engaged and open-minded are all characteristics of charm. This is a quality that might seem elusive, and hard to acquire, but is simply term for someone who is always friendly, and without discrimination – ‘turning on’ charm when there is something to be gained, whilst turning it off when relationships are merely transactional, is the very definition of ‘ungentlemanly’ behaviour.
•He rarely loses his temper, and never in public.
Intemperate individuals who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation or throw their toys out of the pram when they encounter adversity, are deeply stressful to be around. If they indulge in temper tantrums in public the people around them feel intense embarrassment, and the loss of self-control is troubling. On the other hand, the ability to handle any situation – however trying – with unruffled calm is deeply reassuring.
•He is modest, yet confident, and cultivates an air of ease.
Just as the Rev Trusler pointed out, modesty is an attractive trait, allowing the people around you the space to make their own judgements about you without having to endure being beaten over the head with strident reminders of your superiority. By not exerting yourself to prove to everyone how impressive you are, you will be projecting an ‘air of ease’, a deeply relaxed, and quietly confident, demeanour, which will ensure that other people find you trustworthy and dependable – a true modern gentleman.
Click here to pre-order our Updated and Revised edition of the Debrett's Guide for the Modern Gentleman
Extricating yourself from conversations and moving on at social events is a challenge for many of us. We are conscious that we should circulate and not hunker down with one conversational partner for the whole of the evening – we owe it to our hosts. We are also understandably alarmed at the prospect of getting stuck with a boring or unappealing person, with no obvious – or polite – means of escape.
We all should recognise the signs of discomfort and restlessness when a conversation has run its course or has simply not taken off. Eye contact becomes intermittent, with a propensity to look around the room or over the shoulder of your conversational partner. There is a tendency to become fidgety, perhaps to fiddle with your face, hair or fingernails. There might even be an irresistible urge to yawn.
Learning how to move on without giving offence is an essential skill so you do not get stuck with people. It is also important to be aware of your own impact on other people – if you are monopolising a guest, and you see telltale signs of shiftiness, then you have turned into the problem, and it would be a gracious gesture to give your conversational partner an escape route: “I think I’ve been monopolising you for too long! It’s been lovely talking to you, but I guess we should circulate”. The key to social tact is to do as you would be done by and that means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
We’ve looked at a range of techniques for extricating yourself from social conversations – some are much more obvious, and potentially impolite, than others:
•Checking your watch
Glancing at your watch, and saying with mock surprise “Goodness, is that the time? I really must get on” is a dead giveaway. Nobody will really believe that you are under time pressure; they will see it as an obvious ploy to escape and an obvious sign of boredom. Demonstrating that you are aware of time passing is rude – it indicates that you are finding the person you are talking to less than fascinating.
•Checking your phone
Fiddling with your phone during social encounters is always rude, unless you have (and explicitly mention) a good excuse. Checking your phone and then saying “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to make a quick call” will certainly get you out of a conversation, but it will leave the other person feeling snubbed, and that is not a desirable outcome.
•Spotting your friend
Looking over your interlocutor’s shoulder and then saying “Oh, there’s my friend xxxxxx, I really must go and talk to him/her!” clearly indicates that you find the prospect of talking to someone else much more alluring than continuing the conversation. It would be better to beckon your friend over, introduce them, and see if their presence enlivens the conversation, or acts as a natural break.
•Going home
Saying that “it’s been great talking to you” but indicating that it’s time to go home is an effective way of exiting a conversation, but it is essential that you carry through. If you use this excuse and are then spotted an hour later, deep in animated conversation, then it will be quite clear that you were desperate to make an escape.
•Self-sabotage
Spilling your wine, dropping your canapé down your front, ‘accidentally’ breaking your glass – these are all desperate measures that will undoubtedly end the conversation, but is this really your only recourse?
•Spot the host
It’s always acceptable to use the host as an excuse. It is considered courteous at a social event to have a few words with the host/hostess, and to thank them for the party, so it is quite acceptable to say “There’s xxxxx – I haven’t seen him/her yet and I really must go and say hello.”
•Excuse yourself
Ask where the cloakrooms are, or just say “please excuse me” (the implication being that you are going to the loo). As long as you make this excuse discreetly, it will be considered quite admissible and is a failsafe way of exiting a conversation. But make sure you are seen to go to the cloakroom and are not immediately waylaid by a more interesting guest/conversation.
•Offer to procure a drink
This makes you look hospitable and helpful, but it also gets you away from the conversation. If you really have no desire to return, you could allow yourself to become ‘intercepted’ en route, or you could enlist the assistance/support of a good friend, who will change the dynamic of the conversation when you return.
•Play the circulation card
If you’re stuck with a bore and you’re desperate to terminate the conversation, it’s always a good idea to say, “It’s been great talking to you, but I suppose we really must circulate”. This is a subtle way of indicating that the conversation should break up and you should both move on, but it is dressed up as a social obligation, so there is no danger of giving the other person offence.
•End on a positive note
You don’t have to make an excuse, you can just terminate the conversation with a phrase like “Well I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, but now I must move on”. You can always make this bald statement more palatable by saying something positive about the encounter: “I was really fascinated to hear about your trip to Cairo, I’m going to look up the hotel you mentioned” etc etc. That way, you will suffuse your partner with a warm glow of appreciation, which will dispel any disappointment they feel about your departure.
