As the big day approaches, we suggest ten ways to ensure that Christmas goes with a swing, and that tensions, cross words and disappointments do not mar everyone’s enjoyment:

1. Accept Contributions

It is essential that you control your spending at this expensive time of year and don’t use money as a solution to every problem. It is crazy to overspend on gifts and hospitality because you want to be an impeccable host – none of your guests would be happy to learn that you have over-stretched yourself financially to provide a picture-perfect Christmas.

When it comes to hosting, everyone knows that Christmas can be super-expensive, so bite the bullet and communicate clearly with guests and family members beforehand. If one of your guests asks “what can I bring?”, don’t default to the very British “nothing”. Instead, make a pragmatic and helpful suggestion, eg ask your guest to supply the wine for the Christmas lunch, or bring mince pies and a hunk of Stilton. These gestures will not only help you cope with the pressures of hosting, they will also gratify guests, who are anxious to make a Christmas donation.

2. Plan for All Contingencies

It goes without saying that you will stock your freezer, fridge and cupboards with plentiful supplies of food, and in the days before Christmas you will be purchasing all the fresh food and vegetables necessary for the festive feast. But what if you are suddenly confronted with an extra guest (or more)? How do you react if one of your teenage nieces or nephews casually announces that they’ve gone vegan? How do you cope when the oven packs up on Christmas Day and you’ve got half a dozen hungry guests around your table?

All of these near disasters can be averted if you are well supplied with store cupboard essentials (eg pasta, couscous, rice, anchovies, tuna, pine nuts, dried fruits) as well as ensuring that you have stocks of chicken (thighs and fillets), salmon, prawns, peas, broad beans and pastry in the freezer. With these essentials you have the capacity to whip up alternative meals (or extra dishes) with a minimum of fuss and panic.

3. Pace the Day

Everyone’s Christmas is different, and routines and rituals are extremely varied. It is always a good idea to spread out the main events (eg presents, big meal, games, TV), and to allow intervals between each mini highlight when your guests and family members can relax and re-charge.

This is particularly crucial if you are entertaining older people. Remember that grandparents and members of the older generation may begin to wilt if they’re cooped up for hours on end with over-excited children and may well need to take time out from the festivities – so ensure that they can do so without interruption or interference. This might mean suggesting that they retreat to their own rooms for a cup of tea and a lie down if it all gets too much.

4. Be Relaxed about Rituals

Everyone has their own ideas about how Christmas Day should be celebrated, but if you are hosting you will need to be flexible about your own time-honoured Christmas traditions. Don’t lay down the law (“we always have a glass of champagne while we open our presents at 11am and sit down for lunch at 1pm). It is much more courteous to suggest that this is how the day should be celebrated, and to use tentative phrases like “we usually open our presents mid-morning and have a glass of champagne. Would that suit you?”. Guests will feel that they are fully participating in the day and not being steamrollered.

Similarly, if you are a guest, it is your primary responsibility to be flexible about your hosts’ Christmas routines and timetable. You might feel that they eat far too late, and open presents far too early, but you should not comment on these perceived transgressions. Go with the flow and follow your host’s lead.

5. Welcome Help

You might have the fantasy of being the perfect Christmas host, who works away seamlessly and efficiently in the background and produces an exquisitely cooked meal without breaking a sweat.

The reality is that most of us find cooking the Christmas meal a stressful experience. We crave perfection, but frequently must be satisfied with more workaday compromises, and the coordination and scale of the catering effort can make us feel very frazzled.

It is therefore a good idea to accept offers of help and assistance; hand out specific jobs, for example peeling vegetables or doing some pre-emptive washing up, to avoid being swamped by a host of bumbling, well-meaning guests who have no idea what is required. If you’re a tentative cook, ask other people for advice – guests will feel gratified if you defer to them or consult them.

If you cannot abide having other people in the kitchen when you’re busy, be gracious about it and don’t act the martyr.

6. Don’t Expect Perfection

You may well have your own notions about the perfect Christmas Day, but if you are marshalling a large, and probably disparate, group of people, they are likely to have their own ideas. You might have a scheme to play convivial family games on Christmas afternoon but find that everyone else has designs on the sofa and the big movie. If that is the case, accept it. Christmas is a communal celebration and families need to negotiate their own compromises. Being chivvied into activities that they don’t enjoy is a sure-fire way of creating bad feelings and tension.

7. Be Grateful for Gifts

We all fantasise about a perfect array of Christmas presents, but must accept that, more often than not, some will fall short of our expectations (unless you’re an excited child). However disappointed you are, you should be able to disguise your feelings of dismay and disappointment behind a mask of appreciation. When you are given a present, take your time; admire the wrapping, speculate about the contents of the package. Open it slowly and deliberately (children will of course tear open their presents in an unstoppable frenzy, which is inevitable). Whatever the package contains, exclaim over it, conscientiously thank the giver (who may well be anxiously looking on) and, if you can possibly think of a positive comment, make it.

You may already be planning to regift it or return it, but these considerations should be kept to yourself – it is important on Christmas Day to project a general air of positivity and gratitude.

8. Stay Upbeat and Positive

Christmas is a time to celebrate, so you must do your best to keep the conversation light and convivial. If possible, steer away from controversial topics, such as politics and religion, and recognise that now is not the time for family arguments or squabbles. If you are entertaining a guest from outside the family, be careful about letting the conversation get too inward-looking or family orientated, which will make them feel like outsiders. Family jokes, anecdotes and recollections are all part of the joy of Christmas, but you must be mindful of guests, and provide explanations and expositions. It is good to try and draw out guests by using conventional small talk techniques; questions should be gently probing, rather than directly interrogative, and you should try and elicit information by indirect means. Above all, be inclusive and do not let anyone feel overlooked, marginalised or excluded.

Don’t panic if the chatter is banal and food, TV and present-orientated – Christmas is a shared experience and it’s good to reinforce feelings of companionship and bonhomie.

9. Don’t be a Scrooge

If you have agreed to be a Christmas guest, you are under a moral obligation to embrace the Christmas spirit – no cynicism, no grumpiness, no sulking.  If you are an irredeemable Scrooge, then don’t inflict yourself, or your negativity, on other people at Christmas time.

.So if you have accepted a Christmas invitation, even if it against your better judgment, plaster a warm smile on your face and keep soldiering on, whatever is thrown at you. You may not enjoy crackers, charades or singsongs and may prefer to snooze away the afternoon in front of the TV with a glass of whisky, but that is not your prerogative. You must grit your teeth and get on with it. This is one occasion where you simply can’t bow out, so remind yourself that it is only one day out of 365 and join in with good grace.

10. Remember, it’s not for Everyone

Christmas can appear to be an all-encompassing, smothering tide of saccharine celebration, which can feel like a terrible affront if you are going through hard times yourself, for example illness, bereavement, divorce. Or you might simply be one of those people who finds it difficult to comply with communal expectations to be joyful and convivial and cannot summon up any appetite for Christmas celebrations.

If you’re a fan of Christmas, or even just a person who takes it in their stride as a traditional part of the annual calendar, you must accept that not everyone will feel the same way. When you are confronted by someone who refuses to participate in the annual rite, for whatever reason, you really must accept that is their prerogative and not become a Christmas cheerleader, who frantically tries to enlist their participation in the festivities. Learn to listen to what people are actually saying, to empathise with what they might be feeling, and to accept that they are completely entitled to withdraw.