‘Phubbing’ is a portmanteau word, devised by an Australian ad agency in 2012, which combines ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’. At the time it was coined, smartphones were becoming affordable and accessible, but they were nowhere near as universal as they are today, and phone addiction was in its infancy.

In 2024 that jokey word has become a useful term for describing a phenomenon that is becoming increasingly troubling, which is having an impact on relationships with friends and family and causing strife in romantic partnerships.

Given the compulsion most of us seem to feel to check on our phones at regular intervals, it is very likely that we have all experienced phubbing – being overlooked or ignored because a phone screen is more alluring. Phubbing can cover a range of behaviour, from glancing at the screen when notifications buzz to full-on hunkering down and scrolling on the phone in a social situation or when you are one-to-one with another person. Of course, there is no dispute that phubbing is extremely bad manners, because it implies quite clearly that the person who is being phubbed is considerably less riveting than the phone. They are likely to feel sidelined and insulted and, especially in romantic partnerships where attentiveness is key, rejected.

Because phones are addictive, it is quite likely that the person who is phubbing is blissfully unaware of the impact of their behaviour. They have fallen victim to a compulsion, like a facial tic or a jiggling leg, which is to glance at their phones at increasingly regular intervals. There is probably no conscious thought along the lines of “This person is boring, so I’ll check the football scores”, simply an unconscious urge to check out that tantalising screen.

The whole tendency to phub has been compounded by the ways in which our work-life balance has changed. Because we are all equipped with smartphones, and can access texts and emails at any time, there is a presumption – especially if we work flexible hours or are home-based – that we are always going to be available and willing to respond to work imperatives. We feel that we must meet this expectation and are therefore driven to checking our phones to show our efficiency and alacrity.

In addition, smartphones have become the gateway to infinite amounts of information and stimulus, from news sites and streaming services to a whole variety of social media apps. Our online lives are increasingly rich and demanding and, if we have set up notifications and alerts, it is hard to ignore the siren call of that digital world, whether it is a news headline, an intriguing piece of celebrity gossip, a sports result, or an update on social media platforms. There is just too much going on.

How do we ignore this online cacophony and dedicate ourselves to focusing on the real human beings with whom we are meant to be interacting? First, we must conduct a swift self-interrogation and establish whether we have a problem with phubbing:

Are You a Phubber?

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself, which will highlight just how dependent you are on your smartphone. You are, of course, unlikely to be a phubber if you see your phone as merely functional, rather than a lifeline.

•Do you take your phone everywhere? Do you feel panicked and naked if you can’t feel it in our pocket or see its reassuring glow in your handbag?

•Do you tend to put your phone on the table whenever you arrive at a meeting, whether it is business or social?

•Do you believe that you are indispensable and must therefore always be reachable and does that belief make you feel good about yourself?

•Are you an avid consumer of all your phone’s online offerings? Do you spend much of your spare time gazing at your screen?

•Are you under the illusion that flicking regular glances at your phone’s screen doesn’t count?

How to Stop Phubbing

If you have diagnosed high levels of phone dependency, you are possibly already phubbing friends, partners, family. It is to be hoped that people close to you are willing to call you out when your phone behaviour becomes offensive, but all too often they will shy away from the confrontation and nurse feelings of rejection instead. So, it is always a good idea to look at your own behaviour and judge whether you need to take action:

•Make it a rule that, whenever you are meeting people in the flesh, you turn off your phone’s notifications altogether or switch them to silent. Without the constant beeping from your phone, you might be able to find enough concentration to focus on the conversation.

•If you’re meeting people socially, try turning your phone off altogether. This is a real cold turkey move which you might find too challenging initially; if that is the case, allow yourself to take your phone with you when you go to the loo or the bar so that you can have a quick glance at your messages, then turn it off before you re-join your party.

•Forbid yourself from ever putting the phone on the table when you are meeting people. If you’re a notorious phubber, putting the phone centre stage is an act of aggression – everyone will know that as soon as it beeps or flashes you will not hesitate to glance at it or, worse still, pick it up, and putting it on the table affirms the importance of the phone to you.

•Make it an absolute rule that you will never use your phone at the dining table and, if you have children, steadfastly insist that they comply. Bad habits start young and looking at the phone when you’re eating with other people is the worst phone habit of all.

•Exceptions prove the rule. There may well be occasions when you do need to be alert to your phone (your wife is about to go into labour, you’re waiting for a vital call from your boss, your child’s headteacher, your doctor, and so on). If this is the case, explain to the people you are with that you are waiting for an important call, and apologise in advance for any disturbance or distraction. When the call comes in try, if possible, to physically distance yourself from other people so your conversation does not have an inhibiting effect on their interaction.

•Finally, think about the notion of availability. Is it really so important that you are always on standby, ready to answer your phone? Will there be terrible consequences if it takes you two or three hours to respond to a text or message? For some people, the answer will undoubtedly be “yes”, but they are in the minority and most of must accept that we’re not that indispensable. And once we do so, we’ll realise that the world is a much more congenial and relaxing place if we’re able to prioritise real-life over digital interactions.