We’ve come to admire assertiveness and self-confidence and see them as the keys to success. We try to nurture feelings of self-confidence in our children and respond positively to people who appear to know what they are talking about and have a clear idea about how to achieve their goals.
But while confidence, if it is well founded, is obviously an asset both professionally and socially, it can be a dangerous trait when it is over-inflated, and confidence mutates into overconfidence. It’s certainly true that people who steam through life, riding high on waves of self-belief, who are strangers to self-doubt or self-questioning, can be extremely dangerous. Their demeanour is persuasive and domineering, but you might find that their confidence easily tips into arrogance and is often a carapace that has been built up to mask feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, rather than genuine feelings of competence.
We live in a world where bosses, leaders, politicians and pundits feel obligated to project self-belief and certainty – the minute they express themselves tentatively they fear that they will be perceived as weak and indecisive and will be pilloried for their pusillanimity and vacillation. Yet sometimes it’s important to acknowledge that you don’t know something, to display a willingness to learn something new, to admit that other people are better qualified to opine on a subject than you are. Sometimes admitting ignorance – saying something like “I don’t really know the answer” or “I need to think about that more” can be a sign of confidence, indicating that you don’t need to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes and project fake confidence.
This is a level of positive humility which other people will find engaging and attractive. Rather than being steamrollered by you, they will feel flattered by your willingness to engage with them and learn from them. They will also trust you more because of your honesty and refusal to hoodwink them with false claims of expertise.
Don’t muddle the competence and certainty that will impress other people with a fixed belief that you are never wrong and don’t make mistakes. Being flexible and open-minded are positive traits that will ensure that you can learn from other people, build collaborative relationships and achieve so much more.
In short, the most successful and effective people create a positive balance between confidence and humility, which makes them both likeable and admirable.
•Use positive language
This means using expressions like “I’m sure”, “I know”, “I’m absolutely positive”, “I’m in total agreement”. These emphatic phrases indicate certainty and make no concessions to doubts and dithering. If you want to come across as self-confident, eliminate phrases like “it will probably work”, or “I hope that’s okay?” or “I’m not really sure about that”.
•Use positive body language
Stand up straight, speak clearly and audibly, nod affirmatively, initiate conversations, ask questions.
•Fake it till you make it
Just as smiling is said to enhance your feelings of wellbeing and contentment, acting confidently (positive body language, a decisive and assertive demeanour) will build up your feelings of genuine self-confidence. Eventually, you will no longer be acting the part of a confident person, you will be projecting true feelings of self-confidence.
•Admit your mistakes
Cheerfully admitting your mistakes, laughing at your errors, or apologising for your misconceptions are all signs of self-confidence. It’s not about erecting an impenetrable barrier of self-satisfaction and unassailability – leave that to the politicians. In real life, self-confidence is only attractive and persuasive when it is coupled with a self-aware and open-minded demeanour.
•Don’t weaponise your self-confidence
Using your endless reserves of self-belief as a means of bludgeoning the people around you into cowed acquiescence is always a mistake. People will be much more cooperative if they feel that they are being persuaded, charmed or wooed into compliance. Ultimately, lashings of self-confidence can come across as narcissistic, self-satisfied and essentially charmless – a more tentative, self-deprecating demeanour is often a more effective way of getting things done.
•Don’t confuse confidence and competence
We all know people who are blithely self-confident, who seem to believe – with very little supportive evidence – that they are blessed with abundant knowledge and abilities. The dawning realisation that you have been bamboozled, and that these people cannot be relied upon, can be painful and disillusioning.
•Don’t let your credulity blind you
Try not to take people’s estimates of their own abilities at face value, even though it is hard not to be lulled by their sense of self-assurance. This is known as ‘confidence bias’, which is the tendency to respect someone who appears to believe what they are saying. The perils of overconfidence are obvious – nobody wants to see their business (or government) falling apart because an over-confident, but incompetent, leader has taken the helm. Cultivate a healthy sense of scepticism, and always test, question or verify (as politely as possible) the claims of other people. Someone who has well-grounded confidence in their abilities will always rise robustly to the challenge, without feeling threatened or undermined. A defensive response is generally a red flag, indicating that the confident demeanour is over-inflated and unjustified.
•Don’t underestimate yourself
If you’re suffering from a bad case of confidence bias, you might be tempted to hide your own light under a bushel. You might fall into the trap of believing that other people know more than you or are better qualified than you to deal with workplace or everyday challenges. This could lead to a diminution in your own sense of self-confidence. If your feel that this is happening, try and counteract the downward slide by reminding yourself of your own unique abilities and expertise. You might never have the blustering braggadocio of your self-confident counterpart, but a steady and unwavering sense of your own worth and capabilities will get you a long way.
We are taught from an early age that whispering is rude. Whispering is a crude weapon of social rejection; by advertising intimacy with one person, you are also excluding everyone else. Whispering inevitably induces paranoia in the people around you, and at the very least makes them feel uncomfortable.
Whispering is a pernicious form of social manipulation. If you are singled out as the recipient of a whispered confidence, especially in a situation where you are uncomfortable or do not feel fully accepted, it is easy to feel gratified by the attention and flattered that you are the recipient of confidential information.
But in a situation like this, whispering is a performative gesture of exclusion. If you choose to whisper in someone’s ear, when other people are present, you are signalling the special status of the confidante at everyone else’s expense – whispering is often the recourse of social queen bees and playground bullies, who like to control social situations and dominate the people around them. They feel gratified to be seen as people in the know, who have the power to single out favourites, and bestow information on other people, as they see fit.
