Traditionally in Britain we have been reluctant to talk about money matters. It was considered rude to enquire about other people’s salaries, or the price of their house or car. These days, explicit conversations about money are much more common – sometimes to the point of gloating and boasting about bargains, profits and so on.

But money is so much more than just a figure on a bank statement, and it can distort relationships, whether social of familial, like nothing else. As with all awkward topics, talking openly about potential problems rather than concealing difficulties or being dishonest about them, will help to iron out some of the complications.

More Wealthy

Money tends not to be an issue when your friends and families are all comparably wealthy and there are no startling discrepancies between you. But when you find yourself in the company of people who are many times wealthier than you, or vice versa, the trouble begins.

Many of us will have experienced the discomfort of being invited to join wealthier friends at an eye-wateringly expensive restaurant or hotel, and the dread of the moment when the bill arrives. It is quite possible that one of our wealthier friends will step in and pick up the tab, but we’re not certain of this eventuality so we spend the whole dinner in an agony of discomfort, watching as countless expensive bottles of wine are ordered and imagining the bill racking up.

The undoubted discomfort of this situation is entirely down to a lack of communication – from both parties. If you are lucky enough to be the wealthy instigator of the social arrangement – whether it is a meal out, a villa holiday, a weekend in a hotel – you will need to think seriously about your potential companions. Think about their financial circumstances and if you’re not sure about their income, consider other factors, such as their house, lifestyle, the kind of holidays they choose, where they send their kids to school. 

If you acknowledge that there is a noticeable wealth discrepancy, you must act. You may decide that the whole event is going to be your treat, in which case you must tell your friends beforehand in order to allay any anxieties – if you’ve got plenty of money you need to imagine how painful it is to sit through a social event, fretting about your ability to pay your share.

While you will need to be explicit about picking up the bill, you do not need to hammer the point home with loaded statements of the “I know things are a bit tight for you at the moment, and it is a rather expensive restaurant, so I’m quite happy to pay” variety. You will humiliate your friend with your laboured largesse, and resentment will inevitably fester. Instead, try to make very little of your offer, saying something like, “and by the way, tomorrow evening is my treat” and leave it at that.

If you are not prepared to pick up the entire bill, that is your prerogative, but you must forewarn your friends, so they know what they are getting into. When you invite them, say something like “We’re all thinking of going out tomorrow to xxxxxxx. We’ll just split the bill – it will make things easier. Let us know if you’re able to come.” Your friends will be left in no doubt about the financial arrangements, but you are also giving them a chance to look up the restaurant or venue, assess whether they can afford it, and make their excuses if they decide they cannot. At no point are you making any direct reference to their financial status; they can, of course, reference it if they wish to do so.

Finally, don’t let your greater wealth define you. Remember, not all pleasures come with a high price tag and accept that sometimes your less well-off friends would appreciate you crossing over to their territory. You might well find that a more modest expenditure on carefully chosen activities reaps surprising rewards, with the added benefit that your friends can meet you on their own terms.

Less Wealthy

At the other end of the spectrum, you may be the person with the wealthy friends who is constantly beset by anxiety about paying for yourself when you’re invited out. As always, it is best to be honest about your dilemma, but to have no expectation that other people will step in and pick up the tab. If someone suggests a very expensive venue, say something like “That sounds lovely, but I’m afraid I’m on a budget at the moment, so I’ll have to pass.” Your friends may volunteer to help out, but if they choose not to you can withdraw with dignity. Alternatively, they might say something like “how about we pay for the wine?” which might make the whole arrangement more palatable.

You may find that your wealthier friends are endlessly generous, always picking up bills, inviting you to join them in expensive holiday destinations, taking you out to the theatre, and so on. This is undoubtedly delightful but can end up making you feel uncomfortable and beholden. Every time they make a generous gesture, you squirm with embarrassment, protest, and say meaningless things like “Are you sure?”. This can become a repetitive, and meaningless, social dance.

Of course, you should never take generosity for granted and you should always offer copious thanks for hospitality, but you should also think about other ways in which you can pay back your friends. While you might not be able to afford a Michelin starred restaurant, or bottles of vintage champagne, you might be able to offer a stylish reciprocal gesture – a lavish picnic at a beautiful riverside location, a country walk and a visit to a charming country pub with its own micro-brewery, and so on. Remember, lavish displays of wealth are not a prerequisite for all pleasurable experiences, and your friends will certainly appreciate your desire to treat them for a change.

Ultimately, it never does any harm to have an honest conversation about this dilemma. You can explain to your wealthy friend that you are endlessly appreciative of their generosity/invitations, but you do find it rather problematic because you really cannot afford a lot of their suggestions, and it feels uncomfortable to always be in the position of the “taker”. This may not have occurred to them, and it is possible that they may take note of your comments and allow you to redress the balance, by suggesting more modest treats and venues from time to time.