It’s hard to ignore the epidemic of “harassment and abuse of our staff will not be tolerated” signs that have appeared in shops, on public transport and even in GP surgeries and hospitals. They point to a marked deterioration in behaviour, especially in relation to public-facing staff, as we all seem to be feeling increasingly on edge. Retail workers routinely bear the brunt of customer rudeness: a recent survey by the British Retail Trust, revealed that a depressing 90 per cent of workers had encountered abusive customers – a third of the respondents reported this experience occurrd at least once a week.

It has become a reflex to routinely blame the fallout from the pandemic for this sort of behaviour; lockdown led to stress and isolation and these negative feelings were projected on to the most readily available targets, eg shop workers. While it is certainly true that many people behaved strangely during this most difficult of times, it is also true that abusive behaviour of retail workers was also on the rise well before the pandemic.

Why are we so Rude?

Undoubtedly, these problems have roots in several factors. Many of us are stressed by modern life, with its plethora of possibilities and challenges, and are finding it hard to cope in a society that is becoming more atomised and isolated, with less reliance on extended families and more emphasis on individual robustness. Inflation – most obviously displayed by rising food prices – has pushed many people to the edge, turning every retail transaction into an anxiety-inducing obstacle course.

Against this backdrop we have entered a world where much of our life is lived online. We routinely do our shopping online and this experience has become increasingly refined and improved, eroding our tolerance for real-life impediments (empty shelves, long queues, irritating fellow-shoppers, crowded carparks, malfunctioning trolleys and so on). Many shops have chosen to dehumanise the retail experience and have introduced self-checkouts and computerised click and collect services which tend to malfunction, or simply to baffle customers, and a confusing confrontation with a perverse piece of technology can be the final straw.

In fact, many instances of customer rudeness can be explained by the notion of the final straw. People who are on edge, under pressure, running late, beset by profound anxieties, are much more prone to crack when faced by everyday challenges. In these circumstances, lashing out at a shop-worker, a barista, a railway guard, or a health centre receptionist carries much less risk that venting all that rage and frustration on a boss, partner, friend or relative. Obviously, the fallout will not have an impact on their most important relationships – they may never see the retail worker again and they are being treated as convenient scapegoats.

But what does this behaviour say about attitudes to retail workers or service personnel? By disregarding their feelings or refusing to contemplate how distressing abusive behaviour towards them must be, irate customers are displaying a troubling lack of empathy. Their disregard may also be a symptom of something even more troubling; a misplaced feeling of superiority towards people whose job it is to serve and a tendency to discount them.

Either way, remind yourself that – even if circumstances are extremely stressful – we should always be capable of internalising our own feelings of rage and resentment, and should be able to present a polite façade. Discourtesy towards customer-facing staff should be a red flag; if you see this behaviour in other people, it is demonstrating an inability to control negative emotions, a lack of empathy or even a troubling sense of superiority and impunity – all of which are profoundly undesirable characteristics.

Whatever the excuse, abusive behaviour is counterproductive. It is not only extremely upsetting for the victim, but it may also lead to a stalemate where the victim of abuse is understandably unwilling to make any extra effort to be of assistance. Customers are far more likely to benefit from good service if they are polite and courteous and willing to see other people’s point of view.

Controlling Customer Behaviour

•Be flexible and accommodating

You are much more likely to become enraged if you have very fixed expectations which are sometimes not met. These may be, for example, about stock availability or speed of checkout. Try and build some contingency into your planning – often allowing yourself a bit more time will relieve some of the pressure.

•Practise active empathy

Try and step for a moment outside your own skin and exercise your imagination. Ask yourself how would you feel if someone spoke to you abusively? Remind yourself that most service personnel have very little potential for riposte – they are encouraged to defer to the customer and are not allowed to escalate the situation; imagine how trapped and belittled they must feel when they are being rudely berated.

•Think carefully about culpability

The sad fact about most of this abuse is that, even if the customer has legitimate cause for complaint, they are directing their rage at someone who has absolutely no responsibility for the problem and is merely the convenient public face of a much larger organisation. If this is the case, then you really should think about taking your complaint to the store manager or writing a considered critique to the head office or customer complaints department of the organisation – venting your rage at someone on the customer floor will get you nowhere.

•Address your own anger

If you have an unfortunate predilection for letting off steam at service personnel, think carefully about why you are so angry and why you find it so hard to control your emotions. Understanding that more there might be more profound reasons for your rage than an irritating retail experience might help you to address a tendency to lose your temper. Withdrawing from a situation if you feel the anger rising, contemplating the reasons for your rage, and dealing with it when you are feeling calm and collected is always recommended.

•Opt for a charm offensive

Being rude will most likely cause the other person to become defensive and reluctant to help, whereas a polite willingness to work with them to find a solution is often disarming. Sometimes all you have to do is smile confidently and say, “I’m sure we can resolve this,” – using the word ‘we’ subtly diffuses the hostile energy, suggesting that you are both involved in a collaborative effort to solve the problem. Always remember that persistent politeness and calm reasonableness are far more effective weapons than ranting and tantrums.