Think carefully before you whisper. It’s tempting to whisper observations and ‘asides’ to your companion in social situations, especially when they are boring. But even if your intentions are not malicious, other people will notice and will be made to feel uncomfortable. In a group situation, remember your school days, and don’t succumb to this juvenile behaviour. Refuse to whisper something to one person that you don’t feel comfortable conveying to the whole group. If you want to share a secret save it for later.
If you are selected for the whispering treatment, the easiest way to opt out – without being forced into a confrontation – is to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you’re saying”. If that doesn’t work, you might have to address the situation head-on and say “Can we talk about this later? Whispering looks so rude”. Try to remember how it makes you feel when you see other people whispering in front of you, and don’t play ball – these are playground tactics.
There are certain situations where it is acceptable to have a brief whispered exchange. This is normally when the prevailing atmosphere is intense, sombre, or highly focused, and a small nugget of information or a short request needs to be communicated.
If, for example, you are attending a funeral service, and the undertaker needs to communicate something urgent about the ceremony, it is quite acceptable for him to discreetly whisper in your ear. If you are in an important business meeting, and your assistant enters the room and, with clear gestures of apology, whispers a short message in your ear, the general assumption is that some pressing business has been conveyed, but in such a way that it does not interrupt the general discourse.
In all these instances, the emphasis must be on brevity and discretion.
On the other hand, if you are at a play, film, concert, or recital – or any performance where there is a reasonable expectation of silence – you really should resist the desire to whisper to your companion, because it is extremely inconsiderate to the people who are nearby. No matter how quietly you think you’re talking, your whispering will be both audible and distracting. It is a very rare insight that needs to be urgently conveyed to a companion in these circumstances, and you should simply choose to reserve your comments until the end of the performance.
Modern open-plan offices provide congenial spaces in which colleagues can relax, chat, hold impromptu meetings and brainstorm. They often offer communal spaces, which are well supplied with sofas and armchairs, where employees can sit, drink coffee and chat.
Desks, or even large tables, are open and exposed, without the traditional partitions that once protected privacy. In these circumstances, conversations are audible, and confidentiality is elusive. If two colleagues wish to have a private conversation, or gossip about someone on their team, they often have recourse to whispered conversations. But these inevitably carry all the negative baggage of whispered confidences in a social context, and can make people feel excluded, bullied or persecuted.
Inevitably, colleagues will want to have confidential conversations in the workplace, and the open-plan model does not cater for this. Ideally, the office will also supply ‘break out’ meeting rooms, where doors can be closed, and confidential information can be openly exchanged. If that is not the case, it would be wise to take these conversations off-site. Employers might also be wise to advise their employees that whispered conversations will not be tolerated. They should stress that, even if the topic of the whispering is completely non-controversial, whispering is a breach of etiquette, which is always construed as an act of exclusion.
While incivility is always unpleasant and insidious, it is particularly undermining in the workplace, where it can infiltrate and poison the working culture and leave employees feeling helpless and demoralised.
There are many factors that underpin the rise of incivility. Sometimes it is simply a matter of individuals who are robust and self-confident, who believe that ‘straight talking’ is a sign of strength, who sow the seeds of incivility in the workplace. Their challenging behaviour, which is designed to disrupt and challenge their colleagues and subordinates (ostensibly to drive them to greater achievements and productivity), can all too often create a culture, where people are cowed and fearful, uncertain about how best to respond, and ultimately compliant. This sort of situation can cause a great deal of discontent and demotivation in a working environment, where employees feel crushed and undermined.
If the person who behaves in a challenging way is a boss, manager or team leader, then their behaviour will pervade the entire working culture. Ultimately, civility will be seen as a sign of weakness, and only ‘thick skinned’ employees, who do not take rudeness to heart, will be able to survive or thrive.
But incivility is not always about overt confrontations, raised voices, arguments, haranguing or bullying behaviour. It can manifest in more subtle ways:
•Covert rudeness
Passive-aggressive behaviour in the workplace comes in many forms. It can range from eye-rolling or exchanging dirty looks when an individual is talking, to spreading nasty rumours and gossip, to the age-old techniques of social exclusion – falling silent when the target comes into the communal kitchen or audibly making social arrangements (lunch, after-work drinks) that exclude the target. Most damagingly of all, these micro aggressions can disrupt professional behaviour – for example perpetrators can take credit for someone else’s work, or subtly undermine their reputation when talking to a manager.
•Checking out
Not giving colleagues the benefit of your full attention (for example by checking your phone or emails when they are talking in meetings, or starting whispered conversations with other colleagues when they are talking) is a subtle way of undermining them professionally. It indicates that you do not respect them or their opinions.
•Sabotage
This can cover everything from ignoring certain individuals (eg not responding to their emails or requests) to withholding information in order to undermine their professional competence.
Good workplace cultures are finely balanced and easily disrupted. If the prevailing atmosphere is congenial and collegiate, a culture where employees are supportive and gracious will flourish. But this ideal scenario can all too easily be disrupted.
Strict deadlines, overwork, overtime, budgetary pressures and so on are all factors that can disrupt the harmony of the workplace. Some people thrive on pressure and find the adrenaline that it engenders stimulating and productive. But many people do not, and can become tetchy, strident or resentful when they feel pressurised. These feelings can easily manifest as rudeness, and when affronted colleagues retaliate, the whole edifice of politeness can begin to crumble.
