The summer holidays are upon us and many parents will be contemplating paying visits to friends and family, with their children in tow. Now is the time when people who are childless, or whose own children have flown the nest, find themselves once again opening their doors to junior guests, which can be a daunting prospect.

Visiting with Children

Managing Expectations

It is important to explain to children beforehand what to expect: you can describe the bedroom where there’ll be sleeping, or talk about the garden, places you’re going to visit (seaside, funfair, river etc), and mention any special attractions, such as pets. It is a good idea to get your kids in a positive frame of mind about the visit before you set off, and now is the time to start giving them indications about how they should behave – you can tell them, for instance, to remember to always ask the host before they take anything from the fridge or turn on the television, and remind them about saying please and thank you.

Discussing Beforehand

It is a really good idea to talk to the host before you arrive about your children: you can explain their routine (what time they get up, eat, have a bath, go to sleep), and give some indication about how flexible this can be.

Now is the time to raise the issue of food: we all know that children can be faddy and may have a very picky attitude to unfamiliar food. As a parent, you can either accept that they won’t eat much of the food that is on offer (it might be advisable to bring snacks or breakfast cereals), or – if your host is anxious to oblige – you could indicate some non-controversial foods that your host could provide (fishfingers, pasta, chicken etc).  It’s up to the parents to gauge the host’s attitude beforehand and to assess just how willing they are to go out of their way to please their young guests. It is rude to come at your hosts with a list of demands, but of course if your advice is solicited it is important to give a clear picture.

A Sense of Responsibility

First and foremost, your children are your responsibility, and you should never assume that the host will take over your parenting duties. It is, of course, extremely tempting to treat your visit as a holiday, where you can abdicate responsibilities and hand over the childcare to other trustworthy adults, but you must never do this unless your hosts are genuinely keen to spend time with your children.

If your hosts have their own children, it is, of course, easier and you may well find childcare duties are taken off your hands. But if your hosts have their own nanny or au pair you should never assume that their employees will take over your own childcare; your children are nothing to do with them and it is presumptuous to expect them to take on extra work.

Adult Time

Even the most assiduous and accommodating of hosts might begin to feel frustrated if your children are omnipresent, especially at times when it is reasonable to expect the adults will be able to relax, drink and enjoy conversation. A baby or small child who has a set bedtime will be more popular than one who expects to stay up for dinner with the grown-ups. Guests must remember that house rules will apply so, even if they are used to eating with their own children at 6.30pm, if a host is planning an adults’ dinner, then this must be respected and the children be put to bed at an appropriate hour.

Similarly, if the hosts have arranged a babysitter or other help to facilitate an adult evening, it would be rude for guests’ children to be allowed to stay up.

Older children may well be allowed to stay up and watch TV or play on their computers – rather than joining in at dinner – but they should neither interrupt nor disturb the adults.

Of course, some children will not comply with this fixed timetable. They may be disturbed or over-excited because they are in a strange house or might in any case have an entirely different routine. If you cannot persuade your children to go meekly to bed when it’s adult dinner time, you might have to let them join you at the table, but you will need to be very vigilant about their behaviour. Your hosts will probably be fine with a quiet child, who is playing with a laptop or drawing in a colouring book; they might be less tolerant of one that is constantly interrupting the conversation or running around the dining room.

Come Prepared

Guests should bring toys and books for younger children and babies. These will provide invaluable distraction but may become a bit of an irritant if they are left scattered all over the sitting room, so it is a good idea to take responsibility for tidying them away as soon as the children are in bed.

With modern technology it is simple enough to bring some entertainment, in the form of a laptop or tablet, to occupy small children in their bedrooms either at bedtime or early in the morning. Children should not be allowed to put on the host’s TV by themselves unless they are old enough and the host has suggested it.

Early rising children can often be something of a trial when staying in someone else’s house as it is not reasonable to let them run around and make a lot of noise much before 8am. Laptops and phones may have to be deployed and, as long as you do your best to contain audible high spirits, most hosts should be tolerant of early risers.

Above all, be prepared to look at your children objectively, from your hosts’ point of view. You will, of course, be accustomed to the noise and disruption that children bring to your own household but try to understand that this will be challenging for people who are used to unchanging routines and unbroken tranquillity. If you can truly understand how they feel, you will be able to pre-empt any disturbance and ensure that your visit runs smoothly.

Hosting Children

If you’re hosting guests with children, the two watchwords are tolerance and communication. You should liaise with guests beforehand and find out as much as you can about the children’s routine, likes and dislikes and food requirements. Even if you do not approve of some of the answers you are given, now is not the time to lecture parents about healthy eating or fixed bedtimes. You should remember that first and foremost you are a host, and it is your duty to do the best you can to ensure that everyone has a good time. This may well mean adopting a tolerant attitude and accepting that your normal routines and customs may need to be modified for a short while.

Pre-empt any disasters or unfortunate accidents by taking the time to child-proof your house. At its simplest, this may mean stowing away any precious or delicate objects that could be damaged by boisterous playing and ensuring that you have hidden everything that you want to keep out of reach of prying hands.

Rather than being pernickety about your pristine white carpet or fussy about your polished dining table, try and feed children in the kitchen, where floors and surfaces are easily wiped, and no real damage will be done.

Trust that your guests will be on the lookout for any delinquent behaviour and will be doing their best to contain their children’s more exuberant antics. Remember that it is, first and foremost, the parents’ responsibility to monitor their children and to tell them off, if necessary. If you intervene directly, and start admonishing other people’s children, you may well cause offence, or make the parents feel undermined and questioned; it is much better if you witness behaviour that makes you see red to have a quiet and tactful word with the parents.

If you are flexible and accommodating, tolerant of the children and supportive of their parents, you may well find that the visit brings unexpected pleasures.