Traditional manners, which were instilled into children at a very young age, were woven around the notions of hierarchy and respect. Gestures, such as standing up, nodding to acquaintances, offering an arm, or shaking hands, were finely calibrated to indicate the deference due people who were older or higher status, and this stately dance ensured that social interactions moved on well-oiled wheels.

Much has changed as society has become more egalitarian, especially in relation to status and gender. While older people may still be treated with a certain amount of care and deference – partly because they belong to an earlier generation and have different expectations and partly for simple pragmatic reasons (they may need a seat or a helping hand) – chivalrous gestures towards women might be misconstrued.

But we do not need to discard all these old-fashioned gestures simply because the structures they underpinned have now been eroded. Polite gestures are still elegant and thoughtful and continue to have the power to ease social friction or awkwardness. We just need to reappraise them from the perspective of the 21st century:

Getting to Your Feet

Traditionally, men got to their feet when women came into the room, and younger people stood up for their elders. Standing up was considered a fundamentally polite gesture because it was a courteous acknowledgement of the new arrival – and that still holds good today. Nowadays, it is considerate to stand up regardless of age and gender, and at the very least a host should always stand to greet guests.

If you are introducing new arrivals to guests who are already seated, it would be polite (as long as it’s not physically awkward) for the seated guest to stand up to shake hands with the new arrival. If seated guests already know new arrivals, it would also be polite for them to stand up and greet them, whether to shake hands, hug or kiss. Languidly offering to shake hands from a seated position looks lazy and disrespectful – an exception would be an elderly or infirm person.

In days gone by, the standing to meet new arrivals rule also applied in restaurants, and it was common to see entire seated tables of diners rising to their feet every time a new person joined the party. This might well still happen – especially if the latecomer is the guest of honour, the boss, or a venerable family member. But in the normal run of events, some judgement needs to be exercised. Tables in restaurants are often cramped, waiters might get in the way, other guests might be inconvenienced by all the sitting and standing. The most important thing is to ensure that latecomers are greeted, welcomed and acknowledged and sometimes it is less disruptive to remain seated, or to opt for half-rising from the seat, which is a nod towards the standing tradition.

If somebody is hosting a restaurant meal and effectively running the whole show (guiding menu choices, choosing the wine, showing guests where to sit and – crucially – paying the bill), then it would be normal for them to stand to greet guests, just as they would at home.

Children's Awareness

Children and teenagers may be absorbed in playing, looking at their phones or laptops or watching televisions when adults who are not family members, for example their parents’ guests, come into the room. They should be encouraged to set aside these distractions, and get to their feet and greet the adults, even though their natural tendency may well be to ignore the adult intruders and remain lost in their own worlds. If you allow children to opt out of this simple social interaction you will be setting a bad precedent; they may well grow into the kind of adults who remain rooted to their chairs and can never be bothered to greet anyone.

May I Take Your Coat?

It is polite to take people’s coats or bags when they arrive (asking “May I take your coat?” is always a good idea as it ensures that guests will be ready to relinquish their belongings). Itis much more courteous to take the coats yourself and hang them up, or drape them over a chair, rather than gesturing vaguely in the direction of the pegs etc and leaving your guests to look after themselves. You should fetch their belongings when they leave, and you can also offer to help them into their coats but use your judgement as not everyone likes being fussed over. Hold the coat by the shoulders and position it so that the arms can slip in easily. Lift the coat on to the shoulders, then lift it slightly again.

Can I Help You?

Always offer a helping hand to older people who may find it difficult to manoeuvre themselves on to buses or trains or find it hard to negotiate revolving or heavy doors. This is true for anyone, of any age, who is encumbered with crutches or sticks, which makes it hard to negotiate public transport. It is also important to assist parents with buggies, offering to grab one end so they can navigate steps and doorways.

Offering Your Seat

In the past it was always considered courteous for a man to offer his seat to a woman. It is now a trickier matter of personal judgement. There is no need to jump up on the train or underground every time you see a woman standing (unless she is pregnant or elderly, when it is a definite requirement). But if circumstances are particularly taxing or uncomfortable, and you’re feeling chivalrous, you should offer. It goes without saying that women should also consider offering their seat to those less able to stand, regardless of gender.

The Trouble with Doors

It was traditionally considered courteous for men to hold doors open for women and allow them through first, and it is still a polite gesture for men to hold a door open for women. But if a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t awkwardly rush in front of her exclaiming “I’ll get that!”; most women have no expectation that they will be ‘helped’ through doors by their male companions. Young people should give way to adults.

It is essential that everyone who is passing through a door should check behind them and ensure that they are not letting the door slam in someone’s face.

If you are passing through a door and you see someone approaching, it is polite to wait a few seconds and hold the door open for them, but only if they are close to the door. Standing holding a half-open door with a patient grin on your face while someone covers a considerable distance to relieve you (often in a rush because they don’t want to keep you waiting) is taking it too far.

Negotiating Stairs

Younger, more able people or those coming down should pause on narrow stairways to let others up. If someone clearly needs the banister for support, allow them to stay on that side. When following someone upstairs, avoid getting too close by keeping a gap of a few stairs between you.

As with all these polite gestures, it is always courteous to acknowledge them, with a verbal thank you, a smile, a nod or some other mark of approbation. It is important to do so because it demonstrates that you have noticed the gesture and truly appreciate it and indicates that you are not a heedless person who sails through everyday transactions without ever noticing the myriad ways in which other people ease your passage.