A harmonious workplace can be severely impacted by the behaviour of certain individuals, who refuse to comply with the prevailing norms and enjoy stirring up the perceived complacency and passivity of their colleagues. While in the short term they might have a galvanising effect, in the long term, their behaviour might be damaging. It will be particularly so if these individuals are managers or team leaders.
There is no doubt that incivility in the workplace causes stress and unhappiness and impedes the performance of employees. They may feel uncomfortable because of the prevailing culture or feel targeted and persecuted by certain individuals. Colleagues who witness persistent incivility, even if they are not targeted, may feel unhappy and pressurised – they might not be sure how to react, fearful of going against the prevailing culture, or filled with self-reproach because they are not intervening effectively.
There are a number of ways in which these problems can be addressed:
•Be a model of good behaviour
Even if you are not a manager or team leader, you can still make an important contribution to office culture by modelling good behaviour. That means observing day to day civilities (greeting colleagues politely, saying please and thank you, apologising for being late or changing arrangements), showing an interest in your colleagues (making polite enquiries about weekend plans, holidays, children etc), and being as helpful as possible (making a cup of tea if your colleague is feeling stressed, offering to help if they’re overburdened with work).
•Call it out
Don’t make excuses for bad behaviour and remember, if you don’t confront it, you’re effectively condoning it. If possible, address it directly with the perpetrator, in private. Rather than being confrontational, you can use the “you probably don’t realise how upsetting it is when you….” technique. If this approach really isn’t at all possible, you should talk in confidence with your line manager.
•Define Incivility
Sometimes a workplace culture gradually slides, incrementally, into incivility and – especially if you are a manager or team-leader – you will need to stop the rot before this happens, especially if you are receiving complaints about bad behaviour. By involving everyone in the process of discussing and defining incivility and codifying examples of unacceptable behaviour or workplace rudeness, you will be making positive steps towards achieving a polite and supportive working environment.
See Debrett's Guide to Business Etiquette
Diplomacy refers to the rules and protocols that govern the behaviour of diplomats, who represent their countries on the international stage. More broadly, it is seen as the art and etiquette of interacting with other people in a sensitive and tactful way. At a time when diplomatic finesse sometimes appears to be lacking in high-profile negotiations between sovereign states, we look at the ways in which diplomatic skills and techniques can be used in everyday life and can help you negotiate and achieve your goals, without causing a diplomatic incident.
•Set the Scene
Most negotiations benefit from a good choice of location: peace and privacy will ensure that you are able to focus on the task in hand, without the distractions of noise and onlookers. If a conversation looks likely to be difficult, most people will prefer not to be scrutinised and observed by non-participants. It is far better to withdraw somewhere private for talks and then report back to interested parties. Generally, the desire to demonstrate some progress has been made is a useful motivating factor in reaching an acceptable compromise.
•Listen intently
True diplomats will tend to listen more than they speak, and they will focus very intently on what they are hearing. That means not interrupting or talking over the other person. Using phrases like “I see”, “I understand” or “Yes, that makes sense” will make the other person feel that they are being heard, and re-stating what has been said is a clear way of demonstrating that you have been attentive to all their points. Retain eye contact throughout, and nod affirmatively from time to time.
•Be respectful
It is essential to always be civil and courteous. The emphasis is on proper greeting and introductions, deferring to your host, showing gratitude, sending notes of thanks and so on. Diplomatic courtesies are simply a demonstration of good, attentive manners and, whether you are on the international stage or negotiating a domestic dispute, you will find that politeness helps to soften the impact of disagreement and makes the person you are negotiating with more disposed to interact with you.
•Use small talk
If you are settling down for an arranged negotiation on any subject, try to relax before anything of substance is broached. By chatting about everyday issues and observations (weather, surroundings, journey time etc) you will be finding common ground and consolidating a friendly relationship before you get down to business.
•Think about your body language
Don’t sit hunched in a chair and try not to fold your arms – both postures look closed and defensive. Don’t lean in aggressively to harangue the other person. On the other hand, sprawling in a super-relaxed posture in your chair is also disconcerting, as it looks as if you’re not taking the proceedings seriously. It is best to sit upright and keep your hands in your lap; remember over-emphatic hand gestures and a raised voice all convey aggression. Try mirroring – most people relax if you copy their body language (eg cross your legs to mimic their position).
•Maintain eye contact
While a fixed stare can be challenging, steady eye contact conveys straightforwardness and honesty. Intermittent eye contact, or a tendency to look everywhere rather than into the face of your sparring partner, looks shifty and dishonest.
•Use the ameliorating power of praise
When you’re saying difficult things, it always helps if you can encase them in compliments and approbation. An unvarnished attack is purely aggressive; if it is sandwiched between kind remarks about the other person (their achievements, their reputation, their undoubted abilities), the impact will be softened, and the criticism will be more palatable.
•Soften disagreement
Use self-deprecation and humility to mask opposition. So, prefacing a remark with phrases like “I may be wrong, but…”, “I might have misunderstood your point of view, but…” creates a space where the other person can back down, or make a concession, without losing face.
•Seek out agreement
You might be dealing with substantive differences of opinion, but you will be able to change the narrative if you can find areas (however small) where you concur with each other. Use phrases like “I think we’re all agreed that…” to signal that these are positive efforts to find consensus and common ground.
•Keep calm
It is essential that you stay even-tempered and relaxed, and do not show signs of stress or anger. Practise deep breathing if you feel tensions begin to rise. You can always take control and interrupt proceedings by suggesting a refreshment break, which might take the momentum out of your anger, and give you a chance to regroup. Demonstrating negative emotions, or losing control of your own emotions, are both major diplomatic no nos.
•Keep it civil
Under pressure, it is easy to counteract with sarcasm or a jeering tone, but you must resist this temptation and seek to remain relentlessly civil and courteous. Under no circumstances should you say anything that will humiliate the other person.
•Don’t make assumptions
Claiming that you already know the other person’s point of view, or that you can anticipate how they will react to your proposal, is a way of disrespecting and diminishing them. It also sets up clear impediments to communication. Avoid this conversational cul-de-sac by remaining open-minded and receptive.
•Don’t be frightened of pauses
If you are asked a leading or challenging question, you do not have to come back with an immediate retort. Pause for careful thought. If necessary, raise your hand to indicate you need more time, or say something like “I need to think about that”. This will ensure that you will have time to run through the potential impact of what you are about to say and envision how your remarks will make the other person feel.
•Pace the conversation
Slowing down the pace of the conversation creates space for empathy – it gives you time to imagine how the other person might be feeling, or what effect our words are having on them. Don’t let your opposite number set a fast pace; rapid-fire exchanges can quickly become intemperate and ill-advised.
•Remember the winner does not take it all
Humiliating the person with whom you are negotiating, wrong-footing them, exposing their weakness, making them feel small and insignificant, highlighting their mistakes, gloating over their failures… these are all tactics that it is tempting to deploy if you find yourself in a situation of conflict and disagreement and you are intent on asserting your own point of view. But this is where diplomacy dies. No lasting or robust agreement will ever emerge from this kind of mortification. A true diplomat will never leave their opposite number feeling crushed and humiliated; they will strive to find a positive agreement and to convince everyone concerned that a healthy and constructive compromise has been reached.
The cinema awards season has culminated in the Oscars, and we’re all talking about films. Many of us will be planning to visit the cinema to see some of the prize-winning movies, film critics are offering their own opinions all over the media, and groups of friends are discussing the merits (or not) of the most acclaimed movies.
Cinema is a great shared experience: movie-lovers enjoy the communal aspect, the expectant hush, the shared laughter, the super-charged atmosphere. Many of us are now able to stream a vast selection of movies at home, and we have screens and sound systems that are more than capable of giving us a high-quality experience, but it is not the same. At home, we can multitask as we watch, talk back at the screen, pause the movie so we can replenish our glasses. This is all perfectly enjoyable, but it is very different from sharing the experience, however anonymously, with a large number of other people.
It is extremely important to differentiate between home and cinema, and to moderate your behaviour accordingly. Basic cinema etiquette seems obvious, but we have all experienced anti-social behaviour in cinemas and come away feeling frustrated by our fellow audience-members. So, observe the following cinema etiquette:
• Arrive on time
It is fine to come into the cinema during the trailers and adverts, where there is a general acceptance that people are still talking and settling in, but it is annoying if you start squeezing down the rows and blocking the screen after the film has started.
• Don’t be a space-invader
Your ticket entitles you to a seat and, generally, an armrest (there’s no rule about which armrest is rightfully yours, so you might need to politely negotiate with your neighbour). It does not entitle you to dump all your belongings on the adjacent vacant seat or to drape your coat over the back of the seat in front of you, which means the person sitting there cannot lean back. Don’t sprawl and impinge on other people’s space and never kick or interfere with the seat in front.
• Take off your hat
Remove all headgear – especially if you’re tall. Needlessly blocking the screen will really antagonise the person behind you.
•Plan your exit
If you fear that you will need to go to the loo during the film, try and secure an aisle seat so that you minimise disruption.
• Turn off your phone
While chatting on the phone, or using audible ringtones, is now considered an obvious offence (with cinemas screening reminders before the film begins), remember that silently scrolling on your phone during the movie is distracting because it will emit a bright light. Taking photos or short videos during movies is also frowned upon. If you don’t want to switch off completely, turn your phone to silent and put it away.
• Eat considerately
Most cinemas ply us with a range of refreshments and rely on these purchases to boost flagging income. Whether you’re rattling your way through a giant bucket of popcorn, noisily sucking up the last dregs of a fizzy drink through a straw, or audibly rustling sweet wrappers, be aware that you might be disturbing near neighbours. Try and reserve your noisiest consumption for passages of the film where the soundtrack will obliterate your munching.
• Minimise talking
Generally, whispering the odd comment or question to your companion is tolerable, but a running – and audible – commentary is not. Remind yourself that you are not slumped on the sofa at home, where there are endless distractions and films can be paused and interrupted. People sitting around you have paid for the big screen, wrap-around audio experience and they will be irritated if your chatting is interfering with their enjoyment. A very British reaction is to turn around and glare at the offender. If you see someone deploying this technique, accept that you’ve transgressed and concentrate on the movie; do not react by upping the volume and volubility.
• Take your rubbish
Of course, cinemas employ staff to clear up at the end of each showing, but it is only polite to assist them by taking out empty cups, wrappers and popcorn buckets. Turn-arounds between showings are often very tight, so every little helps.
We’ve all been to movies that we have really hated. If you’re on your own, or with someone who clearly feels the same (a discreet whispered consultation might be necessary), you might decide to cut your losses and leave the cinema. Do so with the minimum of fuss – no huffing and puffing or audible statements of disappointment.
But what if the rest of your party, or your partner or companion, really loved the film? There is often an awkward moment as you exit the cinema when the big question “What did you think?” is popped. While there’s no reason to hide your criticisms behind bland platitudes, this is a situation where you might need to tread carefully and diplomatically. Make a few tentative, probing comments first: “I’m not sure…”, “It wasn’t quite my cup of tea”. “Well – romcoms aren’t really my thing”. These comments are innocuous but telling. If your companions violently disagree, they can make an informed decision about whether they want to get into a full-blown argument with you, or they can choose to draw a veil over the whole proceeding and say something that shuts down the conversation like “Well, I really liked it, but we’ll have to agree to differ” and you can move, harmoniously, on.
If you’re a standout critic of the film you’ve just seen, and are surrounded by satisfied enthusiasts, don’t spend the rest of the evening haranguing your friends about the awfulness of the film, minutely outlining your criticisms, heedless of the prevailing mood around the table. It will just ruin your evening and will get you nowhere (you’re unlikely to change their minds).
If they’re prepared to indulge in an animated discussion about the film, it’s another matter. Stick to your ground and enjoy the conflict – you have been invited to defend your position and other people are clearly interested in hearing your point of view.
Finally, if you are the organiser of a trip to the cinema and you are faced with the obvious grumpiness and dissatisfaction of some of your party after you exit the cinema, do not let them make you feel guilty. You can acknowledge their criticism (“I’m sorry you didn’t like it, but I certainly did!”) and leave it at that. If they’re making you feel bad, consider that the fault is with them and they’re being rude – we’re all adults, and must take responsibility for our own decisions when it comes to choosing our entertainment. If it all goes wrong, sulking is not the best way of redeeming the experience.
The British make over 3.6 billion bus journeys a year, so it is safe to assume that bus travel is a familiar experience for most of us. Obviously, there will be local differences – an infrequent country bus service where local residents meet and chat is very different from a busy London bus – but the basic rules of behaviour are the same.
Queuing is often seen as an integral aspect of British culture, but it is a comparatively recent innovation. In 1937 the London Passenger Transport Board passed byelaws enforcing queues for trams and buses when there were more than six people were waiting. This byelaw was enforced; in May 1939 a man was fined ten shillings for jumping a bus queue of seventy people. Wartime privations meant queues became an essential part of British culture, and postwar rationing led to another decade of enforced queuing. By then, the urge to queue appeared to have become an indispensable part of the British psyche.
However, the orderly bus queue has not survived into the 21st century. Nowadays, people tend to throng around a bus stop, rather than form a line leading from it. But even if you are not joining a regimented queue, you should still be aware of your own status and the priority of other people. It is good manners to stand back and allow people who were at the bus stop before you to board, rather than barging in front of people who have been waiting longer. You should always give priority to older people, parents with pushchairs, wheelchair-users and so on.
There are a myriad different payment systems on different bus routes, ranging from cash, to dedicated travelcards or debit cards. If possible, check out how to pay first, but even if you’re uncertain make sure that you have your cash and cards ready and accessible. Nobody is more unpopular on a busy bus than the person who rummages around in a huge bag desperately seeking their purse or wallet, or the phone-user who spends ages swiping their phone screen trying to find their digital wallets or travelcards.
Buses are frequently overcrowded and carry large numbers of standing passengers, so it is essential that you move down the bus, away from the driver. Try and spread out and don’t bunch up near the exit doors, or at the bottom of the stairs on double-deckers.
If you’re lucky enough to get a seat, remember that you are only entitled to one seat per person and it is extremely rude on overcrowded buses to use an adjoining seat as a storage space for your extra bags and luggage –nobody should ever have to ask you to move your bag. Keep your bags on your lap or put them down on the floor between your feet.
Do not take up a priority seat (always clearly labelled) and offer a seat to those who may need one (eg older people, people carrying crutches or walking sticks, or with young children). If you are worried about offending someone (eg if you are unsure whether they are pregnant) just get up discreetly and the other person may sit if they wish.
Children should be seated – either on their own seat – or, if they are small and the bus is crowded, on your lap. They should never be allowed to wander around the bus.
Dogs are frequent bus passengers; keep an eye on them and ensure that they don’t stray into the aisle, where they can cause a dangerous obstruction.
Seats are for sitting on – never put your feet up on the seat opposite.
Buses are generally the most convivial form of public transport, and you might find yourself falling into conversation with your neighbour. People behave in a much less self-contained way than they do on, for example, commuter trains and it is less likely to see bus passengers working on laptops or lost in reading a book. You may find buses are quite noisy, with lots of conversations going on around you.
For this reason, it is not considered particularly rude to speak on your mobile phone, although you might find that a bus is not a good place for a discreet or private conversation – you are in close proximity to lots of potential eavesdroppers.
However, if you want to look at videos on your phone, listen to music or podcasts, or hold a FaceTime conversation, ensure that you are using headphones or earbuds. There are limits to your fellow bus passengers’ noise tolerance.
We’ve probably all had the experience of being forced to remove discarded litter (especially takeaway food packaging) from a vacant seat or being uncomfortably aware of empty cans and bottles rolling around at our feet. Leaving your own debris on the bus is depressing for other passengers and it is essential that you take your litter away with you or use bins provided.
It can be hard to moderate the temperature on buses and most of the time opening the windows is the best option. But your refreshing breeze might be another passenger’s howling draft, so don’t open or close windows without checking politely with other passengers first.
The bell to alert the driver that you want to get off at the next stop only needs to be rung once. Repeatedly dinging the bell is just irritating.
Get off promptly; if you're on the lower deck, and it’s safe to do so, move to the doors before the bus actually stops. If you’re on the upper deck, move promptly to the stairs and descend as quickly as possible (you may safely be able to do this before the stop if the bus is stationary in traffic).
In some towns and villages it is a pleasing custom to thank the bus-driver as you disembark. This would, of course, be considered bizarre behaviour on a crowded London bus, but observe the local customs and adhere to them.
In a world where we’re constantly being advised to question our own motives and urged to focus on self-improvement, making excuses gets a bad press. Excuses are seen as cop-out, primarily used as a thin disguise for avoidance – whether it’s a tough work assignment, a social engagement or a health and exercise regime.
But this overlooks the fact that excuses are often made out of politeness, out of a desire to conceal a possibly hurtful truth, and as such they should not be dismissed out of hand. We’ve looked at different types of excuses and discuss the role they play:
If you are attempting to dodge something or someone, making excuses can often seem the polite way out. You don’t want to tell someone you simply don’t want to meet them, or help them out, or come to their charity evening – because to do so, bluntly and honestly, would be rude – so you make an excuse.
Before you go down the path of making a polite excuse, examine your motives carefully. Are you trying to wriggle out of a social arrangement because you can’t be bothered or you’re feeling lazy? If you have already accepted an invitation, you really should set the threshold for refusing and sending your excuses very high. In other words, you should concede that, by accepting in the first place, you have set up certain expectations, and you really shouldn’t contemplate opting out lightly.
If, on the other hand, you are asked if you would be interested in doing something, or attending an event, and you know full well that it’s the last thing you would like to do, then it might be kinder to conceal your reluctance behind a polite excuse (“I’m so sorry, I’m completely booked out next week”), rather than an honest display of disinterest and negativity (“I’m afraid I really don’t like eating in a large group, and I’m not very keen on that restaurant”).
We all know that inventing elaborate excuses, such as a terrible stomach bug, or a prior engagement, is asking for trouble. This is particularly true in the privacy-free age of social media, as there’s every chance your lie will be exposed. Your excuse that you can’t come to the party because you’re exhausted and want to spend a quiet night at home could come back and bite you, when your friends post riotous pictures of you having a whale of a time at a rival social event. Equally, pretending that you can’t make it to an event because you have another social engagement won’t really wash if you post smug selfies from your sofa, where you’re indulging in an enjoyable session of self-indulgent pampering.
Worst of all are the bad karma excuses – this is when you fall back on illness, accidents, relationship problems, family crises, and all manner of other disasters, as an excuse for your non-availability. These excuses are tempting because they are generally accepted at face value, often with a large dose of sympathy and concern. But, even though you score high for credibility, there is a real risk of ongoing sympathy and follow-up questions (about your welfare, the family, the pet etc), which you will have to deflect without giving the game away. You might find yourself being inexorably led into a tangled web of white lies and deceit. It’s all so complicated…
The best option is to make excuses that are as near the truth as possible, without being blunt, tactless or hurtful. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy, especially if you’re shouldering the blame for your own withdrawal: “I’ve been rushing around all week and I’m afraid I'm just not in the mood for socialising” is honest and tactful; “I’ve been rushing around week and I just can’t face sitting in a noisy pub, listening to everyone moan about work for the entire evening” is also honest, but it packs a nasty punch, since it indicates far too clearly why you find the prospect of socialising unattractive.
All too often, especially in a work context where your performance is under close scrutiny, excuses are offered for under-performance or disorganisation. But excusing a poor performance on the grounds of ill-health, extenuating circumstances or somebody else’s error only makes you look weak. You are acknowledging that your work has not come up to the mark, but you are refusing to take full responsibility for it and relying instead on tired old escape clauses. If you regularly default to this sort of behaviour, bosses and colleagues will see you as someone who is unreliable and dishonest, and perhaps just a little bit wheedling.
In these circumstances, you need to think carefully about the difference between excuses and explanations. An explanation should clarify and provide context, whereas an excuse is all about muddying the water and deflecting blame.
For example, you might say: “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. I badly underestimated the amount of time it would take to track down the various resources I needed, but I’ve been working at it over the weekend, and I will have it for you first thing tomorrow.” This explanation acknowledges that you made an error; you take responsibility for it and outline how you are going to put things right. On the other hand, if you say “I’m sorry I missed the deadline for handing in my report. The resources were very hard to access, mainly because our online archiving system is in a bit of a state, and that really slowed me down” then you are offering an excuse. You are deflecting blame (to the archivist) and not taking responsibility for your actions or offering a solution.
Don’t hide behind excuses in the mistaken belief that you will avoid blame and negative consequences. Acknowledge instead that being accountable for your actions is ultimately much more constructive. Trotting out tired-old excuses (the equivalent of “the dog ate my homework”) is never going to impress anyone.
In the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, many newly engaged couples will be contemplating wedding plans over the months ahead. But first of all, there’s the question of the engagement party. By no means compulsory or inevitable, some couples will prefer to put all their saving power and organisational ability into the main event. But for many of us an engagement is a great excuse for a party. It also serves a very useful function, as it is an excellent way of bringing the two families and their respective friendship groups together. Friendships that are forged at the time of the engagement will make the wedding day less socially burdensome for the host couple, and potential members of the wedding party (best man, bridesmaids, ushers, parents) will all have the chance to get to know each other before the start of the planning frenzy.
•Timing
An engagement party is generally held within a month or two of becoming engaged to ensure that it feels relevant to the announcement, but should not be too close to the wedding: presents should not be expected.
Always check before setting a date that key guests – such as the immediate family, the best man and bridesmaids – will be able to attend.
•Tradition
It was the tradition for the bride’s parents to host a gathering of family and friends – for example a small dinner party or larger drinks party – and this is still a popular convention. If both sets of parents are well known to each other, then they may decide to host a joint celebration.
The couple may also decide to host an additional party for their friends, which can range from drinks in a hired venue to an informal gathering at the local pub.
A more contemporary arrangement is for the couple to host a single party or gathering, and to ensure that they invite their friends as well as their respective families.
•Invitations
People who are invited to the engagement party will assume that they will also be invited to the wedding, so the easiest way to avoid any mix-ups is to ensure that all your guests can expect a wedding invitation as well. On the other hand, it is quite possible that some potential wedding guests may not be invited to the engagement party – most likely because they live far away or because they are in the ‘second tier’ of wedding guests (eg relations to whom the couple feel a sense of obligation).
Some couples who are opting for a smaller, more intimate wedding might choose to invite a larger number of people to the (less expensive) engagement party. If this is the case, make this into a positive decision that you communicate clearly to them – you could send a note with the invitation saying something like “the wedding is going to be a very small affair, so we’re delighted to have the opportunity to celebrate our engagement with all our friends and family”.
When you send out the invitations, make sure that it is clear that the party is being held to mark your engagement – guests will feel wrongfooted if this news is kept under wraps.
•Presents
It is not customary to expect engagement presents, and nobody should feel obligated to give them. However, parents of the couple may choose to give a present, or perhaps a family heirloom. More practically, they may offer to make a financial contribution to the wedding, or the engagement party. Any presents or offers of money should be gratefully acknowledged, by letter, after the event.
•Venue
Given that the engagement party is the prelude to a possibly very expensive main event, it is not necessary to push the boat out or stretch your budget to the limit. If space permits, an engagement party may take place in the couple’s home (assuming they are already living together) or one set of parents’ home. Alternatively, you could reserve a private room at a restaurant or bar.
•Catering
Champagne or cocktails and canapés are a reliable combination for this type of party (downgrading to prosecco is a perfectly acceptable cost-cutting measure). Hired venues will usually offer a menu of canapés and will have staff available to serve food and drink. Altermatively, you might opt to put money behind the bar and allow guests to order their own drinks.
If you are hosting from home, external caterers can be hired to provide canapés or a buffet, drink, crockery, and glassware. Alternatively, you may feel able to cater for yourselves. It’s worth asking your chosen bridesmaids and ushers to help serve drinks and pass round food, as it is a good way for them to get to know the other guests.
•Theme
Very organised couples might choose to align the look and feel of their engagement party with their vision for their future wedding. For example, if they are dreaming of a country-style wedding, with rustic table settings and a country garden feel, they might choose an engagement venue, such as a picturesque country pub, that reflects this aspiration. Or if they're leaning towards urban chic, choosing a smart city venue would reinforce that ascetic.
But there is no obligation to go for a homogenous approach, and you might not have chosen your wedding theme yet, and feel nervous of boxing yourself in. Indeed, you may choose to embrace contrast – for example an engagement party in a packed city bar, and and a midsummer wedding in an idyllic country retreat. It’s your choice.
•Speeches
In a conventional scenario, where the bride’s parents are hosting, it is customary for the father of the bride-to-be to give a short speech and toast the couple. Either the bride or the groom (or both) may also say a few words, thanking guests for coming and paying a tribute to their spouse-to-be. But even in a less conventional situation, it is always a good idea to designate one of the guests (parent, best man, chief bridesmaid etc), as the ‘toastmaster’ for the evening. All they need to do is to offer some words of congratulation, and ask their fellow guests to raise their glasses and toast the happy couple. Speeches should not take up too much of the evening – the wedding is a much more appropriate setting for anecdotes and reminiscences.
•Capture the Memory
This is going to be a special memory, and it is very much a part of the whole wedding celebration, so make sure that there are photographs to document the occasion. You do not need to hire a dedicated photographer; you can simply ask a handful of reliable guests to take a few pictures during the course of the evening. You might also be able to enlist the help of the future best man (or someone else who is a good organiser) to gather together the guests for some group shots.
These days most of the guests will inevitably be brandishing their phones and taking endless photos – if you’re really organised and keen to harvest the photos they’ve taken, you could ask guests to upload their pictures to a special wedding website, or use any number of dedicated wedding apps that make uploads easy. Or you could create a Google drive or Dropbox link, or use an Instagram hashtag, and send details to the guests with their invitations. Just make sure that your celebration (and your inbox) isn’t overwhelmed with amateur photographers!
Click here to access all our advice on Engagements and Weddings
